人生不设限·第四章 爱上不完美的自己
One day during a tour of East Asia, I spoke to more than three hundred top business executives and entrepreneurs in Singapore. After I finished my presentation and as the hall was clearing, a dignified gentleman came rushing toward me. He looked as successful and self-assured as the rest of the distinguished audience, so his first words on reaching me were surprising.
“力克，帮帮我。”他恳求着。
"Nick, help me," he pleaded.
随后我知道，这位事业有成的男士拥有三家银行，但是他谦卑地请我帮助他，是因为财富无法让他避免他正在经历的极端痛苦。
As I came to learn, this accomplished man owned three banks, but he had humbly come to me for help because material wealth offered no protection from the anguish he was going through.
“我有个很棒的女儿，今年14岁。不知为了什么可怕的理由，每次她看到镜子里的自己都说丑死了。”这位父亲说道，“她完全看不到自己的美好，这真的让我伤透了心。我该如何让她看见我所见到的呢?”
"I have a wonderful daughter who is fourteen, and for some horrible reason every time she looks in the mirror she says she feels ugly," he said. "It's breaking my heart that she can't see that she is truly beautiful. How can I make her see what I see?"
这个男人的悲痛很容易被理解，因为对父母来说，最难承受的就是看着自己的儿女受苦。他正试图帮助女儿摆脱“自我厌弃”，这是非常重要的，因为如果年轻健康时都无法接受自己，那么等到年纪大了，身体又有病痛时，该怎么办呢?而且如果随随便便就厌恶自己，以后也很容易因为上百个任性且毫无价值的理由而讨厌自己。如果你一直把注意力放在缺点，而不是你的长处上，青春期的不安会让人掉入向下的螺旋之中。
It's easy to understand the man's distress, since the most difficult thing for parents to endure is their children suffering. He was trying to help her get through this self-hatred, which was so important, because if we can't accept ourselves when we are young and healthy, how will we feel when we age and experience the medical problems that come with advancing years? And if we hate ourselves for some random reason, it's quite easy to wind up replacing it with hundreds of other arbitrary and equally invalid ones. Youthful insecurities can send you plunging in a downward spiral if you allow yourself to focus on your flaws instead of your strengths.
《圣经》告诉我们，人是“奇妙可畏的受造物”[13]，那么，为何爱自己本来的样子，会是如此困难?为什么我们常常觉得自己不够美、不够高、不够瘦、不够好?我相信这位新加坡父亲一定用了非常多的爱与赞美，试图为女儿建立自信与自尊。父母与爱我们的人可能费尽一切心力，要让我们变得更坚强、更有自信，结果同学或主管、同事一句恶劣的批评，就让他们前功尽弃。
The Bible tells us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Why, then, is it so difficult for us to love ourselves just as we are? Why do we so often become burdened with feelings that we are not beautiful enough, not tall enough, not thin enough, not good enough? I'm sure this Singapore father lavished his daughter with love and praise, trying to build her confidence and esteem. Our parents and loved ones can wear themselves out trying to build us up, yet it only takes one mean remark from a classmate or nasty comment from a boss or co-worker to undo their efforts.
当我们让别人的意见左右我们对自己的感受，或是去跟别人比较时，就会变得脆弱，并落入受害者心态。当你不愿接受自己，也就不太愿意接受别人，结果只会导致孤独与孤立。有一次，我在对一群青少年演讲时提到，想要让自己更受欢迎的渴望，其实常常会让人排斥那些比较不引人注目或不是运动健将型的孩子。为了更清楚地说明我的观点，我提出一个很直接的问题：“你们有多少人会想跟我做朋友?”
We become vulnerable and fall into the victim's mentality when we base how we feel about ourselves on other people's opinions or compare ourselves with others. When you are unwilling to accept yourself, you are less willing to accept others, and that can lead to loneliness and isolation. One day I was speaking to a group of teens about how the desire to be popular often leads people to shun the less attractive or athletic kids in school. To make my point, I asked a straightforward question: "How many of you would like to be my friend?"
还好，大部分人都举手了。
To my relief, most of the people in the room raised their hands.
接着我又扔出另一个让他们很困窘的问题：“所以，我长得怎么样没关系，对不对?”
But then I asked a question that threw them off: "So it doesn't matter how I look, right?"
我让现场的孩子们思考几分钟。我们刚刚才谈到为了融入同侪，现代青少年花了太多时间在烦恼该如何穿衣服、该剪什么样的酷发型、体重不要太重也不要太轻、肤色不要太黑也不要太白之类的事。
I let it sink in for a few minutes. We'd just been talking about how kids spend so much time trying to fit in by wearing just the right clothes, having a cool haircut, and being not too heavy, not too thin, not too tan or too white.
“你们怎么会想跟一个没手没脚的家伙做朋友——他应该是你们碰过最怪的家伙——但是却不理某个同学，只因为他没有穿对牛仔裤，没有干净的肤色或标准身材?”
"How can you want to be friends with a guy with no arms and no legs—the most different guy you'll probably ever meet—but then reject classmates because they don't have the right jeans, or a clear complexion, or a body suited for the fashion runway?"
当你用严苛的标准评断自己，或是在自己身上加诸强大的压力时，就很容易批判他人。当你像上帝爱你一样地爱自己、接纳自己，就打开了通往平静与圆满的大门。
When you judge yourself harshly or put intense pressure on yourself, you become judgmental of others. Loving and accepting yourself as God loves you opens the door to a much greater sense of peace and fulfillment.
青少年与年轻人背负巨大压力，似乎全球皆然。我曾应邀到中国与韩国演讲，因为这些发展快速、辛勤工作的国家出现了日益严重的忧郁和自杀现象，让我很担心。
The pressures that teens and young adults feel seem to be universal. I've been invited to address young people in both China and South Korea because of concerns about high levels of depression and suicide in those rapidly developing, hard-working nations.
我所宣扬的爱自己与接纳自己，并不是指自私、自负。这种爱自己的形式其实是“没有自己”(self-less)——你的付出超过你所得到的;不等别人要求就自动供应;拥有的东西不多时依然与人分享;你借由带给别人欢笑而找到快乐;你爱自己是因为你不是只在意你自己;你对自己原本的样子很满意，因为你让别人在你身旁很高兴。
The kind of self-love and self-acceptance I'm advocating is not about loving yourself in a self-absorbed, conceited way. This form of self-love is self-less. You give more than you take. You offer without being asked. You share when you don't have much. You find happiness by making others smile. You love yourself because you are not all about yourself. You are happy with who you are because you make others happy to be around you.
但假如你就是无法爱自己，因为没有人爱你呢?我想，这是不可能的。你知道的，你我都是上帝的孩子，我们都拥有他无条件的爱、他的怜悯和他的宽恕。每个人都应该爱自己，了解自己是不完美的，并原谅自己的过错，因为上帝已为我们做了这一切。
But what if you just can't love yourself because no one else loves you? I'm afraid that is simply not possible. You see, you and I are God's children. Each of us can count on His unconditional love, His mercy, and His forgiveness. We should love ourselves, be understanding of our imperfections, and forgiving of our mistakes because God does all of that for us.
我曾经在南美哥伦比亚的一个戒毒中心演讲，听众包括吸毒者和曾经有过毒瘾的人，他们几乎不尊重自己身为人的价值，以至于用毒品摧毁人生。我通过翻译向他们保证，无论已经吸毒多久，上帝都无条件地爱他们。听到我这样说，这些人的脸上有了光彩。如果上帝愿意赦免我们的罪，像那样爱我们，为什么我们不能原谅自己、接纳自己?
During a tour of South America I spoke at a drug rehabilitation center in Colombia. The addicts and former addicts in my audience had so little regard for their value as human beings that they'd nearly destroyed themselves with drugs. I told them that God loved them no matter how long they'd been addicted. Their faces lit up when I assured them, through an interpreter, that God loved them unconditionally. If God is willing to forgive our sins and love us like that, why can't we forgive and accept ourselves? Like the daughter of the Singapore banker, these Colombian drug users lost their way because, for whatever reasons, they devalued their lives. They felt they were unworthy of the best that life had to offer. I told them that we are all worthy of God's love. If He forgives us and loves us, we should forgive and love ourselves and then strive for the best life possible.
就像那位新加坡银行家的女儿一样，这些哥伦比亚的毒瘾者也迷失了。他们因为某些理由贬低自己，觉得自己不配拥有最好的人生。我告诉他们，每个人都值得拥有上帝的爱，如果他赦免我们、爱我们，我们也应该原谅自己、爱自己，然后尽全力追求最美好的人生。
Like the daughter of the Singapore banker, these Colombian drug users lost their way because, for whatever reasons, they devalued their lives. They felt they were unworthy of the best that life had to offer. I told them that we are all worthy of God's love. If He forgives us and loves us, we should forgive and love ourselves and then strive for the best life possible.
当耶稣被问到最重要的诫命是什么时，他回答：第一条是尽心、尽性、尽意、尽力去爱上帝;第二条是要爱邻舍如同爱自己[14]。爱自己并非自私、自满或以自我为中心，而是将你的生命视为一份礼物，好好地照顾与分享，为人们带来祝福。
When Jesus was asked to name the most important commandments, he said the first was to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength, and the second was to love your neighbor as yourself. Loving yourself is not about being selfish, self-satisfied, or self-centered; it's about accepting your life as a gift to be nurtured and shared as a blessing to others.
不要执着于自己的不完美、失败或错误，而是要把焦点放在你所领受的祝福，以及你可以做出的贡献，无论贡献的是才华、知识、智慧、创意、勤奋，或是一个滋养人心的灵魂。你不必为了达到别人的期望而活：你可以定义自己的完美。
Instead of dwelling on your imperfections, your failings, or your mistakes, focus on your blessings and the contribution you can make, whether it's a talent, knowledge, wisdom, creativity, hard work, or a nurturing soul. You don't have to live up to anyone else's expectations. You can define your own version of perfection.
