Mike: Hey, it's Maggie's friends. Watch this. Hey, girls, how's it going?
Jaime: Do I know you?
Samantha: What'd you do, mug K-Fed?
Ned: Welcome to the bottom of the food chain. Hey, look, you always had my back in high school, okay? So if your spirit guide wants you to be a fake teenager and me to be your fake dad, the least I can do is make sure that my fake son doesn't look like a total douche.
Mike: I don't look like a douche.
Boy: What a douche.
Ned: We're going shopping.
Ned: Yes, your shirt is bedazzled.
Mike: Bedazzled with rhinestones.
Girl: Ooh. Let's go to school.
Boy: Hey, yo, check it out. That's just rude.
Boy: What's up, dude?
Security guard: What are you looking at, punk?
Boy: Watch it.
Boy: Wake up, douche.
Teacher: No phones, no texting. Settle, people. Settle down. Take the roughhousing outside, class.
Mike: Hello? Hello?
Scarlet: Where the hell are you?
Mike: Oh, cr...The thing.
Scarlet: You mean our divorce? Do you take any of this seriously?
Mike: No, no! Yes, I take this seriously. Yes, I take this...I had to leave the country very suddenly, uh...with the Mayan...Inca, I'm with the Incas in Peru. We think we might have found the next...Rogaine.
Scarlet: Are you with a girl?
Mike: No, no. It's, uh, a bunch of cheerleaders.
Girl: So would you consider maybe dating a 10th-grader?
Lawyer: I think we could go for full custody.
Mike: No, you can't take my kids away from me.
Scarlet: Since when do you care?
Mike: Look...I'm a lot closer to them than you think. Let's reschedule, okay?
Samantha: Hey, Maggie.
Maggie: Um, why is the new kid waving at me?
Samantha: I don't know. But if that boy were an apple...he'd be a Delicious.
Mike: Oh, God. (At the basketball court) Gosh, we are all in such great shape. Oh, jeez. Man, you know, I will tell you something. In 10 years you're going to have this thing right here that no amount of crunches will get rid of. And spot reduction, total lie. You know, I...Never mind. Give me the ball. Fakes right, goes left. And signature move.
Murphy: Kid. I'm Coach Murphy.
Mike: Oh, wow. You're still here?
Mike: You're a legend.
Murphy: Yeah. Well, yeah. Twenty years. It's actually my last one. Good hops, kid. Nice handle. We're looking for a point guard.
Mike: Oh, yeah?
Murphy: Why don't you come to tryouts?
Murphy: I'm done talking to you.
Mike: Yeah, yeah.