那些无法抗拒的名篇34:The Memory Keeper's Daughter 不存在的女儿(节选)
Daughter
34 不存在的女儿
The snow started to fall several hours before her labor began. A few flakes first, in the dull gray late-afternoon sky, and then wind-driven swirls and eddies around the edges of their wide front porch. He stood by her side at the window, watching sharp gusts of snow billow, then swirl and drift to the ground. All around the neighborhood, lights came on, and the naked branches of the trees turned white.
她临盆前几小时下起了雪。起先只是午后阴沉的天上飘下几朵雪花，而后大风吹得雪花滚滚飞扬，盘旋在他们家宽敞前廊的边际。他站在她身旁，倚在窗边，看着雪花在强风中翻腾、回旋，缓缓飘落到地面。附近家家户户点亮了灯火，光秃秃的树枝变得雪白。
After dinner he built a fire, venturing out into the weather for wood he had piled against the garage the previous autumn. The air was bright and cold against his face, and the snow in the driveway was already halfway to his knees. He gathered logs, shaking off their soft white caps and carrying them inside. The kindling in the iron grate caught fire immediately, and he sat for a time on the hearth, cross-legged, adding logs and watching the flames leap, blue-edged and hypnotic. Outside, snow continued to fall quietly through the darkness, as bright and thick as static in the cones of light cast by the streetlights. By the time he rose and looked out the window, their car had become a soft white hill on the edge of the street. Already his footprints in the driveway had filled and disappeared.
晚餐后，他生了一炉火。他鼓起勇气走入风雪中，去拿秋季堆积在车库旁边的柴火。冷冽的寒风打着他的脸颊，车道上的积雪已经深及腿肚。他捡起木头，抖去上面松软的白雪，抱着木头走回屋内。壁炉里的火花马上引燃熊熊火光，他在壁炉前盘腿坐了一会，一面添加木头，一面看着火花跃动，火焰周围带着一圈蓝光，令人昏昏欲睡。屋外，白雪在黑暗中静静地持续飘落，在街灯的照耀下，既静谧，又明亮、厚实。等到他起身往窗外一看，他们的车已经变成街角的一座白色小山丘，先前印在车道上的脚印已被填满，不见踪迹。
He brushed ashes from his hands and sat on the sofa beside his wife, her feet propped on pillows, her swollen ankles crossed, a copy of Dr. Spock balanced on her belly. Absorbed, she licked her index finger absently each time she turned a page. Her hands were slender, her fingers short and sturdy, and she bit her bottom lip lightly, intently, as she read. Watching her, he felt a surge of love and wonder: that she was his wife, that their baby, due in just three weeks, would soon be born. Their first child, this would be. They had been married just a year.
他拍去双手上的灰烬，坐到沙发上的妻子身旁。她双脚垫在靠枕上，肿胀的脚踝交叠放着，一本斯波克医生的育儿宝典四平八稳地摆在她肚子上。她读得出神，每次翻页就不自觉地舔一下食指。她双手纤细，五指短而强壮，阅读时心无旁鹜地轻咬着下唇。他看着她，心中顿时充满了挚爱与惊叹:她是他的妻子，他们的宝宝即将诞生，预产期只剩3个星期。这是他们第一个宝宝，而他俩结婚才一年。
She looked up, smiling, when he tucked the blanket around her legs. "You know, I’ve been wondering what it's like,"she said. "Before we're bom, I mean. It's too bad we can't remember." She opened her robe and pulled up the sweater she wore underneath, revealing a belly as round and hard as a melon. She ran her hand across its smooth surface, firelight playing across her skin, casting reddish gold onto her hair. "Do you suppose it's like being inside a great lantern? The book says light-permeates my skin, that the baby can already see."
他拿了条毯子盖住她的双腿，她微笑地抬起头。“你知道吗?我始终想不通那是什么感觉。”她说，“我是说出生之前。真可惜我们不记得。”她拉开袍子，脱下穿在里面的毛衣，露出像西瓜般圆硬的腹部。她伸手抚过它圆滑的表面，火光映在她的脸上，在她的发际洒下金红色的光影。“你猜那种感觉像不像置身一个大灯笼里?书上说灯光能透过我的皮肤，小宝宝能看得见。”
"I don't know,"he said.
“我不知道。”他说。
She laughed. "Why not?" she asked. "You’re the doctor."
她笑了笑说，“怎么不知道?”她问道，“你是个医生。”
"I'm just an orthopedic surgeon," he reminded her. "I could tell you the ossification pattern for fetal bones, but that's about it."He lifted her foot, both delicate and swollen inside the light blue sock, and began to massage it gently: the powerful tarsal bone of her heel, the metatarsals and the phalanges，hidden beneath skin and densely layered muscles like a fan about to open. Her breathing filled the quiet room, her foot warmed his hands, and he imagined the perfect, secret, symmetry of bones. In pregnancy she seemed to him beautiful but fragile, fine blue veins faintly visible through her pale white skin.
“我只是个骨科医生。”他提醒她，“我可以告诉你小宝宝在胚胎时期的骨化历程，但仅此而已。”他抬高她一只脚，裹在浅蓝色袜子里的双脚细腻而肿胀，他轻轻地按摩:她脚后跟的跗骨强劲有力，脚掌骨和趾骨隐藏在肌肤之下，密密相迭的肌肉仿佛是把即将展开的扇子。房间里静得能听到她的呼吸声，她的脚温暖了他的双手，他脑海中浮现出骨头的完美、隐秘与匀称。在他眼里，怀孕的她显得美丽而脆弱，苍白的肌肤上隐约可见细微的蓝色血管。
It had been an excellent pregnancy，without medical restrictions. Even so, he had not been able to make love to her for several months. He found himself wanting to protect her instead, to carry her up flights of stairs, to wrap her in blankets, to bring her cups of custard. "I’m not an invalid," she protested each time, laughing. "I’m not some fledgling you discovered on the lawn." Still, she was pleased by his attentions. Sometimes he woke and watched her as she slept: the flutter of her eyelids, the slow even movement of her chest, her outflung hand, small enough that he could enclose it completely with his own.
怀孕过程非常顺利，医生也没有给出什么限制。尽管如此，他己好几个月没有跟她燕好。他发现自己只想保护她，抱她上楼、替她盖被子、帮她端布丁等等。“我不是病人，”她每次都笑着抗议，“也不是你在草坪上发现的雏鸟。”虽说如此，他的关爱其实令她相当开心。有时他醒来看着沉睡中的她，她的眼睫毛轻轻眨动，胸脯缓慢而平稳地起伏，一只手伸到一旁，小巧得能让他完全握住。
She was eleven years younger than he was. He had first seen her not much more than a year ago, as she rode up an escalator in a department store downtown, one gray November Saturday while he was buying ties. He was thirty-three years old and new to Lexington, Kentucky, and she had risen out of the crowd like some kind of vision, her blond hair swept back in an elegant chignon, pearls glimmering at her throat and on her ears. She was wearing a coat of dark green wool, and her skin was clear and pale. He stepped onto the escalator, pushing his way upward through the crowd, struggling to keep her in sight. She went to the fourth floor, lingerie and hosiery. When he tried to follow her through aisles dense with racks of slips and brassieres and panties, all glimmering softly, a sales clerk in a navy blue dress with a white collar stopped him, smiling, to ask if she could help. A robe, he said, scanning the aisles until he caught sight of her hair, a dark green shoulder, her Gent head revealing the elegant pale curve of her neck. A robe for my sister who lives in New Orleans. He had no sister, of course, or any living family that he acknowledged.
她比他小11岁。一年前，他们初次相逢。当时是11月的一个星期六，天气阴沉，他到市区的一家百货商店买领带，刚好看到她乘电扶梯上楼。33岁的他刚搬到肯塔基州的莱克星顿。她从人群中脱颖而出，仿佛美景般，一头金发在脑后盘成优雅的髻，珍珠在她颈部与耳际闪闪发光。她穿着一件深绿色的毛外套，肌肤澄净而洁白。他踏上电扶梯，推开人群往上走，力图让她不要离开自己的视线。她走到四楼的内衣与丝袜柜台，他试图跟随着她，穿过一排排挂满内衣、胸罩、内裤的货架，件件衣物散发出柔软的光泽。有位穿白领和天蓝色外套的售货小姐拦下了他，微笑着询问有何需要服务之处，他说想找件睡袍，同时双眼不停地在货架间搜寻，直至看到她的金发及深绿色的身影为止。她微微低头，露出洁白优美的颈线。我想帮住在新奥尔良的妹妹买件睡袍，他当然没有妹妹，或是任何他所认识的、尚在人间的亲人。
The clerk disappeared and came back a moment later with three robes in sturdy terry cloth. He chose blindly, hardly glancing down, taking the one on top. Three sizes, the clerk was saying, and a better selection of colors next month, but he was already in the aisle, a coral-colored robe draped over his arm, his shoes squeaking on the tiles as he moved impatiently between the other shoppers to where she stood.
售货小姐离开没多久，拿来了三件质料结实的绒布睡袍，他漫不经心地挑拣，几乎连看都没看就拿起最上面那件。售货小姐说有三种尺寸，下个月还有更多颜色可供挑选，但他已经走向货架之间，手臂上搭着那件珊瑚色的睡袍，皮鞋在地砖上发出刺耳的声响，焦急地迈过其他顾客朝她走去。
She was shuffling through the stacks of expensive stockings, sheer colors shining through slick cellophane windows: taupe, navy, a maroon as dark as pig’s blood. The sleeve of her green coat brushed his and he smelled her perfume, something delicate and yet pervasive, something like the dense pale petals of lilacs outside the window of the student rooms he' d once occupied in Pittsburgh. The squat windows of his basement apartment were always grimy, opaque with steel-factory soot and ash, but in the spring there were lilacs blooming, sprays of white and lavender pressing against the glass, their scent drifting in like light.
她正在看一叠昂贵的丝袜，丝袜细致的色彩映着光滑的玻璃柜台闪闪发亮:灰褐、天蓝，还有像猪血般暗沉的红栗。她绿色外套的衣袖扫过他的袖口，他闻到她的香水，气味淡雅却弥漫各处，好像他以前在匹兹堡学生宿舍窗外浓密、洁白的紫丁香花瓣。当年他住在地下室，低矮的窗户外面一片灰暗，总是蒙着钢铁工厂的煤灰。但到了春天紫丁香盛开时，洁白与淡紫色的花瓣紧贴着窗面，香气如同光线般飘进室内。
作者介绍:
金·爱德华兹:生于德州，长于纽约，现为肯塔基大学英文系助理教授，常在各地举办写作工作坊，著有短篇小说集《火王的秘密》。《不存在的女儿》是她出版的第一部长篇小说。她是美国各大文学奖项的常客。2002年她获得怀丁基金会的怀丁作家奖，1998年则入选海明威文学奖。她还得过芝加哥论坛报举办的倪尔森爱格林奖、全国杂志奖等。
医生戴维亲自为妻子接生，发现双胞胎中的女婴患有唐氏症。不忍面对女儿为智障的现实，他让护士将女儿送走，并对妻子诺拉谎称她已经夭折。善意的欺骗竟成了一家人的恶梦……25年间，诺拉不能承受丧女之痛，开始出走、酗酒，而戴维终日被满心愧疚纠缠却无法言说，只能带着一架“记忆守护者”牌相机去寻找女婴、女孩、少女的影子，仿佛要为他那不存在的女儿留下成长的记录。暗恋戴维的护士卡罗琳并没有送走女孩，她搬到另一个城市隐姓埋名。以一己之力对抗社会的不公，尽力给女儿一个温暖的家……多年后，戴维和卡罗琳再次相遇，她对他说:“你逃过了很多心痛，但你也错过了无数的喜悦。”
