听力课堂TED音频栏目主要包括TED演讲的音频MP3及中英双语文稿，供各位英语爱好者学习使用。本文主要内容为演讲MP3+双语文稿:如何以盟友而非对手的身份共同养育子女，希望你会喜欢！

【演讲者及介绍】Ebony Roberts and Shaka Senghor

Senghor和Roberts分享了他们共同养育孩子的方法——平等、积极的伙伴关系，以思想和意图引导他们的孩子在这个世界上前进，并陶醉在其中。

【演讲主题】如何以盟友而非对手的身份共同养育子女

How to co-parent as allies, not adversaries

【中英文字幕】

翻译者 Han Xiao 校对者 Lipeng Chen

Ebony Roberts: I remember watching my father raise the pistol to my mother's head. She pleaded with him to put the gun down, but he ignored her. When she bolted toward the door, he followed close behind and once outside, he fired one single shot. I was 12. I remember this moment frame by frame. I remember feeling numb. I remember feeling alone.

我记得看着我的父亲举起枪，对着我母亲的脑袋。她请求他把枪放下，但是他没有听她的。当她向闪电一样冲去门边，他紧紧相随，当她一脚踏出家门，他开了一枪。我那时12岁。我清楚的记得这个时刻的每一帧每一秒。我记得麻木的感觉。我记得孤独的感觉。

Thank God, the bullet missed her, but my family would never be the same. I would never be the same. I didn't know then all the ways that my parents' on-again, off-again relationship would impact me, but I knew I didn't want a love like theirs. My story would be different.

感谢上帝，子弹没有射中她，但是我的家永远的变样了。我也永远被改变了。那时的我没有意识到父母断断续续的感情会影响到我，但是我知道我不想要像他们那样的爱情。我的爱情会不一样。

Years later, when I met you, I fell madly in love. Our connection was undeniable. It was as if you had been hand-picked just for me. I thought we'd be together forever. But we struggled with some of the same issues my parents had, and after nearly nine years together, we called it quits.

多年后，当我遇见你，我疯狂地陷入恋爱中。我们之间的火花是不可否认的。就像是你是专门为我打造的。我以为我们会永远在一起。但是我们在与我父母相同的问题中挣扎，过了9年在一起的生活，我们分开了。

We had Sekou then. He was only three. Though he was too young to really understand what was going on, he was old enough to know that mommy and daddy were not going to be living in the same house anymore.

我们生下了塞古。他才3岁。虽然他太小不明白发生了什么，但在他的年纪足够知道妈妈和爸爸不会在同一个屋檐下生活了。

Our breakup hit me really hard. But I decided I wouldn't let my broken heart get in the way of what was best for Sekou. We struggled initially, trying to navigate this new space as co-parents. I asked myself, how do we raise this beautiful boy full of wonder and promise and so much power, in spite of our failures as a couple? The answer for me was simple. I could either choose fear, fear of being alone, fear of the unknown, or choose love. And I chose love. That means seeing the good in you as a father. It means seeing the good in you as a father and not your missteps as a partner. It means putting Sekou first every time, even if it means I don't get my way.

我们的分手真的让我伤透了心。但我决定我不会让我的伤心影响到塞古。最开始我们挣扎过，尝试着如何作为共同监护开始新的生活。我问我自己，我们如何抚养这个既对世界饱含好奇和希望又充满活力的漂亮男孩，尽管我们的婚姻失败了。答案对我来说很简单。我可以选择恐惧，对孤独的恐惧，对未知的恐惧，或者选择爱。然后我选择了爱。那代表我会关注你作为一个父亲的优点。这代表我看到的是你作为父亲的善良而不是作为伴侣所犯下的错误。这代表塞古永远排在第一位，纵然我牺牲自己的利益也在所不辞。

I know my parents went back and forth trying to work things out for my brother and I's sake. Though I appreciate their effort, I wish they hadn't. I saw too much, I heard too much. I knew I didn't want that to be Sekou's story. I wanted Sekou to know what it was like to see two parents who got along, two parents who worked together as a team. I wanted him to know what love looks like in its truest form. Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not anger easily, it keeps no wrongs. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

我知道我的父母分分合合，为了我哥和我而努力。虽然我感谢他们的努力，但我希望他们没有那么做。我看了太多，听了太多。我知道我不想让同样的事情发生在塞古身上。我想让塞古体验到有一对和谐的父母是什么感觉，两位家长像一个队伍一样共同努力。我想让他知道爱在最真实的状态下是什么样的。爱是耐心，爱是善良。爱不会轻易发怒，爱没有任何错误，爱会永远保护，永远信任，永远有希望，永远支持与鼓舞。

Shaka Senghor: It was 1983. I was 11 years old. I remember being in a basement with my father, in our home on the east side of Detroit. I watched him stuff albums into the blue and orange milk crates, as tears streamed from his eyes. Just before that, him and my mother had just sat me and my siblings down and told us that they were calling it quits. Thirty years later, I found myself with tears in my eyes, as I packed my belongings in our home.

沙卡·桑格尔（ShakaSenghor）：那是在1983年的时候。我11岁。我记得和我爸一起呆在地下室，在我们底特律东部的家里。我看着他把专辑收起来放在蓝橙相间的牛奶纸箱里，眼泪从他的眼里留下。就在那之前，他和我妈让我和我的兄弟姐妹们坐下来然后告诉我们他们要分手了。30年之后，我发现我自己饱含眼泪，在我的家里收拾行李。

Ebony and I met while I was serving a 19-year prison sentence. For four years, we used letters, phone calls and visits to build what we had imagined to be an unshakeable bond. We fought the system together, and we thought that we would be able to right the wrongs of our parents. She was a poet, I was a writer. She was gorgeous, with a PhD. I was handsome, with a GED.

我和艾博妮相遇时我正在服一段19年的刑劳。在4年时间里，我们通过信件、电话和拜访创建了想象中我们之间坚不可摧的联系。我们共同对抗体制，然后我们以为我们可以弥补我们父母所犯下的错。她是一位诗人，我是一位作家，她非常优秀，有博士学位。我很帅气，有高中文凭。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We built something magical. We built something that we thought would endure. But unfortunately, our relationship became unhinged when I was released from prison. Post-traumatic stress syndrome, trauma from prior to going to prison, baggage from her relationship, my inexperience in a relationship undid the magic of what we built behind the walls. Centered in all of that was our beautiful boy.

我们一起创造了奇迹。我们一起创造了我们以为能永远留存的事物。但不幸的是，我们的关系从我被监狱放出来之后就开始脱轨了。创伤后压力症候群，进监狱前就有的创伤，她情感的负担，我在感情关系中缺乏经验把我在监狱时我们创造的魔力消磨殆尽。在所有事物中心是我们漂亮的男孩。

I remember when we first brought Sekou home. It was so exciting, it was amazing, we worked together, we collaborated, we supported each other. You took the night shift, I took the morning shift. And it was going amazing. And then it all changed. It changed the morning that you came in really excited, you was like, "Hey, I'm going back to work! Aren't you excited?" And I was like, "Yes. I am ecstatic right now.

我记得当我们第一次带塞古回家。很是激动，非常美妙，我们一起工作，共同协作，我们互相依靠。你上晚班，我上早班。曾是多么的美好。然后就变了。是在某一天早上你回到家非常激动，然后你说，“嘿，我又可以回去工作了！你难道不激动吗？”然后我说：”是的。我现在很兴奋，

(Laughter)

（笑声）

I cannot be more delighted." But inside, I was really afraid. But I couldn't tell you that. So instead, I said, "Hey, go off and have a wonderful day."

我真的非常高兴。‘’但是内心，我很害怕。但是我不能告诉你我的想法。所以，我说：”嘿，去吧，祝你有个美好的一天。”

And you left, and I was left with Sekou. What I understand now about that moment is that we were fostering a trust that's necessary for parents to coexist. And that you were trusting me with our most precious gift. And that you were building the foundation and the blocks for what's important for this portal we call parenthood.

然后你就离开了，而我留下来陪着塞古。我现在对那个时刻的看法是我们在培养一种信任父母同时存在是很重要的。而且你把我们最珍贵的礼物（孩子）托付给了我。你在为被我们称做为人父母这个事业建造一砖一瓦。

ER: Knowing how our parents' breakups impacted us, you know, we were really sensitive about how our breakup would impact Sekou. We struggled, but we found our way. And let Sekou tell it, we're the best parents in the world. I love that he sees us that way. We made a choice in the beginning to co-parent as allies and not adversaries. To break the toxic pattern that we see play out over and over again when parents lose focus on what's most important, the children. They allow their relationship pain to get in the way. But at the end of the day, we're on the same team, and that's Sekou's team.

父母的离异影响着我们，你知道，我们真的对我们的分手会不会影响到塞古感到非常在意。我们纠结过，但我们找到了适合我们的路。而且还让塞古觉得，我们是世界上最棒的父母。我大爱他这么看待我俩。最开始我们做了一个决定做像同盟一样的共同抚养他而不是成为死对头。打破我们反复见证过的有害的模式，即父母们不再把注意力集中在最重要的事上，也就是孩子们身上。他们就让感情的痛苦挡在孩子路中间。但最终，我们站在同一战线，大家都在塞古的队伍里。

You know, I have to admit, we have an unconventional relationship a lot of people don't understand. We're not perfect as parents or people. But we honor each other's role in Sekou's life. We allow him to do things that our parents would never allow us to do. We don't allow our fears to put limits on him. We nurture his natural curiosity about the universe and his relationship to the world.

你知道，我必须承认，我们经营着不合常规的感情，很多人都不明白。我们没有正常父母或他人那么完美。但我们尊重各自在塞古人生中的角色。我们准许他做很多事我们的父母可能永远不会允许我们做的。我们不允许我们自己的恐惧限制塞古。我们鼓励他对这个世界的好奇心。还有他对世界的感情。

Remember that time when we were coming in from a long day at work, and Sekou found a puddle outside, a puddle of mud, mind you. Had a brand new fresh outfit on, Levi's from head to toe. And he found this puddle of mud, and he reached for it. And he wanted to touch the muddy earth, and we allowed him to do that. We resisted the urge to say no, and in fact, went and got him a shovel, and allowed him to feel the earth's properties and explore as much as he wanted to, and he played, and was as happy as a pig in mud.

记得那次我们经过一天漫长的工作后回到家，塞古在外面找到一个小水坑，其实是小泥坑，提醒你哦。他当时穿着全新的衣服，从头到脚的李维斯。然后他找到了这个小泥坑，想去玩玩。他想要去触摸那些泥土，然后我们准许他这么做了。我们忍住了说不行的冲动，事实上，我们去给他找来了一把铲子，然后允许他和泥土玩耍，尽可能探索他想要探索的，所以他这么做了，他就像泥地里的小猪那么开心。

(Laughter)

（笑声）

We realized that the outfit could be washed, that a bath would clean up all the dirt, but the thrill of being in the moment, of being able to touch and be amazed at this thing that he had never discovered before was more valuable than the clothes or the dirt that could be washed away.We continue to rethink what is right and wrong when it comes to parenting. Sekou challenges us every day. You know, we allow him to climb on couches and draw on his clothes and his shoes, let him run around the store -- well, I do, anyway. And I get the death stares from other mamas who look at me and who think that children should be quiet and well-behaved in public.

我们意识到身上的衣服是可以清洗的，而身体上的泥土也是可以洗澡洗掉的，但活在当下的兴奋，可以去探索未知事物，和为它感到惊奇，是比衣服和可以洗掉的泥土更有价值的。

我们持续思考着身为父母什么是对的什么是错的，塞古每天都在改变着我们。你知道，我们允许他攀爬沙发允许他在衣服和鞋子上画画，允许他在商店里跑来跑去——至少我允许，总之。这让其他妈妈死命的地盯着我。那些妈妈认为孩子应该在公共场合保持安静并表现良好。

I also get those questions that are really judgments, but I don't pay them any mind. Because at the end of the day, our job is to guide Sekou on this journey of life, not to control him. We're here to help him figure out his place in the world, to uncover his greatest gifts, to discover why he was born. We are raising a free black boy in a world that despises black joy, and we refuse to put limits on him that the world already has.

我还收到那些其实是评判你的问题，但是我丝毫不在意。因为到最后，我们的责任是在人生旅途上引领塞古，而不是控制他。我们存在的目的是帮助他找到在这个世界上的位置，去让他发现自己的天赋，去让他探寻自己为什么出生。我们在一个藐视黑人快乐的世界里，抚养一个自由的黑人小孩。我们拒绝给他设定这个世界已有的限制。

SS: Our parenting can be seen as an allegory for this two-sided coin of possibilities. On one side, the reality of raising a black boy in a society that says that black boys, black bodies and black lives only seen as profitable or disposable. And then there's the other side. Possibility of two parents who are no longer together coexisting, supporting each other, loving each other, showing affection publicly in a way that honors the relationship with our son. And even more importantly is the power to support each other in all those vulnerable moments.

沙卡：我们的抚养方式可以视作一个寓言，就像硬币两面存在的机遇。在一面，在社会上抚养黑人小孩的现实是黑人小孩子，黑人身体和生命只能被看作有利可图或者用完即丢弃。但另一面，已离异的父母合作共存相互支持，相互关爱，公开示爱的做法从一方面可以让我们的关系和儿子更加和谐。更重要的是，有在脆弱的时刻支持对方的能量。

There was this one time that it was my day to go pick up Sekou, you remember that time? I go pick Sekou up, he's in first grade, and as I'm walking up, another parent walks up and says, "Hey, Shaka. I seen Oprah Winfrey give a shout-out to you on CNN last night." She was super excited, exuberant even. I was mortified. Because I thought, what's going to happen when she tells another parent, and they tell another parent, and then they go and look me up and then they discover that I was in prison for second-degree murder. And then their child hears about it. And they come to school, and they say to Sekou, "Your dad was convicted of murdering someone." And I remember, as watching Sekou race out, and I knew that I had to call Ebony. When I called her, I explained to her what happened, Ebony said, "You have to have the talk."

有一次轮到我去接塞古那天，你记得那次吗？我去接塞古，他在一年级，随着我走进，另一个家长走过来说：“嘿，沙卡。我看到奥普拉·温弗瑞昨晚在CNN称赞你了。”她非常激动，甚至高兴过了头。我有一些不好意思。因为我在想如果她告诉其他的家长会发生什么，这些家长再告诉另外的家长，他们会去搜索我的信息，然后他们发现我因二级谋杀进过监狱。然后他们的孩子也会听说这件事。他们的孩子来到学校，对塞古说：“”你爸爸曾被判谋杀罪。”我记得，看着塞古冲出来我就知道是时间给艾博妮打电话了。当我给她打电话，我给她解释了发生的事情艾博妮说：“你必须和他亲自谈一谈。”

So I took Sekou home, got him ready for bed, and we talked for half an hour. I talked to him about why I went to prison. And I listened to his feedback. And then we called his mom so we can do our nightly ritual of her offering prayer and then me doing affirmations. And I remember holding him tightly. And I realized the importance of the affirmations that we do at night. And I see them as a road map, as a guide, as a touchstone for other parents to protect and to empower their children, especially in a world where it's very difficult.

所以我接塞古回了家，然后让他准备好上床睡觉，然后我们谈了半小时左右。我告诉他我为什么进监狱。然后我听他对我的回复。然后我们叫来他妈妈一起做睡前祷告，然后我做自我肯定。我记得紧紧握住他的手。我意识到晚上我们一起做自我肯定的重要性。我把它们当作公路地图，就像向导一样，作为别的父母们的试金石去保护并激励他们的孩子，特别是在这样做特别困难的环境里。

For us, co-parenting is so much more than scheduling pick-up and drop-off, playdates, deciding what he's going to wear, what he's going to eat. For us, it's about helping each other carry the weight, unpack the load, and to show up in the world in a way that honors the beauty of our son. And it's for these reasons that we do affirmations.

为了我们，共同抚养孩子远不止计划谁接孩子谁送孩子，谁带孩子去玩，决定他要穿什么，要吃什么。对我们来说，这是互相帮助共同承担，卸下重担，把尊重我们儿子的优秀的方式，展现给世界。这是我们做自我肯定的原因。

ER: We never though we'd be here. But here we are. And we hope that the way that we show up for Sekou and for each other is a model of what successful co-parenting can look like. We'd like to bring you all in to this nightly ritual of affirmations that Shaka does with Sekou every night at bedtime.

艾博妮：我们从没想过我们会在这儿。但我们现在在这儿。我们希望我们为塞古做的为对方做的是共同抚养的成功例子。我们想为大家呈现这个每晚沙卡与塞古一起做的自我肯定仪式。

SS: Hey.

沙卡：嘿。

(Applause)

（掌声）

SS: I am great. Sekou: I am great.

沙卡：我很棒。塞古：我很棒。

SS: I am awesome. Sekou: I am awesome.

沙卡：我很优秀。塞古：我很优秀。

SS: I'm amazing. Sekou: I'm amazing.

沙卡：我很精彩。塞古：我很精彩。

SS: I am thoughtful. Sekou: I am thoughtful.

沙卡：我很体贴。塞古：我很体贴。

SS: I am kind. Sekou: I am kind.

沙卡：我很友善。塞古：我很友善。

SS: I am loving. Sekou: I am loving.

沙卡：我很有爱。塞古：我很有爱。

SS: I am caring. Sekou: I am caring.

沙卡：我关心他人。塞古：我关心他人。

SS: I am funny. Sekou: I am funny.

沙卡：我很幽默。塞古：我很幽默。

SS: I'm smart. Sekou: I'm smart.

沙卡：我很聪明。塞古：我很聪明。

SS: I'm a big boy. Sekou: I'm a big boy.

沙卡：我是大男孩。塞古：我是大男孩。

SS: I'm a soldier. Sekou: I'm a soldier.

沙卡：我是一个战士。塞古：我是一个战士。

SS: I'm a warrior. Sekou: I'm a warrior.

沙卡：我是一个士兵。塞古：我是一个士兵。

SS: I am Sekou. Sekou: I am Sekou.

沙卡：我是塞古。塞古：我是塞古。

(Cheers and applause)

（欢呼与掌声）

ER: Good job, baby.

艾博妮：好样的，宝贝。