Bertie's wife: Hello. Is anyone there?
Lionel: I'm just in the loo. Hello Mrs Johnson, there you are. Sorry I don't have receptionist.I like to keep things simple. "Poor and content is rich and rich enough".
Bertie's wife: Sorry?
Lionel: Shakespeare. How are you?
Bertie's wife: How do you do?
Lionel: Ahh, traveling alone. Now, this is slightly awkward. But I'm afraid you're late.
Bertie's wife: Yes, I'm afraid I am.
Lionel: Where's Mr Johnson?
Bertie's wife: He doesn't know I'm here.
Lionel: That's not a very promising start.
Bertie's wife: No. My husband has seen everyone to no avail. He's given up hope.
Lionel: He hasn't seen me.
Bertie's wife: You're awfully sure of yourself.
Lionel: I'm sure of anyone who wants to be cured.
Bertie's wife: Of course he wants to be cured. My husband is required to speak publicly.
Lionel: Perhaps he should change jobs.
Bertie's wife: He can't.
Lionel: Indentured servitude?
Bertie's wife: Something of that nature. Yes
Lionel: Well we need to have your hubby pop by... Tuesday would be good... He can give me his personal details and I'll make a frank appraisal. And then we can take it from there
Bertie's wife: Doctor, forgive me. I do not have a “hubby”. We don't ‘pop'. And nor do we never talk about our private lives. You must come to us.
Lionel: Sorry, Mrs J, my game, my turf, my rules. You'll have to talk over with your husband. And then you can speak to me on the telephone. Thank you very much for dropping by. Good afternoon.
Bertie's wife: And what if my husband were the Duke of York?
Lionel: The Duke of York?
Bertie's wife: Yes the Duke of York.
Lionel: I thought the appointment was for “Johnson”? Forgive me, your Royal...?
Bertie's wife: Highness.
Lionel: Your Royal Highness.
Bertie's wife: Johnson was used during the Great War when the Navy didn't want the enemy to know ‘he' was aboard.
Lionel: Am I considered the enemy?
Bertie's wife: You will be if you remain un-obliging. You'll appreciate the need for absolutely discretion.
Lionel: Of course. How did you find me? Your Royal Highness.
Bertie's wife: The President of the Society for Speech Therapists.
Lionel: Eileen McCleod? She's a sport.
Bertie's wife: She warned me your antipodean methods were "unorthodox and controversial". I warned her...they were not my favorite words.
Lionel: I can cure your husband. But for my method to work, I need trust and total equality here in the safety of my consultation room. No exceptions.
Bertie's wife: Well then, in that case... When can you start?