Carol: Don't be mad at me for this, okay?
Sarah: The last time you said that to me you stole my boyfriend. Danny Shea.
Carol: I did not steal Danny Shea.
Sarah: I haven't forgiven you, by the way.
Carol: Stop. He was a terrible kisser.
Sarah: He kissed just fine with me.
Carol: Okay. Here goes. I went online, pretended I was you, and put your profile on PerfectMatch.com.
Sarah: You're making this up.
Carol: You can't just sit back and passively answer other people's ads anymore. We are on offense.
Sarah: Well, forgive me if I'm a tad gun-shy after my last date with my father.
Carol: Come on, at least look at your profile.
Sarah: That's my high school graduation picture.
Carol: That's all I had. That or your wedding photo.
Sarah: "Voluptuous"? Carol!
Carol: Every woman listed claims to be at least voluptuous. Some are "gorgeous inside and out," most are "sexually confident."
Sarah: "Voluptuous, sensuous DwF seeks special man to share starlit nights. Must love dogs."
Carol: I put that in for you.
Sarah: And yet I'm still pissed.
Carol: I must have done something right. You have 18 responses.
Sarah: You listened to them, didn't you?
Carol: I like three, 11 and 14. Christine likes two and eight. Michael liked them all. But you decide for yourself.
A: What do you mean by voluptuous? Do you mean big breasts or do you mean fat?
B: I love dogs too. I have a great sense of humor, but you could probably already tell that.
Walter: My name is Walter Taylor. I'm an attorney. Don't hang up. I like opera. Don't delete me.
Sarah: So anyway, I get all dressed up, and I walk down the stairs and I see...my father sitting there holding a single yellow rose. And it dawns on me... Is something wrong?
Walter: Well, no offense, it's just... I thought you'd be younger, that's all.
Sarah: Well, you said your age range was 25 to 45.
Walter: I guess I was hoping more for 25. Twenty-three. Eighteen. That's legal.
Lennie: It's nice to be out. I've been feeling kind of blue lately.
Sarah: I know, you mentioned on the phone, Lennie, that you've... Kind of depressed.
Lennie: Did I cry?
Sarah: Well, a little bit.
Lennie: I've been on 17 first dates this year. No second dates. One went to check her coat and never came back. One jumped out at the light when it changed.
Sarah: Well, we're almost through the salad. That's a good sign. No. Lennie. Please. Don't. Please. Lennie. No. (Singing) If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Come on! (Singing) If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.
Lennie: (Crying) Oh, God!
People: Come on, get up. Get her. Get her.
Sarah: Don't be upset. I come from a large family. Lots of male cousins, brothers. Used to this sort of thing.
Marshall: Three out of five.
Sarah: Oh, that's all right. Maybe later.
Marshall: Come on.
Waitress: Your table's almost ready.
Sarah: Oh good. We're working up an appetite.
Marshall: Food here is fabulous. It's not cheap, though.
Sarah: Well, I offered to pay my half.
Marshall: And what did I tell you?
Sarah: "Marshall's girls don't pay."
Marshall: Beautiful. You'd look really good in handcuffs.
Jake: Charlie, my boy, some nice-looking pieces here.
Charlie: Really? I didn't see anyone.
Jake: Charlie, I meant the artwork. Bet this cost a bundle.
Sherry: Hey, guys. Hi!
Charlie: Speaking of artwork. Hi, Sherry.
Sherry: Hi, Charlie. Hi, Jake. How are you? Let's do two. That's how they do it in France.
Jake: You having fun?
Sherry: Well, I feel sorry for the artist at these things. All this talent on display, and everybody here's just trying to get laid.
Charlie: I know I am.
Sherry: You never called me, mister. I waited and waited.
Charlie: I know I am.
Jake: I'm sorry, Sherry, it's just that I'm not ready right now to be in a serious relationship. And with somebody as wonderful and as beautiful as you, I just wouldn't expect anything less.
Sherry: Why can't you be sweet like that, huh?
Sherry: Hey, guys.
Jake:Short attention span.
Charlie: You're a sick guy, you know that?
Jake: Just another in a long line of colossal mistakes. I'm not answering an Internet ad. Look at this. "Voluptuous and sensuous. Must love dogs." wonderful.
Charlie: Look at the picture.
Jake: Well, she is appealing. She’s gonna be really good-looking when she grows up.
Charlie: Yeah, I'm surfing porn sites last night like always, I keep getting kicked over to PerfectMatch.com, which is not where I want to be, and this girl's profile keeps repeating, like a sign from heaven. And I thought of you.
Jake: Tell the prom queen thanks, but no. I'm still benched.
Charlie: Too late. You're meeting her tomorrow at 11. Bring a dog.
Jake: No, I'm not.