双语·面纱 第二十八章
They were reaching their destination at last. They were borne in chairs, day after day, along a narrow causeway between interminable rice-fields. They set out at dawn and travelled till the heat of the day forced them to take shelter in a wayside inn and then went on again till they reached the town where they had arranged to spend the night. Kitty's chair headed the procession and Walter followed her; then in a struggling line came the coolies that bore their bedding, stores, and equipment. Kitty passed through the country with unseeing eyes. All through the long hours, the silence broken only by an occasional remark from one of the bearers or a snatch of uncouth song, she turned over in her tortured mind the details of that heart-rending scene in Charlie's office. Recalling what he had said to her and what she had said to him, she was dismayed to see what an arid and business-like turn their conversation had taken. She had not said what she wanted to say and she had not spoken in the tone she intended. Had she been able to make him see her boundless love, the passion in her heart, and her helplessness, he could never have been so inhuman as to leave her to her fate. She had been taken unawares. She could hardly believe her ears when he told her, more clearly than with words, that he cared nothing for her. That was why she had not even cried very much, she had been so dazed. She had wept since, wept miserably.
At night in the inns, sharing the principal guest chamber with her husband and conscious that Walter, lying on his camp bed, a few feet away from her, lay awake, she dug her teeth in the pillow so that no sound might escape her. But in the day-time, protected by the curtains of her chair, she allowed herself to give way. Her pain was so great that she could have screamed at the top of her voice; she had never known that one could suffer so much; and she asked herself desperately what she had done to deserve it. She could not make out why Charlie did not love her: it was her fault, she supposed, but she had done everything she knew to make him fond of her. They had always got on so well, they laughed all the time they were together, they were not only lovers but good friends. She could not understand; she was broken. She told herself that she hated and despised him; but she had no idea how she was going to live if she was never to see him again. If Walter was taking her to Mei-tan-fu as a punishment he was making a fool of himself, for what did she care now what became of her? She had nothing to live for any more. It was rather hard to be finished with life at twenty-seven.
他们终于快到目的地了。他们在轿椅上被人抬着，一天又一天，沿着一条狭窄的、无休无止的稻田堤道行进。他们在黎明时分动身，一直走着，直到正午太阳的炎热迫使他们在路边的小酒馆乘凉和歇脚。然后他们又继续上路，到达某个城镇后，预备在那儿过夜。凯蒂的轿椅在前面，沃尔特的紧随其后，落在最后面的是一群苦力，他们背着被褥、日杂用品和医疗实验设备。凯蒂经过乡村的时候，感觉到有很多看不见的眼睛在注视着她。在漫长的旅途中，沉寂会被轿夫们偶尔的谈话所打破，或者有人扯开嗓子干号几段粗俗的小调。她受尽折磨的脑海中翻来覆去地播放着在查理办公室里撕心裂肺的一幕幕，她回忆着他的话，以及她对他所说的话，难过地发现他们的对话从过去的甜言蜜语变成了枯燥无味和讨价还价的语言。她没有说出想说的话，而说话的语气也不是她的本意，要是能让他明白她对他无尽的爱，她心中的激情，以及她的无助，他就绝不可能那么不近人情地把她交给命运摆布。当他明白无误地告诉她，他对她根本不在乎的时候，她几乎不能相信自己的耳朵，完全蒙了，这也能解释为什么她甚至都没有放声大哭。她已经晕头转向，不知所措了。从那时起，她总暗自流泪，悲伤的眼泪几乎一直没有停过。
在小旅店过夜的时候，凯蒂和丈夫一起住在主客房中，她能够感觉到躺在离她几英尺远的行军床上的沃尔特也没有睡着。她用牙咬紧枕头，不让自己哭出声来。但是在白天的时候，在轿椅帘子的保护下，她让眼泪无声地流淌。在痛彻心扉的感觉达到顶点的时候，她恨不得发出声嘶力竭的呼喊。她以前从不知道一个人能遭受这么大的痛苦，所以经常绝望地扪心自问，她造了什么孽，要得到这样的报应。她不明白为什么查理不爱她了，有时思忖，也许是她的错，但是她已经用尽浑身解数来取悦他，让他欣赏自己。他们一直相处得很好，在一起时，有数不尽的欢笑，他们不仅是情人关系，也是志同道合的好朋友。她无法理解，精神都快崩溃了，不时地告诫自己她憎恨和鄙视他，可如果再也见不到他，她不知道自己应该如何继续生活下去。如果沃尔特把她带到湄潭府来是为了惩罚她，那么他就大错特错了，她现在这个样子，还在乎什么呢？她就是个活死人，但要在她仅仅二十七岁的时候就结束一切，似乎也不太容易。
