成长的烦恼第三季Growing Pains 313
psychiatrist worth a hundred bucks an hour by healing yourself.”
[Laughter]
Jason: So what do you feel like saying when she does that to you?”
Carl: What do I feel like saying?
Jason: Uh huh.
Carl: I’ll tell you…[yells loudly]
[Laughter]
Carl: I feel better.
Jason: Yeah.
Carl: I feel good.
Jason: Uh huh.
[Laughter]
[Buzzer Sounds]
Jason: Well, time’s up.
Carl: Thank you doctor.
Jason: No, thank you doctor. [Laughs]
[Laughter]
Jason: Alright, my turn.
[Laughter]
Carl: So let’s see…last week you said you were feeling depressed.
Jason: Yeah, well now I’m terrific. [Laughs]
Carl: Oh, good. That’ll be a hundred bucks, thank you for coming in. [Laughs]
[Laughter]
Jason: Carl, I think the reason that you’re joking is because you feel uncomfortable dealing
with a colleague.
Carl: I always wanted to say that to a Carl. [Laughs]
[Laughter]
Carl: So, you uh, you claim you’re terrific.
Jason: Claim? Carl, if that’s going to be your attitude, I may not even tell you.
Carl: Jason.
Jason: Alright, alright, stop brow-beating me, I’ll talk.
[Laughter]
Jason: I’ll talk. I have had such a week, I’ve had an incredible week. Not only is my
self-doubt gone, but I’ve got a second wind. I, I’ve uh, this may be the most incredible week
of my life. I just haven’t felt this positive, this energized, this essential in years.
Carl: Well try a little vocalization.
Jason: Vocalization, okay… Whoa, wow, whippee, whippee, whew, yeah. [Laughs]
[Laughter]
Carl: Is that whoa, whoa, whippee, whew?
Jason: No, that was one whoa, and two whippees, and a whew, like that so, get with it Carl.
[Laughter]
[Theme song and opening credits]
Jason: I mean, just to think that it was one week ago and I’m, I’m staring right into the…
Carl: Abyss of self doubt.
[Laughter]
Jason: Wow, you do pay attention.
Carl: Of course I pay attention.
[Laughter]
Jason: To think that I was, I was looking for someone to answer my questions Carl, and what I
really needed all the time was for me to help someone else with theirs. It was so simple, so
basic.
Carl: You didn’t think I was listening to you, did you?
[Laughter]
Jason: I have the perfect place to start. Alright, it all began in my office, with a patient. It
was last Wednesday. I’m sitting in my office.
Carl: Wait a minute, you have office hours on Wednesday?
Jason: Shut up Carl.
[Laughter]
[Scene changes to Jason’s office]
[Buzzer sounds]
Jason: Alright Rosanne, that’s our session for this week. Same time next week?
Rosanne: Dr. Seaver, I have something to say to you, and I must say it before I leave.
Jason: Okay, sure.
Rosanne: I can’t say it.
[Laughter]
Jason: Alright then, we’ll talk next week.
Rosanne: No we won’t.
[Laughter]
Jason: Pardon me?
Rosanne: I’m gonna start seeing another therapist.
Jason: What?
Rosanne: You aren’t mad at me, are you?
Jason: [Laughs] No, no, but I think we should discuss…
Rosanne: Oh I was so afraid I was gonna tell you, and you were gonna start crying, and rolling
around on the floor.
[Laughter]
Jason: No, no, I hardly ever do that anymore, Rosanne.
[Laughter]
Jason: But I think we should…
Rosanne: It is so nice of you to be so nice about this.
Jason: [Laughs] No problem, it’s just, why do you want to see another therapist?
Rosanne: Why?
Jason: I think this is important for you and me.
Rosanne: Why?
Jason: Yes why?
Rosanne: Why?
[Laughter]
Rosanne: Because you’re not helping me at all.
[Laughter]
Jason: I see.
Rosanne: Well, it’s really not your fault, Dr. Seaver. You’ve done everything humanly possible.
How could you know that my problem stems from events in one of my previous lives on Earth.
[Laughter]
Jason: [Laughs] Rosanne, have you been watching Oprah again?
[Laughter]
Rosanne: It’s a very good show.
Jason: Yes, well, ah ah, you should do whatever you think is best.
Rosanne: Well I just didn’t wanna hurt your feelings. Just because you failed.
[Laughter]
Jason: [Laughs] That’s nonsense. No, no, no, I uh, I just want you to know that if you don’t
find the answer in some previous century, my door’s always open to you.
[Laughter]
Rosanne: Thank you.
[Laughter]
Jason: Oprah!
Jason’s voiceover: Mrs. Flagg just confirmed how I’d been feeling lately.
Jason: File update: Rosanne Flagg is terminating her session because she’s a totally loon.
[Laughter]
Jason: No, she’s terminating because I have failed her…Inactive…Just like me.
Jason’s voiceover: It started me wondering, I mean, what proof did I have that any of my
patients were truly better off for having seen me? Was I competent?
[Laughter]
[Scene change to kitchen]
Jason: Ben, dinner’s in half an hour!
Ben: I’m looking forward to it.
[Laughter]
Jason: Stop, no, no, c’mon, I’m cooking tonight.
Ben: Baked beans?
Jason: Sure, why not?
[Laughter]
Ben: Alright!
Jason: At least I’m still useful in the kitchen.
[Laughter]
Jason: I should never have gone into psychiatry…lots of things I could have done. Even a
fireman, or an astronaut…cowboy….chef
[Laughter]
Maggie: Hi honey!
Jason: Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Jason’s voiceover: One of the toughest parts about what we do is that you can’t talk to your
wife about your work, and sometimes the smartest thing Maggie can do is just stay away from
me.
Maggie: …once told me the smartest thing I can do is stay away from you.
Jason: If I were you I’d move.
[Scene change to girls in kitchen]
Jason’s voiceover: She did. Then my daughter and her friends arrived.
Carol: Hi dad.
Jason: Yeah.
Carol: Dad, we’ve got a ton of college brochures to go through, so is it okay if Deb and Shel
stay for dinner?
Jason: What, they don’t have homes of their own?
[Laughter]
Carol: Dad!
[Laughter]
Jason: I’m sorry, I’m not Bill Cosby.
[Laughter]
Deb: It’s okay Carol, my father’s weird too.
Shel: Forget about dinner Mr. Seaver. I’m on this super-strict diet, I can’t have real food.
Deb: I’m on that same diet!
[Laughter]
Carol: Well why don’t we just order out for pizza.
Deb: Great!
Shel: Great!
Carol: Okay!
[Laughter]
Cheryl: Debbie, here’s a medical school in Haiti, right on the beach!
Deb: Oh wow!
Carol: Don’t, don’t you want to go to a real medical school?
Deb: Wow, look at these cabanas!
[Laughter]
Carol: Dad, tell Debbie where you went to medical school.
Deb: You went to medical school?!?
Carol: Well of course he did.
Deb: Oh wow, I’m sorry, I thought you were just a psychiatrist.
Jason’s voiceover: I felt like just a psychiatrist.
Shel: She means you don’t, like, look at guts and stuff.
[Laughter]
Carol: My father deals with mental guts. Tell ‘em dad.
Jason: I deal with mental guts.
[Laughter]
Mike: Alright, let the man through, move it or bleed. Hey dad. Alright Bone, just put ‘er
down, right there.
Carol: What! Dad!
Mike: Hey Dad, I’m not screwing around here. This is a uh project for art class…it’s real
homework.
Carol: We were here first.
Boner: Mikey, please.
Mike: In a minute, Bone.
Carol: Well go somewhere else, Mike.
Mike: Dad, alright, look, it’s up to you, either you say she start letting me do my homework,
or uh, you gotta listen to Carol’s whining.
Carol: [Cries out in annoyance]
[Laughter]
Boner: I’m gonna drop it, I’m gonna drop it.
Jason: Hold on, will you two stop arguing.
[Laughter]
Mike: Oh there, are you happy now?
[Laughter]
Jason: You better have a real good reason for all this.
Mike: Oh heck yeah dad. We’re doing a torso study of Boner for art class.
Boner: Yeah, that’s why Mikey said I should carry in everything: uh to pump up my physique.
[Laughter]
Mike: Oh uh Dad, this is Jill. She uh, she paid for all this plaster, so if you’re gonna kick us
out, you’re gonna have to answer to her.
Jason: Hi, look uh, take this…
Jill: So are we kicked out or what?
Jason: The basement’s fine.
Mike: Oh yeah, yeah, the basement, that should work. Come on Bone. Let’s go.
Boner: So who’s gonna get the other three bags of plaster?
Mike: Guess.
[Laughter]
Carol: Did you see who that was?
Shel: Could you believe it?
Deb: She’s in your home, Carol.
Jason: So what’s the matter with uh…
Carol: Jill?
Jason: Yeah.
Mike: Oh nice, nice, very nice ladies. Dad, whatever they said about Jill is a lie. That teacher
deserved to be slugged.
[Laughter]
Mike: [Cat fight noises]
Jason: So what’s the story with that girl?
Carol: Well, she never talks to anyone except to be nasty, and she’s always getting in trouble,
Dad. I mean, she spends more time in the principal’s office than Mike, and worse she…
Shel: She’s not into clothes, or makeup, or anything that’s important.
[Laughter]
Jason: Nevermind.
Carol: Shelly, that doesn’t matter. What I was gonna say is that she’s practically flunking out.
[Scene change to living room]
Deb: So, I’m practically flunking out too.
[Laughter]
Jason: Do I know you?
Ben: Die alien maggot!
[Laughter]
Ben: Gothar sword. Gothar sword.
Jason: Let’s see if there’s anyone in here worse off than me.
[Laughter]
Jason: Obituaries.
[Laughter]
Jill: So, you’re a head-shrinker.
Jason: Uh-huh. Something I can do for you?
Jill: Umm.
Girls: Eww, Boner!
Mike: Boy, I swear, when am I ever gonna learn not to ask Boner to help me, I mean how
many times do I have to get burned?
[Laughter]
Boner: I said I was sorry.
Mike: Don’t worry Dad, the kitchen will be as good as new.
Jason: Mike, you guys said you’d work in the basement.
Mike: Hey don’t blame me dad, Boner’s the one who dropped the whole bag of plaster on the
floor.
Boner: Oh yeah, well I wouldn’t have dropped it if I hadda had some help.
Jill: You’re beyond help.
[Laughter]
Mike: Eh, come on Jill.
Jill: Coming...Nice talkin’ to you.
Jason: Huh?
[Laughter]
Carol: Arg, they won’t bother us in here.
[Laughter]
Carol: Hi dad!
Jason: Mm hmm.
Carol: Uh, dad?
Jason: Uh huh?
Carol: Are you planning on staying here?
Jason: Am I in your way?
[Laughter]
Carol: Oh no, no, no, I mean but if you’re gonna stay here, we’ll go somewhere else.
Jason: No, no, no, no, you stay. No, I’ll uh, I’ll go somewhere else. It doesn’t matter where
I go. It’s not like I’m doing anything useful, right?
[Laughter]
Carol: Thanks dad.
[Laughter]
[Scene change to Jason’s office]
[Scene change to backyard]
Jason: Geez.
[Laughter]
Jill: I didn’t know shrinks kicked stuff.
Jason: You startled me.
Jill: Sorry, I just came out for a breath of fresh air.
Jason: Yeah, and a smoke.
Jill: I’ll leave.
Jason: No, no, no you stay, stay and smoke your brains out. Go ahead, kill yourself if you
want to.
Jill: Kill myself?
Jason: Yeah, I do appreciate you not doing it in the house, at least.
Jill: Oh, but you don’t mind if I off myself out here?
Jason: No, of course I do, but I certainly can’t get people to act the way I’d like them to.
Otherwise today would have been a lot different.
Jill: So, please excuse me while I finish killing myself.
Jason: We’re not talking about smoking anymore, are we?
Jill: No.
[Fade to black]
[Return to scene]
Jason: We’re not talking about smoking anymore, are we?
Jill: No.
Jason’s voiceover: I felt as if my breath had been knocked out of me. And and with it, all my
petty concerns and self-pity. In that instant, all that mattered was this sad-eyed, scruffy girl
who was trying to be so tough.
Jason: Do I understand you, are you considering…
Jill: Forget it.
Jason: Now hold on.
Jill: Why, are you gonna say something that’s gonna turn my whole life around?
Jason: Well no, but I’m not gonna let you walk away either.
Jill: Look, I wasn’t serious, okay? It was a joke. What’s your problem?
Jason: Hey, you’re not going anywhere.
Jill: Oh yeah?
Jason: Just a second, wait a minute. Believe me, if you think you can tell me you’re thinking
of killing yourself then just leave here, you’re mistaken.
Jason’s voiceover: Now both of us were acting tough. I only hoped my act was as good as
hers.
[Laughter]
Jill: Fine. Waste your time. I’ll just stay out here and freeze.
Jason: Well why don’t we go in my office, you can…
Jill: No!
Jason: Okay, fine. This is good.
Jill: I got nothin’ to talk about.
Jason: Really.
Jill: Yeah. Really.
Jason: Look, I know you came in here tonight for the first time ever. I know you’re supposed
to be here helping Mike and Boner. I also know you spend most of your time staring at me.
I know you know I’m a psychiatrist. So what do you wanna say to me?
Jill: Big deal. I just wanted to talk to you, and I changed my mind. Isn’t that allowed?
Jason: No! No..
Jill: Look, it’s…it’s…[sighs]…I don’t know what to say….It, it, this is just…
Jason: Alright, alright, alright, just uh, tell me why you picked me to talk to.
Jill: Well it’s not like I got a whole lotta people to choose from.
Jason: Well uh, what about your parents?
Jill: Right.
Jason: Why not? Your mom?
Jill: She’s…she’s not around.
Jason: What about your dad?
Jill: Too busy.
Jason: You got friends?
Jill: [Laughs] I only know a couple a people, and…they’d probably think killing myself was a
good idea.
Jason: What about teachers?
Jill: Oh yeah, which one will it be? Mr. Gardner in Health, or Ms. Ramano in Typing?
Jason: Okay, how about…
Jill: Look, it’s like I said...there’s nobody. I wish there was.
Jason: Okay, you said your dad’s too busy, uh…is he such a bad guy though? Is…
Jill: He couldn’t handle it.
Jason: Well are you so sure about that, you know sometimes fathers and mothers, they…
Jill: My mother killed herself, okay?
[Jill cries]
Jill: It was a week before my twelfth birthday. We were gonna have a party.
Jason: My god.
Jill: I’m fine…so I’m not about to tell my dad about this, after what he’s been through.
Jason: Well that’s a terrible thing for any…
Jill: I used to feel that way.
Jason: Used to?
Jill: Yeah.
Jason: What do you feel now?
Jill: Like I don’t exist…Like I’m just walking around in somebody else’s dream. Any second
that person could just wake up and…
Jason: You’d just disappear, huh?
Jill: Yeah…And they wouldn’t even remember they dreamed me. Look, you really shouldn’t
even bother with me, because I mean it’s not like I can afford to pay you or anything, so…
Jason: I don’t remime it…I didn’t ask you for any money. (16:04)
Jill: Well this whole thing is just a bad idea. Can I please have my keys back?
Boner: Uh..Help me, help me.
Jill: God.
Jason: Hey don’t, just stay there Jill.
[Laughter]
Boner: Mikey, why would you put this on me if you didn’t know how to get it off?
Mike: Boner, it would have been a lot easier if you’d have just shaved your chest.
[Laughter]
Boner: Dr. Seaver. Look at me. Help me.
Mike: Where is Jill? She’s got the saw.
Boner: Saw?
Mike: Dad, have you seen her?
Jason: No.
Boner: Oh, thank you, thank you!
Mike: That’s weird, I mean I haven’t been able to find her anywhere. She’s gotta be out here.
Jason: Well she isn’t, Mike.
Mike: But dad, she…
Jason: Mike, Mike, will you, she’s not out here, okay. Will you just take Boner inside and, and
soak him in hot water.
[Laughter]
Mike: Okay, okay…
Boner: Thanks Dr. Seaver, you saved my life.
[Laughter]
Jason: Jill…Jill?
Jill: I’m here. Thanks…for not saying anything.
Jason: Look, there’d be no interruptions in my office.
Jill: No!
Jason: Okay, okay, fine. Fine, we’ll stay out here and freeze to death. Let me rephrase that.
Jill: Okay, you wanted to know why I picked you to talk to…I’ll tell you. [Laughs] It’s Mike. I
had to meet his dad. You know, every time I get sent to Dewitt, the Principal, Mike’s usually
there.
[Laughter]
Jill: I mean he’s the only kid I know who ever gets into as much trouble as me. But, he never
seems to get down about it. Even when Dewitt yells at him, he’s got this look on his face, like
he’s having a good time.
[Laughter]
Jason: Yeah.
Jill: Like today, we had to go to this “career day” garbage, and Mike takes out one of these
booths and puts up a sign “Sex Therapy: The Doctor is In”.
[Laughter]
Jason: That’s my boy.
[Laughter]
Jill: So Dewitt sent him to detention for the whole week, and I went up to him and I said, you
know, “hey, I’m sorry you got busted” and, and you know what he said: If I helped just one
poor girl out there, it was worth it.
[Laughter]
Jason: But what you have to understand about Mike is that with him, most of the time that’s
just his act…I hope.
Jill: Yeah, but everybody else at that school is always running around like they can’t wait to
graduate and begin life, like great exciting things are gonna happen, and the truth is there’s
really nothing.
Jason: Well that’s not true.
Jill: For me it is. What’s in my future, huh? Some stupid job. Maybe a lame marriage.
[Laughs] Oh, and then if I’m really lucky, I’ll end up with a kid who’s just as messed up as
me. No thank you.
Jason: Well it doesn’t have to be that way.
Jill: Oh right. Tell my…Nevermind.
Jason: You were gonna say “tell my mother that,” hmm?
Jill: Yeah!
Jason: Cuz your mom, she knew how hopeless life could be.
Jill: Yes!
Jason: And you think she’s right.
Jill: She was!
Jason: Mm hmm…but what if she was wrong? What if she was…
Jill: She wasn’t!
Jason: What if life isn’t as empty and hopeless as…
Jill: Well then my mom was selfish and she didn’t love me at all, and I hate her for what she
did to me and my dad.
[Jill cries]
Jason: Pretty angry at your mom, aren’t you?
Jill: No…
Jason: Oh yes, yes it’s very difficult to be angry at someone close to you, someone you love, it,
people sometimes do things to, they do things to hurt themselves just because, oh, it’s so
tough they just want to avoid admitting that they’re angry.
Jill: Oh, you think that I would really rather kill myself, then admit that mom…that my mom
hated me.
Jason: I didn’t say your mom hated you.
Jill: Well why else would she kill herself?
Jason: Well maybe she thought her mother hated her. Maybe she had mental problems that
had absolutely nothing to do with you. Maybe she was just as confused as you are right now.
Jill: That’s the biggest crock I’ve ever heard.
Jason’s voiceover: She didn’t immediately embrace my theory, but I had her talking, there
was a spark and a vitality in her eyes that was new. She was beginning to realize that she
was a real person after all and not a character in someone’s dream. The dreamer had
awakened and she hadn’t disappeared.
[Scene change to Jason’s office]
Carl: Wow.
[Buzzer sounds]
Jason: Well, time’s up.
Carl: Hey, hey, hey, hey, you don’t get to say when time is up. I’m the doctor this time, I get
to say when time is up.
Jason: It’s my office and my buzzer.
Carl: Yeah, I wanna know what’s happened since then.
Jason: Well I feel vital. I feel competent.
Carl: Not you, her!
Jason: I know, I know.
Carl: How is she?
Jason: Well, she’s um…
Carl: Jason…I envy you.
Jason: Yeah, well we’ll deal with that problem next week.
[Laughter]
Jason: Right now, I have a two o’clock, c’mon.
Carl: Okay.
Jason: See you next week, Carl.
Carl: Oh yeah…Only next week you go first, that way if we run out of time…we can take it out
of my session.
Jason: Oh, you think that’s wise?
Carl: [gasps in mock horror]
[Laughter]
Jason: Oh, put some clothes on, will you, Boner.
[Laughter]
Jason: Hi.
Jill: Hi. Is anybody else around?
Jason: No, just us. We’re ready. Come on in, have a seat. We’ll just, uh, pick up where we
left off last time.
Jill: I wanted to tell you that, I did what you said, and I uh talked to my dad.
Jason: And?
Jill: He hugged me. He wants to come to my next session.
Jason: Well that’s wonderful. And maybe we can do it in my office next time. Either that, or
I’ll just pull up another lawn chair here.
Jill: Anyway, um, this week’s been a little different. There was this girl at school, and um…
[Music starts playing]
Jason: Can I have a piece of gum?
Jill: She asked to borrow this book…and I said okay…and we talked a little bit and… ended up
going over to her house to study…(muffled)
