双语·面纱 第十五章

15

Who would have thought then that within three months they would be on such terms? He had told her since that he was crazy about her on that first evening. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He remembered the dress she wore; it was her wedding dress, and he said she looked like a lily of the valley. She knew that he was in love with her before he told her, and a little frightened she kept him at a distance. He was impetuous and it was difficult. She was afraid to let him kiss her, for the thought of his arms about her made her heart beat so fast. She had never been in love before. It was wonderful. And now that she knew what love was she felt a sudden sympathy for the love that Walter bore her. She teased him, playfully, and saw that he enjoyed it. She had been perhaps a little afraid of him, but now she had more confidence. She chaffed him and it amused her to see the slow smile with which at first he received her banter. He was surprised and pleased. One of these days, she thought, he would become quite human. Now that she had learnt something of passion it diverted her to play lightly, like a harpist running his fingers across the strings of his harp, on his affections. She laughed when she saw how she bewildered and confused him.

And when Charlie became her lover the situation between herself and Walter seemed exquisitely absurd. She could hardly look at him, so grave and self-controlled, without laughing. She was too happy to feel unkindly towards him. Except for him, after all, she would never have known Charlie. She had hesitated some time before the final step, not because she did not want to yield to Charlie's passion, her own was equal to his, but because her upbringing and all the conventions of her life intimidated her. She was amazed afterwards (and the final act was due to accident; neither of them had seen the opportunity till it was face to face with them) to discover that she felt in no way different from what she had before. She had expected that it would cause some, she hardly knew what, fantastic change in her so that she would feel like somebody else; and when she had a chance to look at herself in the glass she was bewildered to see the same woman she had seen the day before.

“Are you angry with me?” he asked her.

“I adore you,” she whispered.

“Don't you think you were very silly to waste so much time?”

“A perfect fool.”

第十五章

当时谁能想得到在短短的三个月内他们的关系就发展到这种程度呢？他后来告诉她，在第一次遇到她的那个傍晚，他就对她着了迷。她是他所见过的最漂亮的女人，他甚至还记得那天她穿的衣服，那身衣服实际上是她的结婚礼服。他还说，她看上去就像山谷中的百合花。在他表白之前，她就知道他爱上了自己，但有一点儿害怕，所以总跟他保持一定的距离。他在冲动时，很难让人拒绝。她害怕让他吻她，因为一想到他的双臂抱着她，她的心会怦怦直跳，她以前没有像这样爱过谁，爱情真是太美妙了。她明白了爱情是什么，便突然因沃尔特给她的爱而有些同情他。有时她半开玩笑地揶揄查理，发现他还挺乐在其中的。曾经一度她兴许还有点儿怕他，但现在她对他们的关系变得更有信心了。她取笑他，让她觉得好玩的是，她能看见他从一开始受到打趣时的一愣，到嘴角慢慢绽开笑容，显得又吃惊又开心。在那些日子里，她认为他更加具有男人味了。她已经明白激情的效果，现在能够轻松自如地操纵它了。就像竖琴师用手指划过琴弦，拨动他的爱情，当看到自己竟然让他如此尴尬和困惑时，她会哈哈大笑。

当查理成为她的情人后，她自己和沃尔特之间的情形反而显得很荒唐。她几乎不再看他一眼，他还是那么严肃，充满自制，不苟言笑。然而，她和查理在一起后太开心了，都无法不对沃尔特也和颜悦色起来。毕竟，如果不是沃尔特，她绝不会认识查理。在最终突破底线之前，她曾犹豫了很长一段时间，倒不是因为她不想屈服于查理的激情——她也同样爱他——而是因为她从小所处的环境和生活中所有的道德传统使她感到害怕。她后来（最后越过雷池事出偶然，其实并不是两个人刻意安排的，机会的到来也出乎他们的意料）很诧异地发现，她自己事后并没有觉得和原来的她有什么不同。她原以为自己会产生某种奇妙的变化，尽管还不知道这种变化到底是什么，因为她觉得要是换了别人也会发生这种变化的，而当她有机会在镜子中端详自己时，困惑地发现镜子中的女人和以前的那个女人并无二致。

“你生我的气吗？”他问她。

“我太爱你了。”她小声说道。

“你不觉得浪费那么多时间在我身上太傻了吗？”

“我确实太傻了。”