《渺小一生》:“你他妈的别搞砸了，圣弗朗

　 “Don’t fuck this up, St. Francis,” he said. “This is your chance, do you hear me?”

“你他妈的别搞砸了，圣弗朗西斯。”他说，“这是你的机会，听到没？”

　 “Yes, sir,” he’d said.

“是的，先生。”他说。

　 “Go on, then,” said Boyd, and released him, and he walked toward Mrs. Leary, who was standing in the doorway.

“那就去吧。”博伊德说着便放开他。他走向黎瑞太太，她正站在门口。

　 Mrs. Leary was fat, but her husband was simply big, with large red hands that looked like weaponry. They had two daughters, both in their twenties and both married, and they thought it might be nice to have a boy in the house, someone who could help Mr. Leary—who repaired large-scale farm machinery and also farmed himself—with the field work. They chose him, they said, because he seemed quiet, and polite, and they didn’t want someone rowdy; they wanted someone hardworking, someone who would appreciate what having a home and a house meant. They had read in the binder that he knew how to work, and how to clean, and that he did well on the home’s farm.

黎瑞太太胖胖的，而她先生纯粹就是魁梧，那双大大的红色手掌看起来像武器。他们有两个女儿，都二十来岁、嫁人了。他们觉得家里如果有个男孩应该不错，可以帮黎瑞先生（他专门修理大型农业机具，自己也务农）做些田里的活儿。他们说，之所以选中他，是因为他看起来很安静、有礼貌，他们可不想要一个惹是生非的捣蛋鬼；他们想要一个勤奋、懂得感激有个家的人。他们看过活页夹里的数据，知道他懂得干活儿，会打扫，而且听说他在少年之家的农场表现很好。

　 “Now, your name, that’s an unusual name,” Mrs. Leary said.

“你的名字可真不寻常啊。”黎瑞太太说。

　 He had never thought it unusual, but “Yes, ma’am,” he said.

他从没想过自己的名字不寻常，但还是说：“是的，夫人。”

　 “What would you think of maybe going by a different name?” Mrs. Leary asked. “Like, Cody, maybe? I’ve always liked the name Cody. It’s a little less—well, it’s a little more us, really.”

“或许换个名字，你觉得怎么样？”黎瑞太太问，“比方叫科迪呢？我一直很喜欢科迪这个名字。听起来比较——唔，比较像我们家的孩子。”

　 “I like Cody,” he said, although he didn’t really have an opinion about it: Jude, Cody, it didn’t matter to him what he was called.

“我喜欢科迪。”他说，其实他一点意见也没有。不管裘德还是科迪，对他来说，叫什么根本没差别。

　 “Well, good,” said Mrs. Leary.

“唔，很好。”黎瑞太太说。

　 That night, alone, he said the name aloud to himself: Cody Leary. Cody Leary. Could it be possible that he was entering this house as one person and then, as if the place were enchanted, transformed into another? Was it that simple, that fast? Gone would be Jude St. Francis, and with him, Brother Luke, and Brother Peter, and Father Gabriel, and the monastery and the counselors at the home and his shame and fears and filth, and in his place would be Cody Leary, who would have parents, and a room of his own, and would be able to make himself into whomever he chose.

那天夜里独自一人时，他对着自己说出那个名字：科迪·黎瑞，科迪·黎瑞。他走进那栋房子后，整个地方被施了魔法，把他变成另外一个人，有可能吗？就这么简单、这么快吗？裘德·圣弗朗西斯不见了，连带的，卢克修士、彼得修士、加布里埃尔神父、修道院，还有少年之家的辅导员以及他的羞愧、恐惧和污秽，全都一起消失。他会变成科迪·黎瑞，有父母，有自己的房间，可以成为任何他想成为的人。

　 The rest of the weekend passed uneventfully, so uneventfully that with each day, with each hour, he could feel pieces of himself awaken, could feel the clouds that he gathered around himself separate and vanish, could feel himself seeing into the future, and imagining the place in it he might have. He tried his hardest to be polite, and hardworking, and it wasn’t difficult: he got up early in the morning and made breakfast for the Learys (Mrs. Leary praising him so loudly and extravagantly that he had smiled, embarrassed, at the floor), and cleaned dishes, and helped Mr. Leary degrease his tools and rewire a lamp, and although there were events he didn’t care for—the boring church service they attended on Sunday; the prayers they supervised before he was allowed to go to bed—they were hardly worse than the things he didn’t like about the home, they were things he knew he could do without appearing resentful or ungrateful. The Learys, he could sense, would not be the sort of people who would behave the way that parents in books would, the way the parents he yearned for might, but he knew how to be industrious, he knew how to keep them satisfied. He was still frightened of Mr. Leary’s large red hands, and when he was left alone with him in the barn, he was shivery and watchful, but at least there was only Mr. Leary to fear, not a whole group of Mr. Learys, as there had been before, or there were at the home.

那个周末接下来的时间都平静地过去了，平静得让他觉得随着每个小时、每一天过去，心底的自己也逐渐苏醒，可以感觉到他刻意收拢在自己周围的那些云散开、消失，可以感觉到未来，可以想象自己在其中的位子。他尽力保持礼貌，并且勤奋工作，这并不难：早上他很早起床，给黎瑞夫妇做早餐并洗碗（黎瑞太太大声又夸张地夸赞他，让他害羞得对着地面微笑），帮黎瑞先生的工具去除油污，重新接好一盏灯的电线。虽然有些事情他并不喜欢，例如星期天上教堂做无聊的礼拜、睡前还要在他们夫妇面前祈祷，但这些事不会比少年之家那些他不喜欢的事情更糟，他知道自己做得到，绝不会露出怨恨或不知感激的神情。他可以感觉到，黎瑞夫妇不像课本里描述的父母，也不是他渴望中的那种父母，但他懂得如何勤奋工作，懂得如何让他们满意。他还是很怕黎瑞先生那双红通通的大手，每回谷仓里只剩他们两人时，他就会发抖、充满警觉，但至少要怕的只有一个黎瑞先生，而不是好几个——就像之前那样，或像在少年之家那样。

　 When Boyd picked him up Sunday evening, he was pleased with how he’d done, confident, even. “How’d it go?” Boyd asked him, and he was able to answer, honestly, “Good.”

博伊德星期天晚上来接他时，他为自己的表现感到高兴，甚至很自信。“状况怎么样？”博伊德问他。他可以很诚实地回答：“很好。”

　 He was certain, from Mrs. Leary’s last words to him—“I have a feeling we’ll be seeing much more of you very soon, Cody”—that they would call on Monday, and that soon, maybe even by Friday, he would be Cody Leary, and the home would be one more place he’d put behind him. But then Monday passed, and then Tuesday, and Wednesday, and then it was the following week, and he wasn’t called to the headmaster’s office, and his letter to the Learys had gone unanswered, and every day the driveway to the dormitory remained a long, blank stretch, and no one came to get him.

从黎瑞先生告别时跟他说的话——“科迪，我觉得我们很快就会再看到你了”，他很确定他们星期一就会打电话来，很快，甚至星期五之前，他就会成为科迪·黎瑞，而少年之家就可以成为另一个他抛在脑后的地方了。但星期一过去了，接着是星期二、星期三，然后是第二个星期，他都没被叫去院长办公室，他寄去黎瑞家的信也没人回，而且每一天通往宿舍的那条车道依然漫长、空荡，没有人来接他。

　 Finally, two weeks after the visit, he went to see Boyd at his workshop, where he knew he stayed late on Thursday nights. He waited through dinner out in the cold, the snow crunching under his feet, until he finally saw Boyd walking out the door.

最后，试住的两周之后，他知道星期四晚上博伊德会在工坊待到很晚，就跑去门口等他。他从晚餐时间起就在冰冷的户外等候，脚下的积雪嘎吱作响，直到博伊德走出门来。

　 “Christ,” Boyd said when he saw him, nearly stepping on him as he turned. “Shouldn’t you be back in the dorms, St. Francis?”

“天啊。”博伊德一看到他就说，转身时还差点踩到他，“圣弗朗西斯，你不是应该回宿舍吗？”

　 “Please,” he begged. “Please tell me—are the Learys coming to get me?” But he knew what the answer was even before he saw Boyd’s face.

“拜托，”他哀求道，“拜托告诉我——黎瑞夫妇要来接我了吧？”他看到博伊德的脸之前就知道答案了。

　 “They changed their minds,” said Boyd, and although he wasn’t known, by the counselors or the boys, for his gentleness, he was almost gentle then. “It’s over, St. Francis. It’s not going to happen.” He reached out a hand toward him, but he ducked, and Boyd shook his head and began walking off.

“他们改变心意了。”博伊德说。虽然辅导员和男孩们都公认博伊德不是个温柔的人，那一刻他几乎温柔起来，“结束了，圣弗朗西斯。他们不会收养你了。”他朝他伸出一只手，但他身子一缩躲开了。博伊德摇摇头走开。

　 “Wait,” he called, recovering himself and running as well as he could through the snow after Boyd. “Let me try again,” he said. “Tell me what I did wrong, and I’ll try again.” He could feel the old hysteria descending upon him, could feel inside him the vestiges of the boy who would throw fits and shout, who could still a room with his screams.

“等一下。”他喊道，总算回过神来，吃力地跑过雪地追上博伊德，“再让我试一次。告诉我，我做错了什么，我会再努力的。”他可以感觉到那久违的歇斯底里又降临了，心中那个乱挥拳乱叫、尖叫得吓呆全场的男孩又冒出头来。

　 But Boyd shook his head again. “It doesn’t work like that, St. Francis,” he said, and then he stopped and looked directly at him. “Look,” he said, “in a few years you’ll be out of here. I know it seems like a long time, but it’s not. And then you’ll be an adult and you’ll be able to do whatever you want. You just have to get through these years.” And then he turned again, definitively, and stalked away from him.

但博伊德再度摇头。“圣弗朗西斯，没有用的。”他说，停下来直视他，“听我说，再过几年，你就可以离开这里。我知道感觉好像很久，但其实并不是。然后你会成为大人，做你想做的事情。只要撑过这几年就好。”说完他又转身，这回很坚决地迈着大步离开了。

　 “How?” he yelled after Boyd. “Boyd, tell me how! How, Boyd, how?” forgetting that he was to call him “sir,” and not “Boyd.”

“怎么撑？”他在博伊德后头大喊，“博伊德，告诉我怎么做！怎么撑，博伊德，怎么撑？”他都忘了该尊称他为“先生”，而不该直呼“博伊德”。