双语·面纱 第七十七章

77

But next morning Kitty rose early and leaving a note for Dorothy to say that she was gone out on business took a tram down the hill. She made her way through the crowded streets with their motor-cars, rickshaws and chairs, and the motley throng of Europeans and Chinese, to the offices of the P. & O. Company. A ship was sailing in two days, the first ship out of the port, and she had made up her mind that at all costs she must go on it. When the clerk told her that every berth was booked she asked to see the chief agent. She sent in her name and the agent, whom she had met before, came out to fetch her into his office. He knew her circumstances and when she told him what she wished he sent for the passenger list. He looked at it with perplexity.

“I beseech you to do what you can for me,” she urged him.

“I don't think there's any one in the Colony who wouldn't do anything in the world for you, Mrs. Fane,” he answered.

He sent for a clerk and made enquiries. Then he nodded.

“I'm going to shift one or two people. I know you want to get home and I think we ought to do our best for you. I can give you a little cabin to yourself. I expect you'd prefer that.”

She thanked him. She left him with an elated heart. Flight: that was her only thought. Flight! She sent a cable to her father to announce her immediate return; she had already cabled to him to say that Walter was dead; and then went back to the Townsends' to tell Dorothy what she had done.

“We shall be dreadfully sorry to lose you,” the kind creature said, “but of course I understand that you want to be with your mother and father.”

Since her return to Hong Kong Kitty had hesitated from day to day to go to her house. She dreaded entering it again and meeting face to face the recollections with which it was peopled. But now she had no alternative. Townsend had arranged for the sale of the furniture and he had found some one eager to take on the lease, but there were all her clothes and Walter's, for they had taken next to nothing to Mei-tan-fu, and there were books, photographs, and various odds and ends. Kitty, indifferent to everything and anxious to cut herself off completely from the past, realized that it would outrage the susceptibilities of the Colony if she allowed these things to go with the rest to an auction-room. They must be packed and sent to her. So after tiffin she prepared to go to the house. Dorothy, eager to give her help, offered to accompany her, but Kitty begged to be allowed to go alone. She agreed that two of Dorothy's boys should come and assist in the packing.

The house had been left in charge of the head boy and he opened the door for Kitty. It was curious to go into her own house as though she were a stranger. It was neat and clean. Everything was in its place, ready for her use, but although the day was warm and sunny there was about the silent rooms a chill and desolate air. The furniture was stiffly arranged, exactly where it should be, and the vases which should have held flowers were in their places; the book which Kitty had laid face downwards she did not remember when still lay face downwards. It was as though the house had been left empty but a minute before and yet that minute was fraught with eternity so that you could not imagine that ever again that house would echo with talk and resound with laughter. On the piano the open music of a foxtrot seemed to wait to be played, but you had a feeling that if you struck the keys no sound would come. Walter's room was as tidy as when he was there. On the chest of drawers were two large photographs of Kitty, one in her presentation dress and one in her wedding gown.

But the boys fetched up the trunks from the box-room and she stood over them watching them pack. They packed neatly and quickly. Kitty reflected that in the two days she had it would be easy to get everything done. She must not let herself think; she had no time for that. Suddenly she heard a step behind her and turning round saw Charles Townsend. She felt a sudden chill at her heart.

“What do you want?” she said.

“Will you come into your sitting-room? I have something to say to you.”

“I'm very busy.”

“I shall only keep you five minutes.”

She said no more, but with a word to the boys to go on with what they were doing, preceded Charles into the next room. She did not sit down, in order to show him that she expected him not to detain her. She knew that she was very pale and her heart was beating fast, but she faced him coolly, with hostile eyes.

“What is it you want?”

“I've just heard from Dorothy that you're going the day after tomorrow. She told me that you'd come here to do your packing and she asked me to ring up and find out if there was anything I could do for you.”

“I'm grateful to you, but I can manage quite well by myself.”

“So I imagined. I didn't come here to ask you that. I came to ask if your sudden departure is due to what happened yesterday.”

“You and Dorothy have been very good to me. I didn't wish you to think I was taking advantage of your good nature.”

“That's not a very straight answer.”

“What does it matter to you?”

“It matters a great deal. I shouldn't like to think that anything I'd done had driven you away.”

She was standing at the table. She looked down. Her eyes fell on the Sketch. It was months old now. It was that paper which Walter had stared at all through the terrible evening when--and Walter now was… She raised her eyes.

“I feel absolutely degraded. You can't possibly despise me as much as I despise myself.”

“But I don't despise you. I meant every word that I said yesterday. What's the good of running away like this? I don't know why we can't be good friends. I hate the idea of your thinking I've treated you badly.”

“Why couldn't you leave me alone?”

“Hang it all, I'm not a stick or a stone. It's so unreasonable, the way you look at it; it's so morbid. I thought after yesterday you'd feel a little more kindly to me. After all, we're only human.”

“I don't feel human. I feel like an animal. A pig or a rabbit or a dog. Oh, I don't blame you, I was just as bad. I yielded to you because I wanted you. But it wasn't the real me. I'm not that hateful, beastly, lustful woman. I disown her. It wasn't me that lay on that bed panting for you when my husband was hardly cold in his grave and your wife had been so kind to me, so indescribably kind. It was only the animal in me, dark and fearful like an evil spirit, and I disown, and hate, and despise it. And ever since, when I've thought of it, my gorge rises and I feel that I must vomit.”

He frowned a little and gave a short, uneasy snigger.

“Well, I'm fairly broadminded, but sometimes you say things that positively shock me.”

“I should be sorry to do that. You'd better go now. You're a very unimportant little man and I'm silly to talk to you seriously.”

He did not answer for a while and she saw by the shadow in his blue eyes that he was angry with her. He would heave a sigh of relief when, tactful and courteous as ever, he had finally seen her off. It amused her to think of the politeness with which, while they shook hands and he wished her a pleasant journey, she would thank him for his hospitality. But she saw his expression change.

“Dorothy tells me you're going to have a baby,” he said.

She felt herself color, but she allowed no gesture to escape her.

“I am.”

“Am I by any chance the father?”

“No, no. It's Walter's child.”

She spoke with an emphasis which she could not prevent, but even as she spoke she knew that it was not the tone with which to carry conviction.

“Are you sure?” He was now roguishly smiling. “After all, you were married to Walter a couple of years and nothing happened. The dates seem to fit all right. I think it's much more likely to be mine than Walter's.”

“I would rather kill myself than have a child of yours.”

“Oh, come now, that's nonsense. I should be awfully pleased and proud. I'd like it to be a girl, you know. I've only had boys with Dorothy. You won't be able to be in doubt very long, you know: my three kiddies are absolutely the living image of me.”

He had regained his good humor and she knew why. If the child was his, though she might never see him again, she could never entirely escape him. His power over her would reach out and he would still, obscurely but definitely, influence every day of her life.

“You really are the most vain and fatuous ass that it's ever been my bad luck to run across,” she said.

第七十七章

第二天早上，凯蒂早早地就起床了，给多萝西留了张字条，告诉她自己出去办点儿事，坐有轨电车下山了。街道上汽车、黄包车和轿椅拥挤不堪，她穿过熙熙攘攘的街道、混杂着白人和华人的人流，来到了半岛东方轮船公司的办事处前。一艘轮船已经离开了港口，而另一艘轮船将在两天后启程。她已经下定决心不惜一切代价要坐上这趟船。职员告诉她船舱的每一个铺位都已经预订出去了，她要求见一下负责人。她让职员把她的名字转告了这位负责人，这位负责人她以前见过，亲自出来把她迎进了办公室。他知道她的情况，所以当她告诉他希望能乘下一趟轮船离开的时候，他刚开始觉得有点儿为难。

“我请求您尽量帮帮我。”她向他强烈要求道。

“我想在殖民地没人会不愿意为您效劳的，费恩太太。”他回答道。

他派了一个职员去询问了一圈，然后点头道：

“我打算把一两个人的轮船班次调整一下，我明白您想回家的心情，我想我们应该尽最大努力来帮助您。我能给您安排一个独间的小船舱，希望您能满意。”

她谢了他，兴高采烈地离开了。远走高飞，这是她唯一的念头。马上离开！她拍了一封电报给她父亲，通知了她的归期。她已经给他拍过一封电报告诉他沃尔特去世了。随后，她回到了查理的家，告诉了多萝西她所做的事。

“我们特别遗憾你要走了。”善良的多萝西说道，“但是，我能够理解你想和父母待在一起的心情。”

自从凯蒂回到香港以后，她每天都在犹豫要不要回自己家看看。她害怕再次踏进家门，害怕回忆起过去那些她住在这里时的场景。可是现在她已经别无选择了，查理已经安排出售家具了，也已经找到一个急于续租的人。但是屋里还都是她和沃尔特的衣服，因为去湄潭府的时候，他们几乎没拿什么衣服。还有书、照片和其他零碎的东西。凯蒂对每件东西都无所谓了，只是急于把自己完全和过去的一切切断联系，但她认识到如果把这些私人的东西和其他物品都交到拍卖行里去拍卖，她怕会伤害殖民地上层人们脆弱的感情。所以，这些东西需要打包，然后运回给她。中午饭后，她准备去趟自己的家。多萝西热切地想帮她，主动要求陪她去，但凯蒂请求让她自己独自一个人去，她同意多萝西派她的两个男仆过来帮忙打包。

这栋房子留给了一个管家帮忙照看，他为凯蒂打开了门。她走进自己的房子，但好像一切都很陌生，这真有些奇怪。房间依旧整洁和干净，每件东西都摆在原来的位置，时刻准备供主人使用，虽然天很暖和而且阳光灿烂，但这间静悄悄的屋子里却有种阴冷和荒凉的气息。家具和原来一样呆板地摆放在原处，插着鲜花的花瓶也还在原来的位置，凯蒂倒扣着的书——她都忘记了——依然脸朝下倒扣着。好像这栋房子刚刚在一分钟前被腾空，但时间也就在那一刻定格了，你无法相信这栋房屋中曾经回荡着谈话声和笑声。钢琴上摊开的狐步舞曲的乐谱似乎等待着有人来弹，但是你可能有一种感觉，如果你敲击了琴键，却发现没有声音发出来。沃尔特的房间如同他生前一样整洁，一个橱柜上放着凯蒂的两张大照片，一张是她穿着礼服照的，一张是她的婚纱照。

男仆们从储藏室拿出了箱子，她站在那儿看着他们捆扎打包，他们打包打得整齐利索，凯蒂考虑了两天，她能很轻易地把一切东西都搞定，她不许自己胡思乱想，她没那个工夫。突然，她听到身后有脚步声，转过身去看到了查理。她心里一凉。

“你想干什么？”她问道。

“你能到客厅来一下吗？我有话要跟你说。”

“我很忙。”

“我只占用你五分钟的时间。”

她不再说什么了，只是告诉男仆们继续干手里的活，然后跟着查理走进了隔壁的房间。她没有坐下，为了让他明白别耽误她太久。她知道自己脸色苍白，心怦怦跳着，但还是冷冷地看着他，目光中充满敌意。

“你想干什么？”

“我刚从多萝西那儿听说你后天就要走了，她告诉我你来这儿打包行李，她让我打个电话问问，是否需要我帮忙。”

“十分感谢，但我自己完全能应付得来。”

“我猜也是，我过来不是问你这个的，我过来是想问问你突然决定离开是不是因为昨天发生的事。”

“你和多萝西对我都很好，我不希望你认为我是在利用你们的好心，故意赖着不走。”

“你还没有明确回答我的问题。”

“你觉得那对你重要吗？”

“重要得不得了，我不想是我做了什么事把你逼走的。”

她站在桌子边，低下了头，她的目光落到了《摘要报》上，那是几个月前的旧报纸了，就是这份报纸，沃尔特在那个可怕的傍晚，一直盯着它——而现在沃尔特已经……她抬起了眼睛。

“我觉得自己绝对是堕落了。你鄙视我可能还不如我鄙视自己更甚。”

“但是我并不鄙视你。我昨天说的每个字都是真心的。你何必像这样匆匆跑掉？我不知道为什么我们不能成为好朋友，我讨厌你这样看我，认为我对你不好。”

“为什么你不能让我一个人静静？”

“真见鬼，我不是一块木头或者石头，你对我的看法是没有道理的，是病态的。我以为经过昨天的事以后你会对我更亲近些，毕竟，我们都是人呢。”

“我不觉得自己是个人，我觉得自己像个动物，一头猪、一只兔子或者一条狗。哦，我不能责备你，我也一样坏。我屈服于你是因为我想要你。但那不是真正的我，我不是那个可恨的、兽性的、放荡的女人。我要和这样的女人脱离关系，那不是我——我的丈夫尸骨未寒，而你的妻子又一直对我那么好，别提有多好了——躺在床上为你喘息的人绝对不是我，她是附在我身上的动物，黑暗、可怕得就像恶魔一样，我否认、厌恶和鄙视她，从那时起，每当我想起她，我就会恶心得想吐。”

他皱了一下眉，发出一声短促、不安的笑声。

“好吧，我是个心胸十分开阔的人，但是有时你说的话，真的让我很震惊。”

“我很抱歉这么说。你最好现在就走吧，你是个无关紧要的小人，我这么认真地跟你讲话真是太傻了。”

他一时找不出什么话来回答，她看到他的蓝眼睛里掠过一丝阴影，他对她很生气。他最终还是会去送她，到时会费力地发出一声如释重负的叹息，就同以往一样机智老练，而又彬彬有礼。她一想到他会出于礼貌跟她握手，并祝她旅途愉快，就想笑，她会致谢他的热情好客。但是这时她看到他脸上的神色变了。

“多萝西告诉我你怀孕了。”他说道。

她觉得自己的脸色也变了，但是幸好还是保持了镇定。

“是的。”

“万一我是孩子的父亲呢？”

“不，不，是沃尔特的孩子。”

她忍不住特意做了强调，但是，话说出口后连她自己都觉得欲盖弥彰。

“你肯定吗？”他现在带着一脸无赖般的笑意，“毕竟，你嫁给沃尔特那么多年了，但什么事也没有发生，这日子似乎和我们在一起的日子正对得上，我认为是我骨肉的可能性比是沃尔特的更大。”

“我宁愿杀了我自己也不愿怀上你的孩子。”

“哦，算了吧，你这是胡说，我会十分开心和自豪的，我愿意是个女孩，你知道，我和多萝西只有男孩。谜底很快就会揭开的，你瞧，我的三个孩子和我简直是一个模子里刻出来的。”

他又找回了幽默风趣，她也知道他话里的意思。如果孩子是他的，虽然她再也不想见他了，但她从此再也无法逃避他。他的魔爪始终能够着她，他的淫威虽然看不见，摸不着，但绝对会影响她生活的每一天。

“你是一头最贪慕虚荣的蠢驴，我真是倒了大霉，这辈子撞上了你。”她说道。