考研英语作文考场范文批改及点评(8)

The undergraduate, who is on his way to a job interview, is stunned after hearing a ridiculous condition: the position is only for the man born in the year of dog. More ironically, a dog is eager to try. Conspicuously, that is a horrible depiction concerning the discrimination in job market.Over the past years, all kinds of discriminations(改为discrimination，它是一个不可数名词) have been condemned or made illegal, but one insidious form continue to thrive: some harsh conditions some employers imposed when recruit new,(句子成分不清，建议改为some harsh conditions are imposed on the employers when a company recruit new) ranging from height to household registration. So, what cause(改为causes) these problems? Firstly, thetremendous number of graduates- still mounting each year- make organizations powerless to screen out right candidates. (本句话说服力不够强)For which(改为this) reason, numerous bizarre approaches were came out to find “the right person”. Moreover, the current state of affairs may have been encouraged by lack of severe penalty and punishment to those arrogant organizations who(改为which) shrink the obligation of selecting eligible staff. A good case in point is one of my roommates, with excellent performance in the job interview, failed to obtain the occupation(本句话可改为who performs excellently in the job interview, but fails to obtain the occupation,若要按作者的写法，应该在failed之前加but，用来连接两个简单句，且将failed改为fail) as a consequence of inadequate height.The clear message is that we should get moving to launch a war against those irresponsible companies. Just as rejecting those duty-shrinking corporations, making complaint to administrator as long as we meet this situation.(整句话没有谓语动词，且administrator使用不当，本句话可改为：To reject the duty-shrinking corporations, we should report the situation to the relevant authorities) More significantly, the authorities should charge with the obligation of laying down associate-effective discipline which seems appropriate in the light of current situation. By these methods, we will surely get through this tough period before long.

编辑点评

文章结构完整，符合考研写作的要求。但是美中不足的是，作者在选词方面不够精确，句子表达方面也有所欠缺。望作者在以后的写作中，应该注重句子的组成，并选用强有力的论据来支撑自己的观点;应该多积累经典词句，练习模仿句子，一周练习两篇作文即可。其余时间可强化自己的基础知识，锻炼自己的语言组织能力，相信你能够取得成功，加油哦!

参考分数：12分(满分20分)