双语·面纱 第七十六章

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She sat on the edge of the bed hiding her face with her hands.

“Would you like a drop of water?”

She shook her head. He went over to the washing-stand, filled the tooth-glass and brought it to her.

“Come along, have a little drink and you'll feel better.”

He put the glass to her lips and she sipped the water. Then, with horrified eyes, she stared at him. He was standing over her, looking down, and in his eyes was a twinkle of self-satisfaction.

“Well, do you think I'm such a dirty dog as you did?” he asked.

She looked down.

“Yes. But I know that I'm not a bit better than you. Oh, I'm so ashamed.”

“Well, I think you're very ungrateful.”

“Will you go now?”

“To tell you the truth I think it's about time. I'll just go and tidy up before Dorothy comes in.”

He went out of the room with a jaunty step.

Kitty sat for a while, still on the edge of the bed, hunched up like an imbecile. Her mind was vacant. A shudder passed through her. She staggered to her feet and, going to the dressing-table, sank into a chair. She stared at herself in the glass. Her eyes were swollen with tears; her face was stained and there was a red mark on one cheek where his had rested. She looked at herself with horror. It was the same face. She had expected in it she knew not what change of degradation.

“Swine,” she flung at her reflection. “Swine.”

Then, letting her face fall on her arms, she wept bitterly. Shame, shame! She did not know what had come over her. It was horrible. She hated him and she hated herself. It had been ecstasy. Oh, hateful! She could never look him in the face again. He was so justified. He had been right not to marry her, for she was worthless; she was no better than a harlot. Oh, worse, for those poor women gave themselves for bread. And in this house too into which Dorothy had taken her in her sorrow and cruel desolation! Her shoulders shook with her sobs. Everything was gone now. She had thought herself changed, she had thought herself strong, she thought she had returned to Hong Kong a woman who possessed herself; new ideas flitted about her heart like little yellow butterflies in the sunshine and she had hoped to be so much better in the future; freedom like a spirit of light had beckoned her on, and the world was like a spacious plain through which she could walk light of foot and with head erect. She had thought herself free from lust and vile passions, free to live the clean and healthy life of the spirit; she had likened herself to the white egrets that fly with leisurely flight across the rice-fields at dusk and they are like the soaring thoughts of a mind at rest with itself; and she was a slave. Weak, weak! It was hopeless, it was no good to try, she was a slut.

She would not go in to dinner. She sent the boy to tell Dorothy that she had a headache and preferred to remain in her room. Dorothy came in and, seeing her red, swollen eyes, talked for a little in her gentle, commiserating way of trivial things. Kitty knew that Dorothy thought she had been crying on account of Walter and, sympathizing like the good and loving wife she was, respected the natural sorrow.

“I know it's very hard, dear,” she said as she left Kitty. “But you must try to have courage. I'm sure your dear husband wouldn't wish you to grieve for him.”

第七十六章

她坐在床边，把脸埋在手掌中。

“你想喝点儿水吗？”

她摇了摇头，他走近水池，往玻璃杯中接了一些水，然后端给她。

“来吧，喝点儿水，你会感觉好点儿的。”

他把杯子放到她的嘴边，她抿了点儿水，然后，有点儿惊恐地盯着他。他站在她旁边，俯视着她，眼睛里闪烁着一种满足感。

“呃，你现在还认为我是卑鄙的家伙吗，就像你以前对我的看法？”他问道。

她低下了头。

“是的，但我知道我自己比你也好不到哪里去，哦，我真羞愧。”

“嗯，我觉得你有点儿忘恩负义。”

“你现在就走吗？”

“说实话，我觉得时间差不多了，我得在多萝西回来之前离开你的房间，还要整理妥当。”

他迈着扬扬得意的步伐走出了房间。

凯蒂坐了一会儿，仍然在床边，躬着个腰像个小傻瓜。她的脑袋空空的，一阵战栗传遍全身，她跌跌撞撞地站起身来，走到梳妆台前，一屁股坐到了椅子上。她盯着镜子中的自己，眼睛已经哭肿了，脸也被泪水弄花了，脸颊一边有一个红印子，是刚才他亲的。她用一种惊恐的目光看着自己，同样是这张脸，她原来还指望自己能痛改前非，可现在发现堕落的行为没有改观。

“下流坯。”她条件反射般地摇摆着头，“下流坯。”

然后，她把脸埋在手臂上，凄惨地哭了起来。耻辱，奇耻大辱！她不知道自己怎么了，太可怕了。她恨他，也恨自己。她自己竟然还能欣喜若狂。噢，真可恨！她无法再正视他的脸了，他是对的，他不娶她完全正确，因为她一钱不值，她比一个人尽可夫的妓女好不到哪里去，哦，甚至更坏，因为那些贫困的女人干这一行是为了面包。而在这栋房子里，多萝西在她痛苦无助、处于残酷的凄凉境地时接纳了她，而自己对她做了什么呀！她的肩膀因为抽泣而抖动着。现在一切都过去了，她原以为自己改变了，原以为自己很坚强，原以为自己回到香港后能够找回自我。新的想法在她心里生成，就像小小的黄蝴蝶在阳光下扇动着翅膀，她曾希望自己未来会过得更好，自由就像光的精灵在向她召唤，这世界就像开阔的草原，穿过它时，她可以迈着轻快的步伐，高高地昂起头。她原以为自己已经摆脱了欲望和卑鄙的感情困扰，能够自由自在地生活在纯净和健康的精神世界中。她把自己比拟成了那些黄昏时在稻田上空悠闲遨游的白鹭鸟，它们在休息时也会任由自己的思绪在天空翱翔。她是一个奴隶，软弱，软弱！没有希望，尝试改变也没有什么好处，她就是一个娼妇。

她没有去吃晚饭，让一个男仆告诉多萝西她头痛，想待在房间里。多萝西进来，看见她红肿的眼睛，用她温柔、同情的口吻和她聊了一些鸡毛蒜皮的小事。凯蒂知道多萝西以为她一直是在为沃尔特哭，她像一个善良和可爱的好妻子那样值得同情，自然而然的悲痛应该得到尊重。

“我知道你很难过，亲爱的。”她离开凯蒂时说道，“但你必须设法鼓起勇气，我坚信你亲爱的丈夫也希望你不要为他太难过。”