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双语《如何享受人生,享受工作》 第九章 与人交往的最大秘密

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2022年06月23日

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Chapter 9 The Big Secret of Dealing with People

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

Remember, there is no other way.

Of course, you can make someone want to give you his watch by sticking a revolver in his ribs. You can make your employees give you cooperation—until your back is turned—by threatening to fire them. You can make a child do what you want it to do by a whip or a threat. But these crude methods have sharply undesirable repercussions.

The only way I can get you to do anything is by giving you what you want.

What do you want?

Sigmund Freud said that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.

John Dewey, one of America's most profound philosophers, phrased it a bit differently. Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is“the desire to be important.”Remember that phrase:“the desire to be important.”It is significant. You are going to hear a lot about it in this book.

What do you want? Not many things, but the few things that you do wish, you crave with an insistence that will not be denied. Some of the things most people want include:

1. Health and the preservation of life.

2. Food.

3. Sleep.

4. Money and the things money will buy.

5. Life in the hereafter.

6. Sexual gratification.

7. The well-being of our children.

8. A feeling of importance.

Almost all these wants are usually gratified—all except one. But there is one longing—almost as deep, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep—which is seldom gratified. It is what Freud calls“the desire to be great.”It is what Dewey calls the“desire to be important.”

Lincoln once began a letter saying:“Everybody likes a compliment.”William James said:“The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”He didn't speak, mind you, of the“wish”or the“desire”or the“longing”to be appreciated. He said the“craving”to be appreciated.

Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and“even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.”

The desire for a feeling of importance is one of the chief distinguishing differences between mankind and the animals. To illustrate: When I was a farm boy out in Missouri, my father bred fine Duroc-Jersey hogs and pedigreed white-faced cattle. We used to exhibit our hogs and white-faced cattle at the country fairs and livestock shows throughout the Middle West. We won first prizes by the score. My father pinned his blue ribbons on a sheet of white muslin, and when friends or visitors came to the house, he would get out the long sheet of muslin. He would hold one end and I would hold the other while he exhibited the blue ribbons.

The hogs didn't care about the ribbons they had won. But Father did. These prizes gave him a feeling of importance.

If our ancestors hadn't had this flaming urge for a feeling of importance, civilization would have been impossible. Without it, we should have been just about like animals.

It was this desire for a feeling of importance that led an uneducated, poverty-stricken grocery clerk to study some law books he found in the bottom of a barrel of household plunder that he had bought for fifty cents. You have probably heard of this grocery clerk. His name was Lincoln.

It was this desire for a feeling of importance that inspired Dickens to write his immortal novels. This desire inspired Sir Christopher Wren to design his symphonies in stone. This desire made Rockefeller amass millions that he never spent! And this same desire made the richest family in your town build a house far too large for its requirements.

This desire makes you want to wear the latest styles, drive the latest cars, and talk about your brilliant children.

It is this desire that lures many boys and girls into joining gangs and engaging in criminal activities. The average young criminal, according to E. P. Mulrooney, onetime police commissioner of New York, is filled with ego, and his first request after arrest is for those lurid newspapers that make him out a hero. The disagreeable prospect of serving time seems remote so long as he can gloat over his likeness sharing space with pictures of sports figures, movie and TV stars and politicians.

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I'll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you. For example, John D. Rockefeller got his feeling of importance by giving money to erect a modern hospital in Peking, China, to care for millions of poor people whom he had never seen and never would see. Dillinger, on the other hand, got his feeling of importance by being a bandit, a bank robber and killer. When the FBI agents were hunting him, he dashed into a farmhouse up in Minnesota and said,“I'm Dillinger!”He was proud of the fact that he was Public Enemy Number One.“I'm not going to hurt you, but I'm Dillinger!”he said.

Yes, the one significant difference between Dillinger and Rockefeller is how they got their feeling of importance.

History sparkles with amusing examples of famous people struggling for a feeling of importance. Even George Washington wanted to be called“His Mightiness, the President of the United States”; and Columbus pleaded for the title“Admiral of the Ocean and Viceroy of India.”Catherine the Great refused to open letters that were not addressed to“Her Imperial Majesty”; and Mrs. Lincoln, in the White House, turned upon Mrs. Grant like a tigress and shouted,“How dare you be seated in my presence until I invite you!”

Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd's expedition to the Antarctic in 1928 with the understanding that ranges of icy mountains would be named after them; and Victor Hugo aspired to have nothing less than the city of Paris renamed in his honor. Even Shakespeare, mightiest of the mighty, tried to add luster to his name by procuring a coat of arms for his family.

People sometimes became invalids in order to win sympathy and attention, and get a feeling of importance. For example, take Mrs. McKinley. She got a feeling of importance by forcing her husband, the President of the United States, to neglect important affairs of state while he reclined on the bed beside her for hours at a time, his arm about her, soothing her to sleep. She fed her gnawing desire for attention by insisting that he remain with her while she was having her teeth fixed, and once created a stormy scene when he had to leave her alone with the dentist while he kept an appointment with John Hay, his secretary of state.

The writer Mary Roberts Rinehart once told me of a bright, vigorous young woman who became an invalid in order to get a feeling of importance.“One day,”said Mrs. Rinehart,“this woman had been obliged to face something, her age perhaps. The lonely years were stretching ahead and there was little left for her to anticipate.

“She took to her bed; and for ten years her old mother traveled to the third floor and back, carrying trays, nursing her. Then one day the old mother, weary with service, lay down and died. For some weeks, the invalid languished; then she got up, put on her clothing, and resumed living again.”

Some authorities declare that people may actually go insane in order to find, in the dreamland of insanity, the feeling of importance that has been denied them in the harsh world of reality. There are more patients suffering from mental diseases in the United States than from all other diseases combined.

What is the cause of insanity?

Nobody can answer such a sweeping question, but we know that certain diseases, such as syphilis, break down and destroy the brain cells and result in insanity. In fact, about one-half of all mental diseases can be attributed to such physical causes as brain lesions, alcohol, toxins and injuries. But the other half—and this is the appalling part of the story—the other half of the people who go insane apparently have nothing organically wrong with their brain cells. In post-mortem examinations, when their brain tissues are studied under the highest-powered microscopes, these tissues are found to be apparently just as healthy as yours and mine.

Why do these people go insane?

I put that question to the head physician of one of our most important psychiatric hospitals. This doctor, who has received the highest honors and the most coveted awards for his knowledge of this subject, told me frankly that he didn't know why people went insane. Nobody knows for sure. But he did say that many people who go insane find in insanity a feeling of importance that they were unable to achieve in the world of reality. Then he told me this story:

“I have a patient right now whose marriage proved to be a tragedy. She wanted love, sexual gratification, children and social prestige, but life blasted all her hopes. Her husband didn't love her. He refused even to eat with her and forced her to serve his meals in his room upstairs. She had no children, no social standing. She went insane; and, in her imagination, she divorced her husband and resumed her maiden name. She now believes she has married into English aristocracy, and she insists on being called Lady Smith.

“And as for children, she imagines now that she has had a new child every night. Each time I call on her she says:‘Doctor, I had a baby last night.’”

Life once wrecked all her dream ships on the sharp rocks of reality; but in the sunny, fantasy isles of insanity, all her barkentines race into port with canvas billowing and winds singing through the masts.

Tragic? Oh, I don't know. Her physician said to me:“If I could stretch out my hand and restore her sanity, I wouldn't do it. She's much happier as she is.”

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

One of the first people in American business to be paid a salary of over a million dollars a year (when there was no income tax and a person earning fifty dollars a week was considered well off ) was Charles Schwab. He had been picked by Andrew Carnegie to become the first president of the newly formed United States Steel Company in 1921, when Schwab was only thirty-eight years old. (Schwab later left U. S. Steel to take over the then-troubled Bethlehem Steel Company, and he rebuilt it into one of the most profitable companies in America. )

Why did Andrew Carnegie pay a million dollars a year, or more than three thousand dollars a day, to Charles Schwab? Why? Because Schwab was a genius? No. Because he knew more about the manufacture of steel than other people? Nonsense. Charles Schwab told me himself that he had many men working for him who knew more about the manufacture of steel than he did.

Schwab says that he was paid this salary largely because of his ability to deal with people. I asked him how he did it. Here is his secret set down in his own words—words that ought to be cast in eternal bronze and hung in every home and school, every shop and office in the land—words that children ought to memorize instead of wasting their time memorizing the conjugation of Latin verbs or the amount of the annual rainfall in Brazil— words that will all but transform your life and mine if we will only live them:

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,”said Schwab,“the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.

“There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

That is what Schwab did. But what do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don't like a thing, they bawl out their subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing. As the old couple says:“Once I did bad and that I heard ever. Twice I did good, but that I heard never.”

“In my wide association in life, meeting with many and great people in various parts of the world,”Schwab declared,“I have yet to find the person, however great or exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than he would ever do under a spirit of criticism.”

That he said, frankly, was one of the outstanding reasons for the phenomenal success of Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as privately.

Carnegie wanted to praise his assistants even on his tombstone. He wrote an epitaph for himself which read:“Here lies one who knew how to get around him men who were cleverer than himself.”

Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D. Rockefeller's success in handling men. For example, when one of his partners, Edward T. Bedford, lost a million dollars for the firm by a bad buy in South America, John D. might have criticized; but he knew Bedford had done his best—and the incident was closed. So Rockefeller found something to praise; he congratulated Bedford because he had been able to save 60 percent of the money he had invested.“That's splendid,”said Rockefeller.“We don't always do as well as that upstairs.”

I have among my clippings a story that I know never happened, but it illustrates a truth, so I'll repeat it:

According to this silly story, a farm woman, at the end of a heavy day's work, set before her menfolks a heaping pile of hay. And when they indignantly demanded whether she had gone crazy, she replied:“Why, how did I know you'd notice? I've been cooking for you men for the last twenty years and in all that time I ain't heard no word to let me know you wasn't just eating hay.”

When a study was made a few years ago on runaway wives, what do you think was discovered to be the main reason wives ran away? It was“lack of appreciation.”And I'd bet that a similar study made of runaway husbands would come out the same way. We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.

A member of one of our classes told of a request made by his wife. She and a group of other women in her church were involved in a self-improvement program. She asked her husband to help her by listing six things he believed she could do to help her become a better wife. He reported to the class:“I was surprised by such a request. Frankly, it would have been easy for me to list six things I would like to change about her—my heavens, she could have listed a thousand things she would like to change about me—but I didn't. I said to her,‘Let me think about it and give you an answer in the morning.’

“The next morning I got up very early and called the florist and had them send six red roses to my wife with a note saying:‘I can't think of six things I would like to change about you. I love you the way you are.’

“When I arrived at home that evening, who do you think greeted me at the door? That's right. My wife! She was almost in tears. Needless to say, I was extremely glad I had not criticized her as she had requested.

“The following Sunday at church, after she had reported the results of her assignment, several women with whom she had been studying came up to me and said,‘That was the most considerate thing I have ever heard.’It was then I realized the power of appreciation.”

Florenz Ziegfeld, the most spectacular producer who ever dazzled Broadway, gained his reputation by his subtle ability to“glorify the American girl.”Time after time, he took drab little creatures that no one ever looked at twice and transformed them on the stage into glamorous visions of mystery and seduction. Knowing the value of appreciation and confidence, he made women feel beautiful by the sheer power of his gallantry and consideration. He was practical: he raised the salary of chorus girls from thirty dollars week to as high as one hundred and seventy-five. And he was also chivalrous; on opening night at the Follies, he sent telegrams to the stars in the cast, and he deluged every chorus girl in the show with American Beauty roses.

I once succumbed to the fad of fasting and went for six days and nights without eating. It wasn't difficult. I was less hungry at the end of the sixth day than I was at the end of the second. Yet I know, as you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.

When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said,“There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.”

We nourish the bodies of our children and friends and employees, but how seldom do we nourish their self-esteem? We provide them with roast beef and potatoes to build energy, but we neglect to give them kind words of appreciation that would sing in their memories for years like the music of the morning stars.

Paul Harvey, in one of his radio broadcasts,“The Rest of the Story,”told how showing sincere appreciation can change a person's life. He reported that years ago a teacher in Detroit asked Stevie Morris to help her find a mouse that was lost in the classroom. You see, she appreciated fact that nature had given Stevie something no one else in the room had. Nature had given Stevie a remarkable pair of ears to compensate for his blind eyes. But this was really the first time Stevie had been shown appreciation for those talented ears. Now, years later, he says that this act of appreciation was the beginning of a new life. You see, from that time on he developed his gift of hearing and went on to become, under the stage name of Stevie Wonder, one of the great pop singers and songwriters of the seventies.(1)

Some readers are saying right now as they read these lines:“Oh, phooey! Flattery! Bear oil! I've tried that stuff. It doesn't work—not with intelligent people.”

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True, some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will swallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.

Even Queen Victoria was susceptible to flattery. Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli confessed that he put it on thick in dealing with the Queen. To use his exact words, he said he“spread it on with a trowel.”But Disraeli was one of the most polished, deft and adroit men who ever ruled the far-flung British Empire. He was a genius in his line. What would work for him wouldn't necessarily work for you and me. In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

I recently saw a bust of Mexican hero General Alvaro Obregon in the Chapultepec palace in Mexico City. Below the bust are carved these wise words from General Obregon's philosophy:“Don't be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”

No! No! No! I am not suggesting flattery! Far from it. I'm talking about a new way of life. Let me repeat. I am talking about a new way of life.

King George V had a set of six maxims displayed on the walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One of these maxims said:“Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise.”That's all flattery is—cheap praise. I once read a definition of flattery that may beworth repeating:“Flattery is telling the other person precisely what he thinks about himself.”

“Use what language you will,”said Ralph Waldo Emerson,“you can never say anything but what you are.”

If all we had to do was flatter, everybody would catch on and we should all be experts in human relations.

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person's good points, we won't have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.

One of the most neglected virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. Somehow, we neglect to praise our son or daughter when he or she brings home a good report card, and we fail to encourage our children when they first succeed in baking a cake or building a birdhouse. Nothing pleases children more than this kind of parental interest and approval.

The next time you enjoy filet mignon at the club, send word to the chef that it was excellently prepared, and when a tired salesperson shows you unusual courtesy, please mention it.

Every minister, lecturer and public speaker knows the discouragement of pouring himself or herself out to an audience and not receiving a single ripple of appreciative comment. What applies to professionals applies doubly to workers in offices, shops and factories and our families and friends. In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy.

Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit.

Pamela Dunham of New Fairfield, Connecticut, had among her responsibilities on her job the supervision of a janitor who was doing a very poor job. The other employees would jeer at him and litter the hallways to show him what a bad job he was doing. It was so bad, productive time was being lost in the shop.

Without success, Pam tried various ways to motivate this person. She noticed that occasionally he did a particularly good piece of work. She made a point to praise him for it in front of the other people. Each day the job he did all around got better, and pretty soon he started doing all his work efficiently. Now he does an excellent job and other people give him appreciation and recognition. Honest appreciation got results where criticism and ridicule failed.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for. There is an old saying that I have cut out and pasted on my mirror where I cannot help but see it every day:

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

Emerson said:“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

If that was true of Emerson, isn't it likely to be a thousand times more true of you and me? Let's cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let's try to figure out the other person's good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be“hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,”and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime—repeat them years after you have forgotten them.

GIVE HONEST AND SINCERE APPRECIATION.

————————————————————

(1) Paul Aurandt, Paul Harvey's The Rest of the Story (New York: Doubleday, 1977). Edited and compiled by Lynne Harvey. Copyright by Paulynne, Inc.

第九章 与人交往的最大秘密

天底下只有一种让别人做事的方法。你是否停下来想过这个问题?是的,只有一种。那就是让对方愿意做这件事。

记住,再没有其他的方式。

当然,你可以用枪口顶着对方的脑袋,让他给你手表。你也可以用威胁开除员工的方式使他为你的企业努力工作。你可以用打骂的方式让小孩做你想让他做的事。然而这些原始的方式都有极度不利的后果。

我能让你做任何事的唯一方式就是给你你想要的。

你想要什么?

西格蒙德·弗洛伊德说过,每个人做事只有两个动机:性冲动和渴望卓越。

美国影响最深远的哲学家之一约翰·杜威却有不同的观点。他说人性最根本的需求是“对重要感的追求”。请记住这几个字:“对重要感的追求”。这很重要。你在此书中会多次听到这些字。

你想要什么?好像不多,但你对少数几样东西的渴望是势不可挡的。大多数人渴望的东西包括:

1.健康长寿

2.食物

3.睡眠

4.金钱以及金钱可以买到的东西

5.永生

6.性满足

7.子孙的幸福

8.重要感

这几乎都能被满足,除了一个。但是还有一种渴求——几乎和对食物与睡眠的渴求一样深切与急迫——却很少被满足。那就是弗洛伊德所说的“渴望卓越”,即约翰·杜威所说的“对重要感的追求”。

林肯曾在一封信的开头写道:“每个人都喜欢被称赞。”威廉·詹姆士说过:“人性最基本的规律便是对称赞的渴求。”注意,他并没有说对称赞的需要或欲望,而是说对它的“渴求”。

这就是令人苦恼却又不懈追求的人性欲望,而有能力真正满足这种心之所向的少数人便是把他人掌握在股掌中了。但“即便是这些操纵者,在临死前也会有遗憾”。

“对重要感的追求”是人和动物的区别之一。比如说:当我还是密苏里农场里的小男孩时,我爸爸养殖着品种优良的杜洛克大红猪和纯种白面牛。我们还会到中西部的乡村展览和牲口秀上展示我们的猪和牛,并得了好几次第一名。我爸爸把他的所有蓝缎荣誉钉在一块白布上,亲朋好友来访时,他会拿出长长的白布给他们看。每次展示蓝缎时,他都拿着白布的一端,而我拿着另一端。

那些猪不在意它们赢得的荣誉,但是爸爸在意。这些奖章给了他重要感。

如果我们的祖先没有这种对重要感的热切渴望,人类文明便不会诞生。没有文明,我们和动物之间也就没多大差别了。

这种对重要感的渴望让狄更斯写下了不朽的篇章;这种渴望使克里斯多夫·雷恩爵士砌出了石头的交响曲;这种渴望令洛克菲勒积攒了他一辈子也花不完的千百万美金。而这种渴望也让你的城镇里最富裕的家庭建起了超出实际需要的大房子。

这种渴望支配着你——你想要穿最流行的衣服,开最新款的车,并不厌其烦地夸赞你那聪明的孩子。

这种渴望也引诱了很多少男少女加入帮派,从事犯罪活动。据纽约市前公安局局长所说,一般的年轻犯罪分子都有很强的自我意识,被关押后的第一个要求便是让那些不靠谱的小报把他们报道成大英雄。令人不悦的监禁生活对他们来讲并不要紧,只要他们能心满意足地看着自己的头像和体育明星、影视明星以及政治家出现在同一个版面上。

如果你能告诉我你是如何获取重要感的,我就能告诉你你是怎样的人。这决定了你的人格,是关于你的最重要的信息。比如,约翰·D.洛克菲勒获取重要感的方式是通过捐钱为中国北京建立一座现代医院,照料成千上万他不曾见到也不会见到的穷苦人。相反的,迪林杰通过做一名土匪、强盗和杀手而得到重要感。当联邦调查局特工追捕他时,他闯入明尼苏达的一个农家并宣布:“我是迪林杰!”他对于自己是国民头号公敌而感到骄傲。“我不会伤害你,不过我是迪林杰!”他这样说道。

没错,洛克菲勒和迪林杰的首要区别便是他们获取重要感的方式。

历史上名人努力获取重要感的闪光例子数不胜数。就连乔治·华盛顿都让别人称自己为“至高无上的美国总统”。哥伦布为自己争取了头衔:“海军上将、印度总督”;凯萨琳女皇拒绝拆阅任何没有注明“女王陛下”敬语的信件;而林肯夫人和格兰特夫人翻脸时像母老虎一样吼叫道:“没有我的邀请你怎敢坐在我的眼前!”

1928年,我们的百万富翁们资助了海军上将伯德的南极探险,而条件是要以他们的名字命名冰山。维克多·雨果渴望巴黎以自己的名字重新命名,以表达对他的敬意。就连莎士比亚——至高无上的代表,都希望为自己的家庭赢得一枚盾徽从而为自己的名字增辉。

有时人们还会用无能来获取同情和关注,从而得到重要感。比如说麦金莱夫人就是以此种方式获得重要感的。她强迫她的丈夫——一位美国总统——抛下国家大事,陪她在床上一躺就是几个小时,抱着她、哄她入睡。她拔牙时都需要丈夫陪伴左右从而获取重要感,当丈夫因赶赴与国务卿约翰·海伊的会议离开时,她便公然大吵大闹。

作家玛丽·罗伯特·莱因哈特曾经给我讲过一位聪明、强壮的年轻女人是如何为了获取重要感而失去行动能力的故事。莱因哈特夫人说:“有一天,这个女人被迫面对了一些事实,或许是她的年龄。她发现前方是漫长的孤独岁月,也对一切失去了期待。

“她躺到床上,卧床不起。而在之后的十年里,她的母亲要往返于三层楼间,端着盘子照顾她。然后有一天这位老母亲累倒了,很快便与世长辞。接下来的几周内,这个‘病人’越来越憔悴,直到有一天,她站起身来,穿上衣服,重新开始生活。”

一些权威人士说,如果一个人对重要感的渴望在残忍的现实中无法被满足,那么他有可能会疯掉,从而在疯狂的世界里找到满足。在美国,精神病患者比其他所有疾病患者的总和还要多。

精神病是什么导致的?

没有人能回答这么大的问题,但是我们知道有些疾病,例如梅毒,会毁坏脑细胞,导致精神病。实际上,一半的精神病是由物理伤害引起的,比如脑损伤、酒精中毒以及其他外伤。然而另一半精神病患者的脑细胞并没有生理病变——这才是更令人震惊的现象。检验时,他们的脑细胞经过高倍显微镜的观察,并没有显示出有何异常。

这些人又是怎么患上精神病的呢?

我向最著名的精神病院主治医师询问过这个问题。这位医生曾经在专业领域获得过最高荣誉和令人仰慕的殊荣,而他坦白地告诉我,他也不知道人们为何会疯掉。没人能准确地知道。但他也说到,很多人在疯癫的世界里找到了从前在现实世界中不曾拥有的重要感。然后他给我讲了下面的这个故事:

“我现在有一位患者,她的婚姻已被证明是个悲剧。她希望得到爱、性满足、小孩和社会名望,然而生活浇灭了她所有的希望。她的丈夫不爱她,甚至拒绝和她一起用餐,并强迫她把饭端到楼上他自己的屋子里。她没有孩子,没有社会地位。她疯了,而在她的幻想中,她和丈夫离婚了,重新使用婚前的名字。她现在认为自己嫁给了英国贵族,并坚持让别人叫她史密斯夫人。

“说到孩子,她现在每晚都认为自己刚生了一个孩子。每次我看望她时她都会对我说:‘医生,我昨晚刚生下一个婴儿。’”

生活曾经把她的梦想之船撞毁在现实的锋利礁石上,但在充满阳光和幻觉的疯癫之岛上,她所有的船都扬帆驶入港口——风儿在帆间歌唱。

听起来很可悲吗?哦,这我不知道。她的医生告诉我:“即使我伸出手就能治好她的病我也不会那样做。现在的她开心多了。”

既然人们如此渴望重要感,甚至愿意在精神病的世界里获取它,想象一下如果我们在正常的世界里给予他人真诚的感恩,那么又将发生怎样的奇迹呢?

美国第一个挣到超过一百万美金年薪的人是查尔斯·施瓦布(那时还没有施行个人所得税,人均一周五十美金已经算是不错的了)。1921年,他被安德鲁·卡耐基任命为新成立的美国钢铁公司的第一任总裁。后来,施瓦布离开了美国钢铁公司,接管了当时问题重重的伯利恒钢铁公司,并使它摇身成为美国最赚钱的公司之一。

为什么安德鲁·卡耐基会付给施瓦布每年一百万美元,或者说每天超过三千美元的薪水?这是为什么呢?因为施瓦布是天才吗?不是。因为他的钢铁业知识比别人过硬?也不是。查尔斯·施瓦布亲口对我说,他手下的很多人对钢铁业的了解比他多得多。

施瓦布说他能得到这样的薪水很大程度上是因为他懂得如何与人交往。我问他是如何做到的。下面是他表述的秘诀,这些话真应该被刻在不朽的铜牌上,挂在陆地上的每个人家、每间学校、每个店铺和每间办公室中。学生们与其花时间背拉丁文的动词形式转换或是巴西的年降雨量,不如熟记下面一段话。这些话会改变你我的生活,如果我们愿意付诸行动。

施瓦布说:“我认为我能激发人们的热情,这种能力是我最宝贵的财富。而激励他人做到最好的方式就是感谢与鼓励。

“没什么比上级的批评更能摧毁一个人的斗志了,我从不批评任何人,我相信给人树立工作动机的重要性。所以我愿意表扬,不愿批评。如果我喜欢一件事,那我会衷心地赞美,并毫不保留赞美之辞。”

这就是施瓦布的做法。而普通人是怎么做的呢?恰恰相反。如果他们不喜欢一件事,他们会痛骂下属;如果他们喜欢一件事,他们却闷不作声。就如一句老话所述:“坏事做一次,听一生;好事做两次,从未闻。”

施瓦布说:“在我与各式各样的人打交道、会见全世界最了不起的人后,还没有遇到一个在批评声中比在赞许声中更加卖力做事的人——不论他多伟大、多尊贵。”

他坦言,这就是安德鲁·卡耐基获得非凡成就的一大显著原因。无论在公开和私下场合,卡耐基都会赞美他的同事。

甚至在自己的墓碑上,卡耐基都不忘赞美同事。他为自己写的墓志铭是这样的:“躺在这里的是一个懂得如何与更聪明的人相处的人。”

真诚的感激也是老洛克菲勒成功与人交往的秘诀。举个例子来说吧,当他的一个合作伙伴爱德华·T.贝德福德轻信了一个南美坏人,使公司亏损了一百万时,洛克菲勒本可以批评他,但他知道贝德福德已经尽力了,且事态已经无法扭转。但是洛克菲勒找到了可以表扬的地方,他恭喜贝德福德挽救了60%的资金。洛克菲勒说:“这太棒了。我们上层管理者有时都做不到这么好。”

我的日记本中还有一个我知道是虚构的故事,但它反映了真理,所以让我把它讲出来吧。

这个荒唐的小故事是这样的:一个农妇在一天辛劳工作后,摆了一堆干草在男人们面前。当他们愤怒地问妇人是不是疯了的时候,她回答:“为什么?我怎么知道你们会注意到?我为你们这些人做了二十年的饭,也没人告诉我吃的不是草。”

几年前,有一项关于妻子离家出走的原因的调查。你认为她们这样做最主要的原因是什么?没错,是“不被感激”。我相信调查离家的男人也会显示同样的结果。我们往往觉得另一半的付出是理所当然的,以至于从未让对方知道我们的感激。

我们训练班上的一个人讲过他妻子提出的一个要求。他的妻子和在教堂结识的一组女友加入了一个自我提高的项目,她让丈夫帮助她列出六个需要改进的地方,以成为更完美的妻子。他对班上的人说:“我为这一要求感到吃惊。老实说,列出六个她能改进的地方很容易。天啊,她能列出一千条我需要改变的地方。但是我没有这样做。我对她说:‘让我仔细想想,明早给你答案。’

“第二天早晨,我很早起床并让花店寄来六朵玫瑰,还附上一段留言:我想不出你需要改进的六个地方。我就爱原本的你。

“猜猜那天晚上回家时谁在门口等我?没错,是我老婆!她几乎热泪盈眶。不用说,我很高兴没有按照她的指示提出改进意见。

“之后的那个周日当她在小组中公布了她的任务结果时,小组中的好几个女人过来跟我说:‘这是我听过的最体贴的事。’就是在那时我意识到了赞美的重要性。”

百老汇最耀眼的制作人弗洛伦茨·齐格菲尔德以具有“把美国女孩变得光彩夺目”的神奇能力而著称,他一次又一次地把毫不起眼的蓬头垢面的小丫头们转变为舞台上充满神秘感与诱惑的夺目风景。他深知赞美与自信的价值,他用他那绅士风度与纯粹的关怀使女孩们觉得自己很美。他的做法很实际,他把歌舞团女孩的薪水从每周30美金提高到最高175美金。他还很懂礼节,在富丽秀的首演之夜,他送了美国美人玫瑰给歌舞团的每个女孩。

有一次我无法抵抗潮流,也尝试斋戒,持续了六天六夜没吃饭。这并不难。到了第六天晚上,我的饥饿感还没有第二天晚上强烈。但你我都知道,如果你让家人或雇员六天不吃饭,那就像是犯罪一样;可是人们会六天、六周甚至六十年不给予他人衷心的赞美,而人们对赞美的渴求并不亚于对食物的渴求。

那个时代的当红演员,饰演了《重聚维也纳》中男主角的阿尔弗雷德·朗特,他说:“我最需要的莫过于自尊的滋养了。”

我们照顾着孩子、朋友和职员的身体,但对他们自尊的关怀又有多少?我们提供烤牛肉和土豆来为他们补充体力,却忘记了给予赞美的话语,而正是这些话语,会像晨星的音乐一样在他们的记忆中长久歌唱。

保罗·哈维在他的一栏广播节目《故事的结局》中说过,表达衷心的赞美能改变人的一生。他在广播中讲述了这样一件事,一年前底特律州的一名老师让史蒂夫·莫里斯帮她找教室里丢失的老鼠,而史蒂夫是个失明的孩子。你看,她欣赏自然赋予史蒂夫的独特能力。自然为了弥补史蒂夫失明的眼睛而使他的听觉变得格外发达,但这是第一次史蒂夫的超能听觉被赏识。多年后的史蒂夫说道,那个赏识之举是他全新生活的开始。从那时起,他不断开发自己的听觉天赋,后来成了70年代伟大的流行歌曲作者和演唱家之一,他的艺名是史提夫·汪达(1)。

我想,一些读者读到这里会不禁说道:“哦,去他的吧!谄媚!奉承!这些我都试过了。对聪明人来说根本不起作用。”

当然,对于有辨识能力的人来说,谄媚很难起作用。它肤浅、自私,也不诚恳。它不该奏效也通常不会奏效。没错,有些人对赞美是如此渴望,甚至愿意为得到赞美而做任何事,就像饥荒中的人会去吃草和鱼饵。

就连维多利亚女王都无法抵抗阿谀奉承。英国首相本杰明·迪斯雷利承认他曾大肆吹捧女王,用他自己的话说,就是“用铲子抹上去厚厚的一层恭维”。然而迪斯雷利是统治过大英帝国的首相里最有教养、最机敏、最灵活的人,他简直就是个政治天才。对他来说奏效的方式对你我来说不一定有用。从长远角度讲,谄媚带来的危害比益处多。谄媚是虚伪的,就像假钞一样,一旦使它流通,早晚会给你惹麻烦。

赞美与谄媚有什么不同呢?这很简单就能区分开来。一个是真诚的,一个是虚伪的。一个发自内心,一个出自牙缝。一个无私,一个自私。一个被所有人钦佩,一个被所有人鄙夷。

我最近在墨西哥城查普特佩克宫看到了墨西哥英雄阿尔瓦洛·奥博雷贡将军的半身像,雕像下刻有奥博雷贡将军的一句至理名言:“别畏惧攻击你的敌人,要畏惧奉承你的朋友。”

难道之前我不是在鼓吹奉承吗?不!不!不!赞美与奉承相差甚远!我讲的是一种新的生活方式。让我重复一遍——新的生活方式。

乔治五世国王在白金汉宫的墙上陈列了六条箴言,其中一条便是:“教给我不要给予和接受廉价的赞扬。”廉价的赞扬——这才是奉承的全部。我曾经读到过一条“奉承”的定义,值得复述:“奉承是准确地告诉对方他对自己的看法。”

拉尔夫·沃尔多·爱默生说:“不论运用何种语言,你说的话都能反映你是什么样的人。”

如果我们只渴求谄媚,每个人都能很快学会,那样的话我们就都成了人际关系的高手了。

当我们没有在思考具体问题时,95%的时候都是在想与自己有关的事。如果我们少想想自己,多想想对方,我们就不用进行廉价而荒谬的谄媚了。其实在你张口谄媚前对方就早已把你看穿了。

日常生活中,我们最缺乏的美德便是赞美。不知为何,当我们的子女考了好成绩回家时,我们忘了表扬他们;当他们第一次成功烤出一个蛋糕或是做出一个鸟屋时,我们忘了鼓励他们。对于孩子来说,没有什么比家长的关注和认同更能令他们欢呼雀跃的了。

下次当你在会所享受了一块菲力牛排后,请把对厨艺的赞美转达给厨师;当一个疲惫的销售员对你格外彬彬有礼时,也请做出相应的称赞。

每个官员、讲师和公共讲演者都明白,对观众掏心掏肺却没有得到一丝赞许的回应,这多么令人泄气。对于专业人士来讲已然如此,那么对办公室、商店和工厂里的工人以及我们的家人和朋友来讲则更是如此。在人际交往中,我们要永远记住,每个和我们打交道的都是人,都有对赞许的渴求。这是每个灵魂都欣然接受的通用货币。

试着在你的每日轨迹中洒满赞美的火花,你会惊讶地发现,你种下的友谊火种在你下一次路过时早已成为了玫瑰色的篝火。

康涅狄格州费尔菲尔德市的帕梅拉·邓纳姆每日工作中的一个任务就是监管一名工作做得很糟糕的清洁工。其他员工会嘲笑这个清洁工,并把垃圾撒在过道里,以表示对他工作的不满。他的情况太糟糕,以至于浪费了店里许多的工作时间。

帕梅拉试过多种方式来鼓励这名清洁工,但都以失败收场。她发现这个人有时会把一小部分工作做得非常好,于是她特意当众表扬了他。后来,他的整体工作越做越好,不久便能高效完成他所有的任务了。现在,他工作更加出色,人们也给予了他赞赏与认可。诚恳的称赞解决了批评和嘲笑所不能解决的问题。

伤害他人不但无法改变他,还永远不受欢迎。我把一句老话贴在了我的镜子上,每天都会不自觉地看到它:

这条路我只能走一次,如果我能为任何人做些有益的事,对任何人表示善意,那就让我立刻行动。不要等待也不要怠慢,因为这条路我只能走一次。

爱默生说过:“我遇到的每个人在某些方面都比我强,都是我的导师。”

如果对爱默生都是如此,那么对你和我来说,这话更是有千百倍的道理了。让我们少想想自己的成就和需求,试图多发现他人的优点。让我们忘记谄媚这件事,诚实、诚恳地给予赞美。“真心地称赞,不吝惜赞美之词”,人们便会珍视你说的话,不仅珍藏它们,并一辈子想着它——在你已然忘记的时候依然会重复着你说过的话。

请给予诚实、诚恳的赞美。

————————————————————

(1) 保罗·奥朗特,保罗·哈维的《故事的结局》(纽约:双日出版社,1977)。琳·哈维编辑并整理。Paulynne公司版权所有。

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