人生不设限·成功与幸福所需的人际能力

“人际关系能力”这个词被广泛使用，但其实定义不太明确。我们都以为自己的社交技巧不错，但其实你我的人际能力都还有进步的空间。

"People skills" is a widely used term but is rarely well defined. We all like to think we have great people skills, just like most of us are under the illusion that we are great drivers. My brother teases that I'm the world's worst backseat driver even though I've never had a legal driver's license. According to him, my people skills are a work in progress. Yours should be a work in progress too.

获得成功与幸福所需要的技巧，我们不是理所当然就会的。你的生命可以不受限，但你不能过一个无法与他人建立信任关系的人生。这就是为什么你应该自我监测、评估，并且努力锻炼、琢磨你跟周遭人打交道的方式。心理学家指出，要建立信任联结及互相支持的关系，必须仰赖几种基本的人际关系能力，包括：

No one should take for granted skills that are critical to success and happiness. You can live a life without limits, but you can't live a life without trusting relationships. That is why you should always self-monitor, assess, and work to develop and refine the ways in which you engage with those around you. Psychologists say that our ability to build bonds of trust and mutually supportive relationships depends on a few primary people skills. These include the ability to:

觉察他人的情绪和心情

● Read emotions and moods

仔细聆听他人说话的内容及方式

● Listen attentively to what others say and how they say it

评估、理解他人的非言语信号，并有所回应

● Assess, comprehend, and react to nonverbal signals from others

主导社交聚会

● Navigate any social setting or gathering

快速与他人建立联结

● Bond quickly with others

在任何情境下都能发挥魅力

● Turn on the charm in any situation

练习得体的态度与自我控制

● Practice tact and self-control

以行动展现对他人的关怀

● Demonstrate care for others with actions

现在，就让我们仔细地逐一检视这些基本的人际能力。

Now let's look at each of those basic people skills in more detail.

读人

Taking a Read

每个人多少都具备阅读肢体语言、声调、脸部表情及眼神的技能。我们总是不由自主地抓到这些信号，大部分人甚至可以看出某人正在假装生气，或者假装疼痛，为的是引起注意。心理学家说，读人的能力会随着年纪增长而进步，而且女人往往比男人厉害，尤其是有小孩的女性——这并不让我感到意外。我妈妈读我跟读书一样，好像常常事先就知道我不舒服、受伤害、受挫折，或是觉得难过。

Reading body language, tone of voice, facial expressions, and the look in someone's eyes is a skill we all have to some degree. We really can't help but pick up these signals. Most people can even tell when someone is pretending to be angry but isn't, or is faking pain just for attention. Psychologists say this skill improves as we age, and women are generally better at it than men. I wasn't surprised to learn that women with children are especially good at it. My mum could read me like a book. She often seemed to know before I did when I felt sick, hurt, frustrated, or sad.

聆听以了解他人

Listening to Understand

许多父母常说：“上帝只给了你一张嘴，但给了你两只耳朵，所以你听别人讲的话，应该两倍于你自己所说的话。”但我们常常没有仔细聆听，以了解别人在说些什么，反而稍微听一下就忙着回应。想要真正与别人产生联结，就必须考虑到言语背后的情绪，而不是只听到言语本身。我不是两性关系专家，不过倒是看过不少男性朋友为此所苦。女人的直觉力较强，所以常常被实事求是的男人气到，因为男人比较容易接收到话语，而不是情绪。

This is what your parents were talking about when they said "God gave you just one mouth but He gave you two ears, so you should listen twice as much as you speak." Too often we don't listen to understand. Instead, we listen just enough so we can respond. To really connect, you have to take into account the feeling behind the words, not just the words themselves. I'm no relationship expert, but I've seen my fellow men struggle with this. Women are known to be more intuitive and can become frustrated with men, who tend to be more literal. They tune in to the words rather than the emotions.

掌握信息，适当反应

Get It and Go with It

仔细聆听与观察很重要，但更重要的是准确评估听到和观察到的内容，然后采取适当行动。擅长此道的人通常拥有较好的人际关系，在工作上也有比较高的成就，而这也可能是一种生存技能。《纽约时报》报道过一个故事：两名驻伊拉克的美军有次在巡逻时看见一辆停着的车子，里面有两个年轻人，虽然外面气温高达约49摄氏度，但车窗是紧闭的。其中一个士兵问另一个——一名陆军中士——他可不可以拿点水给那两个男孩喝，顺便靠近那辆车子。

It's one thing to listen and observe carefully, but it's even more important to take what you hear and observe, accurately assess it, and then act upon it. The people who do this well tend to have the best relationships and to be high achievers in their work. It can also be an important survival skill. The New York Times reported a story about two American soldiers on patrol in Iraq who saw a parked car with two young boys inside. The windows were rolled up even though it was 120 degrees outside. One of the soldiers asked the other, his patrol sergeant, if he could offer the boys some water and took steps toward the car.

那名中士看了一下周遭环境，预测到危险，于是下令巡逻兵赶快退后。就在士兵转过身时，有枚炸弹在车里爆炸了，两个年轻人当场被炸死，而那位本来想去帮助他们的士兵则被碎片击中，所幸生命无碍。

The sergeant looked at the entire scene around them and sensed danger. He ordered the patrol to fall back. Just as his soldier turned around, a bomb exploded inside the car. The two boys were killed. The soldier who wanted to help them was hit by shrapnel but survived.

后来那名中士回忆说，当他看见士兵靠近那辆车子时，“我的身体起了一阵凉意——你知道的，就是那种‘危险’的感觉。”其他细微的线索则是更早就触动了他的天线——当天早上没有人对他们开枪，这颇不寻常。再说，那天街上比平常安静了许多。

Later the sergeant would recall that when he saw his soldier move toward the car, "My body got cooler; you know that danger feeling." Other subtle clues had tweaked his antennae earlier. No shots had been fired at them that morning, which was unusual, and overall the streets had been quieter than they were on a typical day.

针对退伍军人的研究显示，他们十分依赖感觉、肢体语言和反常现象(“就是有点怪怪的”)来迅速解读周遭环境。这种能力不只对人际关系很重要，对生存也是。不只对退伍军人很重要，对我们也是。

Studies of veteran soldiers have shown how they rely on their ability to quickly read and interpret their surroundings based on sensations, body language, or anomalies that "just don't fi t." This is critical not just for relationships but for survival, for them and for us.

搞定一屋子人

Work the Room

知道什么是合宜的举止，并融入周围情境——无论是在教会、私人乡村俱乐部、公司野餐，或者只是一顿简单的晚餐，是另一个重要的社交技能。你必须尊重所处的环境。每次到国外访问，我通常会请主办单位或翻译人员帮助我了解当地的习惯和传统，以免犯下让听众对我产生敌意的错误。

Knowing how to act appropriately and fit in—whether at a church social, a private country club, an employee picnic, or a simple dinner—is another important people skill. You have to respect where you are. When visiting foreign lands, I often ask my host or interpreter to help me understand local customs and traditions so that I don't make a mistake that alienates my audience.

有些事在自己家里做没关系，但在某些国家就不可以了。例如吃饭时打嗝在大多数地方都被认为是很没礼貌的行为，不过在某些地方，打个响亮的饱嗝可是对厨师的赞美。更严格地来说，有些话题你在某些情境下要避免提及，例如过去的对立冲突和政治议题，或者在某些情况下，连宗教话题也会惹上麻烦。

There are certain actions you do while dining at home that you should never do during meals in certain countries. In most places belching is considered the height of rudeness, but in some places a good raucous burp is considered a compliment to the chef. On a more serious note, there are topics you should avoid in certain settings. Mentioning old conflicts, politics, and in some cases, even religion can only lead to trouble.

然而，有些与人互动之道是放诸四海皆准的。长大之后我了解到，与他人打交道时，聆听是最有用的技巧，特别是当你要“搞定一屋子人”时。

But you can always find common ground for engaging with others. As I've matured, I've learned that listening is the most valuable skill for engaging others, especially when you are "working the room" in a large crowd.

与他人建立联结的能力

Bond Ability

我们不只通过言语，也会凭借表情和肢体语言来与人建立联结，这包括与其他人互动时，我们会把自己摆在哪个位置。通常是直到有人闯进我们的个人空间，才会让我们注意到这件事。例如，“喜欢挨得很近说话的人”或许正试着跟人产生联结，却往往只会让人想逃。很难断言讲话时双方到底要保持什么样的距离，因为我们会欢迎某些人进入我们的个人空间，对某些人则不。有一次在一场派对上，某个朋友向我投来十分恐慌的眼神，因为有四个人争着要引起他的注意，把他挤到角落去了。他们的气势强过他，让我的朋友看起来就像一只被猎犬逼到绝境的狐狸。

We bond with others not just through words but through our expressions and body language, which includes how we position ourselves in relation to others. We often aren't aware of our positioning until someone who is spatially impaired invades our personal space. Close talkers, for example, may be trying to bond, but they tend to send people fleeing. It's a difficult line to judge, because we welcome some people into our personal space more than others. A friend once shot me a look of utter panic at a party because he'd been backed into a corner by four people vying for his attention. They towered over him, and he looked a bit like a fox cornered by the hounds.

魅力大进攻

Charisma Campaign

要让人注意到我不是个问题，不过让注意力持续就是另一回事了。人们看到我的身体时会很好奇，但要他们盯着看就不太自在了，所以我只有几秒钟可以展现魅力，以扭转局势。特别是面对小孩或青少年时，我会开个玩笑说“请借我一只手”[22]，或是“有个东西花了我一只胳膊和一条腿呢”[23]。我让他们知道，其实我听得见他们的议论，而我可以跟他们一起一笑置之。我想魅力的秘诀就在于：让你所遇到的每个人都觉得跟你说话时，你把全部的注意力都放在他们身上。

I don't have a problem capturing anyone's attention, but holding on to it is another challenge altogether. When I meet people, they are intrigued by my body but not always comfortable looking at it. I have just a few seconds to overcome that by turning on the charm. With kids and teens especially, I'll make jokes about "lending a hand" or something costing me "an arm and a leg," so they can see that I've heard all the comments and that I can laugh along with them. I think the real secret to charisma is making each person you meet feel that they have your complete attention when they speak to you.

得体的态度与自我控制

Tactical Unit

我们总以为自己对别人得体又细心，但我知道，有时我还是有不足之处。我弟弟亚伦很爱提醒我，小时候我总是对他颐指气使，他对我可是忍耐多多。就算爸爸、妈妈都在家，他还是像我的保姆一样，因为我们俩老是在一起。亚伦会告诉你，我这个人是个指挥狂。例如，有一天早上他的朋友菲尔来我们家，他在早餐时间走进我们的厨房，我就问亚伦和菲尔要不要来点培根和蛋。

We all tend to think we are tactful and thoughtful of other people, but I know I sometimes fall short. My brother loves to remind me that I bossed him around when we were younger. Aaron had to put up with a lot. Even when my parents were both home, he served as my caregiver because we were always together. He'll tell you that I could get a little crazy with my demands. One morning, for example, his friend Phil visited us. He walked into the kitchen at breakfast time, so I asked Aaron and Phil if they wanted some bacon and eggs.

“好啊。谢了，力克。”菲尔说。

"Sure, thanks, Nick!" Phil said.

然后我就开始准备给他培根和蛋了，方法是用叫的：“亚伦，你可不可以帮我拿几颗蛋?噢，还有平底锅。好，现在把锅子放到炉子上，把蛋打在锅子里，熟了我会接手。”

I set about fixing him bacon and eggs. I did this by yelling, "Okay, Aaron, can you get me some eggs, and I also need you to fetch the pan. Oh, and put the pan on the stove. Crack the eggs in the pan, and I'll take over once they're cooked."

当亚伦年龄渐大，长得愈来愈高大之后，终于找到办法对付我这种喜欢指使别人的个性。每当他认为我要求太多时，就会威胁说要把我丢进柜子的抽屉里，然后关起来，把我留在那里。所以呢，我必须好好养成得体的社交技巧，否则就会被锁起来，永久归档了。

As Aaron got older and bigger, he found a way to deal with my bossy ways. Whenever he decided that I was being too demanding, he'd threaten to put me in a cabinet drawer, shut it, and leave me there. So I had to develop tactful people skills, or I would have been filed away forever!

说到做到

Walk the Talk

我们常听说有人是“说一套，做一套”。你或许善于倾听，有高度的同理心，热忱且有魅力，做人又很得体，但如果有人需要时，你却不愿挺身而出、伸出援手，那么你其他的人际能力都没有意义了。只会说“我感同身受”是不够的，因为行动胜于空谈。

We've all heard of those who "talk the talk but don't walk the walk." You can be a great listener, a highly empathetic, engaging, charming, and tactful person, but if you don't step up and reach out to other people when the situation requires it, then all your other skills are meaningless. Just saying "I feel for you" doesn't cover it. Your actions speak louder than your words.

在职场上，这表示你不只要将自己分内的工作做好，努力追求成功，也要帮助别人做好他们的工作，并在他们努力迈向成功时提供支援。

In your work relationships, this means not only doing your job and striving to be successful but helping others do their jobs and supporting them in their efforts to succeed.