双语·面纱 第七十八章

78

As the ship steamed into Marseilles, Kitty, looking at the rugged and beautiful outline of the coast glowing in the sunlight, on a sudden caught sight of the golden statue of the Blessed Virgin which stands upon the church of Sainte Marie de la Grace as a symbol of safety to the mariner at sea. She remembered how the Sisters of the convent at Mei-tan-fu, leaving their own land for ever, had knelt as the figure faded in the distance so that it was no more than a little golden flame in the blue sky and sought in prayer to allay the pang of separation. She clasped her hands in supplication to what power she knew not.

During the long, quiet journey she had thought incessantly of the horrible thing that had happened to her. She could not understand herself. It was so unexpected. What was it that had seized her, so that, despising him, despising him with all her heart, she had yielded passionately to Charlie's foul embrace? Rage filled her and disgust of herself obsessed her. She felt that she could never forget her humiliation. She wept. But as the distance from Hong Kong increased she found that she was insensibly losing the vividness of her resentment. What had happened seemed to have happened in another world. She was like a person who has been stricken with sudden madness and recovering is distressed and ashamed at the grotesque things he vaguely remembers to have done when he was not himself. But because he knows he was not himself he feels that in his own eyes at least he can claim indulgence. Kitty thought that perhaps a generous heart might pity rather than condemn her. But she sighed as she thought how woefully her self-confidence had been shattered. The way had seemed to stretch before her straight and easy and now she saw that it was a tortuous way and that pitfalls awaited her. The vast spaces and the tragic and beautiful sunsets of the Indian Ocean rested her. She seemed borne then to some country where she might in freedom possess her soul. If she could only regain her self-respect at the cost of a bitter conflict, well, she must find the courage to affront it.

The future was lonely and difficult. At Port Said she had received a letter from her mother in answer to her cable. It was a long letter written in the large and fanciful writing which was taught to young ladies in her mother's youth. Its ornateness was so neat that it gave you an impression of insincerity. Mrs. Garstin expressed her regret at Walter's death and sympathised properly with her daughter's grief. She feared that Kitty was left inadequately provided for, but naturally the Colonial Office would give her a pension. She was glad to know that Kitty was coming back to England and of course she must come and stay with her father and mother till her child was born. Then followed certain instructions that Kitty must be sure to follow and various details of her sister Doris's confinement. The little boy weighed so and so much and his paternal grandfather said he had never seen a finer child. Doris was expecting again and they hoped for another boy in order to make the succession to the baronetcy quite sure.

Kitty saw that the point of the letter lay in the definite date set for the invitation. Mrs. Garstin had no intention of being saddled with a widowed daughter in modest circumstances. It was singular, when she reflected how her mother had idolized her, that now, disappointed in her, she found her merely a nuisance. How strange was the relation between parents and children! When they were small the parents doted on them, passed through agonies of apprehension at each childish ailment, and the children clung to their parents with love and adoration; a few years passed, the children grew up, and persons not of their kin were more important to their happiness than father or mother. Indifference displaced the blind and instinctive love of the past. Their meetings were a source of boredom and irritation. Distracted once at the thought of a month's separation they were able now to look forward with equanimity to being parted for years. Her mother need not worry: as soon as she could she would make herself a home of her own. But she must have a little time; at present everything was vague and she could not form any picture of the future: perhaps she would die in childbirth; that would be a solution of many difficulties.

But when they docked two letters were handed to her. She was surprised to recognize her father's writing: she did not remember that he had ever written to her. He was not effusive, and began: Dear Kitty. He told her that he was writing instead of her mother who had not been well and was obliged to go into a nursing home to have an operation. Kitty was not to be frightened and was to keep to her intention of going round by sea; it was much more expensive to come across by land and with her mother away it would be inconvenient for Kitty to stay at the house in Harrington Gardens. The other was from Doris and it started: Kitty darling, not because Doris had any particular affection for her, but because it was her way thus to address everyone she knew.

Kitty darling

I expect Father has written to you. Mother has got to have an operation. It appears that she has been rotten for the last year, but you know she hates doctors and she's been taking all sorts of patent medicines. I don't quite know what's the matter with her as she insists on making a secret of the whole thing and flies into a passion if you ask her questions. She has been looking simply awful and if I were you I think I'd get off at Marseilles and come back as quick as you can. But don't let on that I told you to come as she pretends there's nothing much the matter with her and she doesn't want you to get here till she's back at home. She's made the doctors promise that she shall be moved in a week. Best love.

DORIS

I'm awfully sorry about Walter. You must have had a hell of a time, poor darling. I'm simply dying to see you. It's rather funny our both having babies together. We shall be able to hold one another's hands.

Kitty, lost in reflection, stood for a little while on the deck. She could not imagine her mother ill. She never remembered to have seen her other than active and resolute; she had always been impatient of other people's ailments. Then a steward came up to her with a telegram.

Deeply regret to inform you that your mother died this morning. Father.

第七十八章

当船抵达马赛的时候，凯蒂正在看着崎岖而美丽的海岸线在阳光的照耀下泛着红色，突然金色的圣母玛利亚的雕像映入了眼帘，它矗立在圣母教堂的顶端，作为一种象征守护着大海上水手们的安全。她还记得湄潭府修道院的那些修女，在永远地离开故土的那一刻，如何向着雕像跪拜，当雕像渐渐远去，在蓝色天空的映衬下，变成了一小团金色的火焰，她们又用祈祷来寻求减轻心中与故土家人分别的痛苦。她握紧双手，祈愿某种自己也不知道的力量来支撑她。

在漫长、安静的航行中，她不停地想到发生在自己身上的那些可怕的事情。她都无法理解自己，一切均是出乎意料的。究竟是什么使她鬼迷心窍，尽管她鄙视他，而且全身心地鄙视他，可竟然会激动地半推半就地倒在了他肮脏的怀抱中？愤怒填满了她的内心，对自己的厌恶纠缠着她，她觉得自己决不能忘记这个羞辱，她又忍不住哭了。但是，随着离香港越来越远，她发现自己不知不觉地把原来很清晰的怨恨之情慢慢地淡忘了。她好像是一个突然发了疯病的人，完全失去了控制，恢复了以后，还模模糊糊记得自己荒诞不经的行为，并为此感到懊恼和羞愧。但因为她知道那不是真正的自己，所以在她自己的眼中，至少她可以求得人们的原谅。凯蒂就想，也许宽宏大量的人们可以为她惋惜，而不是谴责她。但当她悲伤地想到自信已经被击得粉碎，不禁叹了口气。原来在她面前的道路似乎伸展得笔直，但是现在她看到的是弯弯曲曲的道路，无数的陷阱在等着她。印度洋无垠的洋面和凄美的日落让她放松了一些，她似乎来到了某个国度，在这里她的灵魂可以得到自由。如果她得经过苦痛的挣扎才能重获自尊的话，那么好吧，她必须找到勇气来面对它。

未来是孤独和艰难的。在赛德港她收到了一封来自她母亲的信件，是对她拍发电报的回复。这封长信是用大号的花体字写成，这种字体是她母亲年轻时，年轻女士们需要学习的一种技能，华丽的字体非常整洁，给你一种不是很真诚的印象。贾斯汀夫人在信中对沃尔特的去世表达了她的哀悼，对她女儿的悲痛恰当地表示了慰问，她害怕凯蒂日后的生活会发生困难，但是殖民地当局自然会给她一笔抚恤金。她很高兴凯蒂将很快回到英国，显然凯蒂也有必要回来和她的父母待在一起，直到她的孩子出生。接下来的话是指导凯蒂在孕期一定要注意的事项，以及她妹妹多瑞丝妊娠期间的各种细节。多瑞丝的儿子出生时又大又重，他的爷爷说，他从来没见过比他更壮实的孩子了。多瑞丝又怀孕了，他们希望最好还是个男孩，好让准男爵的爵位万无一失地继承下去。

凯蒂看出了这封信的要点就是为邀请设定一个确切的日期，即使这个邀请有点儿勉为其难。贾斯汀夫人并不打算为一个处于窘迫境地的、做了寡妇的女儿背上经济负担。真是奇怪，她母亲在小时非常宠爱她，而现在却对她很失望，把她当作了累赘。父母和子女之间的关系是多么奇怪呀！当他们小的时候，父母溺爱他们，每当他们闹点儿小病小灾，父母就紧张害怕得不得了，而孩子们也依赖父母，对他们满是爱和崇拜。多少年过去了，孩子们长大了，一些跟他们没有血缘关系的人，对于他们幸福与否的重要性会比他们的父亲或母亲更甚。冷漠取代了过去盲目和本能的爱。父母与孩子的见面会成为无聊和恼怒的来源。曾经一想到有一个月的分离，他们便牵肠挂肚，而现在他们反而期待多分开几年落得个清净。她的母亲真的不必担心，凯蒂一到英国，就会尽快找地方安顿下来，但是她必须得有点儿时间。目前，一切都不太明朗，她还构建不出任何一个有关未来的规划，也许她会死于难产，那对于很多难题来说倒不失为一种解决方案。

船到了码头，有人把两封信交给了她。她很吃惊，因为认出了那是他父亲的笔迹，他从来没给她写过信，而且不怎么流露感情。信以“亲爱的凯蒂”开头，在信中，他告诉她他代替她母亲给她写信是因为她母亲身体欠安，不得不去一家小型私人医院做一个手术。凯蒂没有感到特别的担心，还是打算通过绕点儿远坐船回家，因为从陆路上走要贵得多，而且她母亲不在家，对于凯蒂待在哈灵顿花园的家中多有不便。另一封信来自多瑞丝，信是这样开头的：“凯蒂宝贝”。倒不是因为多瑞丝对她有什么特殊的感情，而是她对每一个认识的人都这么称呼。

凯蒂宝贝：

我希望父亲已经给你写了信。母亲不得不去做一个手术。她好像去年就不太舒服了，但是你知道她这个人讳疾忌医，而且她一直在吃各种专卖药，我不知道她到底得了什么病，因为她坚持对整个病情保守秘密，如果你问她这方面的问题，她会暴跳如雷。她看上去很糟糕，如果我是你的话，我就会从马赛下船，然后尽可能快地回来。但是不要让她知道我告诉你要赶紧回来，因为她还假装她的身体无大碍，她还想在你到家之前回来呢，她让医生承诺她一周之内出院。

爱你的多瑞丝

对于沃尔特的事，我感到特别难过。你一定度过了一段难熬的时间，可怜的宝贝。我非常期待见到你，我们俩一起怀上了孩子，真好玩，我们可以握握手了。

凯蒂站在甲板上，陷入了沉思。她不能想象她母亲会生病，她记得什么时候看见她都是精力充沛，意志坚强，对别人的头疼脑热总是不耐烦。这时，一个船员过来递给了她一封电报。

非常悲痛地通知你，你母亲今晨逝世。父亲。