《渺小一生》:“很多是多少？”

　 The next morning he drives directly to the cemetery, and from the cemetery to Dr. Kashen’s house, a two-story wooden structure in Newton where the professor used to host a year-end dinner for all of his current graduate students. It was understood that you weren’t to discuss math at these parties. “You can talk about anything else,” he’d tell them. “But we’re not talking about math.” Only at Dr. Kashen’s parties would he be the least socially inept person in the room (he was also, not coincidentally, the least brilliant), and the professor would always make him start the conversation. “So, Jude,” he’d say. “What are you interested in these days?” At least two of his fellow graduate students—both of them PhD candidates—had mild forms of autism, and he could see how hard they worked at making conversation, how hard they worked at their table manners, and prior to these dinners, he did some research into what was new in the worlds of online gaming (which one of them loved) and tennis (which the other loved), so he’d be able to ask them questions they could answer. Dr. Kashen wanted his students to someday be able to find jobs, and along with teaching them math, he also thought it his responsibility to socialize them, to teach them how to behave among others.

次日早晨他直接开车到墓园去，再从墓园去卡申博士家。那是一栋两层楼的木造建筑，位于波士顿西郊的牛顿市。每年年底，卡申博士都会请他当时指导的所有研究生去家里吃晚餐。在这类派对上，大家都知道不能讨论数学。“你们可以谈任何话题，”卡申博士曾告诉他们，“但就是不能谈数学。”只有在卡申博士的派对上，他才会成为全场最不拙于社交的人（而且理所当然，也是最不聪明的那个），于是教授总是要他带头找话说。“那么，裘德，”他会说，“你最近对什么感兴趣？”其他研究生里至少有两个（都是博士候选人）有轻微的自闭症，他看得出来他们有多努力想找话讲、有多努力想遵守餐桌礼仪。每次这类晚餐前，他都会先研究一下现在在线游戏（其中一个博士生很爱）或是网球（另一个博士生很爱）方面有什么新消息，才有办法提出他们可以回答的问题。卡申博士希望他的学生都有一天能找到工作，所以除了教他们数学，他觉得也有责任教他们如何适应社会、如何应对进退。

　 Sometimes Dr. Kashen’s son, Leo, who was five or six years older than he, would be at dinner at well. He too had autism, but unlike Donald’s and Mikhail’s, his was instantly noticeable, and severe enough so that although he’d completed high school, he hadn’t been able to attend more than a semester of college, and had only been able to get a job as a programmer for the phone company, where he sat in a small room day after day fixing screen after screen of code. He was Dr. Kashen’s only child, and he still lived at home, along with Dr. Kashen’s sister, who had moved in after his wife had died, years ago.

卡申博士的儿子利奥（比他大五六岁）有时会加入他们的晚宴。他也有自闭症，但不像唐纳德和米哈伊尔，一看就知道他有自闭症，而且严重到虽然读完了高中，但进大学却只读了一个学期就没法继续，唯一能找到的工作就是在电话公司当计算机程序设计师，每天坐在一个小房间里修改屏幕上的程序代码。他是卡申博士唯一的儿子，现在还住在家里。另外还有卡申博士的姐姐，她是几年前卡申博士的妻子过世后才搬进来的。

　 At the house, he speaks to Leo, who seems glazed, and mumbles, looking away from him as he does, and then to Dr. Kashen’s sister, who was a math professor at Northeastern.

来到卡申博士家，他跟利奥聊了一下。利奥好像在发呆，嘴巴咕哝着，但双眼看着别的地方。他也跟卡申博士的姐姐讲了话，她是东北大学的数学教授。

　 “Jude,” she says, “it’s lovely to see you. Thank you for coming.” She holds his hand. “My brother always talked about you, you know.”

“裘德，”她说，“看到你真高兴。谢谢你过来。”她握住他的手，“你知道，我弟弟常常提起你。”

　 “He was a wonderful teacher,” he tells her. “He gave me so much. I’m so sorry.”

“他是个很棒的老师，”他告诉她，“他教了我好多。我很遗憾。”

　 “Yes,” she says. “It was very sudden. And poor Leo”—they look at Leo, who is gazing at nothing—“I don’t know how he’s going to deal with this.” She kisses him goodbye. “Thank you again.”

“是啊，”她说，“发生得非常突然。可怜的利奥……”他们看向利奥，他目光呆滞地瞪着空气。“我不知道他要怎么面对这件事。”她跟他吻颊道别，“再次谢谢你。”

　 Outside, it is fiercely cold, and the windshield is sticky with ice. He drives slowly to Harold and Julia’s, letting himself in and calling their names.

出来时，外头非常冷，挡风玻璃上黏着冰。他缓缓驶到哈罗德和朱丽娅家，自己开了门进去，喊他们的名字。

　 “And here he is!” says Harold, materializing from the kitchen, wiping his hands on a dish towel. Harold hugs him, which he had begun doing at some point, and as uncomfortable as it makes him, he thinks it’ll be more uncomfortable to try to explain why he’d like Harold to stop. “I’m so sorry about Kashen, Jude. I was shocked to hear it—I ran into him on the courts about two months back and he looked like he was in great shape.”

“终于来了！”哈罗德从厨房走出来，用抹布擦着手。哈罗德拥抱他，这是前几年开始的惯例。尽管他觉得很不自在，但如果要解释为什么他希望哈罗德别再这样，会让他更加不自在。“裘德，卡申的事情我很遗憾。我听到后也吓一跳——我大概两个月前才在法院碰到他，当时他看起来很硬朗。”

　 “He was,” he says, unwinding his scarf, as Harold takes his coat. “And not that old, either: seventy-four.”

“是啊，”他说，解开绕在脖子上的围巾，哈罗德接过他的大衣去挂，“而且74岁，还不算太老啊。”

　 “Jesus,” says Harold, who has just turned sixty-five. “There’s a cheery thought. Go put your stuff in your room and come into the kitchen. Julia’s tied up in a meeting but she’ll be home in an hour or so.”

“天啊，”哈罗德说，他才刚满65，“你这样想真是太令人开心了。先去你的房间放东西吧，然后来厨房。朱丽娅去开一个会，大概再一小时就会回来了。”

　 He drops his bag in the guest room—“Jude’s room,” Harold and Julia call it; “your room”—and changes out of his suit and heads toward the kitchen, where Harold is peering into a pot on the stove, as if down a well. “I’m trying to make a bolognese,” he says, without turning around, “but something’s happening; it keeps separating, see?”

他把自己的袋子拿去客房——哈罗德和朱丽娅都称之为“裘德的房间”或是“你的房间”——换下了西装，再去厨房。哈罗德看着烤箱里的一锅东西，好像在望一口井。“我想做波隆那肉酱，”他说，双眼仍盯着锅，“可是发生了一些事，里头一直有分层，看到没？”

　 He looks. “How much olive oil did you use?”

他看了：“你放了多少橄榄油？”

　 “A lot.”

“很多。”

　 “What’s a lot?”

“很多是多少？”

　 “A lot. Too much, obviously.”

“非常多。显然是太多了。”

　 He smiles. “I’ll fix it.”

他微笑：“我来补救吧。”

　 “Thank god,” says Harold, stepping away from the stove. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

“感谢老天，”哈罗德说，往后退开，“我正希望你会这么说。”

　 Over dinner, they speak of Julia’s favorite researcher, who she thinks might be trying to jump to another lab, and of the latest gossip circulating through the law school, and of the anthology of essays about Brown versus Board of Education that Harold is editing, and of one of Laurence’s twin daughters, who is getting married, and then Harold says, grinning, “So, Jude, the big birthday’s coming up.”

晚餐时，他们聊到朱丽娅最喜欢的一个研究员，她认为他可能要跳槽到另一个研究室，还有最近法学院流传的一个八卦，以及哈罗德正在编的一本有关“布朗控告教育局案”的论文选集，又聊到了劳伦斯的双胞胎女儿，其中一个就要结婚了，这时哈罗德咧着嘴说：“那么，裘德，你的大生日快到了。”

　 “Three months away!” Julia chirps, and he groans. “What are you going to do?”

“只剩三个月！”朱丽娅轻快地说，而他却哀叹起来。“你打算怎么过？”

　 “Probably nothing,” he says. He hasn’t planned anything, and he has forbidden Willem from planning anything, either. Two years ago, he threw Willem a big party for his fortieth at Greene Street, and although the four of them had always said they’d go somewhere for each of their fortieth birthdays, it hasn’t worked out that way. Willem had been in L.A. filming on his actual birthday, but after he had finished, they’d gone to Botswana on a safari. But it had been just the two of them: Malcolm had been working on a project in Beijing, and JB—well, Willem hadn’t mentioned inviting JB, and he hadn’t, either.

“大概什么都不做吧。”他说。他什么都没计划，也不准威廉计划。两年前威廉的40岁生日，他在格林街办了一个盛大的派对。以前他们四个总是说各自的40岁生日要去哪里哪里，结果都没实现。威廉生日那天正在洛杉矶拍戏，但拍完之后他们就去了博茨瓦纳参加狩猎旅行。不过只有他们两个，因为马尔科姆当时在北京忙一个案子，而杰比——唔，威廉没提要邀请杰比，他也没提。