《渺小一生》:他忽然觉得很不自在

　 “Yes!” says Willem, triumphantly. “That’s her!”

“没错！”威廉得意地说，“就是她！”

　 “God, Willem, give me some credit; it was just last week.”

“老天，威廉，别那么瞧不起我吧，那不过是上星期的事。”

　 “I know, I know. Well, anyway, here’s the thing—she’s interested in you.”

“我知道，我知道。唔，总之呢，事情是这样的——她对你有兴趣。”

　 He is perplexed. “What do you mean?”

他没搞懂：“什么意思？”

　 “She asked Robin if you were single.” He pauses. “I told her I didn’t think you were interested in seeing anyone, but I’d ask. So. I’m asking.”

“她跟罗宾问起你是不是单身。”威廉停了一下，“我跟她说我不认为你有兴趣跟任何人交往，但是我会问问。所以，现在我就在问你了。”

　 The idea is so preposterous that it takes him a while to understand what Willem’s saying, and when he does, he stops, and laughs, embarrassed and disbelieving. “You’ve got to be kidding, Willem,” he says. “That’s ridiculous.”

这个想法实在太荒唐了，他花了好一会儿才搞懂威廉的意思，然后他停下脚步大笑，难为情又难以置信。“威廉，你一定是在开玩笑。”他说，“这太荒谬了。”

　 “Why is it ridiculous?” asks Willem, suddenly serious. “Jude, why?”

“为什么荒谬？”威廉问，忽然严肃起来，“裘德，为什么？”

　 “Willem,” he says, recovering himself. “It’s very flattering. But—” He winces and laughs again. “It’s absurd.”

“威廉，”他说，平静下来，“我觉得很荣幸。可是……”他扮了个鬼脸又大笑，“这真的太荒谬了。”

　 “What is?” Willem says, and he can feel the conversation turn. “That someone should be attracted to you? This isn’t the first time this has happened, you know. You just can’t see it because you won’t let yourself.”

“哪里荒谬？”威廉说，他可以感觉到这段对话转向了，“是有人会被你吸引吗？这种事又不是第一次。你看不到，是因为你不让自己看到。”

　 He shakes his head. “Let’s talk about something else, Willem.”

他摇摇头：“威廉，我们谈点别的话题吧。”

　 “No,” says Willem. “You’re not getting out of this one, Jude. Why is it ridiculous? Why is it absurd?”

“不，”威廉说，“这回你别想逃避，裘德。为什么这样很荒谬？为什么很荒唐？”

　 He is suddenly so uncomfortable that he actually does stop, right on the corner of Fifth and Forty-fifth, and starts scanning the avenue for a cab. But of course, there are no cabs.

他忽然觉得很不自在，完全停下了脚步，就在第五大道和45街的交叉口，他想找辆出租车。当然，没有出租车。

　 As he considers how to respond, he thinks back to a time a few days after that night in JB’s apartment, when he had asked Willem if JB had been correct, at least in some part: Did Willem resent him? Did he not tell them enough?

他正在思索该怎么回应时，忽然想起在杰比公寓那一晚的几天后，他曾问威廉杰比是不是没说错，至少就某部分而言：威廉怨恨他吗？因为他告诉他们的事情不够多？

　 Willem had been silent for such a long time that he knew the answer even before he heard it. “Look, Jude,” Willem had said, slowly, “JB was—JB was out of his mind. I could never be sick of you. You don’t owe me your secrets.” He paused. “But, yes, I do wish you’d share more of yourself with me. Not so I could have the information but so, maybe, I could be of some help.” He stopped and looked at him. “That’s all.”

威廉沉默好久，还没开口，他就知道答案了。“听我说，裘德，”当时威廉缓缓地说，“杰比当时……当时他发神经了。我永远不会讨厌你的。你没有义务把秘密告诉我。”他暂停一下，“不过没错，我的确希望你多告诉我一些你的事。不是我想知道，而是如果你说了，那么或许我可以帮上一点忙。”他停下来看着他，“就这样。”

　 Since then, he has tried to tell Willem more things. But there are so many topics that he has never discussed with anyone since Ana, now twenty-five years ago, that he finds he literally doesn’t have the language to do so. His past, his fears, what was done to him, what he has done to himself—they are subjects that can only be discussed in tongues he doesn’t speak: Farsi, Urdu, Mandarin, Portuguese. Once, he tried to write some things down, thinking that it might be easier, but it wasn’t—he is unclear how to explain himself to himself.

从那时开始，他就试着告诉威廉更多事。但自打二十五年前安娜过世以来，有太多话题他根本没跟人谈过，他发现，他确实找不到字眼去描述。他的过去、他的恐惧、在他身上发生过的事情——这些话题只能用他不会讲的语言谈：波斯语、乌尔都语、中文、葡萄牙语。他一度试着写下来，觉得或许比较容易，结果并没有——他不知道该怎么跟自己解释这一切。

　 “You’ll find your own way to discuss what happened to you,” he remembers Ana saying. “You’ll have to, if you ever want to be close to anyone.” He wishes, as he often does, that he had let her talk to him, that he had let her teach him how to do it. His silence had begun as something protective, but over the years it has transformed into something near oppressive, something that manages him rather than the other way around. Now he cannot find a way out of it, even when he wants to. He imagines he is floating in a small bubble of water, encased on all sides by walls and ceilings and floors of ice, all many feet thick. He knows there is a way out, but he is unequipped; he has no tools to begin his work, and his hands scrabble uselessly against the ice’s slick. He had thought that by not saying who he was, he was making himself more palatable, less strange. But now, what he doesn’t say makes him stranger, an object of pity and even suspicion.

“你会找到自己的方法，去谈你过去发生的事。”他还记得安娜所说的话，“你非得找到不可，如果你想跟任何人亲近的话。”他后来常常希望自己当时愿意跟她谈，让她教自己谈的方法。他的沉默一开始是一种保护，但经过这些年，已经转变成某种近乎压迫的东西，反过来控制他。现在即使他想摆脱沉默，都没办法了。他想象自己浮在一个小水泡中，上下四周都冻成厚厚的冰墙，厚达数英尺。他知道有个办法可以出去，但手上没有工具；他不知道如何下手，于是双手徒劳地在滑溜的冰上乱扒。他本来一直以为，只要不谈自己的过去，他就会比较讨人喜欢，也比较不奇怪。但现在，他没讲的部分却让他更奇怪，成为怜悯，甚至怀疑的目标。

　 “Jude?” Willem prompts him. “Why is it absurd?”

“裘德？”威廉这会儿逼问他，“为什么很荒谬？”

　 He shakes his head. “It just is.” He starts walking again.

他摇摇头：“反正就是很荒谬。”他又开始往前走。

　 For a block, they say nothing. Then Willem asks, “Jude, do you ever want to be with someone?”

两人安静地走了一个街区。然后威廉问：“裘德，你想过要找个伴吗？”

　 “I never thought I would.”

“我从没想过我能找到。”