双语·当呼吸化为空气 如果死亡的沉重感不会减轻一分一毫

如果死亡的沉重感不会减轻一分一毫，那么至少，能不能变得更习以为常一些？
If the weight of mortality does not grow lighter, does it at least get more familiar?

被诊断出绝症之后，我开始拥有两个角度的世界观，分别用医生和病人的身份去看待死亡。作为医生，我知道不要去宣称什么“抗癌是一场战斗，我会赢”，也不要问“为什么是我”。（答案是：为什么不是我？）我很了解相关的医疗服务、并发症和治疗方法。我很快从肿瘤专家和自己的研究中得出结论——肺癌第四期，在今天的医疗界，算是有变数的绝症，就像二十世纪八十年代末的艾滋病：死亡率依然很高，但也有很多相关方面的专家纷纷涌现，出现了长期存活下去的病例。
Once I had been diagnosed with a terminal illness, I began to view the world through two perspectives; I was starting to see death as both doctor and patient. As a doctor, I knew not to declare “Cancer is a battle I’m going to win!” or ask “Why me?” (Answer: Why not me?) I knew a lot about medical care, complications, and treatment algorithms. I quickly learned from my oncologist and my own study that stage IV lung cancer today was a disease whose story might be changing, like AIDS in the late 1980s: still a rapidly fatal illness but with emerging therapies that were, for the first time, providing years of life.

借助医疗和科研方面所受的训练，我得以分析各种数据。而根据数据来分析我的预后，显然是不够的，这种局限我也能接受。然而，这并不能帮我做好一个病人。那些训练无法给露西和我一个确切的答案，到底要不要往前一步，生个孩子；也无法告诉我们，当我的生命正在消逝时，去培养一个新生命，到底意味着什么。我也不得而知，在不能保证充足时间的情况下，还要不要去为我的事业抗争，重新去实现我多年来一心一意立下的雄心壮志。
While being trained as a physician and scientist had helped me process the data and accept the limits of what that data could reveal about my prognosis, it didn’t help me as a patient. It didn’t tell Lucy and me whether we should go ahead and have a child, or what it meant to nurture a new life while mine faded. Nor did it tell me whether to fight for my career, to reclaim the ambitions I had singlemindedly pursued for so long, but without the surety of the time to complete them.

和我过去的病人一样，我也必须面对自己即将死亡这个事实，努力去弄清楚是什么让我这辈子值得一活。我需要艾玛的帮助。医生和病人的双重身份让我有种撕裂的感觉，我一边钻研医学，一边又转向文学作品寻找答案。面对自己的死亡，我在挣扎，是重建旧生活，还是去寻找新生活？
Like my own patients, I had to face my mortality and try to understand what made my life worth living—and I needed Emma’s help to do so. Torn between being a doctor and being a patient, delving into medical science and turning back to literature for answers, I struggled, while facing my own death, to rebuild my old life—or perhaps find a new one.

不过我每周的主要时间并非在进行认知疗法，而是接受物理治疗。每个我经手的病人，几乎都被送去接受过物理治疗。结果现在我才震惊地发现，原来过程是这么艰难。作为医生，你当然了解生病是怎么回事，但如果不亲身经历，你就不算真正了解。跟坠入爱河或者生孩子是一样的。堆积如山的病历表格需要填写，还有其他烦琐的小事，都会让你心烦意乱。比如，输液的时候，液体进入血管时，嘴里真的会涌起一股咸味。他们告诉我，人人都是这样，但从医十一年的我却是头一回切身体会。
The bulk of my week was spent not in cognitive therapy but in physical therapy. I had sent nearly every one of my patients to physical therapy. And now I found myself shocked at how difficult it was. As a doctor, you have a sense of what it’s like to be sick, but until you’ve gone through it yourself, you don’t really know. It’s like falling in love or having a kid. You don’t appreciate the mounds of paperwork that come along with it, or the little things. When you get an IV placed, for example, you can actually taste the salt when they start infusing it. They tell me that this happens to everybody, but even after eleven years in medicine, I had never known.

在物理疗法上，我还没进展到举重物的那一步，只是抬抬腿什么的。这就已经累得我筋疲力尽了，真是丢脸。我的脑子还在，但根本找不回以前的自己了。我身体很虚弱，不堪一击，那个经常去跑半程马拉松的人，似乎已成为遥远的过去。这也成为你的特性之一。难以忍受的背痛可以塑造你的特性，疲乏与恶心的感觉也可以。负责我物理治疗的教练凯伦问我有什么目标，我说了两个：可以骑自行车，可以出去跑个步。身体虚弱了，决心就变得很重要。我每天都坚持锻炼，力量每增加一点，我的世界就更宽广一点，我自身的可能性也就更多一点。我开始增加锻炼的次数、抬举的重量和练习的时间，逼着自己一直练到想吐为止。两个星期后，我可以连坐三十分钟不觉得累，也能跟朋友出去吃个晚饭了。
In physical therapy, I was not even lifting weights yet, just lifting my legs. This was exhausting and humiliating. My brain was fine, but I did not feel like myself. My body was frail and weak—the person who could run half marathons was a distant memory—and that, too, shapes your identity. Racking back pain can mold an identity; fatigue and nausea can, as well. Karen, my PT, asked me what my goals were. I picked two: riding my bike and going for a run. In the face of weakness, determination set in. Day after day I kept at it, and every tiny increase in strength broadened the possible worlds, the possible versions of me. I started adding reps, weights, and minutes to my workouts, pushing myself to the point of vomiting. After two months, I could sit for thirty minutes without tiring. I could start going to dinner with friends again.

一天下午，露西和我开车到了幽谷路——骑单车的好地方，也是我们的最爱。（出于个人的骄傲，我得说一句，一般来说，我们都是骑车去那里的，但我这弱不禁风的身子骨，骑车怕是爬不上那些小山坡了。）我左摇右晃地骑了十公里左右。去年夏天，我可是轻轻松松就骑了将近五十公里啊，现在和那时比起来真是天壤之别。但至少我还是在两个轮子上坐稳了。
One afternoon, Lucy and I drove down to Ca. ada Road, our favorite biking spot. (Usually we would bike there, pride forces me to add, but the hills were still too formidable for my lightweight frame.) I managed six wobbly miles. It was a far cry from the breezy, thirtymile rides of the previous summer, but at least I could balance on two wheels.