双语·面纱 第八十章

80

They dined. Mr. Garstin gave Kitty the details of his wife's illness and death, and he told her of the kindness of the friends who had written (there were piles of sympathetic letters on his table and he sighed when he considered the burden of answering them) and of the arrangements he had made for the funeral. Then they went back into his study. This was the only room in the house which had a fire. He mechanically took from the chimney-piece his pipe and began to fill it, but he gave his daughter a doubtful look and put it down.

“Aren't you going to smoke?” she asked.

“Your mother didn't very much like the smell of a pipe after dinner and since the war I've given up cigars.”

His answer gave Kitty a little pang. It seemed dreadful that a man of sixty should hesitate to smoke what he wanted in his own study.

“I like the smell of a pipe,” she smiled.

A faint look of relief crossed his face and taking his pipe once more he lit it. They sat opposite one another on each side of the fire. He felt that he must talk to Kitty of her own troubles.

“You received the letter your mother wrote to you to Port Said, I suppose. The news of poor Walter's death was a great shock to both of us. I thought him a very nice fellow.”

Kitty did not know what to say.

“Your mother told me that you were going to have a baby.”

“Yes.”

“When do you expect it?”

“In about four months.”

“It will be a great consolation to you. You must go and see Doris's boy. He's a fine little fellow.”

They were talking more distantly than if they were strangers who had just met, for if they had been he would have been interested in her just because of that, and curious, but their common past was a wall of indifference between them. Kitty knew too well that she had done nothing to beget her father's affection, he had never counted in the house and had been taken for granted, the bread-winner who was a little despised because he could provide no more luxuriously for his family; but she had taken for granted that he loved her just because he was her father, and it was a shock to discover that his heart was empty of feeling for her. She had known that they were all bored by him, but it had never occurred to her that he was equally bored by them. He was as ever kind and subdued, but the sad perspicacity which she had learnt in suffering suggested to her that, though he had probably never acknowledged it to himself and never would, in his heart he disliked her.

His pipe was not drawing and he rose to find something to poke it with. Perhaps it was an excuse to hide his nervousness.

“Your mother wished you to stay here till your baby was born and she was going to have your old room got ready for you.”

“I know. I promise you I won't be a bother.”

“Oh, it's not that. Under the circumstances it was evident that the only place for you to come to was your father's house. But the fact is that I've just been offered the post of Chief Justice of the Bahamas and I have accepted it.”

“Oh, father, I'm so glad. I congratulate you with all my heart.”

“The offer arrived too late for me to tell your poor mother. It would have given her a great satisfaction.”

The bitter irony of fate! After all her efforts, intrigues, and humiliations, Mrs. Garstin had died without knowing that her ambition, however modified by past disappointments, was at last achieved.

“I am sailing early next month. Of course this house will be put in the agent's hands and my intention was to sell the furniture. I'm sorry that I shan't be able to have you to stay here, but if you'd like any of the furniture to furnish a flat I shall be extremely pleased to give it to you.”

Kitty looked into the fire. Her heart beat quickly; it was curious that on a sudden she should be so nervous. But at last she forced herself to speak. In her voice was a little tremor.

“Couldn't I come with you, father?”

“You? Oh, my dear Kitty.” His face fell. She had often heard the expression, but thought it only a phrase, and now for the first time in her life she saw the movement that it described. It was so marked that it startled her. “But all your friends are here and Doris is here. I should have thought you'd be much happier if you took a flat in London. I don't exactly know what your circumstances are, but I shall be very glad to pay the rent of it.”

“I have enough money to live on.”

“I'm going to a strange place. I know nothing of the conditions.”

“I'm used to strange places. London means nothing to me any more. I couldn't breathe here.”

He closed his eyes for a moment and she thought he was going to cry. His face bore an expression of utter misery. It wrung her heart. She had been right; the death of his wife had filled him with relief and now this chance to break entirely with the past had offered him freedom. He had seen a new life spread before him and at last after all these years rest and the mirage of happiness. She saw dimly all the suffering that had preyed on his heart for thirty years. At last he opened his eyes. He could not prevent the sigh that escaped him.

“Of course if you wish to come I shall be very pleased.”

It was pitiful. The struggle had been short and he had surrendered to his sense of duty. With those few words he abandoned all his hopes. She rose from her chair and going over to him knelt down and seized his hands.

“No, father, I won't come unless you want me. You've sacrificed yourself enough. If you want to go alone, go. Don't think of me for a minute.”

He released one of her hands and stroked her pretty hair.

“Of course I want you, my dear. After all I'm your father and you're a widow and alone. If you want to be with me it would be very unkind of me not to want you.”

“But that's just it, I make no claims on you because I'm your daughter, you owe me nothing.”

“Oh, my dear child.”

“Nothing,” she repeated vehemently. “My heart sinks when I think how we've battened on you all our lives and have given you nothing in return. Not even a little affection. I'm afraid you've not had a very happy life. Won't you let me try to make up a little for all I've failed to do in the past?”

He frowned a little. Her emotion embarrassed him.

“I don't know what you mean. I've never had any complaint to make of you.”

“Oh, father, I've been through so much, I've been so unhappy. I'm not the Kitty I was when I went away. I'm terribly weak, but I don't think I'm the filthy cad I was then. Won't you give me a chance? I have nobody but you in the world now. Won't you let me try to make you love me? Oh, father, I'm so lonely and so miserable; I want your love so badly.”

She buried her face in his lap and cried as though her heart were breaking.

“Oh, my Kitty, my little Kitty,” he murmured.

She looked up and put her arms round his neck.

“Oh, father, be kind to me. Let us be kind to one another.”

He kissed her, on the lips, as a lover might, and his cheeks were wet with her tears.

“Of course you shall come with me.”

“Do you want me to? Do you really want me to?”

“Yes.”

“I'm so grateful to you.”

“Oh, my dear, don't say things like that to me. It makes me feel quite awkward.”

He took out his handkerchief and dried her eyes. He smiled in a way that she had never seen him smile before. Once more she threw her arms round his neck.

“We'll have such a lark, father dear. You don't know what fun we're going to have together.”

“You haven't forgotten that you're going to have a baby.”

“I'm glad she'll be born out there within sound of the sea and under a wide blue sky.”

“Have you already made up your mind about the sex?” he murmured, with his thin, dry smile.

“I want a girl because I want to bring her up so that she shan't make the mistakes I've made. When I look back upon the girl I was I hate myself. But I never had a chance. I'm going to bring up my daughter so that she's free and can stand on her own feet. I'm not going to bring a child into the world, and love her, and bring her up, just so that some man may want to sleep with her so much that he's willing to provide her with board and lodging for the rest of her life.”

She felt her father stiffen. He had never spoken of such things and it shocked him to hear these words in his daughter's mouth.

“Let me be frank just this once, father. I've been foolish and wicked and hateful. I've been terribly punished. I'm determined to save my daughter from all that. I want her to be fearless and frank. I want her to be a person, independent of others because she is possessed of herself, and I want her to take life like a free man and make a better job of it than I have.”

“Why, my love, you talk as though you were fifty. You've got all your life before you. You mustn't be down-hearted.”

Kitty shook her head and slowly smiled.

“I'm not. I have hope and courage.”

The past was finished; let the dead bury their dead. Was that dreadfully callous? She hoped with all her heart that she had learnt compassion and charity. She could not know what the future had in store for her, but she felt in herself the strength to accept whatever was to come with a light and buoyant spirit. Then, on a sudden, for no reason that she knew of, from the depths of her unconscious arose a reminiscence of the journey they had taken, she and poor Walter, to the plague-ridden city where he had met his death: one morning they set out in their chairs while it was still dark, and as the day broke she divined rather than saw a scene of such breath-taking loveliness that for a brief period the anguish of her heart was assuaged. It reduced to insignificance all human tribulation. The sun rose, dispelling the mist, and she saw winding onwards as far as the eye could reach, among the rice-fields, across a little river and through undulating country the path they were to follow: perhaps her faults and follies, the unhappiness she had suffered, were not entirely vain if she could follow the path that now she dimly discerned before her, not the path that kind funny old Waddington had spoken of that led nowhither, but the path those dear nuns at the convent followed so humbly, the path that led to peace.

第八十章

他们吃晚饭了，贾斯汀先生详细地跟凯蒂讲了她母亲生病和去世的经过，并告诉她亲友们写来表示哀悼的信件（在他的桌子上有好几摞这样的信件，当他想到还要费事一一回复时，叹了口气），还有他为葬礼所做的安排。饭后，他们又回到了书房，这是这栋房子里唯一有火炉的房间。他机械地从壁炉架上拿起烟斗，开始往里面填烟丝，但他用探询的目光看了女儿一眼后又把烟斗放下了。

“您不抽烟了？”她问道。

“你母亲在晚饭后不太喜欢烟味，战后我就戒了。”

他的回答让凯蒂心头一痛。一位六十岁的老人想在自己的书房里吸烟还得踌躇再三，这好像挺可悲的。

“我喜欢烟草味。”她笑着说道。

一丝放松的表情掠过了他的面庞，他马上又拿起了烟斗，点上了烟。在火炉旁，他们彼此面对面坐着，他觉得必须和凯蒂谈谈她个人的事情了。

“我想你在赛德港一定收到了你母亲的信件，可怜的沃尔特的死讯让我们两个人觉得非常震惊，我觉得他是一个好人。”

凯蒂不知说什么好。

“你母亲也告诉我你已经怀孕了。”

“是的。”

“预产期是什么时候？”

“大约四个月后吧。”

“对你来说，有了孩子可能是一个很大的安慰，你必须去看看多瑞丝的儿子，他真是一个可爱的小家伙。”

他们漫无目的地谈着，好像是初次相遇的陌生人，彼此很客气，似乎他只对她的这些事感兴趣和好奇，他们父女共同的过去，是一堵隔阂的墙横在他们之间。凯蒂心里很明白，过去她没做过一件让父亲对她宠爱有加的事情，他在这所房子里从来没什么地位，他的辛苦被看作是理所当然的，这个养家糊口的人反而有点儿遭到鄙视，因为他无法为家人提供更为奢侈的生活。而且她也认为，因为他是她的父亲，所以他爱她是天经地义的事情，当发现他对她没有什么感情时，她感觉大吃一惊。她知道全家人对他有点儿烦，但从未意识到他也同样对她们感到厌烦。他是那么的善良和逆来顺受，但是她在痛苦中练就的可悲的敏锐让她意识到，虽然他自己可能以前不会，今后也绝不会承认他不喜欢她。

他的烟斗似乎堵住了，他站起身来想找东西捅一捅它。也许这是掩盖他紧张的一个借口。

“你母亲希望你留在这儿直到你的孩子出世，她已经把你过去住的房间准备好了。”

“我知道，我保证不会给您添麻烦的。”

“哦，不要那样说。在这种情况下，很显然除了你父母家，你也没地方可去。但实际上，我刚刚得到了一个巴哈马首席法官的职位，我已经答应就任了。”

“噢，父亲，我太高兴了，我衷心地祝贺您。”

“他们提供这个职位的消息来得太晚了，我还来不及告诉你可怜的母亲。它本来会使她非常满意的。”

真是命运弄人！贾斯汀夫人一辈子费尽心机、苦心经营——虽然屡遭失望之后目标也有所降低——却在最后得偿所愿之前撒手人寰。

“我下个月初出发，当然，这栋房子将交到房产代理人的手上，我打算卖掉家具。我很抱歉，不能让你待在这儿，但是如果你喜欢任何家具，放在一个租来的房间里，你尽可搬走，而且我特别高兴能为你付租金。”

凯蒂怔怔地看着火焰，她的心跳得很厉害。突然，一个念头在她心中一闪，她自己都吓了一跳。但是，最后她还是硬着头皮说了出来，她的声音中带着一丝颤抖。

“我不能跟你一起去吗，父亲？”

“你？呃，我亲爱的凯蒂。”他的脸色沉下来了。她过去经常听到这个称呼，但当时想它不过是个短语，如今她生命中第一次明白了这个亲昵的字眼还能和这样的行动联系在一起，这让她吓了一跳。“但是你所有的朋友都在这儿，多瑞丝也在这儿，我想你要是在伦敦租一个公寓房住会幸福得多，我不十分清楚你的经济状况，但是我很高兴能替你付房租。”

“我有足够的钱生活。”

“我将去一个陌生的地方，我对那里的状况一无所知。”

“我已经习惯了去陌生的地方，伦敦对于我来说没有任何意义，我在这儿都无法呼吸。”

他闭了一会儿眼睛，她觉得他都快哭了。他的脸上挂着一副特别悲惨的表情。这让她心如刀绞，她的判断是对的，她母亲的去世让他充满了解放的感觉，现在他有了这种和过去完全决裂，重获自由的机会。至少经过了这么些年的无所事事，以及始终处于幸福的海市蜃楼之中，他已经看到新生活在面前展开。她依稀看到了他三十年来一直压在心头的痛苦。最后，他睁开了眼睛，情不自禁地一声长叹。

“当然了，如果你希望去，我会很高兴的。”

真可怜，经过了短暂的挣扎之后，他还是向责任感交了械。这些话表明他放弃了所有的希望。她从椅子上站起来，来到他的膝前跪了下去，并抓住了他的双手。

“不，父亲，除非你需要我，否则的话我不跟您去了。您已经牺牲得够多的了。如果您想一个人去，去吧，不要为我考虑一分钟。”

他抽出了一只手，抚摸着她漂亮的头发。

“我当然需要你，我亲爱的，无论如何我是你的父亲，你现在失去了丈夫，一个人孤零零的，如果你想跟我一起去，我不允许的话，那就太不近人情了。”

“但是这就是问题的关键，我不能因为是您的女儿就强求您答应，您不欠我什么。”

“噢，我亲爱的孩子。”

“什么都不欠。”她情绪激动地重复着，“当我想到我们一辈子都是靠压榨您来养肥自己，而没有给您任何回报，甚至没有丝毫的感恩之情，我的心就好像沉到了冰窟窿里。恐怕您以前的生活非常不幸，您难道不让我为过去没有做的事做些补偿吗？”

他皱了一下眉，她的感情让他觉得有点儿窘迫。

“我不明白你的意思，我从来没抱怨过你们什么呀。”

“哦，父亲，我已经经历过那么多事，是那么的不幸，我已经不是离开这儿时的那个凯蒂了，我确实很虚弱，但我已经不是那时的那个卑鄙无耻之人了。您不想给我一次机会吗？我现在在这个世界上没有别的亲人了，只有您了。难道您不想给我机会让您爱我吗？噢，父亲，我是那么的孤单和悲惨，我多么需要您的爱呀。”

她把脸埋到他的膝盖上，哭泣着，好像心都碎了。

“哦，我的凯蒂，我的小凯蒂。”他喃喃地说道。

她抬起头来，双手搂着他的脖子。

“哦，父亲，对我好点儿吧，让我们对彼此都好点儿吧。”

他亲吻了她，在嘴唇上，就像恋人那样，他的脸颊被她的泪水打湿了。

“当然你会跟我一起走。”

“你想让我去？你真的想让我去吗？”

“没错。”

“我太感激您了。”

“哦，我亲爱的，不要对我说那些话了，那让我觉得很尴尬。”

他掏出手绢擦干了她的泪水，他用一种她以前从未见过的方式微笑着，她又一次用胳膊搂住了他的脖子。

“我们将有一只快乐的云雀，亲爱的父亲，你不知道我们在一起会有多么的欢乐。”

“你还没忘记你会有一个宝贝。”

“我很高兴她会出生在一个四面环海、头顶蓝天的地方。”

“你已经确定了孩子的性别？”他嘟囔道，带着一丝淡淡的笑意。

“我想要个女孩，因为我想亲手把她抚养长大，让她不要再犯我曾经犯过的错误，当我回首小的时候，我恨自己，但又没有机会重新来过。我会抚养我的女儿，让她自由自在，能够自食其力。我把一个孩子带到这个世界上来，爱她，把她养大，不是为了让她将来和哪个男人睡觉，从此一辈子依附于他。”

她觉得父亲僵住了，他从来没有说过这样的话，这些话从他女儿的嘴里说出来也让他非常震惊。

“让我这次开门见山地说吧，父亲。我一直都很笨，很坏，很可恨。我也受到了可怕的惩罚。我决定不让我的女儿重蹈覆辙，我想培养她无所畏惧和诚实坦率的品质，我想把她培养成一个不依附于他人，拥有独立人格的人，我想让她自由自在地生活，比我活得成功精彩。”

“怎么啦，我亲爱的，你说起话来像个五十岁的老女人。你还有美好的生活在等着你，不能灰心丧气呀。”

凯蒂摇了摇头，缓缓地笑了起来。

“我没有灰心，我充满了希望和勇气。”

过去的已经过去，让死去的人永远死去吧，这听上去很无情吗？她衷心地希望自己已经学会了悲天悯人。她不知道什么样的未来在等待着她，但是她自信有力量，用轻松愉快的心情来接受无论什么样的挑战。突然之间，她不知道什么原因，从无意识的深处萌发了对过去他们所走过旅程的回忆，她和可怜的沃尔特一起去瘟疫肆虐的城市，在那里他走到了生命的尽头：一个清晨，天依然很黑，他们坐上轿椅出发了。就在刚破晓的时候，她预测到了而不是看到了一个让人美到窒息的景象，在一小段时期内，她心中的痛苦得到了抚慰，这景象把人类所有的苦难都减少到了微不足道的程度。太阳升起来了，驱散了雾气，她看到了蜿蜒的小路一直通向目光所能及的远方，小路就在稻田之间，穿过小河，越过山峦起伏的乡间。他们沿着这条小路走着，也许她做过的所有错事蠢事，她所遭受的种种不幸，并不是完全毫无意义的，只要她沿着这条小路前行。这条她现在能够模糊看清的面前的小路，已经不是善良、滑稽的威廷顿说过的通向乌有乡的路，而是那些修道院里可亲的修女无怨无悔地行于其上的路，一条通向安宁的路。