Cam: The female lays a single egg and rolls it onto the feet of the male. The male stands and incubates the egg until it hatches, about 65 days. Having built up a thick layer of fat to sustain him through the long winter, he never leaves the egg to hunt for food. The female returns just before the chick hatches. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. What are you doing here?
Chuck: Are you telling me that the male penguin really lives off his own fat for 65 days while he's protecting the egg? You think that the female could bring him, like, a mackerel burger?
Cam: Seriously, why are you here?
Chuck: Look, I don't buy the whole "I'm not emotionally available" thing. Are you dying? Is that why you don't want to get involved with me? Because you don't wanna hurt me when you die?
Cam: No, I'm not dying.
Chuck: Well, I'm not dying either, so what is it, then? Am I not your type? I can take it if it's that.
Cam: I think you should go.
Chuck: No, I think I should stay, because I paid $38.00 to see you today. And I'm not leaving until you pay me my money back.
Joe: Is this the dude?
Cam: No. Joe!
Joe: Have you been talking about me?
Cam: Why aren't you wearing your shirt?
Chuck: Has she been talking about me?
Joe: You're the dentist.
Chuck: I am the dude!
Cam: No, I mentioned you in passing. I said you were funny.
Joe: And you said he was...
Cam: And I said you were charming and...good-looking, and...you have a nice smile.
Chuck: Oh, I would not go out with me, either.
Girl: Excuse me, miss? How come the mommy penguin doesn't bring back food for the daddy penguin?
Cam: 'Cause the daddy penguin doesn't need any food, sweetie.
Girl: I have another question. Why won't you go out with Charlie?
Joe: She'd love to.
Cam: Joe! You're my brother! Why are you taking his side?
Joe: Because I know how long it's been...
Cam: Another word, I hide your stash. Go put a shirt on.
Chuck: Look, how about this. Why don't you eat, and I'll just digest my own lard.
Cam: Look...I just...I know three women you've gone out with. I'm just not into dating as a sport.
Chuck: Wait, you said if anybody had any questions...
Cam: No! I'm not going out with you!
Chuck: That's not my question. That was the little girl's question. I have a new question. What is that penguin right there?
Cam: That's a Gentoo, one of several species of penguin that is completely monogamous. I hope that answers your question. Oh, and penguins are unique in that mate selection is up to the female.
Chuck: Much like our relationship.
Cam: Why do you wanna take me to dinner so badly?
Chuck: You look hungry.
Chuck: Because you remind me of these penguins. Yes, they're kind of awkward and goofy. Yet in the water, they're so beautiful.
Chuck: Okay, what?
Cam: Okay, dinner.
Chuck: Will you put that in writing?
Cam: Don't push it. But only as friends...because if you must know, there is someone else. His name is Howard Blaine. He is a foremost expert on penguins, and I'm meeting him later this year at a conference. I'm interested in him.
Chuck: Well, I'm interested in choreographing a wacky line dance that sweeps the nation, but we both know that's never gonna happen. One date as friends.
Cam: Fine. Bye.