Father: Why don't you tell Daddy what a downtown Chicago hospital is really like?
Helen: Patient brought in with chills, nausea, ischemia, clearly in shock.
Father: Did you do a CBC?
Helen: Excuse me, our protocols didn't exist when you went to medical school.
Father: Oh! Yes, I've been under a rock these past 30 years.
Helen: How many transdermal intubations have you personally done?
Father: My dear, I teach medicine. I no longer sully my hands touching actual patients.
Josh: Touch patients? Why would anybody want to do that?
Helen: You are not allowed in this conversation.
Josh: Excuse me. I've helped more patients than you ever will.
Helen: Can I pour this drink on your head?
Josh: What is wrong with getting rich? God only knows you can't do that in medicine anymore.
Father: He's right about that!
Helen: Don't help him justify his laziness.
Josh: I already justified my laziness. It's called $35 million on my first IPO.
Helen: Jamie, help me.
Jamie: He's a geek who got lucky.
Helen: And he'll always be a geek.
Josh: Yeah? Well, this geek is taking back your shares.
Jamie: I don't blame you.
Father: The profession was ruined when they let women in.
Helen: I'm killing both of you.
Mother: I'm killing all of you if you don't get in there and sit down.
Nancy: And we get to keep all the shares.
Father: All right.
Father: To the sale of Josh's company! Whatever the hell it does.
Mother: Long live medical software.
Josh: And med school dropouts everywhere.
Helen: You'd better give some of this money away, that's all I have to say.
Josh: Not gonna happen.
Nancy: Jamie, what are you up to these days?
Mother: Jamie's selling high-end stereo equipment.
Josh: Not anymore.
Mother: What do you mean?
Josh: Well, let's just say Jamie had a falling out with management.
Nancy: I thought you were in real estate.
Jamie: I am looking for other opportunities.
Josh: We're living through the greatest creation of wealth in modern history, and my brother decides to quit.
Jamie: Josh has been talking to me about pharmaceutical sales.
Father: Pharmaceutical sales?
Josh: Pharmaceutical sales. You know, medicine that's supposed to help people get better. Remember Timmy, my roommate from Brown? He's a VP at Pfizer. So I said to Jamie, "Jamie, if you suck on my cock, I'll get you an interview."
Mother: Oh, Josh, watch your mouth!
Josh: Watch your mouth!
Jamie: I said no, Mom. I said no.
Father: Why would you wanna be a pharmaceutical rep?
Josh: "Why would you wanna be a pharmaceutical rep?" Because it's the only entry-level job in America that pays over 100 grand a year. That's why.
Helen: No. Those people come into our office with their roller bags and samples, like door-to-door-salesmen.
Jamie: They are door-to-door-salesmen, only what they're selling grosses $87 billion a year!
Helen: Yeah, and they're turning complex medical decisions into Madison Avenue impulse buying.
Jamie: Oh, my God. Look, I'm not selling to the patients, okay?
Helen: No. No, the patients just see the commercials on TV...and demand their name-brand drugs from the doctors...
Jamie: I'm not even doing the job yet! Calm down, you're freaking out. ...and there you are to supply them. This is so crazy that you're yelling at me for nothing! I'm not doing it!
Mother: If you barbarians won't be still and finish this lamb, none of you will get the chocolate cake.
All: Yes, Mom!
Josh: Oh, Jamie, if you could make money fucking, you'd be even richer than me. I'll call the Pfizer guy in the morning.