成长的烦恼第三季Growing Pains 312
more fun last night than any teenager should be allowed to have.
Debbie: Yea, anyway, it was the greatest party I have ever been to and you missed it!
Carol: You’re just saying it was a great party ‘cause some guy probably asked you to dance.
Debbie: Yea. Rick Levin.
Friend: Hi Carol. Hi Deb.
Debbie: I was just telling Carol what she missed last night!
Friend: Absolutely the worst party I have ever been to!
Debbie: What?
Friend: The only guy who asked me to dance the entire night was that wimp, Rick Levin.
Debbie: You don’t think he’s a fox?
Friend: The man has no self-esteem. He’ll dance with anybody.
Carol: Speaking of last night, I spent the entire evening with Bobby.
Debbie: So?
Friend: Big deal. So you were studying.
Carol: Oh, yea. Sure, ok. We were studying. Believe that.
Friend: What are you saying?
Carol: Well, I really shouldn’t say anymore.
Debbie and Friend: Carol!
Carol: Well, let’s just say that it was hard to read by the light of the dashboard of his car,
which by the way, was parked out on Old Johnson Rd.
Coach Luvok: Good morning, people. Class, I woke up this morning with a renewed interest in
the teaching profession. It came to me in my sleep. I’d planned a discussion period on the
Great Gatsby assignment. A frank, open exchange of perceptions. And then I thought, ‘Nah.’
Pop quiz!
Carol: A quiz?
Coach Luvok: Essay questions, complete answers. None of you chuckleheads gets away with
those two word answers like, ‘Gatsby’s loaded.’
Friend: Carol, quick! Tell me what the Great Gatsby’s about!
Carol: I don’t know!
Friend: Come on, Carol! You always know! You’re always prepared!
Carol: I told you, I didn’t study.
Debbie: Well, why not?
Carol: Because I was making out with Bobby!
[Next scene]
Grace: I, uh, I can’t believe this is our final session, Dr. Seaver. But I feel strong. I feel ready.
Thank you.
Jason: No, no, no, no. Thank you, Grace. You’ve worked very hard. I just guided you, offered
some observations and insights.
Grace: Well, I wouldn’t have been able to… Oh. I just realized by not coming here, I’m gonna
save a hundred dollars every week.
Jason: Well, I’m not in this primarily for the money, you know. I like helping people.
Grace: So maybe you could give me all my money back.
Jason: What’re you, crazy? Bad choice of words.
TV: Chad, touching you now is just as exciting as it was on our wedding night.
Jason: Ben, what’re you doing?
Ben: Unwinding after a hard day.
Jason: Well, unwind outside!
Ben: But, Dad!
Jason: Go!
TV: Dawn, I have to tell you. I am not Chad! I’m his twin brother! That’s right! You’ve married
the wrong man!
Mike: Hey, Dad!
Jason: Hi, son. Ben left this on.
Mike: Hey, Dad. Remember how you told me if I studied really hard and applied myself I’d get
dynamite grades?
Jason: Yea.
Mike: Well, you were so right! Look at this. A C minus.
Jason: Well, congratulations, Mike. Must feel great to finally not be the guy with the lowest
grade in class.
Mike: Well, I didn’t say that.
[Next scene]
Carol: Thank God, you’re here.
Mike: You talkin’ to me?
Carol: I need your help. I need to know how to live with being a failure.
Mike: Oh, get out of my way.
Carol: Mike, I flunked a test.
Mike: Yea, right.
Carol: My perfect record is blemished.
Mike: Blemished? Oh, no, no. You’re setting me up for some kind of zit joke, right?
Carol: No, I’m serious. I got an F.
Mike: Let me see it.
Carol: Well, I don’t have the test back yet. But all the while I was taking it, I didn’t know one
single answer.
Mike: So, we’re talking an official F here?
Carol: Yes!
Mike: I can count on this.
Carol: Oh, what am I talking to you for? This is absolutely the worst thing that could ever
happen.
Mike: Not really.
Carol: You got a better grade than I did?
Mike: Hey, don’t worry Carol. You don’t have to tell Mom and Dad you went belly up. I will.
Carol: Mike. Mom an Dad could seriously be hurt by this. They’re not young people.
Mike: Well, maybe you should’ve thought of that before you came in here spilling your guts
out to me. I mean, did you really expect me to keep such great news private? I mean, come
on, Carol! This is Mike Seaver you’re dealing with here!
[Next scene]
Maggie: Hi Benny!
Ben: Hi. She’s here!
Maggie: What’s this about?
Ben: I don’t know. Carol just said it’s worth a buck to know the instance you came in.
Carol: Mom, sit down. Dad!
Maggie: What’s this about?
Carol: Just sit.
Maggie: Can I take off my coat first?
Carol: If you hurry. Leave, Ben. This isn’t for your ears.
Ben: What about that dollar you owe me?
Carol: It’s in my wallet, hidden upstairs…
Ben: I know where it is.
Maggie: Honey, what is this?
Jason: I don’t know. What’s the big announcement you wanted to make?
Carol: You should sit. Now, you both know I love you…
Maggie: Oh my goodness!
Jason: Honey…
Maggie: I just want to know, does this have anything to do with going steady with Bobby?
Carol: Yes.
Maggie: Yes?
Carol: I’ve made a terrible mistake.
Jason: Oh my goodness.
Maggie: I knew going steady was wrong.
Jason: Honey, we’ve talked about boys.
Maggie: I blame myself.
Jason: No, I’m just as much to blame as you.
Maggie: When did this happen?
Carol: Today in English class.
Jason: What?
Maggie: In English class? Jason!
Jason: Wait a minute. We talking about the same thing?
Carol: Well, what are you talking about?
Jason: No, what are you talking about?
Carol: Well, my English quiz. I didn’t study because I was out with Bobby.
Maggie: Boy, you really had us going there.
Carol: What did you think I meant?
Jason: Nothing I ever want to talk about again.
Mike: Hello, Mother. Excuse me, Father. Carol? Oh, excuse me. I’m interrupting something.
Maggie: Now, honey. What’s the problem?
Carol: This is absolutely the worst day of my academic life. I flunked my English quiz. I wasn’t
prepared and I spoiled my perfect record.
Maggie: Sweetheart, don’t be so hard on yourself.
Mike: If I might jump in here with some happy news.
Jason: Not now, Mike. Carol, it’s not the end of the world.
Carol: But Dad, I’ve never flunked anything.
Mike: Uh, Mom. Is this where you put the grades you’re so proud of or is it the freezer side?
Maggie: In a minute, Mike. Carol, nobody is perfect.
Carol: But, don’t you see? I was! I was your 4.0 daughter. You both call me that.
Jason: Honey, you’re losing all perspective here. In time you’ll see…
Mike: Speaking of C, I think you’ll get a real kick out of this.
Maggie: Carol, you didn’t study and you got one bad grade.
Jason: It’s one out of hundreds, honey. It’s infinitesimal.
Maggie: We don’t care about one grade. We care about how you do overall.
Carol: Yea, you’re right. I mean, one grade isn’t anything to get too excited about. Speaking
of which, I believe Mike has some news.
[Next scene]
Coach Luvok: Has it ever occurred to you people how many trees had to be murdered to make
these sheets of paper? Well, it occurred to me last night when I graded them. How do you
people live with yourselves?
Carol: I would just like to apologize for my performance yesterday and just say that it will
never happen again. I’m ashamed. Thank you.
Coach Luvok: What the heck are you doing? If you have to apologize for your grade then
Horowitz over there has to shampoo my pit bull.
Carol: What?
Coach Luvok: Here you go, Seaver. As for the rest of you, you disgust me!
Carol: I actually got an A plus!
Friend: Spare me the dramatics!
Carol: No, look at this!
Debbie: Go ahead. Rub our noses in it.
Carol: I don’t know, I guess, I must have read Gatsby in elementary school and forgot. Maybe
I don’t have to read it. Maybe I just know everything.
Friend: Yea, well, maybe the dashboard light in Bobby’s car is a lot brighter than you said. If
you’ve ever been in his car.
Debbie: Yeah!
[Next scene]
TV: You say I married the wrong man, but your forgot one thing! Your strawberry birthmark
right there!
Mike: Dad!
Jason: Yo, Mike! How was school today?
Mike: Good. How was your soap opera? Great.
Carol: Isn’t it a fantastic day, Dad?
Jason: Hey, you’re in a fine mood.
Carol: I don’t mind being related to Mike today. Mike!
Mike: What?
Carol: I have something to show you!
Mike: Yea, I got something to show you, too.
Carol: Mike, get down here!
Mike: This better be important.
Carol: Mike, I got my test back today.
Mike: Oh, yea?
Carol: Just seeing that grade in writing reminded me of what I am.
Mike: Remind me.
Carol: I just can’t.
Mike: Yes, yes you can. Come on, I’m your brother.
Carol: A plus! Read it and weep!
Mike: What?
Carol: My perfect record isn’t blemished! Which is more than I can say for your face.
Mike: Oh, look. Come on. You said you didn’t even study for this.
Carol: Yea, well, some people don’t have to study.
Mike: Let me see that. ‘The psychological ramifications of Gatsby’s predicament are more
interesting within the subtext than any within the text itself. What is this supposed to mean?
Carol: It means A plus!
Mike: Wait a minute. Look, you know, you just double talked your way through this. The same
as I do.
Carol: I did not.
Mike: Ok, look, Carol. I may not know much, but I know that psychological ramifications
doesn’t answer anything.
Carol: Yea, well. Yea, well, you can’t even spell ‘psychological.’
Mike: So? I can spell fertilizer.
Carol: Give me my test back.
Mike: Oh, certainly. Oh, certainly. I’m sure you’re gonna wanna file that with all the rest of
your bogus A pluses.
Carol: And what’s that supposed to mean?
Mike: Well, if that one’s phony then all rest of them could be, too.
Carol: Yea, well, I’ve earned every grade that I’ve ever gotten.
Mike: Oh, yea? Then why are you sweating?
Carol: I’m not sweating! I’m glistening! I’m glistening like a pig.
[Next scene]
Carol: Fifth grade English. ‘While the language of the play is truly beautiful and rich, the plot is
nonetheless predictable and the ending more than a bit depressing. It is my judgment that
Hamlet cannot be considered one of Shakespeare’s major efforts. So wrong. Carol, While I
may disagree with your conclusion your paper is excellent.’ A plus. Definitely didn’t deserve.
Ben: Carol, are you being punished for something?
Carol: No, why?
Ben: Well, you’ve been up here since dinner. And you didn’t even eat your dessert.
Carol: Oh, I’m just up here thinking about my whole sham of a life and what it means. That
I’m not really Carol the Brain after all. That my life is a meaningless void.
Ben: So, you don’t want your dessert?
Carol: Life is so simple for you isn’t it, Ben?
Ben: Depends on whether or not you want your dessert.
Carol: Go ahead. You can have it.
Ben: Thanks!
Carol: Ben, I’m glad you’re as simple as you are.
Ben: Thanks.
Carol: At least I know you won’t change how you feel about me when word gets out that I’m
not who I seem.
Ben: Who are you?
Carol: Somebody who’s been living a lie. Somebody who’s really tired of it. Someone who’s
ready for the truth. Do you understand?
Ben: Just tell me. Were you lying when you said I could have your dessert?
[Next scene]
Jason: Anybody home?
Maggie: I’m here, Jason.
Jason: Whoa! You’re home early today!
TV: You see, Fawn, that hospital nurse was none other than your mother!
Maggie: What’d you say?
Jason: Uh, why are you home so early?
Maggie: Sh-sh. Not now.
TV: And she was the very same nurse who switched us at birth!
Maggie: I should turn this off.
Jason: No! I mean, if you want to watch that stuff. Go ahead.
Maggie: Oh, thanks, honey. It’s not often I get home early enough to see it.
Jason: You are home early today.
TV: Oh, Chad. Can’t you see that it doesn’t matter to me whether you have a birthmark or not?
It’s you I love! But you see my darling. Fawn. It can never be! You see, that nurse, your
mother, was my mother as well! I’m your brother!
Maggie: Do you mind if I turn this down?
Jason: Huh? I don’t watch these things.
Maggie: Hello? Yes, Coach Luvok. I remember you. Carol? No, that can’t be. Yes, yes, of
course. Thank you. Jason, Carol’s been caught vandalizing school property!
[Next scene]
Maggie: Mr. Luvok.
Coach Luvok: Oh. Mrs. Seaver. Doc.
Jason: Where’s Carol?
Coach Luvok: Ah, in there cooling out.
Maggie: Cooling out?
Coach Luvok: Ah, don’t worry. I got the screwdriver away from her.
Jason: What screwdriver?
Coach Luvok: I suggest we stay in control here.
Jason: Well, I suggest you tell us what’s going on.
Coach Luvok: Uh, yea, right. Well, here’s this kid of yours. Probably the best student I’ve ever
had, I mean, when I look at her and then I look at the rest of the class, it makes me want to
puke.
Jason: Mr. Luvok…
Coach Luvok: You can call me Coach.
Maggie: Mr. Luvok, we just…
Jason: Uh, Coach. You said something about vandalism?
Coach Luvok: Oh, yea. I caught her red handed. Let’s see. Yea, she had a screwdriver and was
prying this off the honor society shield in the quad. Nobody, but nobody, touches the honor
society shield.
Maggie: Jason, it’s her name.
Jason: What’d she say when you caught her?
Coach Luvok: Well, she said, ‘And by the truth, shall ye be set free.’
Maggie: What does that mean?
Coach Luvok: Well, it means that a person can be a prisoner of their own lie is and the only
way…
Maggie: What did Carol mean?
Coach Luvok: Ah, heck. I don’t know. Women never make sense to me, you know what I
mean? Oh, yea and another thing, she comes to me today in class and tries to get me to
change her A plus into a F.
Maggie: You mean her F into an A plus.
Coach Luvok: No, I don’t.
Jason: Well, that doesn’t make any sense.
Coach Luvok: What did I just say?
Maggie: Well, then, why did she tell us she got a F? I know. You don’t know because you don’t
understand women.
Coach Luvok: Bingo!
Maggie: Can we see her now before I lose my temper?
Coach Luvok: Sure, sure. Hey, uh, what’s she mad at me for?
Jason: If you have to ask the question, you won’t understand the answer.
Coach Luvok: Now I see where Carol gets it from.
[Next scene]
Carol: Hey, I might as well tell you. I mean, you’re gonna find out anyway, right? The Carol
Seaver you’ve always known, the one who gets the perfect grades, well she’s a mirage, ok?
Case closed.
Jason: No, no, no, no, no.
Maggie: Honey, does this have anything to do with that test you flunked?
Carol: Yes.
Maggie: I thought so. Sweetheart, grades don’t mean anything.
Carol: Tell me about it.
Maggie: You can’t let one dinky little quiz throw you.
Carol: One quiz? Mom, I’ve been through my files. Ten years of work, everything I’ve ever
written, thought, or spake.
Maggie: All straight A’s, I believe.
Carol: I thought you just said, grades didn’t matter.
Maggie: I didn’t.
Jason: You did.
Maggie: Well, you’re the mental health professional. Do something.
Jason: Alright, Carol. Go with that.
Maggie: Oh, good.
Carol: I mean, all those A’s, all that perfect work. It wasn’t perfect after all! It doesn’t prove a
thing!
Jason: Well, why do you think your teacher gave you all those A’s?
Carol: For the same reason they give Mike D’s. Because it’s expected. Teachers know Carol
Seaver gets A’s. I mean, I can turn in a blank sheet of paper and get an A for being succinct.
Jason: Well, how do you think you got that reputation in the first place?
Carol: For having the best sand pile in kindergarten? I don’t know. All I do know is that I can’t
even fail when I admit to the teacher that I didn’t study because I was making out with Bobby.
Maggie: What?
Carol: But then why bring him into this already tense situation? Look, I won’t cause you any
more trouble. Let me just go to my next class and collect my next A.
Jason: Why?
Carol: What do you mean why?
Jason: Well, since the thing that’s been driving you all these years is getting good grades and
since you’ve now figured out that they’re worthless, why waste your time? Why even bother
going to school where, God forbid, you could learn something?
Carol: Good point. Let’s go home.
Jason: That should’ve worked.
[Next scene]
Carol: Ok, Ben. You can have my dessert.
Mike: He already ate it.
Carol: Mike, I’m not in a good mood.
Mike: Eh, it’s ok. You never are.
Carol: Mike, what do you want?
Mike: Um, well, I just came in here and wanted to say that I think it’s wrong for Dad to punish
you like this.
Carol: Well, Dad didn’t punish me. He just sent me up here to think.
Mike: Sounds like punishment to me.
Carol: For you, thinking is punishment.
Mike: Hey, an insult! You know, I can tell you’re feeling a lot better, Carol.
Carol: Mike, what do you want?
Mike: Well, I don’t know, I guess I just got kind of bored with just Ben to kick around, and I
sorta felt bad for you, and missed having you to harass.
Carol: That’s sweet.
Mike: And you know, I think you’re right.
Carol: About what?
Mike: Well, you know, about grades, not meaning anything. It’s always been my approach.
The way I figure it is by the time we’re old, like Mom and Dad, no one’s really gonna care what
kind of grades we got. All they’re gonna care about is just who you are and maybe what kind
of car you drive. See, alright, take your Buick, now it’s big, but what does it say? Now, you’ve
got your Volvo, they’re interesting, but you got to be able to smoke a pipe for one of those.
And you have your Ferrari, whoa!
Carol: Wait!
Mike: What?
Carol: What did you just say?
Mike: Whoa!
Carol: Before that.
Mike: Uh, Volvo’s.
Carol: Before that.
Mike: I forgot.
Carol: You said that when we’re adults no one would care about the kind of grades we got in
school. They’d only care about the kind of person we are.
Mike: I said that?
Carol: So, the more we learn the more we become enriched as people!
Mike: No, I know I didn’t say that!
Carol: Of course! Education not only shapes how other people see us but how we see
ourselves. It’s not about learning facts, it’s not about grades, it’s not about being perfect, it’s
about being somebody worth knowing.
Mike: Uh-huh.
Carol: I better like myself, since I’m gonna be with me all my life, right?
Mike: Right.
Carol: That’s worth going to school for! That’s better than grades! That’s worth studying for
until you drop! That’s it! Thank you, Mike! Mom! Dad!
Mike: Should’ve known she’d miss the point.
[Next scene]
Maggie: So, you’re saying that by sending Carol to her room to think last night, you solved her
problem?
Jason: Well, I think it’s obvious that my suggestions got Carol on the road to… Why? Do you
think I’m taking too much credit?
Maggie: Oh, I didn’t say that.
Jason: Oh, ok. Well, it certainly sounded as maybe…
Ben: Hey! Who the heck ate Carol’s dessert?
Maggie: Carol. She’s feeling like herself again, she even got her appetite back.
Ben: I liked it better when her life was a meaningless void.
