书虫1级《都是管家惹的祸》都是管家惹的祸
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The Butler Did It
INTRODUCTION
Henry Fletcher is working in his office. He is thinking about his wife. What's she doing at the moment? Has she got a boyfriend? Perhaps she has, perhaps she hasn't. Is she with her lover now? He wants to know! So he phones home. But only James, the butler, answers...
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
James, a butler
Henry Fletcher, a husband
PERFORMANCE NOTES
There are two rooms on the stage, with a wall between them. One is a dining room, where James the butler is getting the table ready for dinner. There is a telephone in the room. The other room is an office, where Henry Fletcher is working. He is sitting in front of his computer, but he isn't looking at it. He is making a phone call.
You will need two telephones and a gun.
The plumber's name, Blessiu, sounds like 'Bless you!' which is what we often say when someone sneezes.
The phone rings in the dining room. James stops work and answers it.
JAMES
Hello.
HENRY
Hello, is that James, the butler?
JAMES
Yes, sir, it is.
HENRY
James, is my wife at home?
JAMES
Yes, sir.
HENRY
Good. Can you bring her to the phone? I want to speak to her at once. Be quick!
JAMES
Very good, sir. So you want me to bring your wife to the phone. Is that right, sir?
HENRY
Yes, yes, James. Now just go and do it. (James goes off slowly. Henry speaks to himself.) My wife's got a lover, I think. But I must know! What's James doing? And where's my wife?
James comes back slowly and speaks into the phone.
JAMES
Hello, sir. James speaking.
HENRY
Hello, James. So where's my wife?
JAMES
Your wife is at home, sir, but she can't speak to you at the moment, I'm afraid.
HENRY
She can't speak to me! My wife can't speak to me! Why not?
JAMES
Well, sir, she's in the bathroom...
HENRY
In the bathroom!
JAMES
...with a man.
HENRY
(Putting a hand to his head) With a man!
JAMES
But don't worry, sir, it's only Mr Blessiu, the plumber. He's working in the bathroom.
HENRY
(Not listening, speaking to himself) She's in the bathroom with her boyfriend! I knew it! James, can you do something for me?
JAMES
Of course, sir.
HENRY
Go into my bedroom, and find the box under my bed. In that box there's a gun. Take it out, James.
JAMES
Very good, sir. You want me to go into your bedroom, find the box under your bed, and take out the gun. Is that right, sir?
HENRY
Yes, James, yes! Just go and do it.
James goes off slowly. Henry speaks to himself.
HENRY
I knew it! My wife's got a lover! But soon James is going to come back with that gun, and then...
James comes back with the gun.
JAMES
(Into the phone) Hello, sir, James here.
HENRY
Hello, James. Have you got the gun?
JAMES
Yes, sir. I went into your bedroom, found the box under your bed, and took out the gun. I have it with me now, sir.
HENRY
Right, James. Now listen carefully.
JAMES
I'm listening very carefully, sir.
Hello, sir, James here.'
HENRY
Go into the bathroom...
JAMES
Yes, sir.
HENRY
...with the gun...
JAMES
Yes, sir.
HENRY
...and shoot my wife through the head.
JAMES
Yes, sir.
HENRY
And the man in the bathroom with her, James, shoot him through the head too. (He sneezes.)
JAMES
Blessiu, sir?
HENRY
Thank you, James. Now, James, do you understand what to do?
JAMES
Yes, sir. You want me to go into the bathroom with the gun, shoot your wife through the head, and shoot the man with her through the head, too, sir. (He sneezes.)
HENRY
Bless you, James!
JAMES
That's right, sir.
HENRY
Very good, James. Well, just go and do it.
James goes off. We hear two gun shots.
HENRY
(Looking pleased and smiling to himself) Aha! Good old James! Well done!
James comes back slowly, without the gun.
JAMES
(Into the phone) Hello, sir. Did you hear the shots, sir?
Did you hear the shots, sir?'
HENRY
Yes, James, I did. Is everything all right?
JAMES
Oh yes, sir. I went into the bathroom with the gun, and I shot your wife through the head, and I shot the man with her through the head, too.
He sneezes.
HENRY
Bless you, James!
JAMES
That's right, sir.
HENRY
Right, and are the two of them dead, James?
JAMES
Oh yes, sir.
HENRY
Very good, James. Oh, and James...
JAMES
Yes, sir?
HENRY
What did you do with the gun?
JAMES
The gun, sir?
HENRY
Yes, James, the gun. What did you do with it?
JAMES
Ah, yes, sir. I put it in the swimming pool.
HENRY
The swimming pool, James?
JAMES
The swimming pool in the back garden, sir.
HENRY
(Looking afraid) But we haven't got a swimming pool in our back garden!
Nobody says anything for a moment.
JAMES
Oh, I see. Well, then, you've got the wrong number, I'm afraid, sir. Goodbye.
HENRY
Oh, I – er – Goodbye.
James goes back to his work, getting the table ready for dinner. He is smiling and singing quietly to himself.
Henry sits in his chair, with a very white face.
butler n. a man who works in another person's house, and takes special care of his employer's clothes, food and wine 管家
at once without delay 马上
I'm afraid used to politely tell someone something that may annoy, upset, or disappoint them 恐怕
plumber n. someone whose job is to repair water pipes, baths, toilets etc 管道工
carefully adv. in a way trying to avoid missing something 仔细地
shoot v. to send a bullet from a gun to hurt or kill someone 开枪
sneeze v. to suddenly send out air from your nose and mouth 打喷嚏
pleased adj. happy or satisfied 满意的，高兴的
都是管家惹的祸
内容简介
亨利·弗莱彻正在办公室上班。他正想着他妻子——她这会儿在做什么？她有没有情人？或许她有，或许她没有。她现在会不会正跟她的情人在一起？他想知道！于是他往家里打电话，可接电话的是管家詹姆斯……
剧中人物
詹姆斯，管家
亨利·弗莱彻，丈夫
场景说明
舞台上有两个房间，由一堵墙隔开。一间是饭厅，管家詹姆斯正在往餐桌上摆放餐具，为晚餐做准备。房间里有一部电话。另一个房间是办公室，亨利·弗莱彻正在里面工作。他坐在电脑前，但没有看电脑，而是在打电话。
准备两部电话和一把枪。
管道工的名字是布莱修，听起来就像“Bless you!（上帝保佑你！）”。有人打喷嚏时，我们常常说这句话。
（本剧本为荒诞题材作品）
饭厅里的电话响起来。詹姆斯停下手里的活儿去接电话。
詹姆斯：
喂。
亨利：
喂，是管家詹姆斯吗？
詹姆斯：
是的，先生，是我。
亨利：
詹姆斯，我妻子在家吗？
詹姆斯：
在，先生。
亨利：
很好。你能让她来接电话吗？我想马上跟她讲话。快点儿！
詹姆斯：
好的，先生。您是让我去请您妻子来接电话，对吗，先生？
亨利：
对，对，詹姆斯。现在就去叫她来。（詹姆斯慢条斯理地下场。亨利自言自语。）我觉得我妻子有个情人。不过我得弄清楚！詹姆斯在干什么？我妻子在哪儿呢？
詹姆斯慢条斯理地走回来，接起电话。
詹姆斯：
喂，先生。我是詹姆斯。
亨利：
喂，詹姆斯。我妻子在哪儿？
詹姆斯：
您妻子在家，先生，但是恐怕现在不能跟您讲话。
亨利：
她不能跟我讲话！我妻子不能跟我讲话！为什么不能？
詹姆斯：
呃，先生，她在卫生间……
亨利：
在卫生间！
詹姆斯：
……跟一个男人在一起。
亨利：
（以手抚头）跟一个男人在一起！
詹姆斯：
不过别担心，先生，那个人是管道工布莱修先生。他正在卫生间干活儿。
亨利：
（没听电话，自言自语）她跟她的情人在卫生间里！我就知道！詹姆斯，你能替我做件事吗？
詹姆斯：
当然，先生。
亨利：
去我的卧室，把我床下的盒子找出来。盒子里有把枪，把它拿出来，詹姆斯。
詹姆斯：
好的，先生。您要我去您的卧室，找到您床下的盒子，把里面的枪拿出来，是吗，先生？
亨利：
是的，詹姆斯，是的！现在就去拿！
詹姆斯慢条斯理地下场。亨利自言自语。
亨利：
我就知道！我妻子有了情人！不过很快詹姆斯就会拿着枪回来，然后……
詹姆斯拿着枪回来了。
詹姆斯：
（对着电话）喂，先生，我是詹姆斯。
亨利：
喂，詹姆斯，你拿到枪了吗？
詹姆斯：
拿到了，先生。我进了您的卧室，在您床下找到了那个盒子，把枪拿出来了。我现在就拿着枪呢，先生。
亨利：
好的，詹姆斯。现在听好了。
詹姆斯：
我在仔细听着呢，先生。
亨利：
去卫生间……
詹姆斯：
好的，先生。
亨利：
……带着枪……
詹姆斯：
好的，先生。
亨利：
……朝我妻子头上开一枪。
詹姆斯：
好的，先生。
亨利：
还有那个跟她一起在卫生间的人，詹姆斯，朝他头上也开一枪。（他打了个喷嚏。）
詹姆斯：
布莱修，先生？
亨利：
谢谢，詹姆斯。［译者注：亨利以为詹姆斯说的是“Bless you.（上帝保佑你。）”。］现在，詹姆斯，你明白要做什么了吗？
詹姆斯：
明白了，先生。您要我拿着枪到卫生间去，朝您妻子的头上开一枪，再朝那个跟她在一起的男人头上开一枪，先生。（他打了喷嚏。）
亨利：
上帝保佑你，詹姆斯！
詹姆斯：
是的，先生。［译者注：詹姆斯以为亨利说的是“Blessiu（布莱修）”。］
亨利：
很好，詹姆斯。好了，去干吧。
詹姆斯下。我们听到两声枪响。
亨利：
（看上去很满意，暗自笑了笑）啊哈！好样的詹姆斯！干得好！
詹姆斯慢条斯理地回来了，手里没有拿枪。
詹姆斯：
（对着电话）喂，先生。您听到枪响了吗，先生？
亨利：
听到了，詹姆斯，我听到了。一切都顺利吗？
詹姆斯：
哦，是的，先生。我拿着枪进了卫生间，朝您妻子头上开了一枪，又朝那个跟她在一起的男人头上开了一枪。
他打了个喷嚏。
亨利：
上帝保佑你，詹姆斯！
詹姆斯：
是的，先生。［译者注：詹姆斯以为亨利说的是“Blessiu（布莱修）”。］
亨利：
好的，他们俩都死了吗，詹姆斯？
詹姆斯：
哦，是的，先生。
亨利：
很好，詹姆斯。哦，对了，詹姆斯……
詹姆斯：
什么事，先生？
亨利：
你怎么处理那把枪的？
詹姆斯：
那把枪吗，先生？
亨利：
是的，詹姆斯，那把枪。你是怎么处理它的？
詹姆斯：
啊，对了，先生，我把它放到游泳池里了。
亨利：
游泳池吗，詹姆斯？
詹姆斯：
后花园里的游泳池，先生。
亨利：
（面露惧色）可是我们后花园里没有游泳池啊！
两人沉默了片刻。
詹姆斯：
哦，我明白了。好吧，那么恐怕您打错电话了，先生。再见。
亨利：
哦，我——呃——再见。
詹姆斯继续干活儿，往餐桌上摆放餐具。他面露微笑，轻轻哼着歌。亨利则坐在椅子上，面色惨白。
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