双语·面纱 第十七章

17

Of course it was not certain yet that Walter knew the truth, and if he didn't it was better perhaps to leave well alone; but if he did, well, in the end it would be the best thing for all of them. At first she had been, if not satisfied, at least resigned to seeing Charlie only by stealth; but time had increased her passion and for some while now she had been increasingly impatient of the obstacles which prevented them from being always together. He had told her so often that he cursed his position which forced him to be so discreet, the ties which bound him, and the ties which bound her: how marvellous it would have been, he said, if they were both free! She saw his point of view; no one wanted a scandal, and of course it required a good deal of thinking over before you changed the course of your life; but if freedom were thrust upon them, ah, then, how simple everything would be!

It was not as though any one would suffer very much. She knew exactly what his relations were with his wife. She was a cold woman and there had been no love between them for years. It was habit that held them together, convenience, and of course the children. It was easier for Charlie than for her: Walter loved her; but after all, he was absorbed in his work; and a man always had his club; he might be upset at first, but he would get over it; there was no reason why he should not marry somebody else. Charlie had told her that he could not make out how she came to throw herself away on Walter Fane.

She wondered, half smiling, why a little while before she had been terrified at the thought that Walter had caught them. Of course it was startling to see the handle of the door slowly turn. But after all they knew the worst that Walter could do, and they were ready for it. Charlie would feel as great a relief as she that what they both desired more than anything in the world should be thus forced upon them.

Walter was a gentleman, she would do him the justice to acknowledge that, and he loved her; he would do the right thing and allow her to divorce him. They had made a mistake and the lucky thing was that they had found it out before it was too late. She made up her mind exactly what she was going to say to him and how she would treat him. She would be kind, smiling, and firm. There was no need for them to quarrel. Later on she would always be glad to see him. She hoped honestly that the two years they had spent together would remain with him as a priceless memory.

“I don't suppose Dorothy Townsend will mind divorcing Charlie a bit,” she thought. “Now the youngest boy is going back to England it will be much nicer for her to be in England too. There's absolutely nothing for her to do in Hong Kong. She'll be able to spend all the holidays with her boys. And then she's got her father and mother in England.”

It was all very simple and everything could be managed without scandal or ill-feeling. And then she and Charlie could marry. Kitty drew a long sigh. They would be very happy. It was worth going through a certain amount of bother to achieve that. Confusedly, one picture jostling another, she thought of the life they would lead together, of the fun they would have and the little journeys they would take together, the house they would live in, the positions he would rise to, and the help she would be to him. He would be very proud of her and she, she adored him.

But through all these day-dreams ran a current of apprehension. It was funny: it was as though the wood and the strings of the orchestra played Arcadian melodies and in the bass the drums, softly but with foreboding, beat a grim tattoo. Sooner or later Walter must come home and her heart beat fast at the thought of meeting him: it was strange that he had gone away that afternoon without saying a word to her. Of course she was not frightened of him; after all what could he do, she repeated to herself; but she could not quite allay her uneasiness. Once more she repeated what she would say to him. What was the good of making a scene? She was very sorry, Heaven knew she didn't want to cause him pain, but she couldn't help it if she didn't love him. It was no good pretending and it was always better to tell the truth. She hoped he wouldn't be unhappy, but they had made a mistake and the only sensible thing was to acknowledge it. She would always think kindly of him.

But even as she said this to herself a sudden gust of fear made the sweat start out in the palms of her hands. And because she was frightened she grew angry with him. If he wanted to make a scene, that was his lookout; he must not be surprised if he got more than he bargained for. She would tell him that she had never cared two pins for him and that not a day had passed since their marriage without her regretting it. He was dull. Oh, how he'd bored her, bored her, bored her! He thought himself so much better than any one else, it was laughable; he had no sense of humour; she hated his supercilious air, his coldness, and his self-control. It was easy to be self-controlled when you were interested in nothing and nobody but yourself. He was repulsive to her. She hated to let him kiss her. What had he to be so conceited about? He danced rottenly, he was a wet blanket at a party, he couldn't play or sing, he couldn't play polo and his tennis was no better than anybody else's. Bridge? Who cared about bridge?

Kitty worked herself up into a towering passion. Let him dare to reproach her. All that had happened was his own fault. She was thankful that he knew the truth at last. She hated him and wished never to see him again. Yes, she was thankful that it was all over. Why couldn't he leave her alone? He had pestered her into marrying him and now she was fed up.

“Fed up,” she repeated aloud, trembling with anger. “Fed up! Fed up!”

She heard the car draw up to the gate of their garden. He was coming up the stairs.

第十七章

当然，还不能确定沃尔特已经知道了事情的真相，如果他还蒙在鼓里，也许最好让事情顺其自然，但如果他发现了二人的秘密，那么最终这种关系对他们三个人来说可能是块试金石。起初，虽然不能心满意足，但至少她能指望偶尔与查理幽会，但随着时间的推移，她的热情也被激发了出来，近一段时间以来，她开始对阻挡他们永远厮守在一起的种种障碍变得越来越不耐烦了。他已经跟她讲过多次，他也讨厌自己的身份地位，让他不能不小心行事，联结他们之间爱情的纽带本来是那么的美妙，他说，如果他们都是自由身该有多好！她明白他的想法，没人想闹出丑闻，况且人们在彻底改变原有的生活前要三思而行，但如果他们真的获得自由，啊，到那个时候，一切问题都将迎刃而解！

好像也并非每个人都会那么痛苦，她很清楚他和他妻子之间的关系。他的妻子是个冷漠的女人，他们之间已经有多年没有爱情可言了，维系他们夫妻关系的只有搭伙过日子的习惯和传统，当然了，还有孩子。她自己这边比查理那边要麻烦得多，因为沃尔特爱她，但话说回来，他可以把精力投入到工作中，而且一个男人可以去俱乐部打发时光。在一开始，他可能会难过，但很快就会从打击中恢复过来，他也完全可以再娶。查理跟她说过，他怎么也搞不明白她竟然会把自己的一生托付给沃尔特·费恩。

她自己也奇怪，就在刚才，她一想到沃尔特会当场捉到他们还感到害怕呢，这会儿脸上竟然露出了微笑。当然，看到门把手在慢慢转动确实会吓人一跳，但是毕竟他们知道沃尔特能做出的最糟糕的举动也不过如此，而且他们也做好了准备。查理会和她一样如释重负，因为他们在世界上最希望出现的事，莫过于该来的就来吧，好让心头的巨石落地。

沃尔特是个绅士——她凭良心确实应该承认这一点——而且还很爱她，他会做出正确的选择，允许她跟他离婚的。他们已经犯了错，值得庆幸的是，在事情无法收场之前，他们都发现了这个错误。她已经暗下决心将要向他坦白些什么，她怎样对待他的反应。她将会心平气和、面带微笑、坚定不移地面对一切。他们没有必要争吵，从此以后，他们还能高兴地见面，她真心希望他们一起度过的两年时光会成为他宝贵的回忆。

“我觉得多萝西·汤森一点儿也不会介意和查理离婚的。”她思忖，“她最小的儿子将被送回英国，对她来说，和儿子一起待在英国会好得多。在香港她完全无所事事，而在英国她能和孩子们度过所有的假期，然后还可以把父母也接来和他们一起住。”

如果是这样的话，事情会变得很简单。不会闹出什么丑闻或者让她们彼此仇视，一切都会很妥当。然后，她会顺理成章地嫁给查理。凯蒂长长地叹了一口气，他们二人婚后一定会很幸福，所以，为了达到这一目的，克服重重障碍也是值得的。在迷迷糊糊中，各种画面纷至沓来，她想到了他们将在一起生活的场景，想到了他们拥有的快乐，想到了他们会一起出门旅行，还想到了他们居住的房屋的布置。他可能会步步高升，她也可能成为他事业上的贤内助，他会为她感到骄傲，而她自己，也是那么爱慕和崇拜他。

但是，伴随着这些白日梦，凯蒂的心头还是涌起了一阵阵的恐惧。这显得很滑稽，好像是交响乐队的管乐和弦乐在演奏着田园牧歌的曲调，而低音吉他和各种鼔的演奏虽然听上去声音轻柔，却在不断地、预示性地敲击着可怕的恶兆。迟早沃尔特会回到家中，而一想到要面对他，她的心快要跳到嗓子眼了。那天下午他出门时竟然没有跟她说一个字，这一点很奇怪。当然，她并不害怕他，他无论如何不会做出什么出格的事儿来的，她反复地安慰自己。但是，不知为什么，她就是不能放下心头的不安。她在心底把要对他说的话又重复了一遍，大吵大闹似乎于事无补，她真的觉得很抱歉，上天知道她其实不想让他痛苦，但她不爱他，这点她是无能为力的，继续假装下去，对他并没什么好处，告诉他真相总比永远瞒着他要好。她希望他不会太难过，可是他们已经犯下了错误，唯一明智的选择就是承认这一点，她会总想着他的好的。

然而，她这样自言自语时，突如其来的一阵恐惧还是让她的手掌心开始冒汗。因为她还是害怕，她开始对他越想越有气。如果他想吵架，那他自己也要小心点儿。如果他得寸进尺，就不要惊讶她会反击。她会告诉他，她从来没有在乎过他，自从他们结婚以来，没有一天她不是在后悔中度过的。他是那么的乏味无趣，噢，他让她烦得要死，要死，要死！他自己觉得比别人强得多，这真可笑。他没有幽默感，她恨透了他的傲慢、他的冷漠、他的自制。如果除了自己，他对身边的人和事都不感兴趣的话，自制是轻而易举的。对她来说，他是面目可憎的，她讨厌他吻她。他凭什么那么自负？他的舞跳得很烂，在聚会上他是一个扫兴的人。他不会乐器，也不会唱歌，他不会打马球，网球打得也不比别人好。他很会打桥牌？谁会在乎别人桥牌打得有多好？

凯蒂越想越激动，他有胆子就来责怪她吧。所发生的一切都是他自己的错。谢天谢地他终于知道了真相。她恨他，希望永远不要再见到他。没错，她庆幸一切都结束了。为什么他不能让她消停会儿？他已经缠着她多时而且娶了她，现在她已经受够了。

“受够了。”她大声重复着，颤抖的声音中夹杂着愤怒。“受够了，真是受够了！”

就在这时，她听到了小汽车停在了花园入口的声音。随后，是他上楼的脚步声。