女性家长们，你是否为家庭旅行计划绝望过？

女性家长们，你是否为家庭旅行计划绝望过？

When the halloween candy goes on sale and the dulcet tones of Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You" are piping out of every store speaker, it can mean GO TIME for some folks.

当万圣节糖果开始销售，玛丽亚·凯莉的《我的圣诞礼物只有你》的悦耳音调从每个商店的扬声器中传出时，对一些人来说，这可能意味着该走了。

But there are also a lot of people , holidays can mean exhaustion, confronting familial trauma, managing your uncle's opinions and all kinds of overload.

但也有很多人，假期意味着疲惫、面对家庭创伤、处理好叔叔的意见以及各种各样的负担。

We asked Life Kit listeners for their trickiest situations around family and the holidays and invited Dr. Andrea Bonior, Licenced Clinical Psychologist to offer advice. Here are some excerpts of the letters we received along with some advice that will hopefully help you weather this holiday season with strength if the cheer and goodwill are hard to find.

我们向“生活工具箱”的听众询问了他们在家庭和假期中遇到的最棘手的情况，并邀请了安德烈亚·博尼奥尔博士提供建议。博尼奥尔博士是一名有执照的临床心理学家。以下是我们收到的信件的一些摘录，以及一些建议，如果你很难找到快乐和善意，希望这些建议能帮助你坚强地度过这个假期。

We're only using first names to identify the people who wrote in with questions, since their inquiries involve family relationships and are sensitive in nature.

我们只是用名字来确定写信来询问的人，因为他们的问题涉及家庭关系，本质上很敏感。

"The message that I hear around the holidays is that it's all about family. But I don't have that. It becomes stressful to try and find something I can do to fill that for Thanksgiving and for Christmas which seems to last for a full two months.

“我在节日期间听到的信息是，这一切都与家庭有关。但我没有。我很有压力，因为我想找点事来填满似乎会持续两个月的感恩节和圣诞节。
— Tory

—托里

My Family Doesn't Accept Me

我的家人不接受我

"I came out as a trans woman to my family several months ago and I haven't had a holiday with my extended family yet. I know my mom is coming around but my dad isn't and no extended family knows. I'm worried about whether I'll have to pretend to be a boy for a week or if I'll even be welcome at all. I'm dreading constantly being misgendered and treated like the nephew grandson I always presented to them rather than who I actually am. I'm dreading disguising myself just to make my family happy at my own expense."

“几个月前，我以变性女性的身份来到我家，但我还没有和家人一起度假。我知道我妈妈会回来，但我爸爸不会，其他家人还不知道（我的情况）。我担心这一周我得假装成一个男孩，或者我会不会受到欢迎。我害怕我的性别经常被误解，被当成我经常表现给他们的外甥和外孙（的形象），而不是真正的我。我害怕只为了让我的家人开心伪装我自己，而牺牲自己的利益。”

— Vivian

—薇薇安

"My husband and I are white and adopted our son from South America many years ago. Last year, at 30, he spended all of Thanksgiving in mourning and protest for the horrible things that have been perpetrated on native peoples. While I sympathize I view Thanksgiving as time to spend with friends and family to enjoy a good meal and to socialize. He has also become vegan. I want to be respectful of his very real concerns and choices but the rest of my family is not understanding and feels resentment that he doesn't just fit in. If I side with my son, the rest of the family suffers. If I side with the rest of my family, my son suffers."

“我和我丈夫是白人，多年前从南美收养了我们的儿子。去年，在他（我儿子）30岁的时候，他整个感恩节都在哀悼和抗议那些对原住民犯下的可怕罪行。虽然我感到同情，我认为感恩节是花时间与朋友和家人享受美食和社交。他也成为了素食主义者。我想尊重他真正关心的问题和选择，但我的家人并不理解他，对他不能融入（我们）感到不满。如果我站在儿子一边，其他家庭成员就会受苦。如果我站在我的家人一百年，我的儿子就会受苦。”

— Laura

—劳拉

Everyone's Needs Are More Important Than Mine

每个人的需要都比我的重要

"Experience has shown me that someone always forgets something important. So I have just maintained the sanity as much as possible by planning everything. I make a checklist and just start marking things off so that nothing is left behind that is important in keeping the peace on the road trip. Then there's the issue of traveling with an 85-year-old man who has to urinate almost before we pull out of the driveway, and together with my husband who is not the most understanding person about the needs of an 85-year-old man. Then I have two sons and a daughter. My daughter's needs, equally, are as important as my 85-year-old father. She also needs to go to the restroom often enough that it makes my husband crazy. So, there's that battle. There's the battle of arriving, of course, with peace and safely. The last person on the list for any of these road trip necessities is myself.

“经验告诉我，有些人总是会忘记一些重要的事情。所以我只是尽可能地通过计划每件事来保持理智。我制定了一份清单，然后开始做标记，这样就不会留下任何重要的东西，这对保持公路旅行的和平是很重要的。” 还有一个问题是，我要和一个85岁的老人一起旅行，他几乎在我们驶出车道之前就得小便，而我的丈夫对85岁老人的需求却不是最了解的人。然后我有两个儿子和一个女儿。我女儿的需求和我85岁的父亲一样重要。她还需要经常去洗手间，这足以让我丈夫发疯。就会有一场战争，当然，这场战争没有硝烟。当然，这是一场带着和平与安全抵达的战斗。清单上最后一个有旅途需求的人是我自己。

— Yolanda
— 尤兰达
 

This listener has really hit the nail on the head of what the holidays can be in some families: a time when everyone in a very, very large group is putting their needs on one (or a few) of the family's matriarchs who are struggling to do a TON of emotional, physical and mental labor in the interest of the holidays. Dr. Bonior says this is very common. "I hear this from so many women in particular, it's certainly not exclusive to them," she says.

这位听众真的一针见血地指出了一些家庭的节日中的情况：一个非常大的群体中的每个人都把他们的需求放在一个(或几个)家庭的女家长身上，她们为了假期的开心而努力做大量的情感、体力和脑力劳动。博尼奥尔博士说这是非常普遍的。“我从很多女性那里听到过这样的话，这肯定不是她们独有的”她说。

Here are a few takeaways that can help you through tough situations with family this holiday season:

以下是一些能帮助你在这个假期与家人度过难关的建议:

1. Find your own meaning for the holiday season.

找到你自己的节日意义。

2. If you know it's gonna be hard: find an ally and have an escape plan.

如果你知道这很难:找一个盟友，制定一个逃跑计划。

3. If someone is upset about something, share their concerns.

如果有人对某事感到沮丧，分享他们的忧虑。

4. Ask for the support you need.

寻求你需要的支持。