爱情杀手：破坏爱情的15个坏习惯
去年四月，刚刚吃过晚饭，Brian 让我坐在沙发上，用一种严肃而又紧张的语气说道：“我们得谈一谈”。
I remember this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, followed by the thought, Oh no, what have I done?
我依旧记得这种不是很好的感觉就像是有东西在胃里翻滚。紧随其后的是想，哦，不，我做了什么?
With the passing of my sister, D
Although some bad habits may seem minor, over time they can really add up and damage the relationship. Often, people underestimate how damaging these seemingly silly habits can be. If your guilty of any of these relationship habits, make changes to help nurture and grow your relationship instead of damaging it.
有些坏习惯虽然看起来微不足道，但它们却会随着时间的推移逐渐积聚，以致破坏感情。人们往往会低估这些愚蠢习惯的严重性。若你察觉了自身染上了这些恋爱病，那就作出改变，修塑内在，学会培养而非破坏感情。
1. Nagging Too Much
喋喋不休
Many studies have pointed to nagging as being the number one factor that makes men dissatisfied with their relationships. Don’t nag your partner. Remember that your partner doesn’t have to do things according to your timeline and nagging will only make the situation worse.
多项调查表明唠叨已成为男士不满恋情的头号因素。不要对你的伴侣喋喋不休。记住，对方没有义务按照你的行程表做事，一味地抱怨只会让事情变得更糟。
2. Not Taking Care of Yourself
不会照顾自己
You aren’t going to be a good partner unless you take care of yourself. The best partners are people who care for their emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Take care of yourself so you can give to your relationship.
只有照顾好了自己，才会成为理想情人。那些能照顾自己感情、身体以及精神的人，才是最佳爱人。唯独把自己照顾好了，你的感情才会得到呵护。
3. Taking Your Partner for Granted
视对方为理所当然
The longer you’ve been together the easier it can be to take your partner for granted. Take time to appreciate your partner every day so that you don’t overlook how fortunate you are.
两人在一起的时间越久，就越容易漠视对方的存在。要在每一天里去感激你的爱人，如此你才不会低估自己的幸运。
4. Half-Listening
敷衍了事
It can be easy to nod your head or say you agree to something without ever really hearing what your partner said. Half-listening to what your partner is one of those relationship habits that can lead to a lot of problems. Work on your communication so you can truly listen to what your partner has to say.
对方说话时，在没有真正倾听对方的情况下就点头或赞同当然容易。对伴侣所说的话漫不经心是引发一系列矛盾的原因之一。要认真交流，这样你才能真正收听到对方的讯号。
5. Avoiding Discussions About Problems
逃避探讨问题
Ignoring problems won’t make them disappear. In fact, many problems get worse when you don’t address them. Don’t avoid your relationship problems. Instead, be willing to tackle them in an adult manner.
漠视问题的存在不会解决问题。事实上，多数问题你若不去处理，事态反而会变得更糟。所以不要逃避，而应该用成年人的方式去处理。
6. Not Being Assertive
不够果敢
Pretending to agree with your partner when you aren’t really sure is one of those habits. It can lead to anger and resentment over time. Speak up and share your feelings in a respectful manner.
在你举棋不定时佯装赞同附和对方是恋爱通病之一。随着时间的累积，这将会引发不满和忿恨。用尊重彼此的方式大声说出你的心声，与对方分享你的情感吧。
7. Testing Your Partner’s Loyalty
测试对方的忠诚
Don’t test your partner’s loyalty. It will likely backfire over time. Instead, focus on your own loyalty toward your partner.
不要测试对方的忠诚。时间久了只会适得其反。取而代之的是你得注意一下自己的忠贞。
8. Complaining About Your Partner
抱怨对方
Don’t call your mother or your best friend to complain about your partner. If you are upset or don’t like your partner’s behavior, talk to your partner directly.
不要邀上你的妈妈或闺蜜一起抱怨你的伴侣。如果你不满或不喜欢对方的表现，那就直接告诉对方
9. Not Balancing Friend and Family Time
不会平衡与亲友相处的时间
Spending time with friends and family is part of being a well-balanced person. However, if you spend too much time with others, you could neglect your relationship. Strive to find just the right balance and it will help keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
花时间陪伴好友和家人是懂得时间平衡之人的一部分。但是，如果你在这方面花去了大部分时间，那你的感情就会遭到冷遇。所以要努力寻找适宜的平衡点，这样你们的恋情才会新鲜刺激。
10. Using the Silent Treatment
沉默对待
The silent treatment is a passive-aggressive tactic that can harm your relationship. It is often about control and not about trying to calm down. Learn how to address your issues in a more productive manner
沉默是伤感情的消极攻击策略。这往往是想要控制对方而非尝试去平静心态的表现。所以要以更加有效的方式去处理你的情感纠纷。
11. Taking Teasing Too Far
过分戏谑
Although a little teasing can lead to a good laugh, taking teasing too far can damage the relationship. Don’t embarrass your partner in front of others or continue to tease when your partner asks you to stop
偶尔的调侃能制造欢乐，但若越界却只会破坏感情。不要让你的伴侣在众人面前出丑，也不要在对方叫停时仍然不知趣地继续戏谑。
12. Telling “White Lies”
撒“善意的”谎言
One of the worst relationship habits is lying. Even those little white lies can seriously damage your relationship. Whether you aren’t honest about how much you spent on a shopping trip or where you went last, it can destroy the relationship.
撒谎是恋爱时最糟糕的习惯。即使是不起眼的善意谎言也会严重影响你们的感情。无论你谎报购物花销还是先前去向，这都会伤害感情。
13. Focusing on Your Happiness Only
只在乎自己的快乐
Too often, people focus on what they’re gaining from the relationship rather than focusing on what they’re giving. Whether you’re happy or not, put effort into making your partner happy.
通常，人们只在乎自己从恋爱中得到了什么而非付出了哪些。无论你快乐与否，你都要尽力让你的爱人开心。
14. Keeping Score
斤斤计较
Don’t keep score about who earned what or whose turn it is next. Instead, focus on working together as a team to do what’s best for the relationship.
不要计较得失，也不要在意下回是谁的主。相反，你们要合二为一全心去相互协作，为这份感情做最好的努力。
15. Making a Scene in Public
公共场合大吵大闹
Throwing a fit at a restaurant, yelling on the sidewalk, or exhibiting the silent treatment at a friend’s party can all be very damaging to the relationship. Avoid making a scene in public. Instead, keep your private business just between the two of you.
无论是在餐厅里发脾气，人行道上怒吼还是在友人派对上上演哑剧，这都会严重影响到你们的感情。要避免在公共场合大吵大闹。所以，把私人问题拿回家里关门处理。
ebbie, in February, we had both been through several brutal months, trying our best to survive as she slipped away from us. Neither one of us were getting much sleep, both of us deep in our grief, and I was finally back at work trying to tackle not one, but three, gigantic projects.
在过去的两个月，对我们来说是十分残酷的，我们尽最大的努力走出失去姐姐Debbie的阴影里。因为沉浸在悲痛中，我们整夜的失眠，难以入睡。我也终于回到我的工作岗位，解决三个大项目。
In the sweetest, most gentle voice, Brian began to share with me his massive concern for my health and well-being. With tears in his eyes, he told me he really felt that if I didn't stop the long, intense hours and stressing out so much, he was afraid I would get very sick and possibly even "work myself to death."
在Brian 最甜美，最温柔的声音，他开始与我分享他的一些情绪，他表示很关心我的健康和内心的幸福感。泪水在他的眼中打转，他告诉我，他真的觉得，如果我不停止长期而又高强度的工作，他很怕我会生病难受，甚至“过劳死。”
As someone who has always been able to accomplish major things, juggle lots of simultaneous projects and withstand huge amounts of pressure, I normally would have just assured him that I could "power" through this period and deal with it all.
正如有些人可以很好的完成一些重要的事情，忙里忙外大量同时进行的项目，并承受大量的压力，我向他保证，我也是其中一员，有足够的力量应付这一切。
But there was something in the way he was approaching the conversation that made me stop and listen. With his sincere, openhearted vulnerability, I really, really heard him.And, I got that he was right.I was no longer the person who could do it all. My nervous system was shredded. I was out of "reserves" and running on fumes.
但是他采取了另一种方式靠近我，让我安静下来听他说话，和他交谈。随着他的真诚，坦难以掩饰的关心，我真的，真的听到了他内心的声音。他是对的!我不再是那个可以顶着压力完成一堆一堆项目的人了。现在我的神经系统处于半撕裂状态，处于储存能量的阶段，整个状态感觉在云端漫步。
As I sat there, trying to take it all in, trying to figure out what to "do" about my situation, I remembered something Debbie whispered to me in the middle of the night:"Take more vacations."I spent the next several days looking the calendar, trying to see when I could take a vacation and for how long.
我坐在那儿，试图想清楚我的一些情况，试图知道应该怎么做才能很好的解决这一情况。我突然想起Debbie夜半时曾在我耳边说：“给自己个假期吧”。接下来的几天，我一直在看日历，试图找出我可以休假多长时间。
And then it dawned on me: I didn't just need a week or two on a tropical island. I need a big, long, extended break. I needed to rest, rejuvenate, re-boot and re-think the rest of my life.
然后，我突然明白了，我需要的不是一个或者两个星期在热带岛屿上度假，而是一个长长的休息时间，我需要休息，恢复，重新整理和思考我的余生。
On August 1, I stopped working. Completely!I turned off my cell phone and put it in a drawer.I turned on the auto-responder to my email and then recorded a new voicemail on my phones to announce that, for the next six weeks, I would be completely, totally unavailable, and I began my sabbatical.
在八月一日，我完全的停止了工作。我关掉手机，把它放在一个抽屉里。我打开了电子邮件的自动回复，然后在我的手机上录下一种新的语音邮件，宣布在接下来的六周，我就完全，完全的休息下来不工作了，就这样，我开始了我的休假。
One of my ongoing thoughts was: What if I get bored? How would I fill my days? Could I really do this? Completely unplug?I am happy to report, yes!
我有一个想法一直占据我的大脑：如果我感到厌烦?我将如何丰富我的生活呢?难道我真的要这样做吗?真的可以彻底离开我个工作?现在，我可以很高兴回答大家，是的!我可以!
For the past 83 days, I have been sleeping in, taking naps (for the first time ever), reading lots of books (some of my favorites have been The Dalai Lama's Cat and Elizabeth Gilbert's new novel The Signature of All Things plus several James Patterson mysteries). Brian and I are playing tennis and taking tons of beach walks; we've traveled to Bora Bora, Italy and Romania; I'm cooking more and resting a lot.
在过去的83天里，我每日睡午觉(这真是有史以来第一次如此)，阅读大量的书籍(比如所，我一直很喜欢的Dalai Lama's的《猫》、Elizabeth Gilbert的新小说、万物的标准、James Patterson的《秘密》)Brian 和我打网球，在海滩上漫步，我们来去Bora Bora, Italy and Romania游玩了一圈。我做饭次数越来越多，安静了不少。
Every time I'd get an idea for a new project, I'd sit down and close my eyes, breathe deeply and wait for it to pass. If the idea persisted, I wrote it down and then forgot about it (for now). I've worked with my doctors to restore my energy levels, had many visits with the acupuncturist and chiropractor and my amazing partners at Evolving Wisdom gave me a huge gift of many massages.
每当我对新项目有了一个新想法，我就会坐下来闭上眼睛，深呼吸，等待他慢慢的离开我的思想。如果这个想法能够一直留在我的想法里，我会把它下来，然后忘记他。我和我的医生正在努力恢复我的能量水平。找了很多针灸师和按摩师以及一个小伙伴给我了一个大大的惊喜。
During this healing time, I decided to reinvent how I "do" life.One of my biggest 'aha' moments is that "I am now experiencing a new kind of aliveness that is not fueled by adrenalin."
在这段休闲的时间里，我决定重塑我的生活。一个让我觉着可以惊叹的瞬间是：“我正在体验一种新的生活方式，而不是使我的肾上腺素进行生长。”
Without the tyranny of a to-do list eating up every minute of my day, I have made time to have some deep, meaningful、conversations with several girlfriends who I've discovered are also "hitting the wall" and ready to make major changes. We have all admitted to being "busyness addicts," and we may even start a support group!
如今没有待办事项来占用我所有的时间，我可以有更多的时间和我的一些好友一起做一些深层次的有意义的对话。和一些在平时常常因为忙碌在呼唤朋友出游时屡屡“碰壁”而又有决心做出重大改变的朋友。我们都觉着自己是“忙碌成瘾者”我们甚至可能会启动一个互相支持小组!
In the past, I often defined myself by my work, and I hate to admit this, but my ego took a lot of pride in "just how much I can accomplish" in an hour or a day or a week.
在过去，我的工作常常被认为是我这个人的全部表现，虽然我很讨厌承认这一点，但是我花了很多时间比如一个小时，一天或者是一个星期，在为“到底有多少事情，我可以做到”而骄傲。
Years ago, when I worked as Deepak Chopra's publicist, he used to call me "speedy," and I thought that was a good thing! Too bad I wasn't listening more closely when Deepak was telling me how stressing out was not good for my health.
几年前，当我担任Deepak Chopra的公关，他习惯叫我“迅速，”我认为这是一件好事!现在想想真是太糟糕了，我没有听的更加仔细，其实这样高压力是不利于我的健康的。
Today, I am done working for a living.I am eliminating the word "work" from my vocabulary, and I plan to spend half my time diving into projects that provide me creativity, fun, freedom and offer some level of contribution and prosperity.
今天，我为了生活而工作。我把“工作”这个词从我的字典里移除了，我计划花费半天的时间，深入的了解我的创意、自由、乐趣，并把它们运用在我的项目中。
My biggest fear is that as I begin to return to the real world and begin some projects, my old habits will emerge. I expect that there will be days when I slip. Days when I begin to spin out of control or get caught up in the delusion that anything that I am doing is more important than taking care of myself.
我最大的担心是，当我开始回到现实世界，开始了一些项目，我的老习惯会出现。我预计将有天当我滑倒，或者当我开始失控或陷入妄想什么的时候，我能清楚的知道我过的是比照顾自己更重要的日子。
These will be the days when I need to remember my commitment to being a Wabi Sabi Love artisan -- someone who finds beauty and perfection in her own imperfection. Just as I am now re-writing and shifting the story of how I "do life," so must I find compassion for the part of me who still thinks she can do it all.
这将会是我需要要记住的日子，我需要记住我的承诺做一个具有Wabi-sabi Love精神的工匠，就是一个懂得发现美和完善自己不完美的人。就拿我现在重新书写这个关于我应该如何过人生的故事来说，我必须找到其他人同样认为值得思考而他们也会做的事情。
