双语·面纱 第六十章

60

Though the Mother Superior talked with Kitty not more than three or four times and once or twice for but ten minutes the impression she made upon Kitty was profound. Her character was like a country which on first acquaintance seems grand, but inhospitable; but in which presently you discover smiling little villages among fruit trees in the folds of the majestic mountains, and pleasant ambling rivers that flow kindly through lush meadows. But these comfortable scenes, though they surprise and even reassure you, are not enough to make you feel at home in the land of tawny heights and windswept spaces. It would have been impossible to become intimate with the Mother Superior; she had that something impersonal about her which Kitty had felt with the other nuns, even with the good-humored, chatty Sister St. Joseph, but with her it was a barrier which was almost palpable. It gave you quite a curious sensation, chilling but awe-inspiring, that she could walk on the same earth as you, attend to mundane affairs, and yet live so obviously upon a plane you could not reach. She once said to Kitty:

“It is not enough that a religious should be continually in prayer with Jesus; she should be herself a prayer.”

Though her conversation was interwoven with her religion, Kitty felt that this was natural to her and that no effort was made to influence the heretic. It seemed strange to her that the Mother Superior, with her deep sense of charity, should be content to leave Kitty in a condition of what seemed to her sinful ignorance.

One evening the two of them were sitting together. The days were shortening now and the mellow light of the evening was agreeable and a little melancholy. The Mother Superior looked very tired. Her tragic face was drawn and white; her fine dark eyes had lost their fire. Her fatigue perhaps urged her to a rare mood of confidence.

“This is a memorable day for me, my child,” she said, breaking from a long reverie, “for this is the anniversary of the day on which I finally determined to enter religion. For two years I had been thinking of it, but I had suffered as it were a fear of this calling, for I dreaded that I might be recaptured by the spirit of the world. But that morning when I communicated I made the vow that I would before nightfall announce my wish to my dear mother. After I had received the Holy Communion I asked Our Lord to give me peace of mind: Thou shalt have it only, the answer seemed to come to me, when thou hast ceased to desire it.”

The Mother Superior seemed to lose herself in thoughts of the past.

“That day, one of our friends, Madame de Viernot, had left for the Carmel without telling any of her relatives. She knew that they were opposed to her step, but she was a widow and thought that as such she had the right to do as she chose. One of my cousins had gone to bid farewell to the dear fugitive and did not come back till the evening. She was much moved. I had not spoken to my mother, I trembled at the thought of telling her what I had in mind, and yet I wished to keep the resolution I had made at Holy Communion. I asked my cousin all manner of questions. My mother, who appeared to be absorbed in her tapestry, lost no word. While I talked I said to myself: If I want to speak to-day I have not a minute to lose.

“It is strange how vividly I remember the scene. We were sitting round the table, a round table covered with a red cloth, and we worked by the light of a lamp with a green shade. My two cousins were staying with us and we were all working at tapestries to recover the chairs in the drawing-room. Imagine, they had not been recovered since the days of Louis ⅩIV, when they were bought, and they were so shabby and faded, my mother said it was a disgrace.

“I tried to form the words, but my lips would not move; and then, suddenly, after a few minutes of silence my mother said to me: ‘I really cannot understand the conduct of your friend. I do not like this leaving without a word all those to whom she is so dear. The gesture is theatrical and offends my taste. A well-bred woman does nothing which shall make people talk of her. I hope that if ever you caused us the great sorrow of leaving us you would not take flight as though you were committing a crime.’

“It was the moment to speak, but such was my weakness that I could only say:‘Ah, set your mind at rest, maman, I should not have the strength.’

“My mother made no answer and I repented because I had not dared to explain myself. I seemed to hear the word of Our Lord to St. Peter: ‘Peter, lovest thou me?' Oh, what weakness, what ingratitude was mine! I loved my comfort, the manner of my life, my family and my diversions. I was lost in these bitter thoughts when a little later, as though the conversation had not been interrupted, my mother said to me: ‘Still, my Odette, I do not think that you will die without having done something that will endure.’

“I was still lost in my anxiety and my reflections, while my cousins, never knowing the beating of my heart, worked quietly, when suddenly my mother, letting her tapestry fall and looking at me attentively, said: ‘Ah, my dear child, I am very sure that you will end by becoming a religious.’

“ ‘Are you speaking seriously, my good Mother,' I answered.‘You are laying bare the innermost thought and desire of my heart.’

“‘Mais oui,'cried my cousins without giving me time to finish,‘For two years Odette has thought of nothing else. But you will not give your permission, ma tante, you must not give your permission.’

“ ‘By what right, my dear children, should we refuse it,' said my mother, ‘if it is the Will of God?’

“My cousins then, wishing to make a jest of the conversation, asked me what I intended to do with the trifles that belonged to me and quarrelled gaily about which should take possession of this and which of that. But these first moments of gaiety lasted a very little while and we began to weep. Then we heard my father come up the stairs.”

The Mother Superior paused for a moment and sighed.

“It was very hard for my father. I was his only daughter and men often have a deeper feeling for their daughters than they ever have for their sons.”

“It is a great misfortune to have a heart,” said Kitty, with a smile.

“It is a great good fortune to consecrate that heart to the love of Jesus Christ.”

At that moment a little girl came up to the Mother Superior and confident in her interest showed her a fantastic toy that she had somehow got hold of. The Mother Superior put her beautiful, delicate hand round the child's shoulder and the child nestled up to her. It moved Kitty to observe how sweet her smile was and yet how impersonal.

“It is wonderful to see the adoration that all your orphans have for you, Mother,” she said. “I think I should be very proud if I could excite so great a devotion.”

The Mother Superior gave once more her aloof and yet beautiful smile.

“There is only one way to win hearts and that is to make oneself like unto those of whom one would be loved.”

第六十章

虽然院长嬷嬷和凯蒂谈话不超过三四次，其中也就有一两次能谈个十分钟，但她给凯蒂留下的印象很深。她的性格就像一个国家，刚结识它时，能感受到它的宏大，但缺乏好客的热情。随着了解的深入，你可以渐渐发现在雄伟的大山的山谷之中，在无数果树的遮挡之下有着对你笑脸相迎的小村庄，还有让你神清气爽的河流，缓缓地在繁茂的草丛中流过。但是这些赏心悦目的景色，虽然让你惊奇，甚至让你坦然和放松，但它们还不足以让你觉得宾至如归，只有黄褐色的高地和风呼啸过的平原，才是自己的故土家园。和院长嬷嬷关系变得亲密无间似乎不太可能，她身上有种缺乏人情味的东西，这是凯蒂和别的修女在一起也能感受到的，甚至在好脾气、爱聊天的圣约瑟夫修女身上也能感受到，和院长嬷嬷在一起，这种感觉就更加明显了。它能让你有一种奇妙的感觉，寒冷而令人敬畏，她和你一样在同一片土地上行走，处理世俗的事务，但是她的生活状态显而易见是你无法达到的层面。她曾经有一次对凯蒂说：

“一个有宗教信仰的人不断地向耶稣祷告是不够的，她应该向自己的内心祷告。”

虽然她的谈话中交织着她的信仰，凯蒂觉得这很正常，不费劲就影响了不信教的人。但似乎让她感到不可思议的是，院长嬷嬷尽管很有慈爱之心，却能很安心地让凯蒂处于罪孽深重的愚昧状况中。

一天晚上，她们两人正坐在一起，白天变得越来越短，夜晚柔和的光线让人惬意之中有着些许忧郁。院长嬷嬷看上去很疲惫，她悲天悯人的面孔显得憔悴和苍白，炯炯有神的黑眼睛失去了往日的激情，她的疲乏或许是在敦促她寻求更为难得的信心。

“这对我来说是值得纪念的一天，我的孩子。”她说道，仿佛从长时间的幻想中醒来，“就是在多年前的这一天，我最后决定皈依宗教。我用了两年的时间一直在考虑这个问题，但是我很痛苦，因为对于这种召唤我很害怕，而且还因为担心自己很可能会再次被这个世界上的俗念所俘虏。可就在那天早上，当我在与意念交流时，我发了誓，我要在夜晚降临之前向母亲宣布我的决定，在圣餐礼[1]后，我请求上帝给我思想上的安宁。这时，我似乎找到了答案，只有当你已经放弃得到它的欲念，你才会真正拥有它。”

院长嬷嬷似乎陷入了对过去的回忆中，有点儿忘我。

“那一天，我的一位朋友，维尔诺女士已经动身去了卡梅尔而没有告诉她的家人，她知道他们会反对她的行动，但是她是一位寡妇，觉得有权利去做自己愿意做的事。我的一位表姐去送这位亲爱的逃亡者，直到晚上才回来，而且对这位逃亡者的行为特别感动。我还没有把我的想法告诉母亲，一想到我要把自己内心的想法向她和盘托出，我就禁不住颤抖。然而，我还是希望就按我在圣餐礼上的决定去做。我问了表姐各种各样的问题，我的母亲好像集中了全部的注意力在织她的挂毯，没有说话。我自言自语地说，如果我想今天就说，当下就是机会。

“很奇怪我现在还能清清楚楚地记得当时的情景。我们坐在一张圆桌旁，圆桌上盖着红色的桌布，我们在一盏有着绿罩的灯下工作。我的两个表姐和我们一起，正在织着坐垫，坐垫是准备放在客厅的那几把椅子上的。试想，从路易十四时代起，这几把椅子就没有坐垫，它们被买回来时又破旧又褪色，我母亲说这太不体面了。

“我试图想厘清我要说的话，但发现还是无法张口。接下来，经过了几分钟的沉默之后，我母亲突然对我说道：‘我真的不能理解你朋友的行为，我不喜欢她这种对所有的亲人都不告而别的方式，这和我的处事理念是格格不入的。一个教养良好的女人不应该去做让人们说三道四的事情。我希望如果有一天你想离开我们，虽然我们会很难过，但你千万不要匆匆出逃，好像你犯了什么罪似的。’

“这一刻我该开口了，但是我太软弱了，说出口的话却是：‘啊，您放心，妈妈，我还没有那种勇气。’

“我母亲没有回答，我暗自懊悔，因为我不敢多说几句，为自己的想法解释一下。我似乎听到了上帝对圣彼得所说的话：‘彼得，你不爱我吗？’哦，我是多么的软弱，多么的忘恩负义呀！我爱舒适的生活方式，爱我的家人和平常的消遣娱乐。我正迷失在胡思乱想中，没过一会儿，好像刚才的对话没有被打断一样，我母亲对我说：‘冷静，我的奥黛特，如果不去做那些不得不做的事，我觉得你也死不了。’

“我仍然在我的焦虑和思索中不知所措，而我的表姐妹们，全然不知我心跳得有多厉害，她们在静静地穿针走线。这时，我的母亲，突然把她手中的织物放下了，认真地看着我说：‘呃，我亲爱的孩子，我敢肯定，你最终的结局就是成为一名修女。’

“‘此话可当真，我亲爱的母亲？’我答道，‘您把我内心深处的想法和我多年来的愿望明白无误地说出来了。’

“‘是啊。’我的表姐妹们喊道，没给我时间让我说完，‘这两年时间，奥黛特没想别的，成天想的就是去做修女，您不会同意的吧，姑姑，您一定不会同意的。’

“‘我亲爱的孩子们，我有什么权利拒绝她呢？’我母亲说道，‘如果那是上帝的旨意。’

“然后，我的表姐妹们开玩笑似的抢着跟我说话，问我打算怎么处理我的东西，快乐地争吵着哪件东西应归谁。但这些欢闹的气氛没持续多久，我们就开始哭泣了。这时，我们听见楼梯上传来的父亲的脚步声。”

院长嬷嬷停了一会儿，叹了口气。

“我父亲一时无法接受，我是他唯一的女儿，男人们通常对女儿的感情要比对儿子的更深。”

“人有感情真是一件大不幸的事。”凯蒂笑着说道。

“把爱奉献给耶稣基督又是一件多么幸运的事。”

就在这时，一个小姑娘跑到院长嬷嬷的身边，兴致勃勃地给嬷嬷看一个她刚刚得到的玩具。院长嬷嬷用她漂亮、纤细的手搂着孩子的肩膀，孩子小鸟依人般地贴着嬷嬷。让凯蒂感动的是，她看到嬷嬷脸上的微笑是那么的甜蜜，又是那么的神圣。

“您能让所有的孤儿都那么喜欢您真是太了不起了，嬷嬷。”她说道，“如果我也能唤起别人对我的爱，也会非常自豪的。”

院长嬷嬷再一次露出超然、美丽的微笑。

“这是唯一能够赢得人心的方式——要想让人爱，必先爱人。”

* * *

[1]圣餐礼（Holy Communion），又称擘饼、爱筵、主的晚餐等等，是耶稣亲自设立的一件表明主的生命常与信徒同在的圣事，也有与耶稣沟通交流的意思。