Amanda: Hey, you know, let's just take off for a few weeks.
Amanda: What do you mean, "Yeah"? I'm not kidding.
Woman: You always say that this is our busiest time.
Amanda: I need to get out of town. You know, I think I need some peace and quiet, or whatever it is people go away for. You know what I really want to do? I want to eat carbs without wanting to kill myself. You know, I want to read a book, not just a magazine. An actual book. For years I read these reviews, I buy the books, but I never read them. Did you read that article in The New York Times last Sunday? Severe stress makes women age prematurely, because stress causes the DNA in our cells to shrink until they can no longer replicate. So when we're stressed, we look haggard. This is just women, not men.
Man: I'm sorry.
Amanda: And remember when they used to say that single women over the age of 35 were more likely to be killed by a terrorist than to get married? Okay, that was horrible, but now our generation is also not getting married, and, bonus, real terrorists actually became part of our lives, so the stress of it all shows up on our faces, making us look haggard while Ethan goes on looking cute forever and shtupping his 24-year-old receptionist! Oh, my God! See what I mean? I need a vacation.
Amanda: Okay. Where do I want to go by myself at Christmas? By myself, depressed at Christmas. All alone on vacation. Alone, alone. Totally alone. (Sighs) (Sobbing) Oh, please, just give me one. One tear. Okay, moving on. "Worry-Free Vacations." Good. Where's that? “Bora Bora. Kayak for one"? No, thank you. "Vacation Rentals." I could do that. Hole up in a house somewhere. Disappear for a few weeks. I like that idea. “Where do you want to go on your next vacation? Click here and pick a country...” Where do they speak English? "Click on a town or city." Let's see. Cotswolds. “Barn converted to modern house in the beautiful Cotswolds.” Which looks exactly like the Valley. “Surrey. Christmas in the country. A fairy tale English cottage set in a tranquil country garden. Snuggle up by an old stone fireplace and enjoy a cup of cocoa. An enchanting oasis of tranquility in a quiet English hamlet, just 40 minutes from exciting London." Yeah.
Iris: What am I doing? (Gasping) Low point. Low point. (Computer beeps) "I'm interested in renting your house. I'm wondering if your house is available this Christmas, because if it is, you could be a real lifesaver. I know it's ridiculously late to be asking, but if you're at all interested, please contact me.” (Iris typing) “I'm very interested, but the cottage is really only available f*-.
-or home exchange."
Amanda: Home exchange. What is that?
Iris: “We switch houses, cars, everything. I haven't done it before but friends of mine have." Where are you? Please say somewhere far away. L.A.? I’ve never been there but always wanted to go. I'm Iris, by the way. I'm very normal. Neat freak. Healthy. Non-smoker. Single. Hate my horrible life.
Amanda: I’m Amanda. Loner, loser and complicated wreck.
Amanda: Hi. I must say, your house looks idyllic.
Iris: “Just what I need.” Really? What does your place look like?
Amanda: My place is nice, but it’s a little bigger than yours.
(Iris typing): Not hard to be.
Amanda: (Chuckles) (typing) Can I ask you one thing?
(Iris typing): Of course.
(Amanda typing): Are there any men in your town?
Iris: Honestly? (typing) Zero.
(Iris’ screen) AMANDA: When can I come?
(Iris typing): Tomorrow too soon??
(Iris’ screen) AMANDA: Tomorrow’s perfect!
Iris: Okay, we are on for two weeks, starting tomorrow.