相爱的规律 The law of love
Have you ever known a married couple that just didn't seem as though they should fit together -- yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you can't figure out why? I know of one couple: He is a burly ex-athlete. Meanwhile, his wife is petite, quiet and a complete homebody. She doesn't even go out to dinner.
你可曾认识一对看上去很不般配、可其婚姻却十分幸福的夫妇?其中的原因让你百思不得其解。我就认识这么一对。丈夫身材魁梧，曾是一名运动员，而她却是一位娇弱文静的小家碧玉，甚至不愿意出门上饭馆。
What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?
到底是什么神秘力量使我们投入到某个人的怀抱，而不是在旁观者眼里同样可取的另一位?
One of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus of medical psychology and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our " lovemap" -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell，body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether it's the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.
根据曾在约翰斯·霍普金斯大学从事医学心理学和儿科学的名誉退休教授约翰·莫奈的研究，在影响我们择偶的诸多因素中，最说明问题的是一种被称为"爱图"的东西：它是我们大脑中的一组编码信息，记载着我们的爱憎。它显示我们在头发、眼睛的颜色、声音、气味以及身材等方面的偏爱。它也记录什么样的人对我们具有吸引力，是热情友善的呢，还是坚强沉稳的那一类。
In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our lovemap. And this lovemap is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains
总之，我们爱恋和追求的人是最符合我们的爱图的那些人。而这张图在孩提时代就已定型。到8岁时，我们理想爱人的形象已经浮现在我们的脑海里了。
When we're little, our mother is the center of our attention, and we are the center of hers. So our mother's characteristics leave an indelible impression, we are forever attracted to people with her " facial features, body type, personality, even sense of humor. If our mother was warm and giving, as adults we tend to be attracted to people who are warm and giving. If our mother was strong and even-tempered, we are going to be attracted to a fair-minded strength in our mates.
小时候，母亲是我们生活的中心，而我们也是她生活的中心。于是母亲的特点给我们留下了无法抹去的影响。我们永远被与她的脸部特征、身材、个性乃至幽默感相似的人所吸引。如果我们的母亲是热情大方的，我们长大成人时就会被热情大方的人所吸引。如果我们的母亲是坚强而随和的，我们也将被这样的人所吸引。
The mother has an additional influence on her sons: she not only gives them clues to what they will find attractive in a mate, but also affects how they feel about women in general. So if she is warm and nice, her sons are going to think that's the way women are. They will likely grow up warm and responsive lovers and also be cooperative around the house.
母亲对儿子有一个额外影响：她不仅影响孩子如何选择配偶，而且对如何总体看待女人起了潜移默化的作用。因此，如果她是热情友好的，她的儿子们将认为妇女就是这样的。他们长大后也很可能成为热情和富有责任心的人，并且愿意承担部分家务。
Conversely, a mother who has a depressive personality, and is sometimes friendly but then suddenly turns cold and rejecting, may raise a man who becomes a dance-away lover. Because he's been so scared about love from his mother, he is afraid of commitment and may pull away from a girlfriend for this reason.
相反，一个忧郁的、时而友好时而变得冷酷或者排斥异己的母亲会培养出一个将来靠不住的恋人。因为他从母亲那里领略了恋爱的可怕之处，因此会害怕做出承诺，并为此与女朋友分道扬镳。
While the mother determines in large part what qualities attract us in a mate, it's the father -- the first male in our lives -- who influences how we relate to the opposite sex. Fathers have an enormous effect on their children's personalities and chances of marital happiness.
虽然母亲大体上决定我们挑选什么样的配偶，可是父亲--我们生活中的第一个男人--也影响了我们如何与异性交往。父亲对孩子们的个性及婚姻幸福的可能性具有巨大影响。
Just as mothers influence their son's general feelings toward women, fathers influence their daughter's general feelings about men. If a father lavishes praise on his daughter and demonstrates that she is a worthwhile person, she'll feel very good about herself in relation to men. But if the father is cold, critical or absent, the daughter will tend to feel she's not very lovable or attractive.
正如母亲影响儿子对女人的总体看法，父亲影响女儿对男人的态度。如果父亲对女儿大加赞扬，并表示她是一个可爱的人，她将会在与男人交往时自我感觉良好。但如果父亲是一个冷漠、喜欢挑剔或者心不在焉的人，女儿会感到自己不太可爱或者缺乏魅力。
What about opposites? Are they really attracted to each other? Yes and no. In many ways we want a mirror image of ourselves. Physically attractive people, for example, are usually drawn to a partner who's equally attractive.
异性双方的情况如何？他们是互相吸引吗？答案既是又非。在许多方面我们希望爱人像我们自己。比如，外貌出众的人通常被同样的人所吸引。
In addition, most of us grow up with people of similar social circumstances. We hang around with people in the same town; our friends have about the same educational backgrounds and career goals. We tend to be most comfortable with these people, and therefore we tend to link up with others whose families are often much like our own.
另外，我们大部分人与相同社会背景的人一起长大。我们与居住在同一城镇的人交往;我们的朋友有着同样的教育程度和事业理想。我们与这些人在一起感觉最舒服，因此更易于与出生类似于自己的人交朋友。
However, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. I know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional Irish family, who fell in love with an African-American Baptist. When they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. But 25 years later, the marriage is still strong.
然而，也有些人社会背景不同，可婚姻极其美满。我认识一个工人，他来自传统的爱尔兰裔家庭，却爱上了一个身为浸礼会教友的非裔美国人。他们结婚时，朋友和亲戚都预测婚姻会很快失败。可25年过去了，他们的婚姻依然坚如磐石。
Is there such a thing as" love at first sight" ?Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discovers a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality.
世界上有没有"一见钟情"的事？为什么没有？当人们被爱情迷住时，在那一瞬间他们也许发现共同拥有某种独特的东西。也许它很平常，比如他们正在阅读同一本书，或在同一个镇出生。同时他们也认识到对方有某些特征可以与自己互补。
I happen to be one of those who was struck by the magic wand. Milt and I were married for 39 years, until his death in 1989. And all that time we experienced a love called a " feeling of fusion, of oneness," even while we continued to change, grow and fulfill our lives.
我本人就是被爱情这一魔杖击中的人。米尔和我在一起生活了39年，直到他1989年去世。我们的爱情可谓"水乳交融、合二为一的感情"。甚至当我们不断发生变化、逐步成熟以及共同走完生命的历程时，这种感情始终如一。
