The Hardest Work You Will Ever Do 最难做的事

The Hardest Work You Will Ever Do　最难做的事

◎ Mary Cook


The day my fiance fell to his death, it started to snow, just like any November day, just like the bottom hadn’t fallen out of my world when he free fell off the roof. His body, when I found it, was lightly covered with snow. It snowed almost every day for the next four months, while I sat on the couch and watched it pile up.
One morning, I shuffled downstairs and was startled to see a snowplow clearing my driveway and the bent back of a woman shoveling my walk. I dropped to my knees, crawled through the living room, and back upstairs so those good Samaritans would not see me. I was mortified. My first thought was, how would I ever repay them? I didn’t have the strength to brush my hair let alone shovel someone’s walk.
Before Jon’s death, I took pride in the fact that I rarely asked for help or favors. I defined myself by my competence and independence. So who was I if I was no longer capable and busy? How could I respect myself if all I did was sit on the couch everyday and watch the snow fall?
Learning how to receive the love and support that came my way wasn’t easy. Friends cooked for me and I cried because I couldn’t even help them set the table. “I’m not usually this lazy.” I wailed. Finally, my friend Kathy sat down with me and said, “Mary, cooking for you is not a chore. I love you and I want to do it. It makes me feel good to be able to do something for you.”
Over and over, I heard similar sentiments from the people who supported me during those dark days. One very wise man told me, “You are not doing anything. Being fully open to your grief may be the hardest work you will ever do.”
I am not the person I once was, but in many ways I have changed for the better. The fabric of my life is now woven with gratitude and humility. I have been surprised to learn that there is incredible freedom that comes from facing one’s worst fear and walking away whole. I believe there is strength in surrender.


我未婚夫去世的那天，天开始下雪，就仿佛是十一月某个普通的一天，就仿佛当他从房顶上跌下时，我的世界并没有垮塌。当我发现他时，他的身体上已经薄薄地盖上了一层雪花。之后的四个月，几乎每天都在下雪，而我就坐在沙发上，看着雪一点点堆积起来。
一天早上，我慢吞吞地下楼，却吃惊地看到一台扫雪机正在清扫我的车道，还有一个女人正弯腰铲去走道上的雪。为了不让外面的好心人看到，我跪在地上，慢慢地爬过客厅，回到楼上。真是难为情。我的一个想法就是，我怎么报答他们？我情绪低落得连梳头的力气都没有，更不用说帮别人铲雪了。
琼恩去世之前，我把自己定位成一个独立能干的人，我很少向别人寻求帮助和关心，并为此而自豪。如果我不再忙碌，不再有能力，那么我是谁？如果我整天只是蜷在沙发上看着窗外飘落的雪花，我从哪里获得自尊？
学习如何接受别人的爱和帮助并不简单。朋友们为我做饭，我哭了，因为我甚至不能帮他们摆餐具。“我通常没有这么懒”，我哭着说。最后，我朋友凯西坐在我旁边，安慰我说：“玛丽，为你做饭不是个苦差事。我爱你，我很愿意这么做。能够帮上忙让我感觉很好。”
一次又一次，在我人生中黑暗的日子里，那些人用充满感情的话来安慰我。一个很聪明的人告诉过我：“你并不是无所事事。完全无保留地直面悲伤，这可能是最难做的事。”
我已经不是以前的我，很多方面我都变得更好了。现在，我生命的锦缎是由感恩和谦恭织成的。我很惊奇地了解到，当你面对自己最痛苦、最可怕的经历，坚强地挺过来，你会感受到难以置信的自由。我相信，当你直面现实时，你会获得力量。