搞笑版办公室男士着装指南

Hot on the heels of the House of Commons’ report on female employee dress codes, I have been shown a copy of Womenco’s recently updated Male Attire Standards document. I hear that Theresa May is thinking of using it as the basis for a Male Attire In Parliament ruling.

英国下议院(House of Commons)关于女性着装规范的报告刚一出台，就有人给我看了一个Womenco's(一个职业女性网络平台)最新版的男性着装标准。我听说特里萨•梅(Theresa May)正考虑将其用作议会男士着装规定的基础。

Here are the salient passages:

下面是其中一些重要的段落：

“Nose and eyebrow hair to be kept trimmed at all times using Womenco-approved clippers.

“鼻毛和眉毛随时都要保持整齐，并使用被Womenco认可的修剪工具。

Sweat marks of any kind will incur a £30 on-the-spot fine.

一旦发现任何汗渍，当场罚款30英镑。

Beards must be professionally trimmed once a week. Any beard wearer suffering from post-meal detritus syndrome will be required to report to the company car wash.

每周都要做一次专业的胡须护理。任何饭后胡子上还粘着饭粒儿的蓄须人士请到公司洗车场签到。

Those intending to grow stubble must invest in the Womenco-approved, adjustable GorgeousMe-istubble-clippers. Clarissa Bastard’s company standards team may conduct on-the-spot stubble inspection at any time.

谁要想留胡子就必须购买被Womenco认可的、可调节的帅如我-爱胡茬(GorgeousMe-istubble)剃须刀。克拉丽莎•巴斯塔德(Clarissa Bastard)的公司标准执行团队可能随时进行现场胡须检查。

Hair has to be brushed every day. Yes, really. And washed.

每天都要梳头。是的，没错。还得洗。

Bald patch shine must be reduced.

“地中海”不要太晃眼。

Trousers and undergarments: however expensive and fashionable the underpants, they may never appear above the trouser waistline. And the trouser waistline may never appear below the buttocks or above the navel. Trouser pockets should be kept empty apart from a slim smartphone assuming the wearer is wearing Womenco-approved radiation-shield underpants (Bastard’s team may conduct on-the-spot trouser inspections at any time).

裤子和内衣：不管您的内裤多贵多时髦，也绝对不要让它们在您的裤腰上探头探脑。还有您的裤腰也绝对别低过屁股，但也别高过肚脐。裤兜里最好啥也别装，如果您穿着被认可的防辐射内裤，倒是可以装一只超薄智能手机(巴斯塔德团队可能随时执行现场裤装检查)。

Inexplicable hand-in-trouser-pocket-activity is subject to on-the-spot fines.

手插裤兜这种令人费解的举动会被罚款。

Shirts: tasteful, long-sleeved shirts, washed and ironed, are de rigueur. Hawaiian shirts, raucous colours are not.

衬衣：素雅、长袖款衬衫，洗好熨平，是得体的。夏威夷衫、花里胡哨的色彩就不合适。

Suits must be sombre, well cut and free from both food and dandruff. The cleaners are no longer to be taken away from normal cleaning duties in order to vacuum suits. And, yes, they are paid enough, so don’t use the old excuse about them needing the readies.

西装必须是暗色调的，剪裁合身而且不能沾有食物和头屑。别再让保洁人员擅离职守去帮您清理西服。是的，人家的工钱够多，所以就别用人家需要小费这种老掉牙的借口了。

Ties: Old school or university ties — never. Unless an OE tie, obvs.

领带：中学或大学时戴过的旧领带——绝对不行。当然，除非是伊顿公学的旧领带。

Footwear: Winkle-pickers may look tremendous on 1950s rockers but they constitute a trip hazard contrary to the EU’s 1996 Health and Safety winkle-picker ruling. And they are a pain in crowded areas such as lifts. Leather shoes with rounded tips are acceptable.

鞋：1950年代搞摇滚的人穿尖头鞋兴许很酷，但穿尖头鞋走路有危险，而且违反欧盟1996年《健康与安全》(Health and Safety)有关尖头鞋的规定。而且在一些拥挤的地方，比如电梯里，尖头鞋就很招人烦。圆头的皮鞋就没问题 。

Trainers: No.

运动鞋：不行。

Colourful trainers: Very no.

花里胡哨的运动鞋：绝对不行。

Heels: The vertically challenged must wear Cuban heels.

鞋跟：想增高就穿古巴跟皮鞋。

Any charges incurred by Womenco in maintaining the above standards will be deducted from the offending employee’s salary.”

Womenco维护上述标准而执行的一切罚款将从违规者的薪资中扣除。”

Shortly after this document arrived, I was sent the following recording of a recent conversation in Womenco’s female shower room:

收到这份文件后不久，我又得到了以下这份记录，这是最近发生在Womenco女浴室的一段对话。

“Have you seen the updated attire code for men? I thought they were trying to pump up the totty factor. What’s going on?”

“你看过最新的男士着装规范了吗?我觉得公司在恶搞。这是要干吗?”

“Yeah, but Bastard’s going to have fun.”

“是啊，但巴斯塔德该有乐子了。”

“No way. Imagine trouser inspection with stinky Frobisher in accounts.”

“怎么可能。想象一下，去给财务部臭哄哄的弗罗比舍(Frobisher)检查裤子。”

“No, I’m thinking more Dan the messenger.”

“不，我想的更多的是通讯员丹(Dan)。”

“Drool.”

“那可真诱人。”

“Anyway, I thought the attire committee was going to insist on tight leather breeches with chest-revealing linen shirts.”

“不管怎样，我原以为着装委员会会让他们穿紧身皮裤和透胸亚麻衬衫。”

“Phwoah. Like Colin Firth’s Darcy? Mind you, can you imagine Swithinbotham in marketing being all slashed to the navel?”

“哇。就像科林•费尔斯(Colin Firth)演的达西(Darcy)?对了，你能想象市场部的斯维因波汉姆(Swithinbotham)上衣开叉到肚脐的样子吗?”

“Aggghh.”

“呃……”

“How come May is taking up our code? I bet she’s only going for Brexit to get round the EU Winkle-picker ruling.”

“梅姨怎么会看上咱们的服装规范呢?我敢说她就是为了避开欧盟对尖头鞋的规定才搞英国退欧的。”

“Her pointy shoes aren’t really winkle-pickers and even if they were, I mean, come on. This is about men. Not us. We just need the office eye candy fluffed up.”

“她的尖头鞋不是真正的尖头鞋，我是说，即使是也没关系好嘛。这套着装规范针对的是男人们。又不是咱们。咱们只要那些办公室花瓶能捯饬一下自己。”