双语·当呼吸化为空气 大学最后一年

大学最后一年，神经学课程快上完了，有一堂课讲神经科学与道德，我们去了一所疗养院，专门接收遭受过重度脑损伤的人。一走进接待区，就听到一阵忧伤的哭号。女导览三十多岁，亲切友好，向大家做了自我介绍。但我一直在搜寻哭号的来源。接待处的柜台后面有一台大屏幕电视，放着肥皂剧，但电视是静音状态。屏幕上有个蓝眼睛、浅黑肤色的女人，她的头发精心修饰过，有些激动地晃着头，哀求着画面外的某个人。镜头拉远，原来是她的情人，大大的下巴，一看就是那种声音沙哑粗重的男人。他们激情相拥。哭号声更大了。我走到近旁，往柜台下面看，电视机前铺着一块蓝色垫子，上面坐着个年轻女人，穿着家常的印花裙子，二十岁左右，双手握拳，压在眼睛上，身子剧烈地来回摇晃，哭啊哭啊哭啊。随着她的摇晃，我瞥见她的后脑勺，那里没有头发，只剩下一大片光秃秃的苍白头皮。
Senior year, in one of my last neuroscience classes, on neuroscience and ethics, we visited a home for people who had suffered severe brain injuries. We walked into the main reception area and were greeted by a disconsolate wailing. Our guide, a friendly thirty-something woman, introduced herself to the group, but my eyes hunted for the source of the noise. Behind the reception counter was a large-screen television showing a soap opera, on mute. A blue-eyed brunette with well-coiffed hair, her head shaking slightly with emotion, filled the screen as she pleaded with someone off camera; zoom out, and there was her strong-jawed, undoubtedly gravel-voiced lover; they embraced passionately. The wailing rose in pitch. I stepped closer to peer over the counter, and there, on a blue mat in front of the television, in a plain flower-print dress, was a young woman, maybe twenty, her hands balled into fists pressed into her eyes, violently rocking back and forth, wailing and wailing. As she rocked, I caught glimpses of the back of her head, where her hair had worn away, leaving a large, pale patch of skin.

大家要去参观疗养院的其他地方了，我赶紧归队。和导览谈起来，我才知道，住在这里的很多人小时候都有过差点被淹死的经历。我环视四周，发现除了我们没有其他外人来访。我问导览是不是通常都如此。
I stepped back to join the group, which was leaving to tour the facility. Talking with the guide, I learned that many of the residents had nearly drowned as young children. Looking around, I noticed there were no other visitors besides us. Was that common? I asked.

导览解释说，病人刚送来的时候，家人会经常来，有的每天都来，有的甚至一天两次。然后可能慢慢变成隔天来一次。后来就只有周末才来了。时间长了，过几个月才来，甚至几年才来看一次。反正次数是逐渐减少的，可能每年就是在病人的生日和圣诞节，象征性地来探望一下。最后，大多数家人都搬家了，似乎离得越远越好。
At first, the guide explained, a family will visit constantly, daily or even twice a day. Then maybe every other day. Then just weekends. After months or years, the visits taper off, until it’s just, say, birthdays and Christmas. Eventually, most families move away, as far as they can get.

“我不怪他们，”导览说，“照顾这些孩子很难的。”
“I don’t blame them,” she said. “It’s hard caring for these kids.”

我胸中怒气翻滚。难？当然很难啊，但那些做父母的，怎么能抛弃这些孩子呢？一间房里，病人们都躺在简易床上，几乎一动不动，整整齐齐躺成一排，像营房里的士兵。我顺着一排小床走，突然和其中一个病人四目相对。她大概十几岁，快满二十的样子，一头黑发蓬乱纠结。我停下来，努力朝她微笑，想告诉她我是关心他们的。我握住她的一只手，软塌塌的，原来有残疾。但她喉咙里咕噜一声，直视着我，露出微笑。
A fury churned in me. Hard? Of course it was hard, but how could parents abandon these kids? In one room, the patients lay on cots, mostly still, arranged in neat rows like soldiers in a barracks. I walked down a row until I made eye contact with one of them. She was in her late teens, with dark, tangled hair. I paused and tried smiling at her, showing her I cared. I picked up one of her hands; it was limp. But she gurgled and, looking right at me, smiled.

“我觉得她笑了。”我对看护说。
“I think she’s smiling,” I said to the attendant.

“可能是，”她说，“有时候也说不清楚。”
“Could be,” she said. “It can be hard to tell sometimes.”

但我很肯定，她是在笑。
But I was sure of it. She was smiling.

回到学校，大家都走了，教室里只剩下我和教授。“嗯，你有什么想法？”他问。
When we got back to campus, I was the last one left in the room with the professor. “So, what’d you think?” he asked.

我一股脑儿地把心里想的全说出来了，说我完全无法相信那些父母就这样把可怜的孩子抛弃了，也无法相信有个孩子竟然朝我笑了。
I vented openly about how I couldn’t believe that parents had abandoned these poor kids, and how one of them had even smiled at me.

这位教授是一位良师益友，他对于科学和道德之间的联系，有很深邃的思考。我满心以为他和我想法一致。
The professor was a mentor, someone who thought deeply about how science and morality intersected. I expected him to agree with me.

“是啊，”他说，“很好，你这么想很好。但有时候，嗯，我觉得他们死了倒还好些。”
“Yeah,” he said. “Good. Good for you. But sometimes, you know, I think it’s better if they die.”

我抓起书包，扬长而去。
I grabbed my bag and left.

她明明笑了啊，是不是？
She had been smiling, hadn’t she?

到后来，我才意识到，这次参观让我对大脑作用的理解又增添了一个新的维度。是的，大脑可以赋予我们建立关系，让生命充满意义的能力。但有时候，大脑也会破坏这种能力。
Only later would I realize that our trip had added a new dimension to my understanding of the fact that brains give rise to our ability to form relationships and make life meaningful. Sometimes, they break.