双语·当呼吸化为空气 我开始感觉到间歇性发作的严重胸痛

接着，几个星期以后，我开始感觉到间歇性发作的严重胸痛。是不是工作的时候撞到什么，肋骨骨折了？偶尔我会在夜里惊醒，大汗淋漓，床单都被浸湿了。体重又开始迅速下降，而且速度更快了，从一百七十五磅急剧跌落到一百四十五磅，还不停地咳嗽。我对自己的病情已经不做他想了。一个周六的午后，露西和我躺在旧金山多洛雷斯公园的阳光下，等着见她的妹妹。她看了一眼我的手机屏幕，上面是医学数据库的搜索结果：“三十到四十岁人群癌症发病率”。
Then, a few weeks later, I began having bouts of severe chest pain. Had I bumped into something at work? Cracked a rib somehow? Some nights, I’d wake up on soaked sheets, dripping sweat. My weight began dropping again, more rapidly now, from 175 to 145 pounds. I developed a persistent cough. Little doubt remained. One Saturday afternoon, Lucy and I were lying in the sun in Dolores Park in San Francisco, waiting to meet her sister. She glimpsed my phone screen, which displayed medical database search results: “frequency of cancers in thirty-to forty-year-olds.”

“啊？”她说，“我没想到你真的在担心这个。”
“What?” she said. “I didn’t realize you were actually worried about this.”

我没有回答，也不知道该说什么。
I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say.

“你想跟我聊聊吗？”她问道。
“Do you want to tell me about it?” she asked.

她生气，是因为她也有过这样的担心；她生气，是因为我都没跟她提过只言片语；她生气，是因为我向她许诺的生活是一回事，给她的，又是另一回事。
She was upset because she had been worried about it, too. She was upset because I wasn’t talking to her about it. She was upset because I’d promised her one life, and given her another.

“求求你告诉我，为什么不愿意对我说真心话？”她问道。
“Can you please tell me why you aren’t confiding in me?” she asked.

我关掉手机。“咱们去买点冰激凌吧。”我说。
I turned off my phone. “Let’s get some ice cream,” I said.