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双语读剧:Call me by ...(一)49:我现在没有勇气,还没准备好

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2018年10月19日

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Try again later were the last words I’d spoken to myself every night when I’d sworn to do something to bring Oliver closer to me. Try again later meant, I haven’t the courage now. Things weren’t ready just yet. Where I’d find the will and the courage to try again later I didn’t know. But resolving to do something rather than sit passively made me feel that I was already doing something, like reaping a profit on money I hadn’t invested, much less earned yet.
But I also knew that I was circling wagons around my life with try again laters, and that months, seasons, entire years, a lifetime could go by with nothing but Saint Try-again-later stamped on every day. Try again later worked for people like Oliver. If not later, when? was my shibboleth.
If not later, when? What if he had found me out and uncovered each and every one of my secrets with those four cutting words?
I had to let him know I was totally indifferent to him.
 
“回头再试”,是我每晚暗自发誓要采取行动拉近奥利弗与我的距离时,对自己说的最后几个字。“回头再试”的意思是:我现在没有勇气,还没准备好;上哪儿去找“回头再试”的意志与勇气我不知道,但打定主意要采取行动而非坐以待毙,让我觉得自己已经做了什么,好像正从我尚未投资、更没赚到的钱中来获取利润。
但我也清楚道我用“回头再试”为自己的人生筑起一道防线,就这样度过几个月、几个季节、整整几年、或者一辈子,除了铭刻在每一天的“回头再试”之外,什么都没有。对于奥利弗这样的人来说,“回头再试”是管用的。而“回头不试,更待何时”是我的口令。
回头不试,更待何时?如果他看穿了我,用那八个尖刻的字揭发我一个又一个秘密怎么办?
我必须让他知道,我对他毫无兴趣。

 
What sent me into a total tailspin was talking to him a few mornings later in the garden and finding, not only that he was turning a deaf ear to all of my blandishments on behalf of Chiara, but that I was on the totally wrong track.
“What do you mean, wrong track?”
“I’m not interested.”
I didn’t know if he meant not interested in discussing it, or not interested in Chiara.
“Everyone is interested.”
“Well, maybe. But not me.”
Still unclear.
There was something at once dry, irked, and fussy in his voice.
“But I saw you two.”
“What you saw was not your business to see. Anyway, I’m not playing this game with either her or you.”
 
令我彻底陷入迷茫的是,几天后的早上,我在花园跟他说话,发现他不仅对我对奇亚拉的美言充耳不闻,而且我根本搞错了方向。
“你说搞错方向是什么意思?”
“我没兴趣。”
我不知道他的意思是没兴趣讨论,还是对奇亚拉没兴趣。
“大家都有兴趣。”
“嗯,或许吧。可是我没有。”
仍然不明朗。
他的声音有一种既冷淡、恼怒又吹毛求疵的成分。
“可是我看见你们在一起。”
“你看到的不关你的事。总之,我不跟你也不跟她玩这种游戏。”
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