对陌生人说出“逆耳忠言”

You go to a formal dinner party. You talk to the person on one side during the starter, the other during the main course. Sometimes the conversation skips along, more often it drags and falters. You enjoy or endure the evening, and then you go home.

你参加一个正式晚宴。你在吃前菜期间与坐在你一边的人聊天，在吃主菜的时候与坐在你另一边的人聊天。有时谈话相当投机，更多时候则是拖泥带水，话说不到一起去。你享受(或者忍受)了一个晚上，然后你回家了。

That is, unless you are Robert Hiscox. The founder of the eponymous insurance company told me some years ago that at the end of a dinner party he turned to the people on either side and offered feedback on how he had found their conversation. He would say: “I enjoyed hearing your views on the EU, but you might have asked me about mine.” Or: “It was interesting to learn about how well your child did in his A-levels, but you seemed reluctant to discuss other topics.”

一般是这样的——除非你是罗伯特•希斯考克斯(Robert Hiscox)。用自己的姓氏创办保险公司的他在几年前告诉我，在晚宴结束的时候，他会转向坐在他某一边的人，针对他对与他们聊天的感觉给予反馈。他会说：“我乐于听到您对欧盟(EU)的看法，但您或许也该问问我对欧盟有什么看法。”或者：“了解您的孩子在高中水平考试(A-Levels)中成绩优异很有意思，但您似乎不太情愿谈论其他话题。”

At the time I was shocked. How could he be so rude? Mr Hiscox assured me that conversing at formal dinners is a skill; it is hard to get better at anything if no one tells you where you are going wrong. I protested that there was far too much feedback in the world anyway. Sometimes it was nice to be left alone to muddle through.

当时我就震惊了。他怎能如此粗鲁?希斯考克斯向我保证，在正式晚宴上交谈是一种技能;任何事情，如果没人指点你你在哪里出了错，你很难加以改进。我抗议道，无论如何这个世界已经有太多反馈意见。在不受打扰的情况下应付过去有时也不错。

Two things have made me change my mind. The first is in the years since then I have been to too many dinners and sat next to too many people who were not trying hard enough. The second is the realisation that although there is too much useless general feedback (no, I don’t want to rate my experience in security at Heathrow Terminal 5) there is almost no specific feedback that helps us improve.

两件事改变了我的看法。第一件事是，在那之后的多年间，我参加了太多晚宴，坐在太多不够尽力的人旁边。第二件事是，我意识到，虽然有太多无用的笼统反馈(不，我不想评价我在希斯罗机场5号航站楼的安检体验)，但几乎没有能够帮助我们改进的具体反馈。

Not long ago I got an email from a man who had been in the audience of a speech I had just given. “You really need to sort that hair/reading glasses challenge,” he wrote. “Every time you put your reading glasses on, your hair falls over your left eye and you then keep having to flick it out of the way — it looks most amusing, but must be awkward!! As a regular presenter, I always like to get feedback. Hope you don’t mind me pointing it out!”

不久前，我收到了一封邮件，我在那之前刚刚发表了一次演讲，邮件是一名观众发给我的。“你真的需要搞定头发/老花镜的挑战，”他写道，“每次当你戴上老花镜，你的头发就会遮住你的左眼，然后你就会不停地把头发撩开——这看起来极其好笑，但肯定很尴尬!!作为一个定期发表演讲的人，我总是喜欢得到反馈。希望你不介意我把这一点指出来!”

I did mind his pointing it out. Unlike him, I never like to get feedback, unless it is entirely positive. And in any case, how dare he? I never asked for his views. And if he thought a few exclamation marks would make his message more agreeable, he was making a grave error.

我的确介意。和他不一样，我从不喜欢得到反馈，除非这些反馈是完全正面的。再说无论如何，他怎么敢这样?我从未请求他给出意见。如果他觉得几个感叹号会让他的邮件更容易被接受，那么他就犯了一个严重的错误。

Yet his words struck home. It was not nice to think the audience’s merriment had been mainly on account of my hair. So for the next few speeches I printed out any notes in 24 point so I could read them without glasses, and have now cut my hair so short there is no further danger of flicking.

然而他的话对我触动很大。想到我的头发让观众不舒服，这使我郁闷。所以接下来的几次演讲，我都用24号字体尺寸把要点打印出来，这样我不需要眼镜也能阅读，我现在还把我的头发剪得很短，彻底消除需要撩开的危险。

On reflection, this man’s feedback was close to perfection. It was direct but not rude. It was clear about what was wrong — which was something fixable. It came from a disinterested source and was delivered by email — so saved my blushes.

细想之下，这个人给我的反馈接近完美。直接，但不粗鲁。明确地指出哪里不对劲——而这个问题是可以搞定的。这个反馈来自非利益相关方，并且是用邮件发过来的——免去了我在人前面红耳赤。

Last week, another piece of unsolicited feedback landed in my inbox. This time it was from someone who was thanking me for talking at a conference he had organised. After a gracious start, the email finished like this: “I always try to end with a tip for improvement. It was a little complicated to get in touch, confirm your travel plans, and do the arrangements. Can I suggest you get an assistant?”

上周，另一份“不请自来”的反馈发到了我的收件箱。这次邮件来自一个想要感谢我在他组织的会议上发言的人。在礼貌的开头后，这封邮件是这样结尾的：“我总是试着用一个改进的小建议结尾。与你联络上、确定你的旅行计划，做好安排有点复杂。我能建议你找个助理吗?”

This was also good in that it was clear — only rather harder to fix than the hair as assistants do not come cheap. Still, it told me that my habit of ignoring admin emails is not on. I have heeded the point and will try to sharpen up.

这个反馈也不错，因为很明晰——只不过要比头发问题更难改正，因为雇个助理可不便宜。不过，这告诉我，我无视事务性邮件的习惯不太好。我留意到了这一点，并且将努力改进。

The test of unsolicited feedback is not whether it is rude or unwelcome, but whether it serves the greater good. I no longer flick my hair, and am committed to replying more promptly: the world is a happier place.

检验不请自来的反馈的标准，不是这个反馈是否粗鲁或者不受欢迎，而是它是否服务于更大的善。我不再撩我的头发，也努力做到更迅速地回复邮件：这个世界更美好了。

Soon after my lunch with Mr Hiscox I was sat at a dinner next to a well-known snooty broadcaster. Throughout the meal I tried hard to be agreeable; he sat there taciturn, looking catatonic and mildly incredulous as I plied him with question and anecdote.

在我与希斯考克斯共进午餐之后不久，我在一次晚宴上坐在一位著名的目中无人的主持人旁边。在用餐期间，我努力做到友好可亲;他却坐在那里一言不发，在我向他抛出一大堆问题和轶事的时候看起来紧张和略微有些狐疑。

At the end of the evening I longed to offer him a report card, but bottled. I have regretted it ever since: I bet if I had explained his poor performance he would have been first shocked, then mortified. I dare say he would have liked me (even) less, but might have tried harder in future. Next time, I’m going for it.

晚宴结束时，我很想给他一张成绩单，但终于没能鼓起勇气。此后我一直为此后悔：我敢打赌，如果我向他解释他表现糟糕，他首先会震惊，然后感到难堪。我敢说，他之后会(更)不喜欢我了，但可能会在未来更加努力。下次我一定要试一试。