双语·面纱 第六十一章
Walter did not come back to dinner that evening. Kitty waited for him a little, for when he was detained in the city he always managed to send her word, but at last she sat down. She made no more than a pretense of eating the many courses which the Chinese cook, with his regard for propriety notwithstanding pestilence and the difficulty of provisioning, invariably set before her; and then, sinking into the long rattan chair by the open window, surrendered herself to the beauty of the starry night. The silence rested her.
She did not try to read. Her thoughts floated upon the surface of her mind like little white clouds reflected on a still lake. She was too tired to seize upon one, follow it up and absorb herself in its attendant train. She wondered vaguely what there was for her in the various impressions which her conversations with the nuns had left upon her. It was singular that, though their way of life so profoundly moved her, the faith which occasioned it left her untouched. She could not envisage the possibility that she might at any time be captured by the ardor of belief. She gave a little sigh: perhaps it would make everything easier if that great white light should illuminate her soul. Once or twice she had had the desire to tell the Mother Superior of her unhappiness and its cause; but she dared not: she could not bear that this austere woman should think ill of her. To her what she had done would naturally seem a grievous sin. The odd thing was that she herself could not regard it as wicked so much as stupid and ugly.
Perhaps it was due to an obtuseness in herself that she looked upon her connection with Townsend as regrettable and shocking even, but to be forgotten rather than to be repented of. It was like making a blunder at a party; there was nothing to do about it, it was dreadfully mortifying, but it showed a lack of sense to ascribe too much importance to it. She shuddered as she thought of Charlie with his large frame too well covered, the vagueness of his jaw, and the way he had of standing with his chest thrown out so that he might not seem to have a paunch. His sanguine temperament showed itself in the little red veins which soon would form a network on his ruddy cheeks. She had liked his bushy eyebrows: there was to her in them now something animal and repulsive.
And the future? It was curious how indifferent it left her; she could not see into it at all. Perhaps she would die when her baby was born. Her sister Doris had always been much stronger than she, and Doris had nearly died. (She had done her duty and produced an heir to the new baronetcy; Kitty smiled as she thought of her mother's satisfaction.) If the future was so vague it meant perhaps that she was destined never to see it. Walter would probably ask her mother to take care of the child--if the child survived; and she knew him well enough to be sure that, however uncertain of his paternity, he would treat it with kindness. Walter could be trusted under any circumstances to behave admirably. It was a pity that with his great qualities, his unselfishness and honor, his intelligence and sensibility, he should be so unlovable. She was not in the least frightened of him now, but sorry for him, and at the same time she could not help thinking him slightly absurd. The depth of his emotion made him vulnerable and she had a feeling that somehow and at some time she so could work upon it as to induce him to forgive her. The thought haunted her now that in thus giving him peace of mind she would make the only possible amends for the anguish she had caused him. It was a pity he had so little sense of humor: she could see them both, some day, laughing together at the way they had tormented themselves.
She was tired. She took the lamp into her room and undressed. She went to bed and presently fell asleep.
那天晚上，沃尔特没有回来吃晚饭。凯蒂等了他一段时间，因为他如果在城里有事耽搁了，总是会想方设法派人给她个信儿。最后她还是一个人在桌边坐了下来。她已经不再吃中国厨子做的菜了，原因是这个厨子总是一成不变地按照规矩几菜一汤地准备饭菜，一点儿也不考虑瘟疫的危险和食物供应的困难。简单地用过饭后，她在窗边的一个长条藤椅上躺了下去，四周是星光熠熠的夜空和一片沉寂。
她没有试着去读书，思绪浮在心头，就好像朵朵白云映照在平静的湖面。她太疲倦了，不能厘清这些思绪，无法集中注意力去思考伴随这些思绪的问题。她在恍惚中想搞明白，和修女们交谈后留下的印象到底对她意味着什么。很奇特，虽然她们的生活方式让她深深地感动，但是引发如此生活方式的信仰却没有打动她。她不能设想这种可能性，即她在什么时候也能够被信仰的热情所征服。她轻轻地叹了口气，如果那道伟大的白光能够照亮她的心灵，也许一切将变得简单容易。有一两次，她甚至有种冲动告诉院长嬷嬷她的不幸，但她又不敢这么做。她不能忍受这位纯朴的女人对她产生不好的印象。对她而言，她以前的行为自然是一种深重的罪孽，可奇怪的是，她本人倒是没把它看作是邪恶的行为，只不过把它看作是愚蠢和丑陋的行径。
或许是由于她感觉迟钝，她把自己和查理之间的关系看作是令人遗憾的，甚至让人吃惊的，但是它也应该是需要忘记的，而不是有什么懊悔的。就像在一场聚会上所犯的无心之过，现在后悔也于事无补，事情本身是屈辱的，但是她自己缺少一种意识，认定事情是多么的重要。当她想到查理，心里也会咯噔一下。他对自己身材的缺点隐藏得恰到好处，他平常会把下巴收一下，使得大下巴不太明显，站立的时候会挺着胸，这样看上去，他的肚腩也会小一些。他乐观自信的性情很容易表现出来，因为他的血管充血后，很快就能让他面色红润起来。她曾经喜欢他的浓眉，而现在她觉得那像动物的粗毛，让人厌恶。
未来会怎么样？奇怪的是她根本无所谓，也许她也根本无法预见。也许她会死于难产，她的妹妹多瑞丝身体比她好得多，可多瑞丝在生孩子时差点儿死去（她已经尽到了自己的责任，已经生下了准男爵爵位的继承人。凯蒂想到她母亲心满意足的样子，自己先笑了）。如果未来是那么模糊不清，也许意味着她注定无从预见。沃尔特可能会让她的母亲照料这个孩子——如果这个孩子能活下来的话。她了解他的个性，他肯定会这么做的，但她不能确定他对这孩子的父爱有多少，他可能还是会善待这个孩子的。沃尔特在任何情况下都值得信任，而且勇于担当。他有着那么多可贵的品质，他的无私和荣誉感，他的智慧和敏感，可就是很可惜，他可敬但不可亲。至少她现在不再害怕他了，只是为他感到遗憾，同时，她忍不住觉得他有点儿荒唐。他深沉的感情使他变得脆弱，她有一种直觉，也许某一时刻，她会有某种办法让他能够原谅她。这种想法现在总在她的脑海中盘旋，也许只有这样才能让他的内心平静下来，她也只能用这种方式才能弥补她给他带来的痛苦。他没有什么幽默感真是遗憾，有那么一天，她似乎能看见他们两个人一起嘲笑他们曾经彼此折磨对方的方式。
她觉得累了，把灯拿到房间里，脱了外衣，上了床以后很快进入了梦乡。
