《渺小一生》:他觉得很可悲，可是他不得不

　 “Fine,” Willem said. He hailed a cab, and helped him in, and then got in himself. “Greene and Broome,” he said to the driver.

“好吧。”威廉说。他招了辆出租车，帮着他上车，然后自己也坐进去。“格林街和布鲁姆街交叉口。”他跟司机说。

　 In the cab, his hands began to shake. This had been happening more and more, and he didn’t know how to stop it. It had started when he was a child, but it had happened only in extreme circumstances—when he was trying not to cry, or when he was in extraordinary pain but knew that he couldn’t make a sound. But now it happened at strange moments: only cutting helped, but sometimes the shaking was so severe that he had difficulty controlling the razor. He crossed his arms against himself and hoped Willem wouldn’t notice.

在出租车上，他双手开始颤抖。这样的状况越来越常发生，他不知道该怎么停止。这个毛病始自他小时候，但只有在极端的状况下才会发生：当他试着不要哭，或是极度疼痛、却自知不能发出声音时。现在，这个毛病却会发生在奇怪的时刻，只有割自己会好一点，但有时他抖得太严重，很难控制刮胡刀片。这会儿他双手交叉抱在胸前，希望威廉没注意到。

　 At the front door, he tried to get rid of Willem, but Willem wouldn’t leave. “I want to be alone,” he told him.

到了楼下大门，他设法摆脱威廉，但威廉不肯离开。“我想独自安静一下。”他告诉他。

　 “I understand,” Willem said. “We’ll be alone together.” They had stood there, facing each other, until he had finally turned to the door, but he couldn’t fit the key into the lock because he was shaking so badly, and Willem took the keys from him and opened the door.

“我了解，”威廉说，“我们一起安静吧。”他们站在那里，彼此相对，最后他终于转身，但钥匙插不进锁孔里，因为他的手抖得太厉害了。威廉从他手里拿过钥匙，把门打开。

　 “What the hell is going on with you?” Willem asked as soon as they were in the apartment.

“你到底是怎么回事？”一进到公寓里，威廉就问了。

　 “Nothing,” he said, “nothing,” and now his teeth were chattering, which was something that had never accompanied the shaking when he was young but now happened almost every time.

“没事，”他说，“没事。”现在他的牙齿也格格作响，他小时候发抖时从来不会这样，但现在几乎每次都两个一起来。

　 Willem stepped close to him, but he turned his face away. “Something happened while I was away,” Willem said, tentatively. “I don’t know what it is, but something happened. Something’s wrong. You’ve been acting strangely ever since I got home from The Odyssey. I don’t know why.” He stopped, and put his hands on his shoulders. “Tell me, Jude,” he said. “Tell me what it is. Tell me and we’ll figure out how to make it better.”

威廉走近他，他别开脸。“我不在的时候出了一些事，”威廉迟疑地说，“我不知道是什么事，但一定有，而且是很糟糕的事。自从我拍完《奥德赛》回来，你就表现得很奇怪。我不明白为什么。”威廉停下来，双手放在他肩膀上。“告诉我，裘德，”他说，“告诉我是什么事。告诉我，我们看看要怎么样让情况好转。”

　 “No,” he whispered. “I can’t, Willem, I can’t.” There was a long silence. “I want to go to bed,” he said, and Willem released him, and he went to the bathroom.

“不行，”他低声说，“威廉，我做不到，我做不到。”接下来两人沉默了好一会儿。“我想去睡觉了。”他说。威廉放开他，他便走进浴室。

　 When he came out, Willem was wearing one of his T-shirts, and was lofting the duvet from the guest room over the sofa in his bedroom, the sofa under the painting of Willem in the makeup chair. “What’re you doing?” he asked.

他出来时，威廉穿了一件他的T恤，正把客房的羽绒被搬到他卧室的沙发上，那沙发上方的墙壁上就挂着威廉坐在化妆椅的那幅画。“你在做什么？”他问。

　 “I’m staying here tonight,” Willem said.

“我今天晚上留下来过夜。”威廉说。

　 He sighed, but Willem started talking before he could. “You have three choices, Jude,” he said. “One, I call Andy and tell him I think there’s something really going wrong with you and I take you up to his office for an evaluation. Two, I call Harold, who freaks out and calls Andy. Or three, you let me stay here and monitor you because you won’t talk to me, you won’t fucking tell me anything, and you never seem to understand that you at least owe your friends the opportunity to try to help you—you at least owe me that.” His voice cracked. “So what’s it going to be?”

他叹口气，但威廉抢着说下去。“裘德，你有三个选择，”他说，“第一，我打电话给安迪，跟他说我觉得你真的很不对劲，带你去他诊所让他看看。第二，我打电话给哈罗德，他会吓坏，打给安迪。或者第三，你让我今天晚上待在这里监视你，因为你不肯跟我谈，他妈的什么都不肯告诉我，而且你好像从来不明白你至少该给你的朋友一个尝试帮你的机会——你至少欠我这个。”他的声音发哑，“所以你选哪个？”

　 Oh Willem, he thought. You don’t know how badly I want to tell you. “I’m sorry, Willem,” he said, instead.

啊，威廉，他心想。你不明白我多么想告诉你。但他只会说：“我很抱歉，威廉。”

　 “Fine, you’re sorry,” said Willem. “Go to bed. Do you still have extra toothbrushes in the same place?”

“很好，你很抱歉，”威廉说，“去睡觉吧。你有多的牙刷放在老地方吗？”

　 “Yes,” he said.

“有。”他说。

　 The next night he came home late from work, and found Willem lying on the sofa in his room again, reading. “How was your day?” he asked, not lowering his book.

次日晚上他加班到很晚，回家后发现威廉又躺在他房间的沙发上，正在看书。“你今天过得怎么样？”威廉问，没放下手上的书。

　 “Fine,” he said. He waited to see if Willem was going to explain himself, but he didn’t, and eventually he went to the bathroom. In the closet, he passed Willem’s duffel bag, which was unzipped and filled with enough clothes that it was clear he was going to stay for a while.

“很好。”他说。他等着看威廉会不会解释自己为什么还在这里，但没等到，最后他走向浴室。经过衣柜间时，他看到威廉的旅行袋，拉链打开了，里头装了足够的衣服，显然他打算在这里待上一阵子。

　 He felt pathetic admitting it to himself, but having Willem there—not just in his apartment, but in his room—helped. They didn’t speak much, but his very presence steadied and refocused him. He thought less of Caleb; he thought less of everything. It was as if the necessity of proving himself normal to Willem really did make him more normal. Just being around someone he knew would never harm him, not ever, was soothing, and he was able to quiet his mind, and sleep. As grateful as he was, though, he was also disgusted at himself, by how dependent he was, how weak. Was there no end to his needs? How many people had helped him over the years, and why had they? Why had he let them? A better friend would have told Willem to go home, told him he would be fine on his own. But he didn’t do this. He let Willem spend the few remaining weeks he had in New York sleeping on his sofa like a dog.

他觉得很可悲，可是他不得不承认，威廉在这里的确有帮助——不光是在他的公寓，还在他的房间。他们不必说什么话，光是威廉的存在，就能让他平静且恢复专注。他比较少想到凯莱布，也比较少想到任何事。仿佛因为有必要向威廉证明自己很正常而让他真的变得比较正常了。光是跟一个他知道永远不会伤害他的人在一起就令他宽心。他终于可以静下心来，也睡得着了。尽管他很感激，却也受不了自己这么依赖别人、这么软弱。他就这么需索无度吗？多年来帮过他的人有多少？他们干吗要帮他？他自己又为什么让别人帮他？更够格的朋友会叫威廉回家，跟威廉说他自己一个人没事的。但他没这么做。他让威廉在纽约剩下的几个星期都像条狗似的，睡在他的沙发上。

　 At least he didn’t have to worry about upsetting Robin, as Willem and Robin had broken up toward the end of the Odyssey shoot, when Robin discovered that Willem had cheated on her with one of the costume assistants. “And I didn’t even really like her,” Willem had told him in one of their phone calls. “I did it for the worst reason of all—because I was bored.”

至少他不必担心得罪罗宾。《奥德赛》快杀青时，威廉和罗宾就分手了，因为罗宾发现威廉偷吃，背着她跟一个服装助理上床。“我根本就不喜欢她。”威廉当时在电话里告诉他，“我偷吃是出于最糟糕的原因——因为我很无聊。”

　 He had considered this. “No,” he said, “the worst reason of all would’ve been because you were trying to be cruel. Yours was just the stupidest reason of all.”

他想了想。“不，”他说，“如果你是为了想伤害她而偷吃，那才是最糟糕的原因。你说无聊，那只是最愚蠢的原因。”

　 There had been a pause, and then Willem had started laughing. “Thanks for that, Jude,” he said. “Thanks for making me feel both better and worse.”

威廉顿了一下，开始大笑。“谢了，裘德。”他说，“谢谢你让我同时觉得好一点，也更糟一点。”