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海伦·凯勒自传《我的生活》第35期

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  Chapter XV

  第十五章

  The summer and winter following the "Frost King" incident I spent with my family in Alabama. Irecall with delight that home-going. Everything had budded and blossomed. I was happy. "The Frost King" was forgotten.

  《冰雪之王》事件之后那一年的夏天和冬天,我是同家人一起在亚拉巴马度过的。我愉快地找到了“归家”的感觉。万事万物都经历了抽枝发芽、竞相怒放的过程。我很高兴《冰雪之王》事件已成为过眼云烟。

  When the ground was strewn with the crimson and golden leaves of autumn, and the musk-scented grapes that covered the arbour at the end of the garden were turning golden brown in the sunshine, I began to write a sketch of my life—a year after I had written "The Frost King."

  秋天,大地撒满了深红色和金黄色的树叶。散发着麝香味的葡萄藤遮盖了花园尽头的凉亭。在阳光的照耀下,一串串葡萄变成了金灿灿的红褐色。置身其中,我开始用笔勾勒我的生活——此时已经距我写《冰雪之王》一年有余。

  I was still excessively scrupulous about everything I wrote. The thought that what I wrote might not be absolutely my own tormented me. No one knew of these fears except my teacher. A strange sensitiveness prevented me from referring to the "Frost King"; and often when an idea flashed out in the course of conversation I would spell softly to her, "I am not sure it is mine." At other times, in the midst of a paragraph I was writing, I said to myself, "Suppose it should be found that all this was written by some one long ago!" An impish fear clutched my hand, so that I could not write any more that day. And even now I sometimes feel the same uneasiness and disquietude. Miss Sullivan consoled and helped me in every way she could think of; but the terrible experience I had passed through left a lasting impression on my mind, the significance of which I am only just beginning to understand. It was with the hope of restoring my self-confidence that she persuaded me to write for the Youth’s Companion a brief accountof my life. I was then twelve years old. As I look back on my struggle to write that little story, it seems to me that I must have had a prophetic vision of the good that would come of the undertaking, or I should surely have failed.

  此时,我仍旧对我写的任何东西抱着谨小慎微的态度。我写的东西也许并不完全属于我自己——这样的想法深深地折磨着我。除了我的老师,没有人知晓我的恐惧心理。这种神经过敏的古怪心理使我对《冰雪之王》事件这类事敬而远之。因此常会有这样的事发生,在同老师交谈的过程中,当我萌生出一个想法时,我就会对她拼写出这样的句子:“我不太肯定这是我自己的。”另外,当我把某段文字写到中间的时候,我就会对自己说:“你写的这些东西可能早已经被人写过了!”一种戏谑般的恐惧感攫住了我的双手,于是,那一天我会无法再写出任何东西。直到现在,我还能时常感受到同样的忧虑和不安。苏立文小姐想方设法帮我摆脱困境,但是可怕的经历给我留下了难以磨灭的印记,而对于其中的重要意义我也只是刚刚开始理解。为了重新树立我的自信心,老师说服我为《青年之友》写一篇短小精悍的生活自传。那一年我十二岁,回顾起来,那篇小故事的写作过程也经历了一番内心挣扎;我当时一定是对这项工作的结果有了一个良好的预期,否则一定会失败。

  I wrote timidly, fearfully, but resolutely, urged on by my teacher, who knew that if I persevered, I should find my mental foothold again and get a grip on my faculties. Up to the time of the "Frost King" episode, I had lived the unconscious life of a little child; now my thoughts were turned inward, and I beheld things invisible. Gradually I emerged from the penumbra of that experience with a mind made clearer by trial and with a truer knowledge of life.

  虽然下笔时有些提心吊胆,战战兢兢,但是在老师的督促下,我写得很坚决。她知道,如果我能够坚持不懈,就一定会再次找到精神的立足点,也一定会重拾写作才能的。直到《冰雪之王》事件之前,我一直生活在一个小孩子的懵懂无知之中。如今,我变得更加内敛,我看待事物的角度更加深入。渐渐地,我从日蚀的阴影中显现出来,在生命的真谛面前,经过了严格考验的心智也变得更加澄澈清明了。


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