双语·面纱 第六十八章

68

A week went by. Kitty was sewing. The Mother Superior entered the room and sat down beside her. She gave Kitty's work a shrewd glance.

“You sew very well, my dear. It is a rare accomplishment for young women of your world nowadays.”

“I owe it to my mother.”

“I am sure that your mother will be very glad to see you again.”

Kitty looked up. There was that in the Mother Superior's manner which prevented the remark from being taken as a casual politeness. She went on.

“I allowed you to come here after the death of your dear husband because I thought occupation would distract your mind. I did not think you were fit at that moment to take the long journey to Hong Kong by yourself, nor did I wish you to sit alone in your house with nothing to do but to remember your loss. But now eight days have passed. It is time for you to go.”

“I don't want to go, Mother. I want to stay here.”

“There is nothing for you to stay for. You came to be with your husband. Your husband is dead. You are in a condition in which you will shortly need a care and attention which it is impossible for you to get here. It is your duty, my dear child, to do everything in your power for the welfare of the being that God has entrusted to your care.”

Kitty was silent for a moment. She looked down.

“I was under the impression that I was of some use here. It has been a great pleasure to me to think that I was. I hoped that you would allow me to go on with my work till the epidemic had come to an end.”

“We are all very grateful for what you have done for us,” answered the Superior, with a slight smile, “but now that the epidemic is waning the risk of coming here is not so great and I am expecting two sisters from Canton. They should be here very shortly and when they arrive I do not think that I shall be able to make any use of your services.”

Kitty's heart sank. The Mother Superior's tone admitted of no reply; she knew her well enough to know that she would be insensible to entreaty. That she found it necessary to reason with Kitty had brought into her voice a note, if hardly of irritation, at leat of the peremptoriness which might lead to it.

“Mr. Waddington was good enough to ask my advice.”

“I wish he could have minded his own business,” interrupted Kitty.

“If he hadn't I should all the same have felt obliged to give it to him,” said the Mother Superior gently. “At the present moment your place is not here, but with your mother. Mr. Waddington has arranged with Colonel Yü to give you a strong escort so that you will be perfectly safe on the journey, and he has arranged for bearers and coolies. The amah will go with you and arrangements will be made at the cities you pass through. In fact, everything possible for your comfort has been done.”

Kitty's lips tightened. She thought that they might at least have consulted her in a matter which only concerned herself. She had to exercise some self-control in order not to answer sharply.

“And when am I to start?”

The Mother Superior remained quite placid.

“The sooner you can get back to Hong Kong and then sail to England the better, my dear child. We thought you would like to start at dawn the day after to-morrow.”

“So soon.”

Kitty felt a little inclined to cry. But it was true enough; she had no place there.

“You all seem in a great hurry to be rid of me,” she said ruefully.

Kitty was conscious of a relaxation in the Superior's demeanour. She saw that Kitty was prepared to yield and unconsciously she assumed a more gracious tone. Kitty's sense of humour was acute and her eyes twinkled as she reflected that even the saints liked to have their own way.

“Don't think that I fail to appreciate the goodness of your heart, my dear child, and the admirable charity which makes you unwilling to abandon your self-imposed duties.”

Kitty stared straight in front of her. She faintly shrugged her shoulders. She knew that she could ascribe to herself no such exalted virtues. She wanted to stay because she had nowhere else to go. It was a curious sensation this, that nobody in the world cared two straws whether she was alive or dead.

“I cannot understand that you should be reluctant to go home,” pursued the Superior amiably. “There are many foreigners in this country who would give a great deal to have your chance!”

“But not you, Mother?”

“Oh, with us it is different, my dear child. When we come here we know that we have left our homes for ever.”

Out of her own wounded feelings emerged the desire in Kitty's mind, malicious perhaps, to seek the joint in the armour of faith which rendered the nuns so aloofly immune to all the natural feelings. She wanted to see whether there was left in the Superior any of the weakness of humanity.

“I should have thought that sometimes it was hard never to see again those that are dear to you and the scenes amid which you were brought up.”

The Mother Superior hesitated for a moment, but Kitty watching her, could see no change in the serenity of her beautiful and austere face.

“It is hard for my mother who is old now, for I am her only daughter and she would dearly like to see me once more before she dies. I wish I could give her that joy. But it cannot be and we shall wait till we can meet in paradise.”

“All the same, when one thinks of those to whom one is so dear, it must be difficult not to ask oneself if one was right in cutting oneself off from them.”

“Are you asking me if I have ever regretted the step I took?”On a sudden the Mother Superior's face grew radiant. “Never, never. I have exchanged a life that was trivial and worthless for one of sacrifice and prayer.”

There was a brief silence and then the Mother Superior, assuming a lighter manner, smiled.

“I am going to ask you to take a little parcel and post it for me when you get to Marseilles. I do not wish to entrust it to the Chinese post office. I will fetch it at once.”

“You can give it to me to-morrow,” said Kitty.

“You will be too busy to come here to-morrow, my dear. It will be more convenient for you to bid us farewell to-night.”

She rose, and, with the easy dignity which her voluminous habit could not conceal, left the room. In a moment Sister St. Joseph came in. She was come to say good-bye. She hoped that Kitty would have a pleasant journey; she would be quite safe, for Colonel Yü was sending a strong escort with her; and the sisters constantly did the journey alone and no harm came to them. And did she like the sea? Mon Dieu, how ill she was when there was a storm in the Indian ocean, Madame her mother would be pleased to see her daughter, and she must take care of herself; after all she had another little soul in her care now, and they would all pray for her; she would pray constantly for her and the dear little baby and for the soul of the poor, brave doctor. She was voluble, kindly, and affectionate; and yet Kitty was deeply conscious that for Sister St. Joseph (her gaze intent on eternity) she was but a wraith without body or substance. She had a wild impulse to seize the stout, good-natured nun by the shoulders and shake her, crying: “Don't you know that I'm a human being, unhappy and alone, and I want comfort and sympathy and encouragement; oh, can't you turn a minute away from God and give me a little compassion; not the Christian compassion that you have for all suffering things, but just human compassion for me?” The thought brought a smile to Kitty's lips: how very surprised Sister St. Joseph would be! She would certainly be convinced of what now she only suspected, that all English people were mad.

“Fortunately I am a very good sailor,” Kitty answered. “I've never been sea-sick yet.”

The Mother Superior returned with a small, neat parcel.

“They're handkerchiefs that I've had made for the nameday of my mother,” she said. “The initials have been embroidered by our young girls.”

Sister St. Joseph suggested that Kitty would like to see how beautifully the work was done and the Mother Superior with an indulgent, deprecating smile untied the parcel. The handkerchiefs were of very fine lawn and the initials embroidered in a complicated cipher were surmounted by a crown of strawberry leaves. When Kitty had properly admired the workmanship, the handkerchiefs were wrapped up again and the parcel handed to her. Sister St. Joseph, with an “Eh bien, Madame, je vous quitte” and a repetition of her polite and impersonal salutations, went away. Kitty realized that this was the moment to take her leave of the Superior. She thanked her for her kindness to her. They walked together along the bare, white-washed corridors.

“Would it be asking too much of you to register the parcel when you arrive at Marseilles?” said the Superior.

“Of course I'll do that,” said Kitty.

She glanced at the address. The name seemed very grand, but the place mentioned attracted her attention.

“But that is one of the châteaux I've seen. I was motoring with friends in France.”

“It is very possible,” said the Mother Superior. “Strangers are permitted to view it on two days a week.”

“I think if I had ever lived in such a beautiful place I should never have had the courage to leave it.”

“It is of Course a historical monument. It is scarcely intimate. If I regretted anything it would not be that, but the little château that we lived in when I was a child. It was in the Pyrenees. I was born within sound of the sea. I do not deny that sometimes I should like to hear the waves beating against the rocks.”

Kitty had an idea that the Mother Superior, divining her thought and the reason for her remarks, was slyly making fun of her. But they reached the little, unpretentious door of the convent. To Kitty's surprise the Mother Superior took her in her arms and kissed her. The pressure of her pale lips on Kitty's cheeks, she kissed her first on one side and then on the other, was so unexpected that it made her flush and inclined to cry.

“Good-bye, God bless you, my dear child.” She held her for a moment in her arms. “Remember that it is nothing to do your duty, that is demanded of you and is no more meritorious than to wash your hands when they are dirty; the only thing that counts is the love of duty; when love and duty are one, then grace is in you and you will enjoy a happiness which passes all understanding.”

The convent door closed for the last time behind her.

第六十八章

一周过去了。凯蒂正在缝纫的时候，院长嬷嬷走进了屋子坐在了她的身边。她认真地看了看凯蒂的活儿。

“你的针线活儿真不错，我亲爱的。如今像你这样的年轻女子能做出这么漂亮的针线活儿可真不多了。”

“您过奖了，嬷嬷。”

“我敢肯定你母亲再次见到你一定会很高兴的。”

凯蒂抬头看了看嬷嬷，院长嬷嬷说话的样子可不像出于礼貌跟她随便说说的。她继续说道：

“在你亲爱的丈夫去世后，我还允许你来这儿是因为我想工作可能会分散你的注意力，而且，我认为你也不适合在这个时候长途跋涉自己一个人回香港，我也不希望你独守空房，除了追思你的丈夫无事可做。但现在已经过去八天了，是你离开的时候了。”

“我不想走，嬷嬷，我想留在这儿。”

“你待在这儿没有什么意义了。本来你是和你丈夫一起来的这儿，现在你的丈夫已经去世了，你又怀孕了，过不了多久就需要人照顾了，可在这儿不可能得到关注和照顾。我亲爱的孩子，为了大家的利益，用你的力量去做任何事是你的责任，也是上帝托付给你的重任。”

凯蒂沉默了一会儿，低下了头。

“我一直以为我在这儿还有些用处。对我来说，我特别满意现在的状态，我希望您能允许我继续我的工作，直到瘟疫结束的那一天。”

“我们很感激你为我们所做的一切。”院长带着一丝微笑说道，“但是现在瘟疫疫情正在减弱，来这儿的风险也不是那么大了，我正等着从广州来的修女。她们应该很快就能到了，等她们到了，我想我就不再急需你为我们工作了。”

凯蒂的心沉了下去，院长嬷嬷的口气不容商量，她很了解嬷嬷的为人，知道她再怎么恳求，嬷嬷也会无动于衷的。嬷嬷发现有必要和凯蒂讲道理，所以她说话的语气有所缓和，虽然听上去难免刺激人，至少不是那么专横。

“威廷顿先生也好心地征求了我的建议。”

“我希望他能管好自己的事情。”凯蒂打断道。

“如果他没有这样做的话，我们还是一样会觉得有义务给他这样的建议。”院长嬷嬷柔声说道，“至少在目前，你的岗位不在这儿，你应该和你母亲在一起。威廷顿先生已经和余上校安排好了，派一个健壮的士兵护送你，你在旅途中绝对安全，而且他还安排了轿夫和苦力。女仆也随你一块儿走，在你经过的城市都做了相应的安排。事实上，为了尽量让你旅途舒适安全，大家已经把一切都安排好了。”

凯蒂咬紧了嘴唇，她觉得在事关她自己的问题上，他们至少应该事先征求一下她的意见。她不得不控制住自己的情绪，为了不让回答显得尖酸刻薄。

“我什么时候动身？”

院长嬷嬷仍然相当平静。

“你越早回去越好，先回香港然后再坐船回英国，我亲爱的孩子，我们认为你最好在后天黎明动身。”

“够早的。”

凯蒂觉得有点儿想哭，但是她看清楚了一点，这儿已经没有她的立足之地了。

“好像你们所有人都急于摆脱我。”她难过地说道。

凯蒂意识到院长知道自己的态度后似乎松了一口气，她看出了凯蒂已经准备让步了，但没想到她还能用这么彬彬有礼的口吻来说话。凯蒂是很有幽默感的，她的眼睛眨着，好像在说，即使是圣徒也喜欢自己表达意见的方式。

“别以为我不知道你是个心肠很好的人，我亲爱的孩子，还有你令人钦佩的悲悯之心让你不愿意放弃加在自己身上的责任。”

凯蒂茫然若失地凝视着前方，轻轻地耸了耸肩，知道自己并不具备这些高尚的品德，她想留下是因为实在无处可去。这真是一种奇怪的感觉，好像这个世界上没人在乎她的生死。

“我不能理解你为什么不愿意回家。”院长嬷嬷亲切地追问道，“在这个国度有那么多的外国人，他们不计代价地想得到你这样的运气！”

“但是，他们中不包括你，嬷嬷，对吗？”

“噢，对我们来说情况不同，我亲爱的孩子。当来到这儿的时候，我们就知道要永远地离开家园了。”

出于自己受伤的感情，凯蒂的心头涌现出一种愿望，也许还有点儿敌意，那就是想探究一下对信仰的热爱如何把这些修女变得不食人间烟火，对所有自然的感情都有了超然的免疫力的。她想看看院长嬷嬷身上是否还留有人性的弱点。

“我应该想到有时再也见不到那些对你很亲的人，还有你成长的环境，确实是挺难受的。”

院长嬷嬷犹豫了一会儿，但是在一旁观察她的凯蒂看到，在她美丽和严峻的脸上，那份平静安详丝毫没有改变。

“对我的母亲来说是挺难受的，她现在已经很老了，因为我是她唯一的女儿，在她死之前，她特别希望能够再看我一眼，我也希望能满足她的愿望，但是那是不可能的，我们只能等着在天堂见面了。”

“还是一样，当一个人想到那些自己在他们心目中很重要的人，让这个人断绝与他们的联系还是很困难的，即使这个人这么做是对的。”

“你是在问我是否为自己的行为感到后悔吗？”突然，院长嬷嬷的脸上容光焕发了，“绝不，绝没有，我已经把琐碎、无价值的生活变成了具有牺牲精神、奉献上帝的生活。”

又有了一阵短暂的沉默，然后院长嬷嬷流露出一种更为轻快的态度，笑着说：

“我想托你帮我带一个小包裹，当你到达马赛的时候，把它邮寄出去。我不愿意把它交给中国的邮局寄送。我去取它，马上就回来。”

“你可以明天再给我。”凯蒂说道。

“明天你可能太忙了，来不了这儿了，我亲爱的，我想今天晚上就跟我们道别可能对你更方便些。”

她站起身，带着端庄——这种态度是她宽大的修女服无法遮盖的——离开了房间。过了一会儿，圣约瑟夫修女进来了。她是来跟凯蒂告别的，祝愿她旅途顺利，并安慰她说一路上会很安全的，因为余上校派了一个强壮的卫兵护送她，其实其他姐妹都是自己来的，也没有什么不测。她还问凯蒂喜不喜欢大海，当印度洋上有暴风雨时，凯蒂会不会晕船。她说，凯蒂的母亲大人看到她的女儿肯定会高兴的。她叮嘱凯蒂一定要照顾好自己，毕竟现在她还需要照顾好肚子里的另一个小生命，她们都会为她祈祷的，她自己会不断地为她祈祷，为亲爱的小宝贝祈祷，为可怜的、勇敢的医生的灵魂祈祷。她喋喋不休地、友好而动情地说着。然而，凯蒂深深地感知到圣约瑟夫修女就是一个没有肉体或物质的幽灵。她突然有种狂野的冲动，要抓住这个粗壮的、天性善良的修女的肩膀，摇晃她，大声喊着：“你不知道我是个有血有肉不幸而孤独的人吗，我想得到安慰、同情和鼓励。哦，你就不能有片刻离开上帝给我一点儿怜悯吗，不是那种你给所有受苦众生的基督教的怜悯，而是有人情味的怜悯？”这念头让凯蒂嘴角露出了微笑，圣约瑟夫修女会大吃一惊的！现在她当然会更加确信——原来她只是怀疑——所有的英国人都是疯子。

“幸运的是，我在海上航行什么事也没有。”凯蒂回答道，“我从不晕船。”

院长嬷嬷回来了，手上拿着一个包得很齐整的小包裹。

“它们是些手帕，是我以前为我母亲的命名日[1]做的。”她说道，“名字的首字母是我们年轻的女孩子们绣上去的。”

圣约瑟夫修女建议凯蒂看一下这些手帕有多么的漂亮，院长嬷嬷带着一种宽容的、不以为然的微笑解开了包裹。手帕的材料是上等的细麻布，名字的首字母是用一种复杂的花体字形绣上去的，而且顶上还覆盖着草莓叶的花冠。凯蒂适当地赞扬了手帕的工艺精湛之后，嬷嬷把手帕又包上了，把包裹递给了她。圣约瑟夫修女说道：“好吧，夫人，我们就此别过。”[2]接着又重复着她礼貌和没有什么个人感情的祝愿，然后离开了。凯蒂认识到这一刻她该跟院长嬷嬷告别了，她感谢了院长嬷嬷对她的照顾，她们沿着空无一人的、抹着白灰的走廊并肩走着。

“你到达马赛后，邮寄这个包裹不会给你增加太多的不便吧？”院长问道。

“当然不会，我很乐意效劳。”凯蒂说道。

她瞥了一眼地址，地名似乎是一个很有名的地方，这个地方吸引了她的注意力。

“这个庄园我参观过，我在法国和朋友开车去过很多地方。”

“很有可能。”院长嬷嬷说道，“一周有两天，庄园对外人开放。”

“我觉得如果有幸能住在这么一个美丽的地方，我绝不会有勇气离开它的。”

“当然，它是一个历史遗迹，庄严肃穆。如果说真正让我留恋的，倒不是这个庄园，而是我小时候住的一个小庄园，它位于比利牛斯山脉，我出生在海边，我不否认有时我还想听听海浪拍击岩石的声音。”

凯蒂产生了一种想法——院长嬷嬷在窥测她的想法和说这些话的原因，然后偷偷地取笑她。但是，当她们走到修道院矮小、朴素的大门时，让凯蒂吃了一惊的是，院长嬷嬷把她搂在怀里，并亲吻了她。她苍白的嘴唇压到凯蒂的脸颊上，先是亲吻了一侧，然后又亲吻了另一侧，这大大出乎她的意料，使得她满脸通红，想放声大哭。

“再见，上帝保佑你，我亲爱的孩子。”她把凯蒂揽在怀中好一会儿，“记住，那跟你的责任无关，而是对你的要求，在你手脏时，把它们洗净，不是什么值得称赞的事，唯一值得称道的事是对责任的爱，爱和责任合二为一时，你就有了慈悲，你将拥有一种无以言表的幸福。”

修道院的大门最后一次在她的身后关上了。

* * *

[1]命名日（nameday），是和本人同名的圣徒纪念日，源于基督教会对圣徒和受难者举行纪念的节日。

[2]原文为法语。