人生不设限·正面改变的五个阶段

CHANGE RESISTANT

每个人都知道世上本来就没有永远不变的事物，但奇怪的是，当被迫离开舒适区时，我们又常常变得害怕、不安，有时甚至觉得愤怒、怨恨。人即使面临恶劣的情况——充满暴力的亲密关系、走进死胡同的工作、危险的环境，还是常常不愿另辟蹊径，因为他宁愿面对已知，而不是未知。

Everyone knows nothing stays the same forever, but strangely, when outside events or other people force us out of our comfort zones, we often become fearful and insecure. Sometimes we grow angry and resentful. Even when people are in a bad situation—a violent relationship, a dead-end job, or a dangerous environment— they often refuse to take a new path because they would rather deal with the known than the unknown.

最近我认识了乔治，他是个物理治疗师兼体适能教练。我告诉他，我的背很不舒服，需要一些运动来强化背部，但我不想健身，因为我忙于旅行和经营公司。乔治的回答很经典：“如果你希望一辈子都要应付背愈来愈痛的问题，那就祝你好运了。”

I recently met George, a physical therapist and fitness coach. I told him that I was having a problem with my back and that I needed some exercises to strengthen it but I couldn't get motivated to work out because I was so busy traveling and running my company. George's response was classic: "Hey, if you want to deal with that pain getting worse and worse for the rest of your life, good luck to you."

他嘲笑我!我真想用头给他敲上一记。但我了解他其实是想激励我，强迫我正视一个事实：如果我不愿调整自己的生活形态，就等着自作自受吧。

He mocked me! I felt like giving George a head butt. But then I realized he was motivating me, forcing me to deal with the fact that if I was not willing to adjust my lifestyle, I would pay the consequences.

他的意思是：“力克，如果你不想改变就不要改，不过，能让你的背舒服一点的，只有你自己。”

He was saying, Nick, you don't have to change if you don't feel like it, but the only person who can help your back feel better is you.

我称职地扮演了抗拒调整生活形态的坏榜样。然而，我见过状况更糟的人，明明可以让人生变得更好，但他们就是不愿意。如果让人生变好代表要进入不熟悉的环境，他们常常会觉得恐惧，害怕放弃熟悉的处境，即使那个处境糟透了。另外，有很多人也真的不愿为自己的生命负起责任。美国总统奥巴马曾经强调个人责任的重要：“我们自己就是我们所等待的改变。”然而，即使可能溺毙其中，还是有人抗拒形势。

I was a good example of a bad example with my resistance to a lifestyle adjustment. But people in far worse circumstances resist moves that would greatly improve their lives. Often they are afraid to give up even terrible situations if it means shifting into an unfamiliar situation. And many people refuse to accept responsibility for their own lives. President Barack Obama stressed the importance of personal responsibility when he said, "We are the change we have been waiting for." But some people fight the tide, even when it threatens to drown them.

某些人宁可撒手不管，也不想负起责任，因为负责任这件事令人却步。当生命给了你一张烂牌，毁了你的牌局，打乱你的计划，你大可以怨天怨地怨父母，或是责怪三年级时偷你三明治的那个小孩，但怨天尤人最终对你没有任何好处。负起责任是掌控生命中的迂回、改变人生道路沿途状况的唯一方法。我的经验告诉我，要作出正面改变必须经历五个阶段：

For some people, taking responsibility is a lot more daunting than taking a pass. When life deals you a card that ruins your hand and upsets your plans, you can blame the universe, your parents, and the kid who stole your sandwich in the third grade. But in the end, blaming does nothing for you. Taking responsibility is the only way to master the detours and shifting conditions along your life's path. My experiences have taught me that making a positive change has five necessary stages.

1.认知到改变的需要

1. Recognizing the need to change

说起来真可悲，我们往往后知后觉，很慢才会认知到采取行动的必要。即使感觉不对劲，我们还是安于例行公事，并且出于惰性或恐惧，选择了“不做”，而不是“做”。通常一定要被吓到了，我们才会承认非求新、求变不可。企图自杀对我而言就是这样的时刻。我以勇者之姿撑了许多年，但其实阴郁的念头一直在我心中徘徊不去，我总是在想，如果没办法改变身体，那我就结束自己的生命。当我几乎要淹死在浴缸里时，我才了解到，该是为自己的幸福快乐负责的时候了。

Sadly, we are often slow to recognize the need to make a move. We settle into a routine, even if it isn't all that comfortable, and we choose inaction over action simply out of laziness or fear. Often it takes something really scary to make us recognize that we need a new plan. My attempted suicide was one such moment for me. I had been hanging on for years, putting on a brave face most of the time, but inside I was haunted by dark thoughts that if I could not change my body, I'd end my life. When I reached the point where I nearly let myself drown, I recognized it was time to take responsibility for my own happiness.

2.展望新气象

2. Envisioning something new

我的朋友尼德最近有个伤心的任务，就是说服他父母离开已经住了40年的家，搬进老人安养中心。他父亲的健康恶化，而照顾的重担也危及他母亲的生命。但他父母却不想搬走，比较想待在自己家里，因为附近有熟悉的邻居。“我们在这里住得很快活，干吗搬走?”他们说道。

A friend of mine, Ned, recently had the sad task of convincing his parents to move out of their home of forty years and into a senior living center, a nursing home. His father's health was failing, and the burden of caring for him had endangered his mother's life too. His parents did not want to move. They preferred to stay in their home, surrounded by neighbors they knew. "We are happy here. Why would we leave?" they said.

单单说服父母去看一下离他们家只有几条街之远的安养中心，尼德就花了超过一年的工夫。他父母对于所谓的老家伙之家的印象，就是“冷而阴沉”，是“老人等死的地方”。不过，他们看到的这个安养中心却是干净、温暖而充满活力的，很多以前的老邻居也已经搬进来，过着充实的生活。那儿还有医务室，里面的医生、护士与治疗师可以接手一些照顾尼德父亲的工作，这样能为他母亲减轻不少负担。

Ned talked it over with his parents for more than a year before he convinced them to visit a very nice senior citizens community just a few blocks from their home. They'd formed an image of "old folks' homes" as cold and dreary places where "old people go to die." Instead, they found a clean, warm, and lively place where many of their former neighbors were living and enjoying active days. It had a medical clinic staffed with doctors and nurses and therapists who could take over some of the care for Ned's father that had weighed so heavily on his mother.

尼德的父母在看到未来住处的样子之后，就同意搬进去了。“没想到这里这么好。”他们说。

Once his parents had a vision of the new place, they agreed to move there. "We never thought it could be so nice," they said.

如果从目前所在之处移到你应该去的地方，对你来说有点困难，不妨先让自己看清楚这次的移动会把你带往何处。意思就是，你可能必须去勘察某个地点、尝试新的关系，或者秘密地跟随你向往的职业中的某个人。一旦对新的处境熟悉一些之后，离开老地方就比较容易了。

If you have difficulty moving from where you are to where you need to go, it may help to get a clear vision of where the move will take you. This may mean scouting out a location, trying new relationships, or shadowing someone in a career you might want to pursue. Once you are more familiar with the new place, it will be easier to leave the old one.

3.放开旧的

3. Letting go of the old

对许多人来说，这个阶段很难。想象你正在攀岩，爬到一半，距离谷底有几百尺高，而你刚来到一个小小的岩壁平台。这个景象很吓人，你知道只要一阵强风吹来，或是小小的风暴靠近，你就危险了，但在这个平台上，你至少可以有些许安全感。

This is a tough stage for many people. Imagine you are climbing a rock wall in the mountains. You are halfway up the wall, hundreds of feet above the valley floor. You have just come to a small ledge. It's scary, and you know you would be vulnerable if the wind picked up or a storm moved in, but on that ledge you have at least some sense of security.

问题是，无论要继续往上爬或回头向下走，你都必须放弃这个平台给你的安全感，继续前往下一个支撑点。不管这个安全感有多微弱，要放下它都很困难——攀岩或走上新的人生道路都是如此。你必须放开旧的，抓住新的。很多人在这个阶段就僵住了，或者尽管展开行动，却又因为害怕而退缩。如果你发现你处于这种状况，请想象自己正在爬梯子：你得放开现在抓着的这一阶，伸出手，才能前进到下一阶。放手、伸手，然后让自己攀高，一次一阶。

The problem is that to keep moving up, or even to head back down, you have to abandon the security of that ledge and reach for another hold. Letting go of that sense of security, however tenuous, is the challenge, whether you are rock climbing or taking a new path in life. You have to release your hold on the old and grab on to the new. Many people freeze at this stage, or they start to make the move but then get scared and chicken out. If you find yourself in this situation, think of yourself as climbing a ladder. To move to the next rung, you must give up your grip and reach for the next one. Release, reach, and raise yourself up, one rung at a time!

4.稳定下来

4. Getting settled

这又是另一个很微妙的阶段。人们或许已经放掉旧的，前进到新的阶段，但除非获得某种程度的安全感，否则他们偶尔还是会想回头。这个阶段的心理独白是：“好了，我已经到这里了，然后呢?”

This can be another tricky stage for people. They may have let go of the old and moved up to the new, but until they attain a certain comfort level, they can still be tempted to go running back. It's the Okay, I'm here, now what? stage.

让自己稳定下来的关键是要非常留意脑袋里的想法。你必须摒除恐慌模式的念头：“噢，糟了，我到底在干什么?”快转到“哇，这真是很棒的探险”。

The key to settling in is to be very careful about the thoughts that play out in your head. You have to screen out panic-mode thoughts like Oh my gosh, what did I do? and focus forward along the lines of This is a great adventure!

小时候刚搬到美国的前几个月，我在“接纳”这个阶段苦苦挣扎。许多个白天和夜晚，我在床上辗转反侧，为新环境的种种苦恼不已。因为害怕被排斥、被嘲笑，我总是躲着其他同学。但是渐渐地，我开始觉得新家也有不错的地方。例如我在这里也有堂兄弟姊妹，我跟他们虽然不像跟澳大利亚的亲戚那么熟，但后来我发现，美国的堂兄弟姊妹也是大好人。而且这里有海滩、有山、有沙漠，都在很近的地方。

In my first few months in the United States as a boy, I struggled with the acceptance stage mightily. I spent many days and nights twitching uncomfortably in my bed, fretting about my new environment. I hid out from other students, fearing rejection and mockery. But slowly, gradually, I came to enjoy certain aspects of my new home. For one thing, I had cousins here too; I just hadn't known them as well as my cousins back in Australia. My American cousins turned out to be great people. Then there were the beach and the mountains and the desert, all within easy reach.

就在我开始觉得美国加州也不赖的时候，父母决定搬回澳大利亚;等我完成大学学业之后，我便回到加州。现在这里已经如同我的家了!

Then, just as I began to think maybe California USA wasn't so bad, my parents decided to return to Australia. When I got older and finished college, I moved right back to California. Now, it feels like home to me!

5.继续成长

5. Keep growing

这是成功转变最棒的阶段。你已经跃出一步，现在该在新环境里成长了。事实上，如果想要继续成长，就不可能没有改变。尽管这个过程可能充满压力，甚至造成身心极大的痛苦，但随之而来的成长会让人觉得承受这些苦楚很值得。

This is the best stage of making a successful transition. You've made the leap, and now it's time to grow in the new environment. The fact is that you really can't keep growing without change. Although the process can be stressful and even downright painful emotionally and even physically, the growth is usually worth it.

我在企业经营上就体会到了这一点。几年前，我必须重组公司，也就是说，我得解雇一些人。对我来说，解雇人是件很恐怖的事，我非常痛恨这么做。我很爱照顾别人，非常不喜欢把坏消息告诉我关心的人。辞退员工到现在都还是我的噩梦，因为我把这些人视为朋友。然而回过头看，如果当时没有作那样的改变，我的公司无法成长。我不能说我很高兴解雇了那些员工，我还是很想念他们，但是作了那样的决定之后，我们的确有所收获。

I've seen that in my business. A few years ago I had to restructure my company. That meant letting some people go. I am horrible at firing people. I absolutely hate it. I'm a nurturing kind of guy, not a bloke who likes to bring the bad news down on those I care about. I still have nightmares about firing staff members whom I'd come to know and love as friends. But looking back, my company never would have been able to grow if I hadn't made that change. We've reaped the rewards. I can't say that I'm glad to have let go those former employees; I miss them still.

成长的痛苦是一个征兆，表示你正在伸展自己，前往全新的境界。你不必享受那样的痛苦，但是你要知道，在更美好的日子来临之前，你必须有所突破，而痛苦在所难免。

Growing pains are a sign that you are stretching and reaching for new heights. You don't have to enjoy them, but know that they always come before a breakthrough that leads to better days.