《渺小一生》:“因为这是真的啊。”

　 “But that’s not what I asked.”

“我问的不是这个。”

　 “I don’t know, Willem,” he says, unable to look at Willem’s face. “I guess I just don’t think that sort of thing is for someone like me.”

“不知道，威廉，”他说，不敢看威廉的脸，“我想我只是觉得那种事情不适合我这样的人吧。”

　 “What does that mean?”

“什么意思？”

　 He shakes his head again, not saying anything, but Willem persists. “Because you have some health problems? Is that why?”

他又摇头，没说话，但威廉又逼近：“因为你有健康问题？就是这个原因吗？”

　 Health problems, says something sour and sardonic inside him. Now, that’s a euphemism. But he doesn’t say this out loud. “Willem,” he pleads. “I’m begging you to stop talking about this. We’ve had such a good night. It’s our last night, and then I’m not going to see you. Can we please change the subject? Please?”

健康问题，他心里有个尖酸刻薄的声音说，这个说法可真是婉转啊。但是他没说出来。“威廉，”他恳求道，“我求你，不要再谈这些了。我们有这么美好的一晚。这是我们的最后一夜，接下来很久我都见不到你了。能不能换个话题？拜托？”

　 Willem doesn’t say anything for another block, and he thinks the moment has passed, but then Willem says, “You know, when we first started going out, Robin asked me whether you were gay or straight and I had to tell her I didn’t know.” He pauses. “She was shocked. She kept saying, ‘This is your best friend since you guys were teenagers and you don’t know?’ Philippa used to ask me about you as well. And I’d tell her the same thing I told Robin: that you’re a private person and I’ve always tried to respect your privacy.

威廉默默走了一个街区，才又开口：“你知道，我和罗宾刚开始交往时，她问我你是同性恋者还是异性恋者，我只好跟她说我不知道。”他暂停一下，“她当时很震惊，一直说：‘你们从十来岁开始就是最要好的朋友，你居然不知道？’菲莉帕以前也问过我你的事。我也只能告诉她我跟罗宾说的：你很不愿意谈自己，而我向来试着尊重你的隐私。

　 “But I guess this is the kind of stuff I wish you’d tell me, Jude. Not so I can do anything with the information, but just because it gives me a better sense of who you are. I mean, maybe you’re neither. Maybe you’re both. Maybe you’re just not interested. It doesn’t make a difference to me.”

“但是我想，裘德，性倾向这类事情，我希望你能告诉我。不是因为我可以拿这些信息做什么，只是这样我能更了解你。我的意思是，或许你两种都不是，或许你两种都是，也或许你就是没兴趣。对我来说都没有差别。”

　 He doesn’t, he can’t say anything in response, and they walk another two blocks: Thirty-eighth Street, Thirty-seventh Street. He is conscious of his right foot dragging against the pavement the way it does when he is tired or dispirited, too tired or dispirited to make a greater effort, and is grateful that Willem is on his left, and therefore less likely to notice it.

他没说任何话，也说不出话来。于是他们又走了两个街区：38街、37街。他感觉到自己的右脚在人行道上拖着，知道自己太累或太沮丧时就会这样，只因为实在累得或沮丧得没法更努力了。同时，他也庆幸威廉走在他左边，不太会注意到。

　 “I worry sometimes that you’ve decided to convince yourself that you’re somehow unattractive or unlovable, and that you’ve decided that certain experiences are off-limits for you. But they’re not, Jude: anyone would be lucky to be with you,” says Willem a block later. Enough of this, he thinks; he can tell by Willem’s tone that he is building up to a longer speech and he is now actively anxious, his heart beating a funny rhythm.

“我有时很担心，你已经决定要说服自己，说你自己就是没吸引力或不讨人喜欢，于是判定某些经验跟你绝缘。但其实不是这样的，裘德，任何人跟你在一起，都是他们的福气。”威廉在一个街区后说。够了，他心想。从威廉的口气，他知道往下他要谈更多，于是他焦虑起来，心脏跳得很快。

　 “Willem,” he says, turning to him. “I think I’d better take a taxi after all; I’m getting tired—I’d better get to bed.”

“威廉，”他说，转向他，“我想我们最好叫个出租车。我累了——我最好上床休息了。”

　 “Jude, come on,” says Willem, with enough impatience in his voice that he flinches. “Look, I’m sorry. But really, Jude. You can’t just leave when I’m trying to talk to you about something important.”

“裘德，拜托，”威廉说，口气很不耐烦，让他缩了一下，“听我说，对不起。但是真的，裘德。我现在试着要跟你谈一件重要的事情，你不能就这样离开。”

　 This stops him. “You’re right,” he says. “I’m sorry. And I’m grateful, Willem, I really am. But this is just too difficult for me to discuss.”

这话让他停了下来。“你说得没错。”他说，“对不起。我很感激你，威廉，真的。但要谈这件事，对我来说实在太困难了。”

　 “Everything’s too difficult for you to discuss,” says Willem, and he flinches again. Willem sighs. “I’m sorry. I always keep thinking that someday I’m going to talk to you, really talk to you, and then I never do, because I’m afraid you’re going to shut down and then you won’t talk to me at all.” They are silent, and he is chastened, because he knows Willem is right—that is exactly what he’d do. A few years ago, Willem had tried to talk to him about his cutting. They had been walking then too, and after a certain point the conversation had become so intolerable that he had hailed a cab and frantically pulled himself in, leaving Willem standing on the sidewalk, calling his name in disbelief; he had cursed himself even as the car sped south. Willem had been furious; he had apologized; they had made up. But Willem has never initiated that conversation again, and neither has he. “But tell me this, Jude: Are you ever lonely?”

“要谈任何事，对你来说都太困难了。”威廉说，他又缩了一下，威廉叹口气，“对不起。我老想着有一天我要跟你谈，真正谈开来，但始终没谈，因为我怕你会把自己封闭起来，然后就不跟我讲话了。”两人都不说话。他觉得很内疚，因为他知道威廉说得没错，他的确会这样做。几年前，威廉曾试着跟他谈他自残的事情。当时他们也在走路，谈到某个地步，对话忽然变得难以忍受，他就招了一辆出租车，匆忙爬上去，留下威廉站在人行道上，难以置信地喊着他的名字。车子往南飞驰的时候，他开始暗自咒骂自己。后来威廉很生气，他也道了歉，他们就又和好了。威廉再也没谈过这类事情，他也没有。“但是裘德，告诉我一件事吧，你会觉得孤单吗？”

　 “No,” he says, finally. A couple walks by, laughing, and he thinks of the beginning of their walk, when they too were laughing. How has he managed to ruin this night, the last time he will see Willem for months? “You don’t need to worry about me, Willem. I’ll always be fine. I’ll always be able to take care of myself.”

“不会。”最后他终于说。一对伴侣走过去，大笑着。他想到他们刚开始走路时，两个人也在大笑。他怎么会毁掉这一夜，毁掉他几个月来最后一次见到威廉的机会？“威廉，你不必担心我。我会一直好好的。我总有办法照顾自己的。”

　 And then Willem sighs, and sags, and looks so defeated that he feels a twist of guilt. But he is also relieved, because he senses that Willem doesn’t know how to continue the conversation, and he will soon be able to redirect him, and end the evening pleasantly, and escape. “You always say that.”

然后威廉叹气，整个人沮丧不已，看起来挫败极了，让他觉得很罪恶。但他也松了口气，因为他感觉到威廉不知道如何谈下去，很快他就可以换个话题，愉快地结束这一晚，然后逃避。“你总是这么说。”

　 “Because it’s always true.”

“因为这是真的啊。”

　 There is a long, long silence. They are standing in front of a Korean barbeque restaurant, and the air is dense and fragrant with steam and smoke and roasting meat. “Can I go?” he asks finally, and Willem nods. He goes to the curb and raises his arm, and a cab glides to his side.

他们又沉默了许久，站在一家韩国烤肉餐厅的门口，空气中充满蒸汽、烟雾和烤肉的气味。“我可以离开了吗？”最后他终于问。威廉点点头。他走到人行道边缘举起手，一辆出租车停下。

　 Willem opens the door for him and then, as he’s getting in, puts his arms around him and holds him, and he finally does the same. “I’m going to miss you,” Willem says into the back of his neck. “Are you going to take care of yourself while I’m gone?”

威廉帮他开门。他要上车时，威廉双手拥住他不放，他也拥住威廉。“我会想念你的。”威廉对着他的颈背说，“我不在的时候，你会好好照顾自己吗？”

　 “Yes,” he says. “I promise.” He steps back and looks at him. “Until November, then.”

“会的。”他说，“我保证。”他退后看着他，“那就十一月见了。”

　 Willem makes a face that’s not quite a smile. “November,” he echoes.

威廉勉强挤出半个微笑。“十一月见。”他也说。