老友记第三季The One With The Giant Poking Device

The One With The Giant Poking Device

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe, Chandler, and Ross are there, Rachel is serving brownies.]

Rachel: Here you go Pheebs. Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?

Chandler: I will have one. (Ross and him both take one.)

(Phoebe takes a bite and spits it out and screams.)

Chandler: Okay, I抦 not gonna have one.

Ross: Neither will I. (they both put back the brownies.)

Phoebe: No, no, it抯 just my tooth.

Chandler: All right I抣l have one. (he and Ross take another brownie,)

Ross: So what抯 a matter, you need a dentist? I抳e got a good one.

Phoebe: No thanks, I have a good one too. I just, I, I can抰 see him.

Chandler: See that is the problem with invisible dentists.

Ross: Why? Why can抰 you go to him?

Phoebe: Because, every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.

Chandler: That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist抯 blouse.

Rachel: Phoebe, what? Umm...what?!

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah, first there was my aunt Mary, and then there was umm, John, my mailman, and then my, my cowboy friend 慉lbino Bob?

Rachel: And all these people actually died?

Phoebe: Yes, while I was in the chair! That抯 why I take such good care of my teeth now, y'know, it抯 not about oral hygiene, I floss to save lives!

Ross: Pheebs, come on, you didn抰 kill anybody, these people just happened to die when you went to the dentist. It抯, it抯, it抯 just ah, a coincidence.

Phoebe: Well tell that to them. Oh! You can抰, their dead.


OPENING CREDITS


[Scene: Central Perk, Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe are there.]

Ross: Thanks, Gunther. (takes the plate Gunther serves him and Rachel comes up and kisses him) (to Rachel) Hey! (to Gunther) Umm, can I get a napkin too?

Gunther: Oh, like you don抰 already have everything.

Phoebe: (trying to bite into an apple) Ow! Ow! (drops the apple in disgust.)

Rachel: Phoebe, your in pain, would you just go to the dentist, just go.

Phoebe: All right, fine, fine, but if you抮e my next victim, don抰 come back as a poltergeist and like suck me into the TV set.

Rachel: I promise.

Phoebe: Although, don抰 feel like you can抰 visit.

Joey: (entering with Monica) Hey, is, is, is Chandler here?

Ross: (patting his clothes like he is looking for his wallet) No, no he抯 not.

Monica: You guys, Joey just saw Janice kissing her ex-husband.

Ross: What? (to Joey) So what are you going to do? I mean how, how are you going to tell Chandler?

Joey: Well, I was thinking about that and I, I think the best way would be, to not.

Rachel: Joey, you can抰 keep this to yourself, if you know about this, you have to tell him.

Joey: It抣l kill him. I mean it抣l, it抣l just kill him.

Phoebe: Well, you could wait 憈il I go to the dentist, maybe I抣l kill him.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, All are there except for Chandler.]

Joey: (looking out the window) Ewww! Ugly Naked Guy is using his new hammock. It抯 like a Play-Doo Fat Factory.

Phoebe: Well, I抦 going to the dentist, so listen, okay, just be on the look out for anything that, that, that you can fall into, or, or that can fall on you, or... All right, just look out! Okay, And um, I also just wanna, I just wanna tell you all that um...... (starts to cry and runs out)

Ross: Okay, I have a problem I have to go into work for a few hours, some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.

Joey: What did they do?

Ross: Well, they painted over the word 慡apien?for one thing, then they rearranged the figures, let抯 just leave it at that.

Monica: So, do you want me to watch Ben for you?

Ross: Yes, that抯 what I was going to ask, thank you.

Rachel: Whoa! Wait! Hello! What about me?

Ross: You? You! Want to watch Ben? (in the background Monica mouths 慏on抰 worry, I抣l be here the whole time.?to Ross.) Yes! That抎 be great, no, I just wanted to ask Monica, because I know how empty her life is. (Monica sarcastically mouths 慪eah!?and holds up her thumb.)

Joey: Hey-hey, Ross?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: I抳e got a science question.

Ross: Hmm?

Joey: If the Homo Sapiens, were in fact 慔omo-sapien? is that why there extinct?

Ross: Joey, Homo Sapiens are people.

Joey: Hey-hey, I抦 not judging.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are babysitting Ben.]

Rachel: (holding Ben) Look Benny, spoon. (moves it back and forth) Spoon. Come on! All right, y'know what I think he抯 bored.

Monica: Here. Ben, do you wanna play the airplane game, do you wanna show Rachel? Come here. (takes Ben) We抮e gonna do something fun. Okay. (throws Ben up in the air a little bit and catches him) Weee!! (moves into the living room and does it again) Weee!! (starts to walk back into the kitchen as she does it again, and hits Ben抯 head on that wooden beam across the ceiling.)

[cut to later]

Monica: (to Ben) Who抯 so brave, you抮e so brave, yes you are, you抮e so brave.

Rachel: Okay. Okay honey, he抯 fine, he抯 fine, let抯 just put him down. Come here, Ben. (sets him on the couch) See that抯 a good boy. (to Monica) How could you do that to him!! Ross trusted me, what is he going to say?!

Monica: He抯 not gonna say anything, because we抮e not gonna tell him.

Rachel: We抮e not?!

Monica: No we抮e not.

Rachel: All right, I like that.

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: So we抮e okay, we抮e okay, we抮e okay, (starts to exam Ben) aren抰 we? No, we抮e not okay, we抮e not okay, there抯 a bump, there抯 a bump.

Monica: Oh my God! Well push it in! Push it in!

Rachel: I cannot push it in!

Monica: Okay, we抮e gonna need a distraction.

Rachel: Okay, okay, okay.

Monica: I got it!

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: The second that Ross walks in that door, I want you take him back to your bedroom and do whatever it is that you do that makes him go, (high pitched) rweee!!

Rachel: Or. We could put a hat on his head.

Monica: A hat! Yes! We need a hat.

Rachel: We need a hat..

Monica: Where are we gonna find a tiny little hat?

Rachel: Oh, oh, oh, I抣l get 慠ainy Day Bear?! (runs to get him)

Monica: Because he抣l know what to do? (Rachel comes out of her room with a bear that抯 dressed in a rain suit.) Oh my God, you抮e a genius!

Rachel: Oh God, oh God, it抯 sowed on though.

Monica: Give it. Give it.

Rachel: Okay.

(Monica takes the bear, grabs his hat, and rips off his head.)

Monica and Rachel: Oh!!

Rachel: Oh, it抯 just like a bloodbath in here today.

[Scene: The street, Chandler and Joey are walking past a jewelery store.]

Chandler: Hey! Hold on a minute, hold on a second. Do you think these pearls are nice?

Joey: I抎 really prefer a mountain bike.

Chandler: Janice抯 birthday is coming up, I want to get her something speacial. Come in here with me.

Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, whoa. Do you ah, want to get her something speacial, get her flowers, get her candy, get her gum, girls love gum.

Chandler: That抯 a good idea, 慏ear Janice have a Hubba-Bubba birthday? I would like to get her something serious.

Joey: Oh, you want something serious. Y'know what you should do, you should get her one of those um, barium enemas. Those are dead serious.

Chandler: All right. Look, I抦 gonna go in here, and you don抰 buy me anything ever. (starts to go into the store)

Joey: (stopping him) No, no, you can抰, you can抰, okay, you can抰, you can抰 buy her pearls, you just can抰, you can抰, you can抰.

Chandler: Why not?!

Joey: Oh God. Uh, okay, here抯 the thing, this is the thing, okay, the thing is...

Chandler: What is the thing?

Joey: Okay. I went down to the 慚attress King?showroom and, and I saw Janice, kissing her ex-husband.

Chandler: (shocked) What?

Joey: They were in his office.

Chandler: Well she, she wouldn抰 do that, she抯 with, she抯 with me.

Joey: I抦 telling you man, I saw it.

Chandler: Yeah, well, you抮e wrong! Okay, you抮e wrong.

Joey: I抦 not wrong! I wish I was. I抦 sorry. Bet that barium enema doesn抰 sound so bad now, huh?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are dressing up Ben in the entire rain suit from Rainy Day Bear.]

Monica: It just makes more sense as an ensemble.

Rachel: Right.

Monica: Besides, it takes the focus off the hat.

Phoebe: (running through the door) No! Oh! You抮e alive! You抮e alive!

Rachel: See Pheebs, I promised you no one would die, didn抰 I?

Phoebe: Yeah, well, we抣l see about that. Can I use your phone? I just wanna call everyone I know.

Monica: Sure, we have no money, go ahead.

Phoebe: (on phone) 慔ey! You抮e not dead! Okay, see ya!?br>
Ben: Monica.

Monica: Oh my God! He just said my name! Did you hear that?

Ben: Monica bang!

Rachel: Okay, I heard that.

Monica: Did he just say 慚onica bang?

Rachel: Uh-huh.

Monica: Oh my God! He抯 gonna rat me out!

Ben: Monica bang!

Monica: Oh-ho-ho, sweetie, sweetie, you gotta stop saying that, now. It抯 no big deal, it抯 not even worth mentioning, you see we all do it all the time. See watch this, Ben, Ben, Ben. (goes over and starts hitting her head on the post) Ow, Monica bang! (does it again) Everybody bang. (repeats) Ben bang. (repeats) Rachel bang. (repeats) Bang, Rachel bang! Oh, isn抰 that fun?

Rachel: (goes over and hits her head on the post) Look at that! (repeats) Look at that! (repeats) We all do it. (repeats) Okay, I抦 stopping now.

Monica: You okay?

Rachel: Oh yeah! Y'know, if it抯 not a headboard, it抯 just not worth it.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is waiting for Janice to arrive, and is angrily fllipping through a magazine.]

Janice: (entering) How抯 my Bing-a-ling?

Chandler: Ah, I don抰 know, you tell me. Anything you ah, wanna tell me, because, if you ah, you should, if you, you would, tell me.

Janice: Why are your eyes so white?

Chandler: You tell me! Maybe, it抯 because I was just fooling with my ex! Oh no-no-no-no, no-no-no-no, that was you!!

Janice: Oh my God!!

Chandler: All right!

Janice: How did you know?

Chandler: Joey told me, he saw you two kissing.

Janice: In the park?

Chandler: No! In his office! How many kisses were there?

Janice: Just those two!

Chandler: Wh-wh-why, wh-why, why, why was there kissing!? There should be no kissing!!

Janice: Oh, I抦 sorry honey, I抦 so, so, (nasally) haaaaa! I抦 so, so sorry, I just (nasally) haaaaaa! But I, oh what happened was, I-I-I can抰 breathe. Can you get me a bag, or something?

Chandler: (giving her a bag) Here.

(Janice starts to breath into it and sucks in the reciept, and then spits it out.)

Janice: The receipt.

Chandler: I抣l take it! All right look, I gotta know. Are you finished with me? (Janice shakes her head no) Are you finished with him? (Janice shakes her head no) Do you still love him? (Janice shakes her head yes) Do you still love me? (Janice shakes her head yes) All right look, (grabs the bag) I抦 gonna need an actual answer here okay, so which is it, him or me? (his phone starts to ring)

Janice: I don抰 know.

Phoebe: (rushing in) Okay. If you抮e alive you answer your phone!


COMMERCIAL BREAK


[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey are there.]

Monica: Okay, Ben, I won抰 tell your daddy that you had ice cream for dinner, if you don抰 tell about our little bonking incident.

Rachel: Monica, number one, I don抰 think Ben understands the concept of bribery, and number two, I... (Joey starts laughing in the background) (to Joey) What?!

Joey: You said number two.

Rachel: I also said number one.

Joey: I know. (giggles harder)

Ross: (entering) Hey! Everyone.

Rachel: Hi!

Ross: How抯 my little boy?

Rachel: He抯 perfect, he抯 never been better.

Ross: (noticing the outfit he is wearing) What抎 you do, take him whaling?

Ben: Monica.

Ross: Oh my God, he just said your name, that抯 great! Good job Ben.

Ben: Monica bang!

Monica: Oh that抯 right, that抯 what I抎 sound like if I exploded.

Phoebe: Woo-Hoo! The curse is broken! I called everybody I know, and everyone is alive.

Joey: Uh.

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Ugly Naked Guy looks awfully still. (Phoebe runs to the window and gasps.)

[Cut to later, all except Chandler are staring out the window at Ugly Naked Guy.]

Phoebe: Oh my God! I killed him! I killed another one! And this curse is getting stronger too, to bring down something that big.

Rachel: Well maybe he抯 just taking a nap.

Joey: I抦 tellin?ya, he hasn抰 moved since this morning.

Monica: All right, we should call somebody.

Ross: And tell them what? The naked guy we stare at all the time isn抰 moving.

Rachel: Well, we have gotta find out if he抯 alive.

Monica: How are we gonna do that? There抯 no way.

Joey: Well, there is one way. His window抯 open, I say, we poke him.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is throwing darts, as Joey enters.]

Joey: Hey! Y'know how we ah, save all those chopsticks for no reason we get when we get Chinese food?

Chandler: Yeah.

Joey: Well, now we got a reason.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Well, we抮e fashioning a very long poking device.

Chandler: All right.

Joey: Hey uh, what抯 a matter?

Chandler: I talked to Janice.

Joey: Oh my God, is she going back to him?

Chandler: She doesn抰 know. Says she loves us both. Y'know I woke up this morning and I was in love, well I was happy. Y'know it serves me right for buying that twelve pack of condoms. And now I can抰 even return them, because she choked on the reciept!

Joey: What are you ah, what are you gonna do?

Chandler: I don抰 know, y'know. What, what, would you do?

Joey: Well, it doesn抰 matter what I would do.

Chandler: Come on, tell me.

Joey: All right, you抮e probably not gonna want to hear this but ah, if it was me, and this is just me, (Chandler gets ready to throw another dart) I would ah, I would bow out.

Chandler: What? (turns around quickly still ready to throw the dart and Joey quickly ducks and hides behind the chair) What are you, what are you talking about?

Joey: They have a kid together, y'know. They抮e like, they抮e like a family, and if, I don抰 know, there抯 chance they could make that work, I know I wouldn抰 want to be the guy who stood in the way of that. Are you okay? Do you wanna ah, come poke a nude guy?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross has just finished putting Ben to sleep, and is entering from Rachel抯 room.]

Ross: Well, he抯 finally alseep. About that ah, bump on his head?

Rachel: Are you, are you, are you sure it抯 ah, a new bump? I mean, no offense, I抳e always thought of Ben as a fairly bumpy headed child.

Ross: It抯 okay if he bumps his head, kids bump their heads all the time, y'know, it was your first time babysitting, I figured you did the best you could.

Rachel: (confidently) I did!

Ross: I know! I抦 saying you have to watch them all the time.

Rachel: I did!! I watched! I watched! I watched Monica bang his head against that thing!

Ross: Monica did it?

(Monica runs into the kitchen from the terrace.)

Ross: Monica?

Monica: Yeah.

Ross: Umm, did you notice anything wierd about Ben today?

Monica: No. Why?

Ross: Well, I was just playing with him, and y'know we were doing the alphabet song, which he used to be really good at, but suddenly he抯 leaving out 慹?and 慺.? It抯 like they just ah, I don抰 know, fell out of his head.

Monica: Really?!

Ross: Oh, and also, he抯, he抯 walkin?kind of funny, his left leg is moving a lot faster than his right leg, and he抯 in there just sort of y'know... (walks around in a circle)

Monica: Oh my God, I wrecked your baby!! (runs into the bedroom)

Rachel: I hope it抯 still funny when you抮e in hell.

Monica: (coming out of the bedroom) You jerk! You know how much I love that kid! (starts to chase Ross around the living room)

Ross: Monica bang! Monica bang! (runs into one of the posts) Ow!

Rachel: I抣l get the hat.

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Janice are there.]

Chandler: Janice, I have something I need to tell you, and I want you to let me get through it, because it抯, it抯, it抯 not gonna be easy.

Janice: Okay.

Chandler: I think you should go back with Gary. I don抰 wanna be the guy that breaks up a family, y'know when my parents split up, it was because of that guy. Whenever I would see him I was always think y'know 慪ou抮e the reason, you are the reason why their not together.?and I hated that guy. And it didn抰 matter how nice he was, or how happy he made my Dad.

Janice: Wow!

Chandler: Yeah, well. It抯 the right thing to do.

Janice: Oh! You抮e right. Oh God. But, before I can say 慻ood-bye? there抯 something I really need you to know, Chandler. The way I feel about you, it抯 like, I finally understand what Lionel Richie抯 been singing about. Y'know, I mean what we have, it抯 like movie love, you抮e my soulmate, and I can抰 believe we抮e not going to be spending the rest of our lives together.

Chandler: Then don抰 leave me!

Janice: What?

Chandler: Forget what I said, I was babbling! Pick me!

Janice: No, you were right, you were right. I mean, I-I-I抳e got to give my marriage another chance.

Chandler: No you don抰! No, no, no, I say you have to give your divorce another chance.

Janice: (standing up) I抦 sorry. (hugs him)

Chandler: Ohhh. Don抰 go.

Janice: No, I-I-I gotta go. (she starts to walk away, but Chandler doesn抰 let her go.)

Chandler: No. No! No! No!

Janice: Honey, honey, people are looking.

Chandler: I don抰 care! (turns around and to the people watching them) I don抰 care!!

Janice: Yeah, um, I抦, I抦 leaving now. (tries to get her leg out of Chandler抯 grasp, she finally does, but Chandler takes off her shoe.)

Chandler: You can抰 leave! I have your shoe!

Janice: Good-bye Chandler Bing. (walks out with one shoe)

Gunther: Rachel has those in burgendy.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey, Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are holding the giant poking device.]

Joey: All right now remember, something this big and long is going to be difficult to manuver, fortunately I have a lot of experience in that area.

Ross: Can we please focus here, a naked man抯 life hangs in the balance!

Phoebe: I抦 telling you he抯 dead. What we are about to have here is a dead fat guy on a stick.

Joey: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let抯 poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we抮e approaching the window (as he says this the camera cuts to their view of Ugly Naked Guy, so that we actually see him!) Thread the needle. Thread the needle.

(They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.)

Phoebe: He抯 alive! He抯 a-live!!!

Monica: And yet, we抮e still poking him.

Joey: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.

Ross: He does not look happy.

Rachel: Hey-hey, now he抯 showing us his poking device.

Joey: Hey, that抯 never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!


CLOSING CREDITS


[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is listening to a Lionel Richie album]

Chandler: (singing) 慖抣l hold you close in my arms. (Phoebe enters) I can抰 resist your charms. And love....?br>
Phoebe: (joining him) 慙ove....?br>
Chandler and Phoebe: 慖抣l be a fool for you. I抦 sure, you know I don抰 mind.?br>
Chandler: (high pitched) 慛o you know I don抰 mind.?br>
Chandler and Phoebe: 慪es! You mean the world the world to me. Oh..?br>
Chandler: 慖 know.?br>
Phoebe: 慖 know.?br>
Chandler: 慖抳e found.?br>
Phoebe: 慖抳e found....?br>
Chandler and Phoebe: ?..in you, my endless (Phoebe goes high pitched, Chandler goes low pitched) love.? (they both look at each other.) 慚y endless love.? (once again they don抰 match tones, and they just look at each other)

END