对总是说“是”的人来说，如何说“不”

对总是说“是”的人来说，如何说“不”

It can be tempting to say yes to things you just don't want to do. Might as well just get it done so nothing bad happens, right?

对你不想做的事情说“是”是很有诱惑力的。不如把它做完，这样就不会有什么不好的事情发生，对吧?

But there's a high price for constantly aiming to make other people happy.

但是，不断地以让别人快乐为目标是要付出高昂代价的。

"We suppress and repress who we are to please others," says Natalie Lue. She coaches people to curb their people-pleasing tendencies.

娜塔莉·卢说:“我们为了取悦别人而压抑自己。”她指导人们抑制取悦他人的倾向。

When your top priority is to be liked all the time, you aren't in touch with what you need. "You are going to find it very, very difficult to do what you need to do for you," Lue says.

当你的首要任务是让别人总是喜欢你的时候，你就无法得到你需要的东西。“你会发现做你需要做的事情是非常非常困难的，”卢说。

People pleasing isn't something that just pushovers do. Lue notes that perfectionists tend to be prone to people pleasing.

取悦别人不是弱者才会做的事。卢指出，完美主义者倾向于取悦别人。

The good news is that it's a changeable habit. Here are some tips that Lue recommends.

好消息是，这是一个可以改变的习惯。以下是卢推荐的一些建议。

Get some data

获得一些数据

Over a week, observe how you spend your time and energy. Lue recommends keeping note of how many times you say yes, no or maybe to a request. Don't judge it — just observe — she says.

在一周的时间里，观察你是如何花费时间和精力的。卢建议记录下你对某个请求说了多少次“是”、“不是”或者“可能”。她说，不要评判，观察就好。

"People pleasers do not have many no's or even maybes in that week," says Lue.

卢说:“在那一周，取悦别人的人不会说很多‘不’，甚至不会说‘可能’。”

Notice and record how each of those requests made you feel.

注意并记录每一个“请求”给你的感觉。

Along with collecting data about how many times you said no in a week, try documenting your energy level and your calendar. Did saying yes to too many things mean your days were too busy?

在收集你一周说了多少次“不”的数据的同时，试着记录下你的能量水平和日程表。对太多的事情说“是”是否意味着你的生活太忙了?

"We might look at our week [and realize], 'I spend, like, 90% of my week doing stuff that feels like I'm trapped. ... This is why I'm anxious,' " explains Lue.

“我们可能会审视自己的一周(然后意识到)，‘我一周90%的时间都在做那些让我感觉被困住了的事情……这就是我焦虑的原因，’”卢释道。

The next time someone asks you for something, assess your time and energy before taking on new responsibilities.

下次有人向你提出要求时，在承担新的责任之前评估一下自己的时间和精力。

"People are missing out on things that we actually do want to do because we've been too busy turning around and saying yes to stuff that we shouldn't," says Lue.

卢说:“人们错过了我们真正想做的事情，因为我们总是忙着回头去做那些我们不应该做的事情。”

Learn the difference between desire and obligation

学习愿望和义务之间的区别

Lue says gathering all this data helps distinguish between when you feel excited to say yes to something and when it feels like an obligation.

卢表示，收集所有这些数据有助于区分什么时候你感到兴奋地说“是”，什么时候它感觉像是一种义务。

"If you do things from a place of guilt or obligation, it is guaranteed to lead to resentment," she says. Because when a people pleaser doesn't see someone spending the same amount of time or energy on them, that can make the people pleaser feel robbed.

“如果你做事情是出于内疚或义务，那肯定会招致怨恨，”她说。因为当一个取悦别人的人没有看到别人花同样的时间和精力在他们身上时，会让这个取悦别人的人感到被敲诈了。

Start to notice the kinds of requests that align with your values or make you feel good.

开始注意那些符合你的价值观或让你感觉良好的要求。

Before you say yes, pause

在你答应之前，先暂停一下

So what do you do when there's an urge to please?

那么，当你迫切地想要取悦别人时，你会怎么做呢?

"There is great power in the pause," says Lue. Often a people pleaser jumps to say yes to get rid of any perceived tension or anxiety.

卢说:“停顿中蕴含着巨大的力量。”取悦别人的人通常会跳起来说“是”，以摆脱任何觉察到的紧张或焦虑。

Pausing not only buys you a little time but helps you assess what's really behind the request. Was this a demand? Or was it just a suggestion?

暂停不仅能给你赢得一点时间，还能帮助你评估请求背后的真正意图。这是要求吗?还是只是个建议?

Learn the art of the soft no

学会委婉地说“不”的艺术

Lue says there's a difference between a "hard no" and a "soft no." A hard no is clear, concise and brief — "No, thank you" or a "Thanks so much for asking. But I'm not able to this week."

卢说，强硬的“不”和委婉的“不”是有区别的。强硬的“不”是清楚的、简洁的、简短的—“不，谢谢你”或者“谢谢你的询问，但我这周没有时间。”

A soft no, for example: "Thank you so much for asking me to do this project. It sounds really exciting, but I don't have the time for it at this time."

一个委婉的“不”，例如：“非常感谢您让我做这个项目。这听起来真的很令人兴奋，但我现在没有足够的时间来做这件事”