GRE写作满分范文六十三

Hospital statistics regarding people who go to the emergency room after roller-skating accidents indicate the need for more protective equipment.  Within this group of people, 75 percent of those who had accidents in streets or parking lots were not wearing any protective clothing (helmets, knee pads, etc.) or any light-reflecting material (clip-on lights, glow-in-the-dark wrist pads, etc.).  Clearly, these statistics indicate that by investing in high-quality protective gear and reflective equipment, roller skaters will greatly reduce their risk of being severely injured in an accident.  

To reduce the accidents from roller skating we should consider about it causes and effects concurrently to find the best solution.  Basically the roller-skating players are children, they had less experiences to protect themselves from any kind of dangerous.  Therefore, it should be a responsible of adult to take care them.  Adult should recommend their child to wear any protective clothing, set the rules and look after them while they are playing.  

In the past roller-skating is limited in the skate yard but when it became popular people normally play it on the street way) Therefore the number of accidents from roller-skating is increased.  The skate manufacturer should have a responsibility in producing a protective clothing.  They should promote and sell them together with skates.  The government or state should set the regulation of playing skate on the street way like they did with the bicycle.  

To prevent this kind of accident is the best solution but it needs a coorperation among us to have a concious mind to beware and realize its dangerous.  

Commentary  

This seriously flawed response, rather than critiquing the argument, suggests ways for adults and skate manufacturers to ensure that children wear protective clothing.  In essence, the writer is uncritically accepting the argument.  

The response exhibits serious and frequent problems in sentence structure and language use.  Errors -- word choice, verb tenses, subject-verb agreement, punctuation -- are numerous and sometimes interfere with meaning, e.g., " needs a cooperation among us to have a concious mind to beware and realize its dangerous."  

This essay earns a 2 because it demonstrates both serious linguistic weaknesses and failure to construct a critique based on logical analysis.