双语|现代散文:巴金 再忆萧珊

More Memories of Xiao Shan 再忆萧珊

◎ Ba Jin ◎ 巴金

Last night I met Xiao Shan[1] again in a dream．She held me by the hand and asked，“What's up，dear？You're a wreck.”“I'm all right，”I answered consolingly．Then she wept．And I woke up with grief in my heart.

昨夜梦见萧珊，她拉住我的手，说：“你怎么成了这个样子？”我安慰她：“我不要紧。”她哭起来。我心里难过，就醒了。

The lamplight was dim in my hospital ward．Every night，my son or son-in-law，who had been allowed to stay in the ward to look after me，would have my bedside lamp on until I fell asleep．The quiet of the night was disturbed probably by a noisy cement mixer at a nearby construction site．Besides，I heard the singing noise of cicadas．But how could there be cicadas in the depth of winter？Ah，it turned out to be the tingle in my own ears！

病房里有淡淡的灯光，每夜临睡前陪伴我的儿子或者女婿总是把一盏开着的台灯放在我的床脚。夜并不静，附近通宵施工，似乎在搅拌混凝土。此外我还听见知了的叫声。在数九的冬天哪里来的蝉叫？原来是我的耳鸣。

It was then my son's turn to look after me．He was sleeping quietly on a camp-bed close to a wall．Then，after a long while，he turned over in bed.

这一夜我儿子值班，他静静地睡在靠墙放的帆布床上。过了好一阵子，他翻了一个身。

I lay awake，recalling Xiao Shan's weeping sound．Then the ringing in my ears became even louder…I managed to call her quietly by her original name，“Yun Zhen！”Then，when I shut my eyes，the hospital ward suddenly changed.

我醒着，我在追寻萧珊的哭声。耳朵倒叫得更响了。……我终于轻轻地唤出了萧珊的名字：“蕴珍”。我闭上眼睛，房间马上变换了。

I was at home，in my bedroom downstairs．She was on another bed beside me，whispering her advice to me，“If you have any grievance，don't keep it from me．In no case should you swallow it alone.”…

在我们家中，楼下寝室里，她睡在我旁边另一张床上，小声嘱咐我：“你有什么委屈，不要瞒我，千万不能吞在肚里啊！”……

I stood beside her bed in a ward at Zhongshan Hospital．She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said，“I can't find it in my heart to leave you．Without me，who is to look after you？”…

在中山医院的病房里，我站在床前，她含泪地望着我说：“我不愿离开你。没有我，谁来照顾你啊？！”……

In the Zhongshan Hospital mortuary，I bent down to repeatedly pat with my hand a white cloth bag assuming the human shape．I uttered silent words tearfully，“Yun Zhen，I'm here，I'm here…”

在中山医院的太平间，担架上一个带人形的白布包，我弯下身子接连拍着，无声地哭唤：“蕴珍，我在这里，我在这里……”

I buried my face in a bed sheet．How I felt like uttering a couple of loud yells to give vent to my agony！I was just suffocating.“Where on earth can I ever find her again？”I kept asking myself．Then I was back in my Huadong Hospital，my ears tingling as usual.

我用铺盖蒙住脸。我真想大叫两声。我快要给憋死了。“我到哪里去找她？！”我连声追问自己。于是我又回到了华东医院的病房。耳边仍是早已习惯的耳鸣。

It's twelve years since she left me．Ah，twelve long years with its countless days and nights！Every time when I approach my gate on returning home，I will see her in my mind's eye greeting me with a smiling face and a gentle voice．But，when I step into the courtyard，I will see nothing but some flowerless green trees of various heights．Whenever I stand looking about on the steps leading to the room，the sight of her saying goodbye to our home for the last time will invariably appear vividly before my eyes：Neatly dressed，she looked somewhat impatient and melancholy and meanwhile also seemed to feel quite hopeful about things to come．When she was at the gate，she turned her head to give a look around…It seems like the car carrying her away has just left and the gate has just shut．No，she didn't leave by the two big green iron leaves of the gate．And the doorbell at that time wasn't so musical either．Twelve years ago，there wasn't a little girl entering the gate with a satchel on her back．why shouldn't Xiao Shan's face reappear at the gate？Why shouldn't she be here to see our lovely granddaughter Little Duan Duan？

她离开我十二年了。十二年，多么长的日日夜夜！每次我回到家门口，眼前就出现一张笑脸，一个亲切的声音向我迎来，可是走进院子，却只见一些高高矮矮的没有花的绿树。上了台阶，我环顾四周，她最后一次离家的情景还历历在目：她穿得整整齐齐，有些急躁，有点伤感，又似乎充满希望，走到门口还回头张望。……仿佛车子才开走不久，大门刚刚关上。不，她不是从这两扇绿色大铁门出去的。以前门铃也没有这样悦耳的声音。十二年前更不会有开门进来的挎书包的小姑娘。……为什么偏偏她的面影不能在这里再现？为什么不让她看见活泼可爱的小端端？

I seem to be standing all the time on the doorstep waiting for the arriving car and someone to come back．I've been waiting for twelve long years！I can't hear even in a dream her ringing laughter．I only remember how my children came home holding the cinerary casket in their hands．It was at first placed on top of a chest of drawers by my bedside in the downstairs bedroom．Later，at the end of the Cultural Revolution，when her upstairs bedroom，which had been sealed for ten years，was finally opened，I moved upstairs together with the cinerary casket，thus having her keep me company again during the long，long nights．So far I've been unable to rid myself of the endless dreams，in which I always see the same tearful eyes and the same worried look and knitted forehead，and hear the same words of advice uttered with the deepest concern for me．As though I'd been keeping untold grievances from her，or I'd fallen into a quagmire without being able to extricate myself，or I'd been again knocked down onto the ground and that with a foot put on me into the bargain[2]…Every night，every night，I hear her calling me in a low voice from the bedside casket and sobbing away.

我仿佛还站在台阶上等待车子的驶近，等待一个人回来。这样长的等待！十二年了！甚至在梦里我也听不见她那清脆的笑声。我记得的只是孩子们捧着她的骨灰盒回家的情景。这骨灰盒起初给放在楼下我的寝室内床前五斗橱上。后来，“文革”收场，封闭了十年的楼上她的睡房启封，我又同骨灰盒一起搬上二楼，她仍然伴着我度过无数的长夜。我摆脱不了那些做不完的梦。总是那一双泪汪汪的眼睛！总是那一副前额皱成“川”字的愁颜！总是那无限关心的叮咛劝告！好像我有满腹的委屈瞒住她，好像我摔倒在泥淖中不能自拔，好像我又给打翻在地让人踏上一脚。……每夜，每夜，我都听见床前骨灰盒里她的小声呼唤，她的低声哭泣。

Why do I still have dreams like this？Why am I still in spiritual chains of all descriptions？…It's no use lamenting．I should put an end to all dreams．I should pull myself up，even for the last time．The cinerary casket is in my home．I still cherish her beloved look in my heart．She'll be with me，as ever．Having been labelled as“monster”or“demon”[3] for ten years，I nevertheless don't feel isolated at all．I'm still courageous enough to march forward towards my final objective—the grave．After I die，I'll have all my personal effects donated to the State．My ashes，mixed with hers，shall be sprinkled over the garden to fertilize trees and flowers.

怎么我今天还做这样的梦？怎么我现在还甩不掉那种种精神的枷锁？……悲伤没有用。我必须结束那一切梦景。我应当振作起来，即使是最后的一次。骨灰盒还放在我的家中，亲爱的面容还印在我的心上，她不会离开我，也从未离开我。做了十年的“牛鬼”，我并不感到孤单。我还有勇气迈步走向我的最终目标——死亡，我的遗物将献给国家，我的骨灰将同她的骨灰搅拌在一起，洒在园中，给花树作肥料。

…The alarm clock went off．I opened my wearied eyes wide．The alarm clock on the small bedside cabinet had been brought by myself from my home to the hospital ward．I was to get up at 6:30 according to the winter daily schedule．My son helped me put on my clothes and get out of bed，not knowing what dreams I had had on the previous night and how many times I had waked up from my dreams.

……闹钟响了。听见铃声，我疲倦地睁大眼睛，应当起床了。床头小柜上的闹钟是我从家里带来的。我按照冬季的作息时间：六点半起身。儿子帮忙我穿好衣服，扶我下床。他不知道前一夜我做了些什么梦，醒了多少次。

《再忆萧珊》是当代中国文学大师巴金写于1984年1月的一篇散文，选自他的散文集《随想录病病中集》。萧珊为巴金的爱妻，在文革时期受到迫害，身心交瘁，以致得病未能及时治疗而逝世。粉碎“四人帮”后，巴金曾写了第一篇悼念她的文章《悼念萧珊》。萧珊去世十二年后，巴金再度写了悼念亡妻的文章，题名《再忆萧珊》。全文写得事细情深，深沉含蓄，余味不尽。