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双语《如何享受人生,享受工作》 第十五章 苏格拉底的秘密

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2022年06月29日

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Chapter 15 The Secret of Socrates

In talking with people, don't begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing—and keep on emphasizing—the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.

Get the other person saying“Yes, yes”at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying“No.”

A“No”response, according to Professor Overstreet,(1) is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said“No,”all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. You may later feel that the“No”was ill-advised; nevertheless, there is your precious pride to consider! Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction.

The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of“Yes”responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction. It is like the movement of a billiard ball. Propel in one direction, and it takes some force to deflect it; far more force to send it back in the opposite direction.

The psychological patterns here are quite clear. When a person says“No”and really means it, he or she is doing far more than saying a word of two letters. The entire organism—glandular, nervous, muscular—gathers itself together into a condition of rejection. There is, usually in minute but sometimes in observable degree, a physical withdrawal or readiness for withdrawal. The whole neuromuscular system, in short, sets itself on guard against acceptance. When, to the contrary, a person says“Yes,”none of the withdrawal activities takes place. The organism is in a forward— moving, accepting, open attitude. Hence the more“Yeses”we can, at the very outset, induce, the more likely we are to succeed in capturing the attention for our ultimate proposal.

It is a very simple technique—this yes response. And yet, how much it is neglected! It often seems as if people get a sense of their own importance by antagonizing others at the outset.

Get a student to say“No”at the beginning, or a customer, child, husband, or wife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience of angels to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative.

The use of this“yes, yes”technique enabled James Eberson, who was a teller in the Greenwich Savings Bank, in New York City, to secure a prospective customer who might otherwise have been lost.

“This man came in to open an account,”said Mr. Eberson,“and I gave him our usual form to fill out. Some of the questions he answered willingly, but there were others he flatly refused to answer.

“Before I began the study of human relations, I would have told this prospective depositor that if he refused to give the bank this information, we should have to refuse to accept this account. I am ashamed that I have been guilty of doing that very thing in the past. Naturally, an ultimatum like that made me feel good. I had shown who was boss, that the bank's rules and regulations couldn't be flouted. But that sort of attitude certainly didn't give a feeling of welcome and importance to the man who had walked in to give us his patronage.

“I resolved this morning to use a little horse sense. I resolved not to talk about what the bank wanted but about what the customer wanted. And above all else, I was determined to get him saying‘yes, yes’from the very start. So I agreed with him. I told him the information he refused to give was not absolutely necessary.

“‘However,’I said,‘suppose you have money in this bank at your death. Wouldn't you like to have the bank transfer it to your next of kin, who is entitled to it according to law?’

“‘Yes, of course,’he replied.

“‘Don't you think,’I continued,‘that it would be a good idea to give us the name of your next of kin so that, in the event of your death, we could carry out your wishes without error or delay?’

“Again he said,‘Yes.’

“The young man's attitude softened and changed when he realized that we weren't asking for this information for our sake but for his sake. Before leaving the bank, this young man not only gave me complete information about himself but he opened, at my suggestion, a trust account, naming his mother as the beneficiary for his account, and he had gladly answered all the questions concerning his mother also.

“I found that by getting him to say‘yes, yes’from the outset, he forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the things I suggested.”

Joseph Allison, a sales representative for Westinghouse Electric Company, had this story to tell:“There was a man in my territory that our company was most eager to sell to. My predecessor had called on him for ten years without selling anything. When I took over the territory, I called steadily for three years without getting an order. Finally, after thirteen years of calls and sales talk, we sold him a few motors. If these proved to be all right, an order for several hundred more would follow. Such was my expectation.

“Right? I knew they would be all right. So when I called three weeks later, I was in high spirits.

“The chief engineer greeted me with this shocking announcement:‘Allison, I can't buy the remainder of the motors from you.’

“‘Why?’I asked in amazement.‘Why?’

“‘Because your motors are too hot. I can't put my hand on them.’

“I knew it wouldn't do any good to argue. I had tried that sort of thing too long. So I thought of getting the‘yes, yes’response.“‘Well, now look, Mr. Smith,’I said.‘I agree with you a hundred percent; if those motors are running too hot, you ought not to buy any more of them. You must have motors that won't run any hotter than standards set by the National Electrical Manufacturers Association. Isn't that so?’

“He agreed it was. I had gotten my first‘yes.’

“‘The Electrical Manufacturers Association regulations say that a properly designed motor may have a temperature of 72 degrees Fahrenheit above room temperature. Is that correct?’

“‘yes,’he agreed.‘That's quite correct. But your motors are much hotter.’

“I didn't argue with him. I merely asked:‘How hot is the mill room?’

“‘Oh,’he said,‘about 75 degrees Fahrenheit.’

“‘Well,’I replied,‘if the mill room is 75 degrees and you add 72 to that, that makes a total of 147 degrees Fahrenheit. Wouldn't you scald your hand if you held it under a spigot of hot water at a temperature of 147 degrees Fahrenheit?’

“Again he had to say‘yes’.

“‘Well,’I suggested,‘wouldn't it be a good idea to keep your hands off those motors?

“‘Well, I guess you're right,’he admitted. We continued to chat for a while. Then he called his secretary and lined up approximately $35,000 worth of business for the ensuing month.

“It took me years and cost me countless thousands of dollars in lost business before I finally learned that it doesn't pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other person's viewpoint and try to get that person saying‘yes, yes.’”

Eddie Snow, who sponsors our courses in Oakland, California, tells how he became a good customer of a shop because the proprietor got him to say“yes, yes.”Eddie had become interested in bow hunting and had spent considerable money in purchasing equipment and supplies from a local bow store. When his brother was visiting him he wanted to rent a bow for him from this store. The sales clerk told him they didn't rent bows, so Eddie phoned another bow store. Eddie described what happened:

“A very pleasant gentleman answered the phone. His response to my question for a rental was completely different from the other place. He said he was sorry but they no longer rented bows because they couldn't afford to do so. He then asked me if I had rented before. I replied,‘Yes, several years ago.’He reminded me that I probably paid $25 to $30 for the rental. I said‘yes’again. He then asked if I was the kind of person who liked to save money. Naturally, I answered‘yes.’He went on to explain that they had bow sets with all the necessary equipment on sale for $34.95. I could buy a complete set for only $4.95 more than I could rent one. He explained that is why they had discontinued renting them. Did I think that was reasonable? My‘yes’response led to a purchase of the set, and when I picked it up I purchased several more items at this shop and have since become a regular customer.”

Socrates,“the gadfly of Athens,”was one of the greatest philosophers the world has ever known. He did something that only a handful of men in all history have been able to do: he sharply changed the whole course of human thought; and now, twenty-four centuries after his death, he is honored as one of the wisest persuaders who ever influenced this wrangling world.

His method? Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not Socrates. He was far too adroit for that. His whole technique, now called the“Socratic method,”was based upon getting a“yes, yes”response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept on winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.

The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong, let's remember old Socrates and ask a gentle question—a question that will get the“yes, yes”response.

The Chinese have a proverb pregnant with the ageold wisdom of the Orient:“He who treads softly goes far.”

They have spent five thousand years studying human nature, those cultured Chinese, and they have garnered a lot of perspicacity:“He who treads softly goes far.”

GET THE OTHER PERSON SAYING“YES, YES”IMMEDIATELY.

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(1) Harry A. Overstreet, Influencing Human Behavior New York: Norton. 1925.

第十五章 苏格拉底的秘密

和别人对话时,不要一开始就讨论存在异议的事。要先从双方意见一致的事开始讨论,别忘了不停地强调你们的共同点。如果可以的话,要一直强调你们的最终目标是一样的,唯一的不同只是达成目标的方式。

让对方从一开始就对你说“没错”而不是“不对”。

哈里·奥沃思特利特教授说:“一个否定的回应是最难逾越的障碍。当你说了‘不’以后,你的自尊心会要求你始终保持一致。或许后来你会发现不该说‘不’,但是你会顾虑到宝贵的自尊心!说了一句话以后,你就会想要贯彻到底。因此,在肯定中开始是至关重要的。”(1)

游刃有余的交谈者从一开始就会得到好几个“是”的回应,这便把听者带入了一系列肯定式的心理过程中。这就像台球一样,当你把球推向一个方向时,若想使球旋转则要多发些力,若想使球往反方向反弹则需要大很多的力气。

这里的心理规律很显著。当对方认真地说“不”时,他说的远远不止这一个字。这时,他的腺体、神经和肌肉都进入了反对的状态。通常会有微小的,但有时也很明显的身体上的退缩或准备退缩的状态。简而言之,整个肌肉神经系统都进入了自我保护机制,拒绝接受任何事情。然而当人们说“是”时,这些退缩活动都不会出现,整个机制是积极向前的、接纳和开放的状态。因此,如果我们一开始得到的肯定回应越多,就越有可能成功推广我们的提议。

让人们给予肯定的回应其实只是一个很简单的技巧,然而人们却往往忽视了它!人们仿佛总是一开始就用与他人对抗的方式为自己寻找重要感。

如果学生、顾客、孩子、丈夫或妻子从一开始就说了“不”,那么我们便需要天使的智慧与耐心才能把这布满荆棘的反对意见转化成肯定。

纽约市格林威治储蓄银行的出纳詹姆斯·艾伯森正是运用了“让他人说是”这个方法挽回了差点流失的一位客户。

艾伯森先生说:“一个人来开户,我递给他一份常规的申请表。他欣然回答了几个问题,对表格上的其他问题却拒绝回答。

“在学习这堂人际关系课之前,我会这样告诉他,如果他拒绝向银行提供信息,我们一定会拒绝他的申请。我对自己以往的行为感到愧疚,能够给人下最终审判自然是有快感的事。我强调了我们的制度,而且银行也不能乱了规矩。但是那样的态度肯定不会让来存钱的客户觉得受欢迎、受重视。

“今天早晨我决定运用常识,一开始先不说银行的需要,而是要询问客户的需求。最重要的是,我希望从一开始就把他带入说‘是’的状态。所以我同意了他的做法,告诉他他拒绝提供的信息并不是必需的。”

“我又对他说:‘但是假设您去世时账户里还有钱,难道您不希望银行能依法帮您把它转到您所授权的最亲近的人那里吗?’

“‘当然希望啦。’他回答。

“我又继续问道:‘那么,难道您不愿意提供这个人的姓名,好让我们在意外情况发生时能顺利把钱转给此人吗?’

“他再次回答了:‘当然愿意呀。’

“这位年轻人的态度逐渐平和下来了,当他意识到银行要求填写的信息并非是出于银行的利益时,他的观点发生了变化。这位年轻人离开银行时,不但给了我他的全部信息,还在我的建议下开了一个信托账号,指定他的母亲为受益人,也填写了有关他母亲的一切资料。

“我发现如果一开始就引领他进入肯定的思维模式中,这样他便会忘了之前为何要坚持以及在坚持什么,并愉快地做了一切我建议他做的事。”

西屋电气公司的一名销售代表约瑟夫·埃里森给我们讲了这样一个故事:“公司很希望当地的一个商人能成为他们的顾客,但我的前辈们已经向他电话推销了十年,也未能卖出去任何东西。我接管这个领域后也定期打电话向他推销,在长达三年的时间里,也毫无结果。在这十三年的电话交谈和商品推销后,我们终于成功地卖了几个发动机给他。如果这些发动机能够正常运行的话,他将会订购几百台发动机,这是我的理解。

“我知道这几个发动机不会有问题,所以当我三周后向他致电时,我是兴高采烈的。

“总工程师平静地向我们宣布了一个令人震惊的消息:‘埃里森,我们不能买更多的发动机。’

“‘为什么?’我震惊地问,‘究竟为什么?’

“‘因为你们的发动机散热不好,我都无法把手放在发动机上。’

“我知道争执无济于事,我之前曾经有过太多惨痛的教训,所以我想起了‘让对方说是’的方式。

“‘史密斯先生,你看,’我说,‘我完全同意。如果那些发动机过热你的确不该买。你肯定见过比国家电器制造商协会标准热度要低的发动机,对不对?’

“他说是的。这是我得到的第一个‘是’。

“‘国家电器制造商协会要求设计合理的发动机热度只可比室内温度高72华氏度。是不是?’

“‘没错。’他回答,‘非常正确。但是你们的发动机超过了那个温度。’

“我没有和他争执,只是问他:‘工厂里面的温度是多少?’

“‘哦,’他说,‘大概75华氏度。’

“我回应道:‘那么如果室内75华氏度,再加72度,那就是147度。如果你把手放在147度的流水下会烫伤的吧?’

“他再次给出肯定的答复。

“于是我说:‘这样的话是不是本来也不该用手去碰发动机呢?’

“‘嗯,我猜你是对的。’他承认道。我们又聊了一会儿,后来他就让秘书订了价值三万五千美金的发动机,这相当于接下来一整个月的营业额。

“浪费了多年时间,损失了上万美金后,我才懂得了争执无用的道理。用他人的立场思考问题并能让对方说‘是的’‘是的’才是最有利也是最有趣的方式。”

赞助了我们加州奥克兰培训班的艾迪·斯诺给我们讲述了他是如何因为店主懂得让他说“是”而成了店里的一名忠诚顾客的。艾迪喜欢用弓箭打猎,并花了很多钱在当地一间店铺里购置设备。当他的哥哥来看他时,他想从这家店里租一把弓,但销售人员说他们不外租,所以艾迪给另一家店打电话讲述了事情的经过:

“一位非常和蔼可亲的人接了电话,他给我的回答和另一家店完全不同。他说他很抱歉,他们停止了租弓箭的业务,因为他们负担不起了。之后他问我以前是否租过,我说:‘是的,几年前租过。’他猜测我那时应该付了25—30美金租金,我再次说‘没错’。后来他问我,我是否是喜欢省钱的人,我自然给予了肯定的回答。对方继续说道他们有一套弓箭正在促销,包含了所有必需的设备,一共34.95美金,仅需比租器材多花4.95美金就能买下这一套器材。他最后解释道,这就是他们停止出租器材的原因。我认为他的话合理吗?我的肯定回答使我买下了那一套器材。我去取货时还顺便在那家店里买了其他几样东西,后来慢慢地成了他们的常客。”

自喻为“希腊的牛虻”的苏格拉底是世上最伟大的哲学家之一。他做了有史以来只有少数人做到的事:他大大地改变了别人的思维方式。在他辞世两千四百年后的今天,他被奉为影响辩证体系的最具智慧的辩者。

他到底用了怎样的方式呢?他告诉别人“你是错的”了吗?哦,不,苏格拉底不会做如此不精明的事。他的辩证方法被称作“苏格拉底法”,而这方法就是基于让对方说“是”。他向对方提出一系列使对方不得不说“是”的问题。他在一个又一个的问题上得到肯定的答复,最后得到一箩筐的“是”。他会继续提问下去,直到最后对手在不经意间发现自己居然拥护着几分钟前还尖锐反驳的结论。

今后当我们想告诉对方“你是错的”时,让我们记住苏格拉底的做法,提一些温和的问题,能得到对方肯定答复的问题。

中国有句谚语,蕴含着东方的古老智慧:“轻履者行远。”

中国人用了五千年的时间揣摩人性、学习智者的思想,终于获得了敏锐的洞察力:“轻履者行远。”

立刻获取对方的赞同。

————————————————————

(1) 哈里·A.奥沃思特利特,《人类行为》(纽约:诺顿出版社,1925)。

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