Coach: Well, I don't know where you put it, Heffley, but you gained 10 pounds and joined the Bulldog class.
Rowley: I thought you didn't gain any weight this week.
Greg: My mom's ankle weights.
Coach: All right, bulldog Heffley. Meet your new opponent.
Greg: What? But this is boys' wrestling.
Patty: Ever hear of Title IX?
Coach: Her parents threatened to sue, so you show her what it's like to wrestle a real live boy.
Patty: Come on! What you waiting for, huh? Don't be such a wuss, Heffley. Make your move!
Greg: She's a girl! Where do I grab her?
Patty: Stay down!
Angie: Patty, over here!
Greg: Get off of me!
Patty: Can I wrestle somebody good now?
School paper: A GREAT DAY FOR WOMEN
Angie: Well, look who's in the paper.
Rowley: Greg! You're famous! Right on the front page!
Greg: And if I would have pinned her, which I could have done easily, you know I would have gotten in trouble for hurting a girl.
Rowley: Why does she even want to wrestle?
Greg: Who knows? Girls are very confusing. Like today, I heard someone in the hallway say that Bryce Anderson has a cute butt. What does that even mean?
Rowley: A butt can't be cute. It's a butt.
Greg: I know, but that's what they were saying. I don't see why girls our age can't talk just like regular people.
Rowley: So how are you gonna become a class favorite now?
Greg: Two words. Best Dressed.
Rowley: How are you going to do that?
Greg: Fashion is easy. You wear a shirt and a tie, and kids are impressed. I'm telling you, this is gonna work.
Greg: I told you I was wearing this.
Rowley: I know! I wanted to be matchers!
Classmates: Check them out! Greg and Rowley sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love...
Greg: You know, maybe Rodrick was right about Rowley. Maybe I do need a new best friend. But I can't just ditch him. I mean, if anybody has a better idea, I'd love to hear it.
TV: IT'S AWESOME TO BE ME
Brock: In this school, much like your own, one boy is about to learn an important lesson about self-worth and esteem.
Girl in the TV: Gag me with a spoon. That guy is so unpopular, I'd hate to be him.
Fat guy in the TV: Why doesn't anybody like me?
Brock: Maybe because they don't know how awesome you really are.
Fat guy in the TV: Brock Branigan P.I.! What are you doing here?
Brock: I'm here to solve the case of the boy who just needed to be himself. So go for it! Show them how awesome you really are!
Fat guy in the TV: Hey, guys. Do you like break dancing?
Girl in the TV: That is totally rad!
The girl’s boyfriend: Wicked. You should sit with us at lunch, friend.
Fat guy in the TV: Sweet! It really is awesome to be me! Thanks, Brock.
Teacher: Okay. Let's talk about what we've learned.
Greg: I don't know about anyone else, but I know what I learned. It is awesome to be me. The problem with Rowley is that he's not enough like me. I can't ditch him 'cause he'd be lost without me. But maybe I can fix him. Because that's the kind of friend I am.
Rowley: What are you doing?
Greg: Making your clothes more middle-school friendly. Look at this stuff. Too babyish and weird. Too "Why don't you just punch me now?" What are you, a foreign exchange student? Oh, man. This one we burn.
Rowley: That was a present from my mom.
Greg: Well, then your mom is trying to get you killed. Ready? Steady. Go. No, no, no. You look like one of the Seven Dwarfs. You only need one strap. One strap is cool.
Rowley: But there's two straps. Why would they put on two straps if you're only supposed to use one?
Greg: Because the guys who make backpacks aren't cool. If they were cool, they'd give it one strap, like the cool one-strap guys do. You know what has one strap? Machine guns. You know what else? Electric guitars. You know what else?
Rowley: Purses? But Joshie is cool.
Greg: Rowley, Joshie is not cool. He's a lip-synching pop star whose fans are eight-year-old girls.
Rowley: You're just jealous that I was the one who discovered him.
Greg: Who are you gonna listen to, Rowley? Me or Joshie?
Rowley: Joshie says to respect your parents and follow your dreams.
Greg: Then Joshie must get beaten up a lot. You actually almost look as good as me. Am I great at this or what? There's Bryce Anderson. Just be cool. Hey, Bryce.
Rowley: Yeah, hey, Bryce! Cute butt!
Greg: You're killing me, you know that? Look, Rowley, tonight's Halloween, our favorite night of the year, so, just promise me you won't wear, do or say anything weird. (Open the door) You're kidding me, right?
Rowley: My mom wanted me to be visible at night.
Greg: From space?