TED演讲：简单爱，但不将就

So let me tell you a love story. Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a land I Googled to be 5172 miles away. I met a guy and he was perfect. So I'll tell you the meeting story.

让我告诉你们一个爱情故事。就在不久之前，在一个谷歌上说位于5172英里以外的地方 ，我遇到一个完美的人，我跟你们讲一讲我们是怎么认识的吧。

I`d just taped this really cool TV show about experimenting with your sexuality. And I met him at the after-party through one of our famous friends who was a DJ. He was tall, dark, handsome, kind of rock star and a little bit emotionally unavailable.

我当时在拍一个特别酷的关于性取向实验的电视节目。然后我在庆功派对上通过一个有名的DJ朋友认识他。他很高，很帅，肤色黝黑，算是个摇滚明星，有点遥不可及的感觉。

Very soon. We were spending all of our time together. we threw these really cool parties for all of our cool friends, we went backstage at every festival and when my hands were cold, you would take them under his arms to warm them up.

然后我们进展的很快，天天在一起，我们在一起给朋友们开派对，每次演唱我们都会跑到后台去亲热，要是我手冷了，他会把我的手放在他胳膊下边取暖。

He was my best friends and I thought we'd be together forever. And so strong was that belief that when the warning signs came, I just ignored them. Until the day that I couldn't ignore them anymore.

他曾是我最好的朋友，我曾经以为我们能永远在一起，而且坚信不疑，以至于我忽略了那些曾经出现的警告信号，直到有一天，我再也不能不略他们了。

I've become quite unwell, I wasn't so pretty anymore. And I definitely couldn`t go out to any of the parties. In fact, I was for the first time in my life actually vulnerable because I was miscarrying a baby.

我身体变得很差，我再也不那么好看了，而且我再也不能去参加聚会了。事实上那是我人生中第一次变得那么脆弱，因为我流产了，失去了我们的孩子。

And at that point, When I was at my weakest, he left. It's not a joke, aha, coming downstairs and you know what, but I would have followed him out of the door to the ends of the Earth. but I couldn't get out of my bed.

但是就在我最虚弱的时候，他离开了我，这不是笑话。他下楼的时候你知道吗？我本会跟着他出门，然后随他浪迹天涯。但是我下不了床。

when I did get up. I found that our house had been stripped bare. The paintings were gone from the walls and the rooms that we used to dance in together were empty. I walked around those rooms like an animal, howling.

当我们能下床的时候，我发现我们的房子被搬空了。墙上的画不见了，我们平时跳舞的房间也空了。我就像野兽一样咆哮着在那些空房间里走来走去。

Picking myself up off the literal floor that day. I had to recognize that after all of this excitement and this joy and this fantasy, the end of all that love, I had nothing. And you know what that wasn't even the first time something like that had happened to me.

那天，当我自己从地板上站起来的时候，我不得不承认在所有的那些兴奋/欢快和幻想之后，在这份爱情的最后，我一无所有，而且你知道吗？这还不是我第一次经历这种事情。

I was a magnet for chaos. I like chaos. Because when I was in chaos, I didn't have to confront anything about who I was. Truthfully, I hadn`t known who I was for years .because on the floor that day, I did have someone, I had myself, but for a long time that had come to feel like it was meant nothing. and it was invaluable.

我以前就像一个糟糕生活的磁铁，我很喜欢糟糕的生活。因为当我生活一团糟的时候我就不必面对任何有关“我是谁”的问题，事实上，在那之前我已经很多年都不知道“我是谁”了。因为那天在地板上，我并不是一无所有，我还有我自己。但是之前很长一段时间我还有自己，这件事感觉好像没有任何意义。但是这件事非常可贵。

So I know it seems a bit self- indulgent to come out here today and talk to you guys about like effectively a break-up story. But it was one of a chain of many incidences that made me think maybe there's other people like me. Maybe there's other people that aren`t approaching love in the right way.

所以我知道我今天知道我来到这里实际上就是讲一个分手的故事，好像看起来有点只顾我自己表现了。但是分手这件事是很多事件当中的一个重要环节，这些事情让我想到“也许还有其他人，”像我一样用错误的方式追求着爱情。

Because I think we've all had experiences, right? They look like love, they feel like love. But when you open them up, there's nothing loving about them. But we continued to chase love because I think love is sold to us. as almost like the ultimate solution to ourselves.

因为我们觉得我们都有相似的经历，对吗？他们看起来就像爱情，感觉也想爱情，但当你把他们打开来仔细看到时候，你发现那根本就不是爱情。但是我们还在寻找爱情，没有停止。因为我觉得爱情几乎被我们当成解决自身问题的最终答案。

The things that makes our past okay, that gives us a direction for the future and imbues our everyday reality with meaning. I think love can be beautiful. I think it can be exciting.but I think sometimes it can also be an act of escapism.

爱情让我们释怀了过去，给我们未来的方向。让我们每天的生活都有了人意义，虽然我认为爱情可以是美好的，爱情可以是激动人心的，但是我认为它有的时候也是一种逃避现实的行为。

And I `ve had a long time to think about this. As the introduction said. I am the artist formerly known as the UK`s leading dating expert. And before that I was a ghost writer in the pickup industry.

而且关于这个问题我想了很久，就像介绍里边说的那样，我以前是英国顶级的约会专家，在那之前我是约会网站的代写专家。

And I volg about the reality of love on my YouTube. And now I have a completely different approach, a very minimalist strategy when it comes to dating. And that's really because I'm concerned that in our quest for love, sometimes it can be the ultimate distraction to fixing ourselves.

我在油管上做关于爱情的真实情况的日常生活视频，但是我现在对于约会有了完全不同的方式，是一种极简主义的策略。而这却是是因为我担心，在我们追求爱情的过程中，爱情有时会成为极大的干扰，让我们不能专注于解决自身的问题。

But gradually,you know what, A great thing happened is that I came back into the room, I became aware again, my mind start to work. I reconnected with my family. The friends that were left with the good ones.

但是渐渐的，你知道吗？ 发生了一件好事，那就是我回到之前和做一些真正使我们快乐的事情，因为，不要误解我的意思，我当然认为渴望依恋他人，渴望亲密关系，渴望爱情，这些目标都是自然的，都是人的本性，都是好的。

But I think sometimes the way we go about them is a bit weird. Weather That's crazy ridiculous on off destructive relationships or needing to go out on a date every single night of the week with a different person,

但我觉得人们追求这些目标的方式有时有点奇怪，不管是疯狂的，荒唐的，时断时续的，具有破坏性的恋情，还是需要每天晚上都和不同的人出去约会。

You know like the hip form of dating, where you have someone on the back burner, someone on the front burner, someone under the grill, and then someone else over there in the freezer, just in case, god forbid. You spend a night by yourself.

你知道的，现在流行的约会模式，就行烤肉似的，后边的烤架上有人，前边的烤架上有人，底下有人，然后冰箱里还有个备胎。这么多的对象，就是让自己千万别有一天晚上独自度过。

In this, it feels really like loneliness is the driver or escapism is the driver not love. So I`m kind of starting to preach the opposite believe now, that,of course. the answer lies not in another person, but within yourself.

似乎人们出去约会是害怕孤独，或者是为了逃避现实而约会，而不是因为爱情，所以我现在要开始宣扬一种与此相反的观点。那就是约会的真谛不在于别人，而在于你自己。

Because I think sometimes the melodrama of love takes us further away rather than closer. To who we actually are. So I find my dating advice is gradually shrinking down to be essentially go meditate, get some therapy, read a book.

因为我觉得有时候爱情当中的狗血剧情，会让人们和真实的自我越来越远，而不是越来越近，所以我发现现在的约会建议逐渐的浓缩到一句话，其实就是自己冥想，去做心里治疗，读本书。

It's not what you would call like a sexy strategy for the millennial generation. A generation that is used to 4G download speeds. skyping a friend aboard, and Netflix and chill with someone you just met from Tinder.

这对我们千禧世代肯定不是一个很酷的建议，我们这代人习惯了在4G网络的下载速度。习惯了和国外的朋友视频聊天，习惯了和刚在交友软件上认识的人约会。

Um, so I think when we`re used to expecting everything we want right here. Right now, when we can't just vend an automatic level of human connection, we not only feel like we're getting it wrong, but like we're not getting what we`re entitled to.

所以我觉得当我们习惯了想要的什么东西就随手可得，当我们不能用一种自然的方式，形成人与人之间的连接的时候，我们不只是觉得我们好像哪里做错了，而且我们还会觉得这不是我们应得的。

And then you just take one look at instagram , everybody else has it sorted out? And we sort of live in a culture that surrounds us, telling us that we should have fallen in love or be falling in love, or at least have great sex, right?

然后你看一下社交软件，除了你以外，所有人都把这件事搞明白了，我们好像生活在这样一种文化氛围里，就是好像我们每个人都应该沉浸在爱河里，或者正爱上某人，至少过的性福，对吧？

Like yesterday, you know, let's face it, who actually enters into the arena of love looking to maybe become a better person to be kinder to have more integrity to get more grounded. No one does that It`s because our eyes are off ourselves. We're looking for that next adventure, that greener grass, that new person. So we don't have to deal with any of that stuff.

比如昨天晚上，你懂的，说实话，有谁在爱情当中是为了真正成为一个更好的人？成为更善良的，更正值的人？成为更理智的人。没有人那么想，这是因为我们的目光关注的不是我们自己，我们关注的下一段经历，和更美的风景，和下一个对象。所以我们不必处理那些自身的问题。

And I understand how easily it happens. Right? You just kind of meet someone sexy. I don't know where maybe it was a party on the train or the tube, as we would say in London, or maybe just met them. You both joined Tinder that day.

我明白这一切都顺理成章，对吧？你就只是遇到了一个性感的人，不管在哪里，可能在聚会上，在火车上，或者在伦敦的地铁上。或者在同一天注册了Tinder。

How magical! And before too long, You realize that you have some stuff in common like WOW you both like almond butter, star wars. You can name all four teenage mutant ninja hero turtles.

多神奇啊！不久，你就会意识到你们有一些共同点，比如哇哦，你们都喜欢杏仁酱，星球大战，你可以说出四只忍者英雄海龟的名字。

And then like suddenly you`re retelling, how you met like this serendipitous coincidence of cosmic proportions, it`s like move over Romeo and Juliet not that ended very well. Let`s all remember that.

然后突然间你在复述，你是如何相遇的，就像这宇宙比例的偶然巧合，就像罗密欧和朱丽叶，结局不是很好。让我们记住这一点。

So when you`re thinking you're not exactly being Romeo and Julian, and we`re actually living in the real world. I think the thing is the main sell. When you kind of fall for someone, is it`s like Yippee, I`m not along anymore. Hooray! Nailed it ! coz you get to-guess what you do?

所以当你认为你不是罗密欧和朱利叶，而我们实际上生活在现实世界中时，我想我们的内心活动是这样的.当你爱上某人时，是不是想的是，耶，我不再一个人孤单了。我成功了。因为你能猜到你在干什么？

You get to go home every night, and you get to your head on the pillow and you don't have to think about you know, your needs, your wants, your past, and actually kind of all the staff .that`s really probably stopping you from becoming happy, because you`re not fixing it.

你每天回到家，你躺倒床上，然后你就不必去思考你自己的需求，你的渴望，你的过往，所有的这些事，但是这可能阻碍了你得到真正的快乐，因为你没有真正解决自身的那些个问题。

Instead you get to be entrapped by somebody else , track by somebody else. You're intrigued by them. Your mind has someone new to spiral into and focus on. I think sometimes when you're focusing on that perfect romance, you're actually doing the real work to fix the stuff， that's really probably,stopping you from becoming happy.

相反，你会被其他人困住，被其他人跟踪。你对他们很感兴趣。你的大脑有一个新的人可以进入并专注于。我想有时候当你专注于完美的爱情时，你实际上是在做真正的工作来修复这些东西，这很可能，阻止你变得快乐。

And because that, I think that most of us, when it comes to love and dating, kind of need an epic timeout and reset, for myself I did six months cold turkey, no dating, no internet dating. And I went to all of two parties, literally you could have written out my love life on the back of a postage stamp.

因为这个，我想我们大多数人，在谈恋爱和约会的时候，需要一段放空和重启的时间，对我自己来说，我保持了六个月的空窗期，没有约会，没有网络约会。我总共就参加了两个派对，从字面上说，我以前的爱情经历轰轰烈烈，都可以把我的爱情生活写在邮票的背面。

It was that exciting. And all this from the girl who used to, honestly, I used to pride myself on having a ridiculous love life.

真是太令人兴奋了，而这一切都是从那个女孩那里得到的，说实话，我曾经为自己拥有一个疯狂的爱情生活而自豪。

The story if I was here two years ago, guys, I`d have told you some amazing stories, but you know what after all of that,and after everything that happened, I thought, I would quite like to know who I am again, because and I think I'm not alone here. If you're experiencing groundhog day, when it comes to your dating life, I think the thing is, you think that it's because your meeting loads players, or nice guys finish last or you just haven't met the one yet, or that dating is a numbers game.

如果是两年前我站在这里，我肯定会给你们讲我那些令人惊叹的爱情故事，但是你知道吗？在体验过那些爱情之后，在经历过所有之后，我觉得我特别想再一次了解“我是谁”，因为我知道，这不是我一个人这么想，如果你正在经历日复一日毫无新意的约会生活，我觉得问题在于你认为你遇到的都是些花花公子，最好的总在后边，或者只是你还没有遇到哪个对的人。或者把约会当作一个数字游戏。

But I think actually these truisms that surround dating aren`t in fact true at all. In fact, I think they lead us away from what the real issue is, because the problem and I know this doesn't make for a comfy listening.

但事实上，我认为这些围绕约会的真理根本就不是真的。事实上，我认为它们会让我们远离真正的问题所在，因为问题所在，而且我知道这并不能让人舒服地倾听。

The problem, it's with you ,it's with me. It's with ridiculous ideas around romance, it`s with our need that we haven't realized yet. It's with our past. We don't want to talk about it`s with our desires, it's with our inability to get through one day without picking up our smartphones. And it's what we value.

问题，是你，是我。是关于浪漫的荒谬想法，是我们还没有意识到的需要。是关于我们的过去。我们不想谈论我们的欲望，这是因为我们一天都不能不拿起智能手机度过难关，我们再珍视什么。

So I decided after all of that I was like, you know what, I'm done with groundhog day in love. I actually wanna to discover a bit more about myself, because the truth is, I wasn't even born Haley Quinn. Right? Right? I chose the name. I thought it sounded cool.

所以我决定在那之后，我想，你知道吗，我受够了一次又一次的情感经历。我真的想多了解自己一点，因为事实上，我也不是生来就是海莉·奎恩。对吧？对吧？我选了这个名字。我觉得听起来很酷。

I was actually born in Hayley Whitle. And when I was born, I was grew up in a poor family, my parents were disabled. I was already teased at school a lot for being the weird girl. I used to work as a dishwasher, and because of that. There was so much pain and shame in my past.

我其实出生时候叫海利·惠特，我出生的时候，在一个贫穷的家庭长大，父母都是残疾人。我在学校已经被戏弄了很多，因为我是一个奇怪的女孩。我曾经是一个洗碗工，正因为如此，在我的过去有太多的痛苦和羞愧。

I just didn't want to touch it. And the way I run away from it is I run away from it with love and with fantasy. But I decided after all that running, I wasn't really getting anywhere.

我只是不想碰它。我用爱情和幻想的方式来逃避它。但我发现逃避了这么久也没有逃避到哪里去。

I was just recreating the same mistakes time and time again. So I thought i'd better stop.I was like, I want to actually feel something. And I can tell you, when I stopped, I did feel, I think I cried every single day for the first month on the phone to my mom, which was awkward because I hadn't really spoken to her for about a decade at that stage.

我只是一次又一次地重复同样的错误。所以我想我最好停下来，我真的想感受一些东西。我可以告诉你，当我停下来的时候，我确实有所感受，在第一个月，每天都在给妈妈打电话哭，这很尴尬，因为我在那个阶段已经有很长时间没和她说过话了。

And then I `d come home, and I`d come home to this empty dirty house, with no guy, no baby, no possessions left in it. And then some days I`d wake up and the pain would be so bad. That it felt like my heart was burning. And to resist the temptation on that stage to not reach out and take that little plaster of dating or love or some attention to fix how I was feeling was really hard.

然后我回家，回到这间空荡荡的肮脏房子，没有男人，没有孩子，里面没有任何东西。然后有几天我醒来，会感到痛苦万分，感觉我的心在燃烧。而且再那个时候要抵制外界的诱惑，不会再用约会或者恋爱或者其他的事情来掩盖自己的真实感受，真的很难。

But gradually,you know what, A great thing happened is that I came back into the room, I became aware again, my mind start to work. I reconnected with my family. The friends that were left with the good ones.

但是渐渐的，你知道吗？ 发生了一件好事，那就是我回到之前的房间，我又变得清醒了，我的思维又开始正常运转了。我和家人的关系亲密了，和那些之前疏远了的好朋友又恢复了联络了。

And I stopped being so obsessed with going out every night of the week or whether someone had read my messages on whatsapp. So that's why if you`re listening to what I'm saying, if you even see a shadow of yourself, a little shadow of your story and my ridiculous life, I would advice just taking a time to take that pause. And I'm going to tell you why I'm actually going to sell it to you.

我不再那么痴迷于一周中的每一个晚上出去，或者有人读过我在whatsapp上的留言。所以如果你听我说的话，如果你甚至看到了自己的影子，你的故事和我荒谬的生活的一点影子，我建议你花点时间暂停一下。我会告诉你为什么要这样做，我要向你传达一种观点。

So here we go. first things first when you come home and your evening plans are make chicken soup and read a book, this no longer sounds bad. this sounds awesome. Although i'd like to point out my chicken soup literally still has the consistency of porridge, It's so bad. Work in progress work in progress.

那就是，首先，当你回到家里，你晚上要做的就是煲汤和读书，这不再是什么不好的事，其实着听起来很棒，尽管我必须承认我做的鸡汤还是稠的像粥一样，做的特别糟糕，但是我孩子努力，加油！

Second thing, when you stop waiting for your Prince or princess to come crashing through the door and save you and solve your life, you start kind of living in the here and now more.And when you live in the here and now. you become more grounded, you become more confident, you become stronger.

其次，当你不再等待你的王子或着公主冲进你房门，来拯救你和你的生活的时候，你会开始更投入的活在当下。而且当你活在当下的时候，你会变更加清醒理智，更加自信，更加强大。

You also become more self aware. And when you're away ,you become more aware of people around you. And you know I saw,and what I saw? I see people running away all the time, every single day of their lives.

你会变得更加了解自己，而当你了解自己的时候，你也会更加了解你身边的人，所以你知道我了解到什么了吗？我看到人们每天都在不停的奔跑，不停的逃避现实。

And then you see those situations, and you have the foresight to step back for a change rather than get involved.

然后你看到这种情况，你就会有一种远见，能够后退一步改变一下现状，而不是随波逐流。

I also learned that life is pretty dramatic as it is and it throws you plenty of challenges. So you don't really need to create any more and go out there on a mission to have more drama, you can just leave it.

我也同样认识到，生活就是特别狗血，他会扔给你一个又一个的挑战，所以你不必再去创造新的不必要的挑战。也不必像完成使命一样，出去寻找更所剧情了。你完全可以顺其自然，

I also finally realized you know well , those people say to you. They say you need to be alone before you can or be by yourself before you can meet someone else. I used to think those people were boring. Now I think that right, they`re definitely probably right. Because I think sometimes actually

我也终于意识到你很清楚，那些人对你说。他们说在你能遇见别人之前你需要独自一人，或者独自一人。我以前认为那些人很无聊。现在我认为是的，他们肯定是对的。因为我想有时候实际上--

when we actually confront our aloneness, and we start to deal with our needs and the past and all that horrible pain that, you know, as people, we just collect and carry with us throughout our lives.

--当我们真正面对我们的孤独，开始面对我们的需求和过往，以及所有的痛苦，那些我们一生累积和背负的痛苦。

When we deal with that, and we're not running from it, in endless people or endless dates. When we don't have anything to prove anymore.

当我们面对他们的时候，当我们不再用无数的恋人和无休止的约会来逃避痛苦的时候，当我们不再急于证明什么的时候。

When you don't need a destructive, ridiculous on-off relationship, in order to feel alive, in order to feel like you exist ,when you can just be, I kind of actually think that's real love.

当你不再需要破坏性的，断断续续的荒唐恋爱来证明自己还活着，证明自己真实存在的时候，当你能够一切顺其自然的时候，我觉得那才是真正的爱情。

Thanks very much.

非常感谢！