《渺小一生》:他陶醉在卢克的种种故事中

　 “I look at you sometimes, and I think: you don’t deserve to have these things happen to you. You deserve to be with someone else, someone—” And then Brother Luke stopped again, because he had begun to cry again. “Jude,” he said, surprised.

“有时我看着你，心想：你不该受到这样的待遇。你应该跟着另一个人，一个……”卢克修士停下来，因为他又哭了。“裘德。”卢克修士惊讶地说。

　 “Don’t,” he sobbed, “please, Brother Luke—don’t let them send me away; I’ll be better, I promise, I promise. Don’t let them send me away.”

“不要，”他啜泣着说，“拜托，卢克修士——别让他们赶我走，我会更乖的，我保证，我保证。别让他们赶我走。”

　 “Jude,” said the brother, and sat down next to him, pulling him into his body. “No one’s sending you away. I promise; no one’s going to send you away.” Finally he was able to calm himself again, and the two of them sat silent for a long time. “All I meant to say was that you deserve to be with someone who loves you. Like me. If you were with me, I’d never hurt you. We’d have such a wonderful time.”

“裘德，”修士说，在他旁边坐下，把他拥入怀里，“没有人要赶你走。我保证，没有人会赶你走的。”最后他终于镇定下来，两个人坐着好久不说话。“我的意思只是，你应该跟一个爱你的人在一起。比如我。如果你跟着我，我永远不会伤害你。我们在一起会过得非常愉快。”

　 “What would we do?” he asked, finally.

“那我们要做什么呢？”他终于能问了。

　 “Well,” said Luke, slowly, “we could go camping. Have you ever been camping?”

“这个嘛，”卢克缓缓说，“我们可以去露营。你露过营吗？”

　 He hadn’t, of course, and Luke told him about it: the tent, the fire, the smell and snap of burning pine, the marshmallows impaled on sticks, the owls’ hoots.

当然没有。于是卢克告诉他露营的事情：帐篷、营火、焚烧松木的气味和噼啪声，叉在小棍上烤的棉花糖，还有猫头鹰的叫声。

　 The next day he returned to the greenhouse, and over the following weeks and months, Luke would tell him about all the things they might do together, on their own: they would go to the beach, and to the city, and to a fair. He would have pizza, and hamburgers, and corn on the cob, and ice cream. He would learn how to play baseball, and how to fish, and they would live in a little cabin, just the two of them, like father and son, and all morning long they would read, and all afternoon they would play. They would have a garden where they would grow all their vegetables, and flowers, too, and yes, maybe they’d have a greenhouse someday as well. They would do everything together, go everywhere together, and they would be like best friends, only better.

次日他又回到温室，接下来几个星期、几个月，卢克告诉他种种他们可以一起做的事，只有他们两个：他们会去海滩，去大城市，去露天游乐场。他会吃披萨、汉堡，还有整根的玉米，以及冰淇淋。他会学打棒球，学钓鱼，他们会住在一栋小木屋，只有他们两个，就像父子。他们上午阅读，下午玩耍。他们会有个园子，种植各种蔬菜和花卉，没错，或许有天他们也会盖温室。他们会一起做各种事情，去各种地方，像是最要好的挚友，但是更要好。

　 He was intoxicated by Luke’s stories, and when things were awful, he thought of them: the garden where they’d grow pumpkins and squash, the creek that ran behind the house where they’d catch perch, the cabin—a larger version of the ones he built with his logs—where Luke promised him he would have a real bed, and where even on the coldest of nights, they would always be warm, and where they could bake muffins every week.

他陶醉在卢克的种种故事中，每当状况很糟时，他就想着这些故事：他们会在园子里种植大小南瓜，在屋后小溪钓黄鲈鱼。他们的小木屋就是他用那些原木玩具所盖的扩大版，在里头，卢克保证他会有一张真正的床，就算最冷的夜里，屋内也永远温暖。另外，他们每星期都可以烤松糕。

　 One afternoon—it was early January, and so cold that they had to wrap all the greenhouse plants in burlap despite the heaters—they had been working in silence. He could always tell when Luke wanted to talk about their house and when he didn’t, and he knew that today was one of his quiet days, when the brother seemed elsewhere. Brother Luke was never unkind when he was in these moods, only quiet, but the kind of quiet he knew to avoid. But he yearned for one of Luke’s stories; he needed it. It had been such an awful day, the kind of day in which he had wanted to die, and he wanted to hear Luke tell him about their cabin, and about all the things they would do there when they were alone. In their cabin, there would be no Brother Matthew or Father Gabriel or Brother Peter. No one would shout at him or hurt him. It would be like living all the time in the greenhouse, an enchantment without end.

一天下午，他们沉默地工作着。那是一月初，温室里虽有暖气，但他们还是得用粗麻布把所有温室植物包起来。他向来看得出卢克什么时候会谈他们的小木屋、什么时候不谈，他知道今天是沉默的日子，修士整个人似乎都心不在焉。即便是心情低落的时刻，卢克修士也从不曾对他严厉，只是沉默，而那种沉默，他知道要避开。但是他好想听卢克修士的故事，他太需要了。那天他过得太糟糕了，糟到让他想死，所以他想听卢克修士讲他们的小木屋，两人在里头可以做的事情。他们的小木屋里不会有马修修士、盖柏瑞神父或彼得修士。不会有人骂他或伤害他。那就像永远住在温室里，永远活在魔法里。

　 He was reminding himself not to speak when Brother Luke spoke to him. “Jude,” he said, “I’m very sad today.”

他正提醒自己不要讲话时，卢克修士忽然对他说：“裘德，我今天好难过。”

　 “Why, Brother Luke?”

“为什么，卢克修士？”

　 “Well,” said Brother Luke, and paused. “You know how much I care for you, right? But lately I’ve been feeling that you don’t care for me.”

“唔，”卢克修士说，然后暂停了一下，“你知道我有多关心你吧？但是最近，我觉得你根本不关心我。”

　 This was terrible to hear, and for a moment he couldn’t speak. “That’s not true!” he told the brother.

这些话把他吓坏了，一时语塞。“不是这样的！”他告诉修士。

　 But Brother Luke shook his head. “I keep talking to you about our house in the forest,” he said, “but I don’t get the feeling that you really want to go there. To you, they’re just stories, like fairy tales.”

但是卢克修士摇着头。“我一直跟你讲我们在森林里的房子，”他说，“但我不觉得你真的想去。对你来说，那些只是故事，就像童话一样。”

　 He shook his head. “No, Brother Luke. They’re real to me, too.” He wished he could tell Brother Luke just how real they were, just how much he needed them, how much they had helped him. Brother Luke looked so upset, but finally he was able to convince him that he wanted that life, too, that he wanted to live with Brother Luke and no one else, that he would do whatever he needed to in order to have it. And finally, finally, the brother had smiled, and crouched and hugged him, moving his arms up and down his back. “Thank you, Jude, thank you,” he said, and he, so happy to have made Brother Luke so happy, thanked him back.

他摇头。“不，卢克修士。那些对我来说也是真的。”他真希望自己可以告诉卢克修士那些故事有多么真实，他有多么需要那些故事，而且那些故事帮了他多少。卢克修士看起来很沮丧，但他终于设法说服修士自己也想要那样的生活，他也想跟卢克修士住在一起，没有别人，他愿意付出一切，去得到那样的生活。最后，终于，修士露出微笑，蹲下来拥抱他，上下抚着他的背。“谢谢你，裘德，谢谢你。”修士说，他很开心自己能让卢克修士高兴，也向他道谢。

　 And then Brother Luke looked at him, suddenly serious. He had been thinking about it a lot, he said, and he thought it was time for them to build their cabin; it was time that they go away together. But he, Luke, wouldn’t do it alone: Was Jude going to come with him? Did he give him his word? Did he want to be with Brother Luke the way Brother Luke wanted to be with him, just the two of them in their small and perfect world? And of course he did—of course he did.

卢克修士看着他，忽然一脸严肃。他说，这件事他想了很久，他觉得该是他们去建造那栋小木屋的时候了。该是他们一起离开的时候了。卢克说他不会一个人去做这事，裘德会跟他一起走吗？他保证吗？他想跟卢克修士在一起，就像卢克修士想跟他在一起，在他们完美的小世界里，只有他们两个人吗？他当然想啊——他当然会跟他走。

　 So there was a plan. They would leave in two months, before Easter; he would celebrate his ninth birthday in their cabin. Brother Luke would take care of everything—all he needed to do was be a good boy, and study hard, and not cause any problems. And, most important, say nothing. If they found out what they were doing, Brother Luke said, then he would be sent away, away from the monastery, to make his way on his own, and Brother Luke wouldn’t be able to help him then. He promised.

于是他们有了计划。他们会在两个月后的复活节之前离开，他会在他们的小木屋里过9岁生日。卢克修士会准备好一切，他唯一要做的就是当个乖孩子，努力学习，不要惹出任何麻烦。最重要的是什么都别说。如果让其他人发现这个计划，卢克修士说，他就会被赶出修道院，往后只能靠自己，到时候连卢克修士也帮不了他。他答应了。

　 The next two months were terrible and wonderful at the same time. Terrible because they passed so slowly. Wonderful because he had a secret, one that made his life better, because it meant his life in the monastery had an end. Every day he woke up eager, because it meant he was one day closer to being with Brother Luke. Every time one of the brothers was with him, he would remember that soon he would be far away from them, and it would be a little less bad. Every time he was beaten or yelled at, he would imagine himself in the cabin, and it would give him the fortitude—a word Brother Luke had taught him—to withstand it.

接下来的两个月既可怕又美妙。可怕的是日子过得好慢。美妙的则是他有个秘密，让他的生活更美好，这表示他在修道院的生活即将告终。每天他都迫不及待地醒来，因为离他和卢克修士的新生活又近了一天。每回他跟其他修士在一起，想到很快就可以远离他们，就觉得自己没那么惨了。每回被打或被骂，他会想象自己在小木屋里，便有了忍耐下去的坚毅（卢克修士教了他这个词）。

　 He had begged Brother Luke to let him help with the preparations, and Brother Luke had told him to gather a sample of every flower and leaf from all the different kinds of plants on the monastery grounds. And so in the afternoons he prowled the property with his Bible, pressing leaves and petals between its pages. He spent less time in the greenhouse, but whenever he saw Luke, the brother would give him one of his somber winks, and he would smile to himself, their secret something warm and delicious.

他请求卢克修士让他帮忙准备，卢克修士叫他去收集修道院周围每种植物的花叶标本。每天下午，他拿着《圣经》在修道院周围徘徊，把叶子和花瓣夹在纸页间。他很少去温室了，但每回看到卢克，修士都会严肃地眨一下眼睛。他暗自微笑，觉得他们的秘密温暖而甜美。

　 The night finally arrived, and he was nervous. Brother Matthew was with him in the early evening, right after dinner, but eventually he left, and he was alone. And then there was Brother Luke, holding his finger pressed to his lips, and he nodded. He helped Luke load his books and underwear into the paper bag he held open, and then they were tiptoeing down the hallway, and down the stairs, and then through the darkened building and into the night.

那一夜终于来到，他很紧张。傍晚才刚吃过晚餐，马修修士就跟他在一起，但最后还是离开了，剩他一个人。接着卢克修士出现了，一根手指按着嘴唇，他点点头。他帮着修士把自己的书和内衣放进修士打开的纸袋。然后他们蹑手蹑脚地经过走廊，下了阶梯，走出黑暗的修道院，进入黑夜。